Bison 5
Manchester Phoenix 2
12/11/16
These days the Manchester Phoenix are a shadow of
the title winning team of yesteryear. With a short bench and no home of their
own they roam from Blackpool to the far reaches of the English Premier League
clinging to a rocky financial existence. Last night at Planet Ice they gifted 4
goals out of 5 and a host of other opportunities to Bison in a game of
defensive nightmares as they slumped like a wet cob wall (see below) to their
16th defeat in 19 games. It was not the sort of thing those of us
who want to see a strong competitive EPL would take pleasure from. But there we
go. You can’t have everything and, although the game lacked edge of the seat
excitement, it was a welcome win for the Bison backers.
It was all Bison at the start of P1. In fact it
was 7 minutes into the game before Phoenix had a shot on goal. Bison eventually
took the lead in the 14th minute. A scrimmage behind the Phoenix
goal saw Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov gain the puck and send it out front. There
in front of the net to fire a wrist shot past hapless netman Stephen Fone were
the Antonovs – Ivan and Vanya. Luckily the referee didn’t see both of them or
he would have called Bison for too many men on the ice. 1-0 Bison. Karpov and
Long Ciaron Long with the assists.
There was no
more scoring in P1, so allow me to move into P2 to continue my narrative, dear
reader. Bison opened the 2nd period in fine style, hitting the goal
frame twice within the first 2 minutes and then again 3 minutes later. First
Long rang the pipes with a back hander after being given the puck gift wrapped
and tied with a ribbon by the Phoenix D. Then René Jarolin did the same after a
suicidal pass with a cherry on top had found him unmarked. He had been ignored
as surely as would a bacon sandwich at a Bar-Mitzvah. Then Dan “The Specs”
Lackey hit the post whilst attempting an empty netter. You would be mistaken if
you thought that goaltender Fone had been pulled from the net on this occasion.
He had left the net of his own accord. As he dawdled with the puck behind the
net Lackey raced from the penalty box at the end of his 2 minutes high sticks
incarceration and caught the hapless netman with his trousers down. Lackey took
the puck in front of the net, but alas for the Bison backers, could only hit
the base of the post with his shot from an acute angle. A let off for Fone, who
must have been as embarrassed as a man whose hair piece is carried off by a
marauding golden eagle on a crowded beach. Has that ever happened? Maybe.
As the period wore on to the halfway mark things
were not looking good for either team. The Phoenix were having their attacks
broken up by stalwart Bison defending as well as their own wayward passing and
their shots on goal could be counted on the fingers of 2 hands. For Bison to be
only 1-0 up against the bottom team in the league was frustrating. It was not
turning out to be the flagellation many expected.
However, Phoenix resistance was to crumble on
33:02. Credit to Referee Dave Cloutman for spotting too many imports on the ice
on 32:29. Clearly he had been to Specsavers. Bench minor to the Phoenix. 33
seconds later a screened wrist shot from Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer flew past an
unsighted Fone and into the net. At that very moment a deafening noise was
heard. Was it Kim Jong-Un carrying out another nuclear test? No it was the explosion of celebration
amongst the Bison backers. 2-0 Bison, a goal for Balmer and an assist for
Karpov.
On 35:38 Bison bagged another to move into a
commanding lead. Jan “The Man” Jarabek speared a long pass forward over the
Phoenix blue line. Karpov gave chase in a volacious (yes that is a real word) manner and was in
on goal. Django Reinhardt (see below) was a Belgian Romani jazz guitarist, famous in the
30s and 40s. With only two usable fingers on his left hand, following a caravan
fire when he was 18, his fretboard dexterity was nothing short of incredible.
Had Django been present last night he would have been impressed with Karpov’s
dexterity of stickmanship (is that a real word? It is now). He tied Fone up in
knots as he skated across goal and back handed the puck across the line past a
befuddled netman. It was a perfectly beastly moment for the goaltender and an
absolutely spiffing one for the Czech chap. 3-0 Bison. The second assist for
the goal went to goaltender Hiadlovsky.
Shortly after Bison’s 3rd violence of the most
disgraceful kind broke out following a dangerous check from behind by Greg Pick
on General Grant Rounding. In jumped Declan “Barack-O” Balmer to exact revenge
on Pick. Off came helmets and gloves and the two former team mates at Peterborough
circled round like a pair of vultures. The crowd bayed for blood. An unfettered
orgy of blood and guts violence was what they wanted to satisfy their unnatural
craving. For Pick and Blamer this was not a time for reconciliation. The two
may have wished to bury the hatchet, but only in each other’s heads. The two
came together and meatily hammered into each other. This was a proper fight,
not a pushing and shoving handbags type encounter. They eventually ground to a
halt and in stepped the officials. 2 + 2 roughing for each and nothing
whatsoever to Pick for the original check – very strange.
Comfortable then at 3-0 to the good Bison moved
into P3 with hopes of further reward. Their endeavours were rewarded with 2
goals in the space of a minute. On 44:23 an unchallenged Karpov banged home a
rebounded shot for his second with Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson and General Grant
Rounding elected assistants for the goal. And then another gift of a poorly
placed pass out of defence by Phoenix found Dangerous Derek Roehl in front of
goal without a challenger. The remains of Richard III went missing for
centuries until they were discovered under the concrete of a car park in
Leicester in 2012, as we all know. Similarly on this occasion the Phoenix D
went missing, albeit not for 5 centuries, but for long enough for Roehl to
score. His first shot was saved, but the rebounded puck slid agonisingly past
the committed net minder (have you ever wondered why you can have a goal tender
and a net minder but never a goal minder or a net tender?) By now Roehl was on
his knees, possibly praying to the hockey Gods for another opportunity. He got
it. The puck was in reach and he slid it over the line. 5-0 Bison.
With just under 15 minutes to play and 0-5 to the
bad, the Phoenix now found themselves in a chunderous position. Could they come
back from here to win the game? There seemed as much chance of that as Donald
Trump being elected President of the United States. Oh hang on a minute that
did happen didn’t it? The latter not the former that is. However, the visitors
did manage to score 2 goals without reply to finish the game only 3 goals to
the bad. Firstly, on 48:39 some smart work on the boards and a centring pass
into the middle by Roman Malinik found Gareth O’Flaherty (is he Welsh, is he
Irish?) in front of goal. He snapped the puck past Hiadlovsky and it was 5-1.
Greg Pick was declared second assistant for the goal. Then on 54:26 Joni
Tuominen whipped a wrist shot past Hiadlovsky for 5-2 with Marek Indra and
Vaclav Meidl declared the Finn’s confederates.
Phoenix now looked a different team as, having
previously not looked like scoring, they had come back with 2 goals and they
only needed another 3 to take the game into overtime. They failed to get them,
however, and the final buzzer sounded on 60 minutes with a 5-2 scoreline. Top
Bananas were James Neil for the Phoenix and Balmer with a goal and a punch up
to his name, but no assist to register a Gordie Howe hat-trick alas, for Bison.
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