Bison 6
Telford Tigers 2
6/10/18
In 1861 one of Charles Dickens’s greatest novels
was published. It was, of course, Great Expectations, chronicling the journey
of Philip Pirrip from orphan to gentleman courtesy of a mysterious benefactor,
who turned out not to be Abel Magwitch not Miss Havisham (oh sorry I’ve given
the story away). Last night we flocked to Planet Ice with similar great expectations
of seeing a tough and competitive hockey game. Well why wouldn’t we? The
visitors were the mighty Telford Tigers, the last winners of the EPL and the
reigning NIHL North play off champions bolstered by the arrival (finally) of
Canadian colossus Doug Clarkson (not to be confused with Jeremy Clarkson who
would be of no benefit to them). Alas by the end of the evening our great
expectations remained unfulfilled as the now impecunious Tigers put in a
performance more akin to great expectorations.
P1 opened and 20 minutes of play later our great expectations
appeared to be well on the way to fulfilment. It had been a very even period
and it ended 1-1. Bison went ahead on 10:44. It was a powerplay goal with Danny
Rose banged up for tripping. Don’t confuse him with Danny Rose of Tottenham
Hotspur, who, as surely as Jeremy and Doug Clarkson are different people, so
are the two Danny Roses. Dangling Dick Bordowski set Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph on
his way over the blue line. From a position on the boards Ralph arrowed a pass
almost back to the blue line where Doc Russ Cowley was waiting. The Doc didn’t
ditheringly dilly-dally or delay. He decisively drove a deadly wrist shot past
an astonished Dennis Bell in the Tigers’ net. 1-0 Bison.
The dictionary describes a wrestling hold as “a
method of seizing an opponent and keeping him in control”. That’s exactly what Referee
Matthews saw Hallum Wilson doing on 15:38. The would be Mick McManus was
ordered to the box. 25 seconds later Doc Cowley had his collar felt for
slashing. It was a 5 on 3. The Tigers made it count when the lumbering Doug
Clarkson showed that he may have lost his fitness (at least for the time being)
but he hasn’t lost his shooting accuracy as he banged a shot past Dan “The
Beast” Weller-Evans in the Bison net. His solitary goal scoring collaborator was
identified as Rick Plant.
P1 was played out to a conclusion. P2 was not
what we were expecting. Bison stepped up a gear while the Tigers stepped down a
gear and almost went into neutral. A pulsating period of purple plays produced
a pair of plum efforts for the homesters as they outshot their fast fading
opponents by 16 to 5 and surged into a 3-1 lead. The first of these two scores came
on 28:19. It was a power play goal with Scott McKenzie in the slammer for
slashing. By the way don’t confuse him with the other Scott McKenzie, who had a
big hit in 1967 with “San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)”. His
real name was not very showbiz. It was Philip Wallach Blondheim III and sadly
he is no longer in the land of the living, so clearly he wasn’t the bloke in
the box on 27:16. Set up by Adam Jones, Coach Tait shot from wide to the
goaltender’s left. Netman Bell made what should have been an Ooo Matron save,
but alas for him it was an Ooo Betty one as he kicked the shot straight to
Michal Klejna at the back door and the Slovak sniper tapped in. 2-1 Bison.
Out of the box came McKenzie to bolster the
Tigers’ contingent on the ice, but he might just as well have been the singing
Scott McKenzie, who, one would presume, being deceased, possesses no hockey
talent at all and possibly never did, as only 13 seconds later he and his team
mates couldn’t prevent another Bison goal. Doc Cowley won a face off. The puck
squirted like a jet of toothpaste from a tube to Dangling Dick Bordowski who didn’t
delay as he dispelled dalliance and dilly-dallying in directing a pass to Jay
King in the slot. Caught off balance (the Great Blondin wouldn’t have been. The
Great who? See footnote), the gap toothed Caledonian squeezed off an
unstoppable wrist shot whilst falling to the ice. The Tigers may just as well
have had Ray Charles in the net as the hapless Bell never saw the shot. On came
the red light and pop went the Champagne corks in Edinburgh. 3-1 Bison.
P2 ended and P3 opened. Could the Tigers turn the
tables? Well no. As it turned out they couldn’t even lay the tables as Bison
powered on to clinch the game with another 3 goals to the Tigers’ one, as you
shall learn by reading further and refraining from going outside to water the
hanging baskets, dear reader.
On 43:34 assisted by Jones and Bordowski, Alex
Sampford somehow squeezed, not the pips out of a lemon, but the puck in from
behind the net, possibly banking it in off the netman’s skate. Who knows? I don’t.
But what I do know is that it was now 4-1. The bell was beginning to toll for
Bell.
The Tigers were
not dead and buried yet. Pressing forward, Bison lost the puck enabling Andy McKinney
to spear one up the middle to an all alone Clarkson. He had outstripped the
Bison D not by speed of movement but by standing beyond them, which was just as
well as thenceforth his movement towards the Bison goal was slow, sluggish and akin
to a slothful slugabed. The mode of advancement of the lumbering giant i.e.
crawling forward amoebically mattered not a jot as he beat Dan “The Beast”
through 5-hole. Who needs speed when you can finish like that? 4-2.
Could this be
the start of a Tigers’ revival? Well no as it happened. On 50:59 Bison bagged
another causing the Tigers’ chances of winning the game to take on a pallid,
cadaverous and positively sepulchrally wraithlike look. Those chances became
even more Dodo-esque when Bison grabbed a 6th. But we jump ahead, so
let me tell you about the 5th. Elliott Dewey, wearer of a number
which would never have been contemplated by Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird, namely no.13
(unlucky for some but not for him) sent Bordowski on his way. Almost pinned to
the boards Dangling Dick’s dazzling deke and dangle dumfounded the dithering
dummkopf D-men driving past and then saucering a pass to Sampford. This time
Sampford’s method of getting the puck past Bell was much more obvious as he
rifled a wrist shot high into the net. 5-2 Bison.
Bison were not
done. As the game rolled towards a conclusion they bagged another to drop the aspirations
of the Tigers into the untreated waste tank at a sewage treatment plant. Cowley to Bordowski, who drove
a long pass into the slot to King from behind the goal. The Caledonian fired in
his shot on goal. There seemed to be more people between King and the goal than
the whole population of China. But there must have been a gap somewhere as the
puck flew in past an unsighted Bell, who by now must have been red with embarrassment and purple with rage, if indeed it is possible to be both hues at the same time. On came the red light, out came the flat
pointy hand of Ref Matthews, pop went even more Champagne corks in Edinburgh and
out came the square sausages, haggis, neeps and tatties. 6-2 Bison and game
over.
And so it
befell those entrusted with electing Top Bananas, whoever they may have been,
to discharge that very duty. Rick Plant was considered the best Tiger. Would
Dangling Dick Bordowski cop the beers for his 5 assists? He may have on another
night, but no. It was Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans who earned the accolade
after an absolutely Ooo Matron performance in the Bison net stopping 34 out of
36 shots to earn a save percentage of 94.44%. Blistering Biriynais!
Footnote : Charles
Blondin (that’s him below) was a French tightrope walker and acrobat. He was
best known for crossing the Niagara Gorge on a tightrope 1,100 ft long in 1859
and then on numerous occasions thereafter.
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