Hat Tricks for Jarolin and Long as Tigers’ Title Tilt Wilts

Bison 6 Telford Tigers 2

3/12/16

Oh the trials and tribulations of finances in British ice hockey. Having overspent their revenues by half a million quid in only 3 years, the Telford Tigers now find themselves in reduced circumstances. The rights (are there any?) and wrongs of what has gone on in the last few weeks have been thrashed to death in the press and on social media, so I will pass no comment here. Suffice it to say that the table toppers came short benched and with players in reduced circumstances to Planet Ice, but with the full intention of consolidating their title tilt with a second win in Bisonland this season. They failed, as I shall relate, dear reader

The Tigers did, however, get off to a good start, snatching the lead on 3:17. A shot came in. Tomas Hiadlovsky saved it, but the puck rose high into the air. On returning to the ice in a manner which would have pleased Sir Isaac Newton, it fell to Matt Davies, who fired a snap pass to Milan Kolena in the slot and he drove home before Hiadlovsky could recover properly from the save. 1-0 Tigers.

With the scoreboard clock showing 10 minutes precisely (well 10:00 at one end and something completely different at the other) a shrill blast from referee Matthews’s Acme Thunderer was heard. Too many men on the ice for Telford and a bench penalty was the call. It was not possible to transport the Telford bench to the penalty box. In fact this was not even attempted. Instead Adam Jones went. 1:03 into the power play and it was 1-1. A flowing move involving Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, René Jarolin and Long Ciaron Long terminated in a wrist shot from the latter. Annie Oakley could shoot a playing card in half, edge on, firing her Winchester rifle backwards over her shoulder using a mirror to sight it. Long Ciaron’s shot was a trifle easier than this. But he buried it with equal aplomb and it was 1-1. It was a knock 'em dead goal, but thankfully nobody died.

There were no more goals in the period and the teams returned to their respective locker rooms unseparated. It had been a very even period and you couldn’t have fitted a Rizla fag paper between the two teams. P2 was to prove rather different as Bison surged into a 4-1 lead before the Tigers, who managed to outshoot their hosts by 12-10, grabbed a goal with 30 seconds of the period remaining to keep them in with a shout. My apologies - I jump ahead. Let’s go back to the 25^th minute.

On 25:54 a shot came in from the slot from Desperate Dan Davies. Sam Gospel in the Tigers’ net saved it, but the rebound fell to Ivan and Vanya Antonov. Neither of them could stuff it past a butterflied Gospel. Instead the puck deflected behind the goal where Jarolin lurked like a shady black marketeer.  He wrapped it around and in past Gospel, who had unwisely stood up from his butterfly and had been too slow in getting across to block the left hand side of his goal. The gap between himself and the post was as wide as a ravine of doom and thus was Gospel's doom sealed. Ooo Betty. 2-1 Bison.

Enter Clarkson. No not Jeremy, but it might have been better for the Tigers if it had been as Doug’s behaviour became more and more unusual as the game wore on, culminating in a 3^rd period call out of Jan “The Man” Jarabek, who, still recovering from a nasty facial wound, was wearing a cage. Jarabek treated the call out with the distain it deserved whereupon Clarkson chicken winged him. Luckily for Clarkson, Dangerous Derek Roehl was serving a ban for sorting out Frankie Bakrlik in the prevous evening’s game with Milton Keynes. Otherwise he might have had something to say. Anyway that was later, this is now. Clarkson did something illegal to Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds and, when this wasn’t called, felt he was able to get away with something else, so he grabbed Reynolds for a puch up. Alas the poor fellow was unaware than Kurt doesn’t fight, so into the box, a solitary figure, he went for roughing.

The Clarkson incarceration cost the Tigers dear a minute later. Bison cycled the puck. Jarolin to Balmer to Long, lurking on the point. Long Ciaron Long’s long stick came down. We heard the characteristic cracking sound and the puck left the ice. On the 3rd of August 1979 Jose Ramon Areieto managed to propel a ball at the incredible speed of 188 mph from his long wicker zesta punta during a game of pelota. (Using what in a game of what? See below). No I'm not going to tell you that Long’s slap shot went as fast as that, but it was so quick that the puck flashed past an unable to react Gospel blocker side and it was 3-1 Bison. Doubtless Doug Clarkson was thinking “oh dear”.

The last minute of the period saw 2 more goals. First Bison made it 4-1 with 39:10 on the clock. Antonov (the game sheet said Balmer) put in Long, who shot, but was denied by Gospel. Never mind, Jarolin was there to smash in the rebounded puck. But 21 seconds later Bison were caught with trousers down, flies undone, on the hop, out to lunch and away with the fairies all at once as Jason Silverthorn, set up by Clarkson and Kolena, found himself in front of the net and unchallenged. 4-2.

Into P3 we passed and Bison didn’t take long to surge further ahead, but in a rather unexpected fashion, as I shall relate, dear reader. Karpov was sent to the house of correction for a trip on 43:58. The Tigers could not take advantage of the 5 on 4 and, worse still, let in a short handed goal. A shot on the Bison net was saved by Hiadlovsky. The puck rebounded some distance and was picked up by Long. He surged forward with Aaron “Billy” Connolly in support in a 2 on 1. Significant quantities of velocity, rapidity, acceleration and momentum were involved in their progress towards the Tigers’ net. The pass to Connolly across goal never came. Instead Long whipped the puck past Gospel to complete a hat trick. The Bison backers’ goal celebration was sizeably massive, excessively copious and immeasurably monumental. Everyone loves a shortie. Assist to Bison netman Hiadlovsky. 5-2 Bison.

2 minutes later Bison drove the final nail into the coffin of the Tigers. Karpov and Long combined to set up Jarolin at the back door. He had been ignored as surely as a 60 a day chain smoker would ignore a government health warning on a packet of fags. The Slovak assassin smashed the puck into a wide open goal to complete his hat trick. It would have been appropriate to play Handl’s funeral march at this point as there had been a tragic death. The Tigers’ chances of winning the game had passed away. 6-2 Bison and the fat lady was warming up.

Shortly after Connolly nearly made it 7-2, but rang the bar instead. This moved the Bespectacled Youth to declare “Dinner’s ready”, but alas no refreshments were served. The game drew to a conclusion. It only remained for the Man of the Match awards to be doled out. Corey McEwan took the Tigers’ nomination and Long and Jarolin, each with a 3+2 night, shared the Bison award. Half a box of beer is not much reward for 3+2, but you couldn’t have fitted an after Eight mint between the two.