Combustible Fire Incinerated by Karpov Inferno

Bison 5 Cardiff Fire 1

28/10/17

Let’s give huge credit to Cardiff Fire for stepping up into the new NIHL South Div 1 from the old ENL 2, whilst others, who shall remain nameless, fled in the opposite direction. The Fire have become the whipping boys of the league, losing 9 out of 9 before last night’s game, not to mention being on the end of a number of embarrassing double figure score flagellations. Although we didn’t see a veritable trousers down spanking in terms of the score, we were witness to the most one sided game of hockey you are likely to see this season – in terms of one-sidedness you could liken it to a 100 meter sprint between Usain Bolt and Long John Silver. By the end of the evening the shot count was s staggering 52-7 and, had it not been for a laudable performance form Jordan Lawday in the Fire net, things would have looked a lot worse for the visiting leek bearing men of Cymru.

Let’s us begin at the beginning. Or rather 2:23 after the beginning. That’s when Bison bagged their first score. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds fired a shot from the slot, which Lawday saved. Alas for the hapless netman the puck went straight to Tomas Karpov, who banged it in. Lawday must have thought “Oh Lordy”. 1-0 Bison.

2-0 arrived on 13:01 and it was a well worked goal fashioned and scored by Ryan Sutton and Pol/Paul/Pot/Potts/Petts* (delete as necessary if you think the goal assistant was either a) the genocidal leader of the Khmer Rouge, or b) operatic tenor from Bristol, or c) a Bison hockey player. OK I’ll tell you just in case you were having difficulty with the above multiple choice. It was, of course, Paul Petts. Sutton took the puck across the ice and found Petts on the boards. He skated forward as Sutton was taking up a new position in front of the crease. Petts’s perfectly placed pass pinged back to Sutton, who drove the said biscuit through the isosceles triangle that is Lawday’s 5-hole. Had the Fire goaltender possessed a stick 20 feet long or, better still, extending arms like Twizzle (see below) he could have executed a poke check to stab the puck away from Sutton as he shaped to shoot. However, he didn’t have extendable limbs (well who does?) or indeed an outsized stick and could do no such thing. 2-0 Bison.

Goal no. 3 arrived soon after – on 15:58 to be precise. I can’t tell you about the build up as I wasn’t looking at the time. What I can tell you is that Josh Smith and Tomas Karpov were involved and were each declared as confederates to the scorer. What I did see was Desperate Dan Davies in front of goal shaping to fire in a wrist shot. However, before I continue with my narrative of the goal I hope you will allow me a digression of soupçon-esque proportions, dear reader. Is a keema nan airworthy? Yes it is. I have seen one fly through the air like a frisbee. It was thrown by a drunken diner in the Star of India restaurant in Romsey circa 1985. It flew out of the window and disappeared into the street below, hopefully not causing fatal injuries to a passer by. What relevance has this? Ok let’s go back to the goal. Davies flexed his wrists and the puck lifted from the ice and flew through the air displaying the aerodynamic qualities of a keema nan. The speed and placement of the shot were such that Lawday could not react and into the top corner went the biscuit. 3-0 Bison.

Soon after the buzzer to bring to a halt the Fire’s period of misery sounded. Outshot by 15-1, they trooped back to the locker room wondering how on earth they were even going to score a goal, let alone keep the score down to single figures. Back in 1993 we were told by D:Ream “Things can only get better”. And, would you believe, they did for the Fire in P2. Despite being hideously outshot by 14-4 Lawday laudably kept every on goal Bison attempt out and then, to cap it all, the Fire bagged a goal of their own as the period drew to a close. David Manning found David Christian, who snapped the puck past Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans in the Bison net. It could have been an all David goal, but alas for those to whom things like that matter (probably no-one) the second assistant was announced as Tamas Elias, who is not a David. By the way don’t confuse him with Don Elias, which is someone/something completely different, namely a brand of Mexican tequila. An explosion of joy tore from the away block where the small number of loyal Welsh fans sat. Alas there were too few of them to deliver a stirring rendition of “Sospan Fach” and the famous line at the end of verse three, namely “A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach”, remained unsung. (See footnote for translation). All that aside it was now 3-1 Bison and all to play for in P3 … or so it seemed at the time.

In actual fact, P3 turned out to be almost as one sided as the other two periods put together. The shot count was 24-2 in Bison’s favour, but once again Lawday proved laudable and allowed only 2 goals. The 1st and Bison’s 4^th arrived on 42:49. Sutton to Davies, whose pass from behind the goal found Karpov in front of it without a D-man to distract him. He snapped the puck home past a hung out to dry Lawday. As the puck flew past him and into the net the goaltender looked as shocked as if he had seen Jacob Marley’s ghost complete with clanking chains. (Not a Dickens reader? You’ll have to Google “Marley’s ghost” then). 4-1 Bison.

Before the 1^st half of the 3^rd period was over it was 5-1. On 46:25 a grinding scrimmage on the boards ended in Bison’s favour and the pass out found Karpov away and unchallenged. The goaltender remained as motionless as a Norwegian Blue parrot nailed to his perch. (Those under 40 may have to Youtube the Monty Python “Dead Parrot” sketch) as Karpov whipped in a top shelfer to complete his hat-trick. The assistants were announced as Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds. 5-1 Bison.

Captain Matthew Webb (that's him below) was the first man to swim the English Channel. The gallant Captain perished just a few years later in the Whirlpool Rapids of the Niagara Falls. Similarly Fire’s hopes of winning the game, if ever there were any, perished, not only rapidly, but also in a whirlpool of disappointment for their travelling fans as Bison’s 5^th goal went in. Never mind. The game was played to a conclusion with no further scoring and the final buzzer brought an end to proceedings and a 5-1 win for Bison.

 

The Top Bananas were easy to guess – Lawday for the Fire and Karpov for Bison. Sadly a 5-1 defeat can be rightfully regarded as a good result for the Fire. Alas that is the nature of the men and boys league that Bison now play in. Well at least we still have hockey.

Footnote : A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach = And the cat has scratched little Johnny.