Wilson and Scott Doubles Demolish the Bumbling Bees

Bison 6 Bracknell Bees 1

25/11/17

After so many uncompetitive game this season where the stronger teams in the NIHL have run over the weaker teams, like a Saturn V transporter (see below) squashing flat a gang of Barbies (did you note the Hull Pirates 20-3 win over the Deeside Dragons last weekend?), we looked forward to the visit of the Bracknell Bees for what we thought was going to be a tough competitive game.

Alas the Bees failed to provide the strong opposition we required and indeed, like a factory chimney demolished by Fred Dibnah (see below), fell to an ignominious defeat by 6-1, having been outshot by an outrageous margin of 43-14.

Would it have been any different if the Bees had had two of their best players available, namely Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson and Frankie “The Assassin” Bakrlik, the latter serving a 6 match ban for attempted murder? There certainly would have been more bodies on the ice, had Bakrlik been present to bring his own unique brand of, shall we call it, competitive hockey to the ice. And Bavy made sure we hadn’t forgotten the Slovak enforcer with Sister Sledge’s “Frankie” blaring from the sound system on more than one occasion during the evening.

Bison took the lead on 8:23. It was a magically worked goal from Roman Malinik. The Bees’ defending was a failure, a flop, a fiasco and a farce all rolled into one, as Malinik slipped past the D on the boards, cut inside and was in on goal. Alex Mettam in the Bees’ net could not help but admire the Czech chap’s progress, slicing through the D like a red hot carving knife through a slab of lard. Perhaps that was Mettam’s mistake as he seemed to have lost his concentration. Malinik fired a wristy past the in awe netman and it was 1-0 Bison. Dan Scott with the assist.

On 14:28 Benjamin Ealey-Newman perpetrated a hideous deed. He slashed. “Oi matey! That’s bang out of order,” said Referee Boardman. And why wouldn’t he as this was during a stage of the game when he was actually calling infractions before he became totally myopic/biased/incompetent* (delete as you think appropriate), as I shall later relate, dear reader. Anyway back to the vile deed of Ealey-Newman. Into the box he went for what he thought would be a 2 minute rest. Alas for him, the sojourn was cut short by Bison’s 2^nd goal on 15:01. It was classic Chuckle Brothers to me to you to me to you as Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and Dan Scott passed back and forth to each other across the blue line. By the time of the 6^th or 7^th pass, Mettam must have been exhausted, having skated back and forth across his goal line to cover any possible shot on goal. Eventually Scott clappered one and the puck flew into the net past a puffing, blowing  and perspiring Mettam. 2-0 Bison.

The period ended with no more scoring and into the locker rooms the teams went. It had been a dominant period for Bison, who were well worth their 2 goal lead. What were we to see in P3? In “Total Eclipse of the Heart” Bonnie Tyler told us “Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart” That’s exactly the Bees did in P2, the latter that is, not the former. Outshot by 24-4 over the next 20 minutes of play they fell apart like something loose and crumbly, conceding 3 goals in 1:41 towards the end of the period. Bonnie Tyler would have been impressed.

The 1^st of those 3 occurred on 27:55. Harvey Stead shamelessly hooked Aaron “Billy” Connolly to the ice as he was in on goal. Billy managed to get the puck to Bison's own springbok, General Grant Rounding, wide of the goal. He fired a pass to Karpov in front of the net with a shout or at least a thought of “Blistering biltong, you voortrekker! Stick your lumber on that”. And stick his lumber on that was exactly what Karpov did. The puck flew past a despairing Mettam for a delayed penalty goal. 3-0 Bison.

50 seconds later it was 4-0. Take a bag of Portland cement, 3 bags of sand and 3 bags of aggregate. Mix these together with water and leave to set. What do you get? Concrete of course. Concreteness (OK that’s not a real word) is not a noun which could be employed to describe the Bees’ defending on this occasion. Indeed no, matron. The Bees D behaved more like a wet slurry in failing to clear their lines with the result that the puck went loose in front of the crease. An excited shout of “IT’S LOOSE” was heard emanating from Block C. The observer was correct. It was indeed loose, in fact as loose as a goose, but not for long as Dan Scott brought his twig down in a long sweeping ark. The puck took flight like a keema nan hurled Frisbee fashion (I told you before than keema nans are airworthy). Mettam may have had a chance of stopping a keema nan, but he had no chance of stopping the puck. The net bulged, Mettam sudsided and it was 4-0 Bison.

The Bees’ torment was not over. Within a minute it was 5-0. Elliott Dewey, not to be confused with Eliot Ness, who, apart from having less Ls and Ts in his name, is someone completely different (see footnote), fired one in from the hash marks. The puck went as loose as a goose in front of the crease once again, just as it had immediately prior to Bison’s 4^th. On this occasion it was Hallam Wilson who swept the puck past a startled Mettam. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg with the other assist. 5-0 Bison.

The period ended with the Bees on the end of an undesirable scoreline. P3 opened with Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans minding the Bison goal. From a Bees’ perspective the scoreline became even more undesirable on 45:58 courtesy of a truly wonderful unassisted goal from Hallam Wilson, his second of the game. He picked up a loose puck and started slicing through the Bees’ D. You couldn’t have described his movement as clumsy, ungainly, awkward or blundering, but rather graceful, adroit, elegant and aesthetically pleasing. In fact you could say his movement was as graceful as Canova’s Three Graces (see below). Having cast aside the feeble Bees’ D challenges, he was now in on goal. He dangled the jockstrap off Mettam and slid the puck across the line. 6-0 Bison.

The proceedings then began to get a trifle out of hand. It started with Danny Ingoldsby giving Dan “The Beast” a snow shower. Foord and Baird got into a disagreement as a result, but before any meaty punches could be thrown, the officials stepped in and no penalties were doled out. Moments later the blood lust of the crowd rose again as Josh Smith and Josh Martin went for it mid ice.

 

2+2 for roughing to each. Then Karpov received an elbow to the face, but there was no call from Mr. Boardman. Then Paul Petts was grabbed from behind and shaken around like a rag doll, but again no call from the myopic official. One got the impression that Lord Nelson would have seen more than Mr. Boardman, notwithstanding that he only had one eye. Then Baird got hold of Jared Lane and the two ended up in the box for interference and roughing, the latter to the former and the former to the latter. It all seemed to be kicking off. Mr. Boardman had lost control. Thankfully things calmed down.

The Bees even bagged a goal on 53:55. Martin, assisted by Best and Ingoldsby, whipped a wrist shot past Dan “The Beast” and it was 6-1.

Thus ended the game. Top Bananas were Jack Hayes for the Bees and Roman Malinik for Bison.

Footnote : Eliot Ness was a law enforcement agent, who assembled a team of incorruptible officers known as “The Untouchables”. He waged war on Chicago’s king of organised crime, Al Capone, and was a significant factor in his downfall.