Bison Poleaxe Lightning

Bison 4 Milton Keynes Lightning 0

20/10/16

You know how it is when you hear a word or expression and it conveys to you something different to what it actually is? For example, if you heard the words “Elgin Marbles” would you think of this?

If you thought of these glass rolly things that schoolboys and anorakish men play with, both in Elgin and elsewhere, you’d be wrong. The Elgin Marbles are of course a collection of Classical Greek Marble sculptures which were originally part of the temple of the Parthenon in Athens. They were purchased, yes purchased, by Lord Elgin, who brought them to England and they can now be seen in the British Museum. And so, if someone described Milton Keynes Lightning to you as EPL title contenders and Elite League aspirants, you would expect something very different from the team which turned up at Planet Ice last night and were totally run over by a dominant Bison who defended like there was no tomorrow and attacked like there was no day after tomorrow.

Bison opened the 1^st period in rampant mood, going for it, the win, the throat and the jugular all at once. They snatched a well deserved lead in the 5^th minute when Dangerous Derek Roehl went round and round the garden like a teddy bear before setting himself up for a long range shot in front of goal. He sent in a wrist shot arrowing towards the top corner of the net. If their names were anything to go by Fats Waller and Chubby Checker were gentlemen of generous proportions. Had either been present in front of the MK goal there would have been no way through. Alas for the MK faithful their goaltender, Przemyslaw Odrobny, the man with the unpronounceable first name, although 6’4” tall and weighing 208 lbs, is not sufficiently dietrally challenged to block the goal completely and could do nothing as the Roehl shot flew past him and into the net. 1-0 Bison. Assists to Long Ciaron Long and Tomas Hiadlovsky.

There were no more goals in P1. The shot count was 11-8 in Bison’s favour, so fairly even. P2, however, was to prove one of the most one sided periods you are ever likely to see. Bison absolutely dominated play, peppering the Odrobny goal with 22 shots by the end of the period, but up until the 33^rd minute they had nothing to show for their endeavours. They badly needed another goal at least to cement their position. Enter Frankie Bakrlik, every opposition teams' fans’ favourite. On 33:31 was he cross when he checked a Bison player? He must have been as he was called for cross checking. So off to the naughty boy’s step went Bakrlik (by gum he’s been there a few times) and Bison went on the power play. Just over a minute later Bakrlik’s folly cost his team dear. Set up by Roehl, Long hammered a shot goalwards. Odrobny may well have had Long Ciaron’s long shot covered, but there in front of the net was Desperate Dan Davies dangling his twig to redirect the biscuit past a startled netman, whose small size (at least relative to Fats Waller and Chubby Checker) was to prove his undoing as he was unable to block the goal completely. The net bulged, as did Odrobny’s eyes. 2-0 Bison.

Into P3 we passed and if MK wanted to get anything out of the game they had to hope that Bison would do two things. Firstly, go as cold as Paul Weller’s takeaway curry in “Down in the Tube Station at Midnight” and secondly, open up a few gaps at the back. Neither happened. In fact, as the period wore on the Bison D and goaltender Hiadlovsky in particular were looking as impenetrable as Ned Kelly’s body armour - see footnote. And then on 52:10 there came a moment which Odrobny will wish to forget. Will he be able to or will he have recurring nightmares, even when an old man of 90? It was a perfectly ghastly situation that the Polish netman found himself in and the outcome for him was positively beastly. What happened? Roehl broke up a Lightning attack and thwacked the puck forward over the blue line. Long took chase and left the MK defence for dead. The giant Pole decided to use his giant pole to pokecheck the puck away to safety, so he rushed from his goal like a man possessed (perhaps he actually was). His movement forward could be described as brisk, snappy, post-haste and expeditious – yes all of those. And he managed to reach the puck first. Now all he had to do was pokecheck it to safety. Well he did manage a pokecheck, but instead of the puck going to safety it went straight to Long Ciaron, who danced, deked, dangled and deceived a desperately retreating Odrobny. Long held his shot and had the giant Pole flopping all over the place like a fish on the deck of a trawler. He was having his kit dangled off him. The Bespectacled Youth said his jockstrap ended up in Spain. But alas his gyrations, which some may have interpreted as an expressive dance, were to no avail. Long Ciaron inflicted a final humiliation on the wretched netman by driving his shot straight through his 5-hole, which by now was as wide as the Grand Canyon. On came the goal light. 3-0 Bison. Assist to Dangerous Derek Roehl who is racking up the points for Bison and may soon have more points than Imelda Marcos had pairs of shoes.

The good news for MK was that they now had four chances of winning. The bad news was that they were a dog’s chance, a slim chance, a fat chance and a snowball’s chance in hell. With time ticking away and a 3 goal deficit to haul back, they were heading for an ignominious defeat, but it would not be quite an embarrassing flagellation if they could at least score a goal. The game was not destined to peter out in a wimpish hands up surrender type fashion. More excitement was just around the corner, as I shall relate dear reader.

On 55:39 Bison picked up a penalty. René Jarolin was the culprit, allegedly using his stick like some sort of butcher’s meat hook. “2 minutes porridge for you me old china,” said Ref Hogarth and off went Jarolin. A time out was called by MK. Now was the moment for them to throw caution to the wind, as opposed to throw in the towel. It was a last throw of the dice. Odrobny, who so resembles a homeless man (see below) I wanted to give him my spare change, was dragged kicking and screaming from the net and over the wall came an extra skater to make it a 6 on 4. Bison withstood this overwhelming onslaught and then heaped further insult upon the visitors with an empty netter. Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg combined to send Tomas “ Grandmaster” Karpov racing after the puck along the boards. His movement forward could be described as velocious (that’s not a real word is it?) The goal was much nearer than we are to Pluto (and I am not referring to Mickey Mouse's dog), but Karpov had a D-man in between him and the goal. He cut inside, effortlessly slipping past the D-man and stroked the puck into the empty net. 4-0 Bison and no way back for the hapless visitors. Back came Odrobny for a final 2:50. The towel had been finally thrown in.

The final buzzer sounded and the Lightning had received a damned good hiding. Yea a veritable trousers down caning. Thrashed to within an inch of their lives. Their hopes of winning the game flailed and flagellated until red raw. OK I think this analogy has gone far enough. Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A are you reading this? All that remained was for Lewis Hook and Desperate Dan Davies to receive their Top Banana awards and for Odrobny to try to collect enough spare change to travel to Spain in search of his jockstrap.

Footnote : In 1880 during the siege of Glenrowan (Ned Kelly’s last stand) as dawn was breaking, Kelly appeared out of the mist-shrouded bush, clad in armour and wearing a long white coat to shoot it out with the police at point blank range. Bewildered policemen took him to be a ghost. The notorious bush ranger was brought down by shots to his unprotected legs, but, despite being hit several times, the armour remained unpenetrated.