8/12/18
The visitors to
Planet Ice last night were the Streatham Redhawks. They may now be politically correctly named, but their
drummers are not PC, spending half the evening banging out the repetitive
Native American drumbeat, for which they are renowned. But what the hell – it’s
all part of the rich tapestry of British hockey.
P1 saw a lively
opening as the Redhawks tried to catch Bison cold, but as the period wore on
they faded somewhat. Not enough to go into the interval behind. Oh no. Quite
the opposite, as I shall relate.
As the period lurched
towards a conclusion the Redhawks snatched a go ahead goal, Adam Wood netting
with a superbly placed top shelf snipe on 17:35. It was announced as an
unassisted goal, but the official game sheet declared that Alex Roberts, not to
be confused with Julia Roberts, and Ben Russell, not to be confused with Russell
Crowe, had helped, so who knows? But what we do know is that it was 1-0
Redhawks. BOOM-boom-boom-boom- BOOM-boom-boom-boom beat their drummers.
A minute later
an unsavoury incident occurred. Paul Petts cross checked Michael Farn, who then
set about his assailant and there ensued a scene similar to that illustrated
below.
Petts, the last person you would call violent thug, held Farn in a
headlock to prevent himself from being punched. “Ooo that’s roughing,” said
Referee Belfitt. Oh really? So with Farn also called for roughing, the Redhawks
ended up on a powerplay, but for only 10 seconds as Rupert Quiney hauled down
Michal Klejna in centre ice, this being a necessary evil as the Slovak fellow
would have been away and in on goal otherwise. Cynicism prevailed and Quniey
sent Klejna tumbling to the ice like a felled Spruce Pine. He might at least have shouted "TIMBER!" So this meant 4 on 4 for 1:50, straddling the period break, and then 10
seconds of power play for Bison. 5 seconds into that 10 seconds Bison made it
count. Coach Tait supplied a pass to Michal Klenjna, the same Michal Klenjna
who had so unceremoniously hauled to the ice by Quiney, as I have already
mentioned. The Slovak fellow’s stick came down and we heard the crack of limber
on rubber as the clapper was delivered. The puck flew high into the net with
the speed, if not the trajectory, of a rocket propelled grenade. Not even the
Berlin wall could have stopped it, which is hardly surprising as it no longer
exists. Goaltender Damien King does, however, exist, but he displayed as much
ability to stop the puck as a demolished Berlin wall. 1-1.
Then on 25:00
(or as the speaking clock would have said – at the third stroke it will be 25
minutes precisely) Bison snatched the lead. Seconds after a Redhawks’ penalty
served by Tom Beesley, not to be confused with Ron Weasley, had expired. Coach
Tait found Adam Jones at the hash marks to the goaltender’s right. On this
occasion the Redhawks’ defending was bungled, botched and bollixed (no that’s
not a mis-spelling of a rude word – look it up in the dictionary – it’s a real
word). So bollixed in fact that Jones was all alone and had all the time in the
world to pick his spot. That spot was the top corner of the net which he found
with an Ooo Mr. Rigsby wrist shot. 2-1 Bison. A second assist went to George
“Gordon” Norcliffe.
After the worst
possible P2 you could imagine when Bison played the Raiders two weeks ago, this
P2 was turning out rather better. Despite dominating the rest of the period,
however, Bison could not bring further employment to the goal judge behind the
Redhawks’ net and the period ended at 2-1.
P3 opened and we
were initially treated to more of the same until a flurry of penalties resulted
in a prolonged 5 on 3 powerplay. But I jump ahead. Let us go back to 1:18 into
the period. Canadian Alex Roberts, who once played a solitary game for the
peculiarly named Flin Flon Bombers (look that up on Elite Prospects if you don’t
believe me), executed a hook and sent Klejna crashing to the ice like a sack of
Kings Edwards. Luckily for Roberts the referee was not Hanging Judge Jeffreys
on this occasion. (Hanging Judge who? See footnote). It was 2 minutes in the
penalty box for him. No need to erect a gallows and fetch a rope. But the
Canadian’s misdemeanour was to prove fatal for his team, as I shall relate.
1:22 into the
power play the puck was circulated around from Alex Sampford to Doc Cowley until
it reached Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph in the slot. The Redhawks might just as well
have had Mr. Magoo in the net. He could see nothing because Dangling Dick
Bordowski lurked in his line of vision. Wreck-it’s wrist shot wrecked King’s
evening as it flew past his head and into the net. 3-1 Bison.
Things were
looking good for Bison, but, as we know, a 2 goal lead can be lost in the time
it would take the Howling Man to shout “Get your hair cut, Rupert Quniney”. They
needed another goal to make the possibility of a Redhawks revival as unlikely
as Quiney getting his hair cut. This they bagged on 48:11. Bison broke away in
a 3 on 2 odd man rush. Doc Cowley set up Sampford for a shot. He drove the puck
goalwards from wide to the goaltender’s right, but, much to his chagrin, King
got pad to puck and saved. However, the chagrin of Sampford turned into the
chagrin of King in a split second, as the puck deflected away to his left like
a bouncing baby straight to the deadly Dangling Dick Bordowski. This was no
time for a dangle or a deke. All we needed was a one timer snapper as the net
gaped open in front of Bordo like the mouth of a yawning hippopotamus. The
Czech chap put lumber to rubber and leathered the biscuit into the stringbag,
which held, being the new nets from Canada (I told you about them last week).
4-1 Bison.
Bison were not
finished. On 48:52 Oscar Evans was adjudged to have both charged and roughed, thus proving that men can multi-task.
Down the steps he went for a 2 + 2, handing the Redhawks with a 4 minute power
play. Now was their chance to get back into the game. What happened next was
enough to make their coach want to throw in the towel in frustration. A
scrimmage on the boards occurred. If you were looking for an example of
lumbering, floundering and stumbling ineptitude of the most archetypal
quintessentiality, you need look no further than the woefully inadequate
efforts of the Redhawks to cover a possible breakaway as they left Klejna all
on his own centre ice. It was as if he had just contracted the bubonic plague
and was highly contagious as no-one seemed interested in going within a country
mile of him. All it needed was Jones to win the puck and supply an Ooo Mr.
Rigsby pass inside to the Slovak bloke. This he did. “Should I stay or should I
go?” That was the conundrum which faced the Clash in 1981. Klejna was not
racked with similar indecision. On receiving Jones’s pass he went for it. His
movement in a netwards direction was brisk, lively, rapid and urgent, not
apathetic, dilatory, lethargic or ponderous as he bore down on goaltender King.
Allow me a soupçon of a digression. What was the first rock ‘n’ roll record? Many
say it was Ike Turner’s “Rocket 88” recorded in 1951. But it wasn’t. Oh no Mrs.
Recorded in 1949 was Fats Domino’s “The Fat Man”. Now, as you might imagine,
Mr. Domino (real name Antoine) was a gentleman of generous proportions (that’s
him below), hence his nickname of course, and, had he occupied the Redhawks’
net he may have made a better job of blocking the goal than King, albeit not
displaying comparable athleticism and agility. It was all academic as Klejna
picked his spot and whipped in a wrist shot which would have beaten even Fats
Domino. Coach Tait with the second assist. 5-1 Bison.
P3 played out in
a bizarre fashion with so many calls on the homesters, committing a myriad of
offences, that they ended up defending a 5 on 3 power play for what was an eternity. I
lost track of how long the 5 on 3 was, but it was one of the best PP kills you
are ever likely to see. The Redhawks could make no impression whatsoever, for, if they breached the Bison defenses, there was the gigantic Alex "Mittens" Mettam to thwart their aspirations. Minutes
later the buzzer sounded to bring an end to the proceedings. The Redhawks’
chances had finally taken flight.
Top bananas were
elected. Roberts made off with the Redhawks’ beers and Klejna was raised to the
pedestal of best Bison.
Footnote : After Monmouth’s Rebellion of 1685 Judge George Jeffreys was sent to the West
Country to conduct the trials of captured rebels. These trials became known as
the Bloody Assizes. 1381 defendants were found guilty of treason. How many swung
has been estimated at 74-700. People love to exaggerate don’t they?
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