Bison Incinerated

Bison 2 Guildford Flames 4

10/12/16

Jumping Jehosphat on a pogo stick. Why can’t Bison beat the Flames? Last night’s visitors to Planet Ice have lost to every other team in the EPL including the Bees and the Phoenix. Yes even them. And Bison have beaten every other team in the EPL. But not the Flames. Their 3 regular season encounters this season have resulted in ignominious defeat on all 3 occasions. Despite the homesters outshooting the visitors by an impressive 40-16 they still ended up losing the game.

The first period was played out goalless, despite Bison raining in 17 shots on Dean Skinns in the Flames’ net which must have left the fellow shell shocked. However, he proved equal to all of them and his pipes remained unbreached. The highlight of the period was a goal which never was. On a breakaway the Flames appeared to have scored. At least that was what the entire contingent of Flames faithful behind that very goal thought. The net moved, but the earth didn’t. The Flames’ admirers leapt to their feet with arms aloft and cried “Goal!” “Hurrah!” “Woo-hoo!” “Wacko-the-diddle-o!” and other such utterances of joy. Alas for them the goal light remained unilluminated, the puck remained in play, the players continued to play and the officials officiate. No goal then. What caused the net to move? Maybe it was telekenesis.

A dominant Bison performance in P1 has borne no fruit and we passed into P2 with the Flames on a power play. In the dying seconds of P1 Dangerous Derek Roehl had been called for clipping. The dictionary defines “clip” as : “to cut, or cut off or out, as with shears, to cut or trim the hair or fleece of, shear, as in clipping a poodle, to cut articles or pictures from a newspaper”. In this case no poodles or newspapers were involved, but a flying Flames forward, namely Marek Maslonka was. And so with Roehl incarcerated Bison set about shutting down the Flames’ power play. On 21:16 there was a goal, but which way did it go? Read on, dear reader, and I shall enlighten you.

Ever heard of Jim Thompson? He served as a secret agent with the American military in WW2. After the war he stayed in Thailand and, single handedly, rebuilt the Thai silk industry, making a vast fortune in the process. In 1967 he went for a walk from his jungle holiday cottage and was never seen again. He had disappeared into thin air. What’s the connection? The Flames’ D did exactly the same thing. They were nowhere to be seen when Tomas Hiadlovsky fired a long pass forward to a completely free Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. Skinns would have preferred Karpov’s movement forward with the puck to have been half hearted, indifferent, disinterested and apathetic. Alas for him Karpov displayed none of those characteristics. Rather his movement was brisk, dashing, nimble and velocious.  He fired in a shot. The puck disappeared from view. There seemed to be a lengthy delay before the goal light came on. I would surmise that Skinns had got a piece of it but not a big enough piece and it trickled over the line. A short handed goal assisted by Hiadlovsky. 1-0 Bison.

At last Bison had their noses in front. Alas for the Bison backers the lead was surrendered 3 minutes later. Despite being monumentally outshot the Flames found themselves back on level terms with a goal from Kevin Phillips. Put in on goal he outsmarted Hiadlovsky and back handed over the line. His assistants were identified as Michal Satek and Jens Eriksen. 1-1.

There were no more goals in the period and a feeling of impending doom pervaded the Bison blocks. At least amongst the pessimists. Alas they proved to be the realists. It was looking like the same old story – dominance of play, loads of shots on goal, but scant reward for the home team. P3 was to prove more of the same and the Flames were to carry away the points with 3 goals from only 3 shots on the net, one an empty netter. But I jump ahead.

Bison came out with all guns blazing for the final period, but it would be the Flames who would snatch the lead on 41:22. Bison failed to clear their corner, the puck passed from Ben Campbell (never trust a Campbell – remember Glencoe – I’ve warned you about that before) and then to Jens Eriksen. His pass from behind the goal line was snapped home by Satek and it was 1-2 Flames.

The Bison backers were beside themselves with incredulity. How their team could be losing this game was an enigma few could find an answer to. Incredulous they may have been, but incredible they proved as noise levels rose to unprecedented heights to threaten the structural stability of Planet Ice, a task which is not difficult these days. And just a few minutes later the Bison bombardment paid off.

Charge has various dictionary definitions including “to impose or ask a price or fee”….. “a duty or responsibility laid upon or entrusted to one”…. “to impute or ascribe the responsibility for”. Referee Cloutman did not consider any of these were relevant, but he was convinced that he had witnessed an “attack by rushing violently against someone” as Maslonka smashed into Roehl. He decided to feel Maslonka’s collar and off into the box went the Slovakian assailant. Surely Bison would make this power play count. They piled on the pressure. Things were getting very hot for the goaltender Skinns, perhaps not as hot as it must have been for Pontius Peperoni, the pork, paprika and pimento pie purveyor of Pompei on 24th August 79 AD, but hot enough. And with only 11 seconds of the power play remaining Deano's defence cracked. Set up by Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer, Shoeless Joe Miller shot from the slot. Deano made a pad save, but the puck deflected to his right where René Jarolin ws perfectly placed. He sent a wrist shot past the despairing netman as accurately as a shot from the Winchester rifle of Annie Oakley. Did you know that Miss Oakley owned a dog called Dave? See below. What a cute little rover. I digress. 2-2 the score.

 Bison continued to pile on the pressure. Surely the Flames must succumb. But no a fortuitous deflection saw the Flames resnatch the lead with 52:59 on the clock on the power play with a slashing Long Ciaron Long incarcerated. Set up by David Savage, Phillips tried a slap shot. The shot was not struck as well as Phillips had intended. It did not lift from the ice and seemed to be going just wide. However, it hit the skate of Balmer and deflected inside the post. One had to feel sorry for Balmer. He may not even have seen the shot, but, even if he did, he could not react. He had been desperately unlucky. Had he moved one of the dirty bottles of Alnwick? (Moved what? See footnote).

The clock was ticking down and Bison were becoming more and more desperate as the Flames threw themselves into a final rearguard action. Hiadlovsky yo-yoed back and forth from his net to enable 6 on 5s and was unfortunately absent when Satek scored an empty netter with seconds to go. 4-2 Flames and goodnight Vienna for Bison. Oh dear.

Top Bananas were Jarolin for Bison and Skinns for the Flames – yet again a goaltender winning MoM against Bison. But a 95% save percentage confirmed he had played out of his skin. It wasn’t Deano’s fault that Bison couldn’t find the gaps.

Footnote :150 years ago at the Ye Olde Cross public House In Alnwick (pronounced Annick) the innkeeper dropped dead whilst trying to clear empty bottles from the front window of the pub. Legend has it that anyone who touches them will be cursed with bad luck. So they have remained undisturbed ever since, as you can see in the picture below.