Six Shooting Bison Give Goaltender Gray a Grey Day

Bison 6 London Raiders 0

19/11/17

Down from the Smoke came them cockney geezers, the London Raiders, hoping to improve on their last visit when they slumped to an ignominious defeat to the tune of 7-1. They sort of succeeded as they let in one goal less, but they failed to score and the margin of defeat was, therefore, the same. It turned out to be a bizarre evening for Raiders goaltender, Michael Gray. He won the Man of the Match award, but, with every goal conceded he became more and more frustrated and angry with his defense, his stick, himself, the ice and whatever else you may care to imagine.

P1 was one way traffic. By the end of it the shot count was a very imbalanced 22-6, but I jump too far ahead as I have not related how Bison came to rejoice in a 2-0 lead by the end of the period. The first goal came on 7:11. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds lost control of the puck, but it broke fortuitously to Tomas Karpov. He moved across the rink and then forward with the grace of Margot Fonteyn, the speed of Usain Bolt, the manual dexterity of Manitas de Plata and the determination of Phil “The Power” Taylor to hit a treble 20. The Czech chap slapped one towards goal and there was Aaron “Billy” Connolly in front of the net to redirect the puck past Michael Gray in the Raiders’ goal. It was the start of a very grey evening for Gray. 1-0 Bison.

The second arrived some 4 minutes later. On 11:13 Matthew Turner did a job on Roman Malinik. Had the game been taking place in Calcutta in 1756, he may have had to serve his sentence in the infamous Black Hole, but it wasn’t. 2 minutes in the box for hooking was the lenient sentence. Turner thought he now had an opportunity to reflect on his misdeed for 2 minutes and plan a path to redemption through deep, meaningful reflection. Alas, whilst he was in mid meditation, the penalty ended with a Bison power play goal and Turner was consequently released from his period of contrite contemplation a minute early, hardly enough time to complete his process of reformation of character. Thankfully for Turner, it was not the man he hooked who scored the goal. It was Tomas Karpov with a thunderous clapper from just inside the blue line, so reminiscent in terms of distance, delivery and end result of his 2014 playoff final goal against the Manchester Phoenix. Set up by Desperate Dan Davies, the Czech chap brought his stick down in a wide sweeping arc as Davies’s pass slewed across the ice and into his path. The puck took flight and the goaltender took fright. The exposed netman must have realised he was not going to be able to make himself larger and the goal frame sure wasn’t going to get any smaller as would a woolly jumper in a hot wash. (Undomesticated blokes take note that you don’t wash woollens on “hot”). Karpov’s top corner placement was perfect. The puck flew past Gray’s head and into the back of the net and it was 2-0 Bison.

And so we moved into P2 and that was one way traffic as well. However, it took until 8:50 into the period for Bison to increase their lead. Forcing a mid ice turnover (not an apple one), Malinik steamed forward. How much steam was involved? More than a bubbling cauldron of cockroach, slug and sheep’s eyeball stew could produce. Suddenly he whipped a wrist shot into the top corner of the net over the goaltender’s catcher. 3-0 Bison. Goaltender Gray was not happy with his D at all. He showed his annoyance and frustration. He was beginning to lose his marbles.

Gray’s evening was not about to improve. On 34:36 it was 4-0 Bison. Malinik passed out in front of goal from behind the net and there was Desperate Dan Davies to score with Gray’s own D–men getting in his way as he attempted to harvest his own rebound. Antonov with the second assist. Gray displayed his displeasure at the ineptitude of his D.

Referee Matthews was not called upon to extend his hand in a flat pointy manner towards either goal for the remainder of the period and so we passed out of P2 and into P3 with Bison enjoying a comfortable lead. The Raiders played much better in the final period, matching Bison shot for shot (10 each by the end of the period), but several fine amoeboid engulfments of the puck by Dean Skinns ensured that the number below the “Visitors” on the scoreboard remained at 0. In contrast the man who operates the “Home” number was called into action on 2 occasions. On 52:11 the Antonov/Malinik/Davies line produced another goal. Imagine you've just come out of the Mariner's Arms in Old Portsmouth circa 1805. You are in the company of Frank Bruno, Bruce Lee and Hulk Hogan. (OK I know this is really stretching the bounds of believability a bit). Anyway, you are attacked by a press gang. The ensuing unseemly, unruly and unmitigated scene of random violence might be similar to what we saw in front of the Raiders net with the puck as loose as a goose. Eventually Davies stabbed it in and it was 5-0 Bison. Gray was very annoyed with his D once again.

Gray’s night of agony was not yet over. Bison bagged a 6th goal. Scored on 52:49 this score  brought pure comedic value to the game, as I shall relate, so, dear reader, don’t wander off to make a cup of tea, but pray read on. Karpov and Connolly combined to send General Grant Rounding surging forward displaying the velocious qualities of a hyper active greyhound. He sniped towards the top corner. Goaltender Gray extended his catcher to engulf the puck, but, alas for him, he misjudged the flight of the puck and it flew into the top corner of the goal above his extended catcher. Gray was furious with himself.

The hapless goaltender swung his stick with the intention of smiting the goal frame. Alas he missed. It was his second misjudgement in a matter of seconds. By now he was very angry indeed. He had lost his rag, his composure, the plot and his marbles all at once. He was verging on meltdown.

If you have any thought for the wellbeing of goaltender Gray, you will be pleased to hear that there were no more goals in the game and it ended with a 6-0 penalty-less win for Bison and a Top Banana award for Gray. Bison’s recipient of the beers was Desperate Dan Davies with a 2+1 performance.