Jones and Morris Double Strikes Sink the Raiders

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 3

30/11/19

Down from the Smoke (or at least Essex) came the Raiders with the intention of gaining revenge for their shootout loss to Bison when the teams last met in Romford. They fell short of this worthy aspiration in a game which was marred by some less than cognisant officiating, which seems to be par for the course in the NIHL these days. But let us not rant, rave or rage against our beloved officials in a “Stevie Wonder could do better” manner, but instead, dear reader, let us move onto the events of a rather long evening. As for Bison, coming off the back of a magnificent 4-2 road win against the import filled Swindon Wildcats on the previous evening, this was an opportunity to bag an Ooo Matron 4 point weekend.

P1 opened and on 4:23 Bison surged into the lead. In a manner most skillful Marek Malinsky, according to the announcement of assists for the goal, but was actually Michal Klejna, stopped the puck from leaving the zone and then passed to Alex Sampford. He, the third named individual that is, picked his shot and whipped the biscuit past the Raiders’ goaltender, Michael Gray, glove side. Coach Tait was awarded the second assist. Malinsky was initially awarded an assist, which was quite remarkable as he was on the bench at the time of the goal. Mind you being off the ice when goals were scored never stopped Tony Hand from claiming assists. 1-0 Bison.

We had to wait until the period was nearly done for another goal. And it would be Bison who would bulge the stringbag once more. Actually that’s not quite accurate (in fact not at all) as the puck slid in across the floor, but who of my readers cares about accuracy? Hallam Wilson and Adam Harding combined to set up Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones for an Ooo Mr. Rigsby clapper from the point. The Jones twig came down and propelled the biscuit forward through a crowd of players. Let us hope that netman Gray never saw it, as, if he did, he was badly at fault in failing to block a ground shot from this distance. I was unable to see whether he had a red face or not from Block C. 2-0 Bison.

P1 ended and P2 opened. It would not be long before Bison surged even further ahead. The scorer this time was Liam “Square Sausage” Morris. 15 seconds after he had finished doing porridge for slashing, Sam Smith set him on his way up the wing. He moved forward in a manner most velocious and with the elegance of Canova’s Three Graces (see below), albeit not displaying any physical resemblance to any of those three ladies. He skated into the zone and sniped a blistering biriyanis top shelf shot past the glove of Gray, who, having been beaten 3 times on his left and twice past the glove, must have been starting to adopt feelings of funereal perturbation. Klejna with the second assist. 3-0 Bison.

On 28^th June, 1914 Gavrilo Princip assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austro-Hungary. It was the spark which lit the powder keg of the First World War. A rather melodramatic illustration of that very event is shown below.

In the 29^th minutes a similar spark/powder keg incident occurred when Coach Tait cross checked Blahoslav Novak. An unsavoury fracas ensued, perhaps not on the scale of the First World War, but one which resulted in 32 PIMs to 3 Bison players and 8 to 2 Raiders. How on earth? I can throw no light on how Klejna, grabbed by Jack Flynn and chucked around like a ragdoll whilst refusing to fight, was considered the rightful recipient of a 2+2 fighting penalty. Back in the 1920s and 30s there were many blind blues singers including Blind Blake, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Blind Boy Fuller, Blind Gary Davis (that’s the dude below), Blind Willie McTell and Blind Willie Johnson. Any four of the above couldn’t have done a worse job than the four myopic officials. Never mind. One of the Bison miscreants was Jay King, who was ejected from the game for being third man in (not a Harry Lime type of third man mind you). The upshot was that the Raiders went on a power play. They made it count when Aaron “Billy” Connolly popped home a rebounded shot. Assists to Sean Barry and Brandon Ayliffe. 3-1 Bison and a glimmer of hope for the visitors. By the way don't confuse Blind Gary Davis with Gary Davies, the Radio 1 DJ, who, as far as I am aware, has no optical impairment.

On 35:00 we were horrified to witness another outbreak opprobrious violence of the most despicable variety (well actually it was handbags) involving Morris and Novak. The former cross checked the latter, causing him to fall to the ice in a most ignominious and unedifying fashion, and, in thus doing, losing his dignity. He, the latter, regained his feet and charged like a raging bull at the former, who, seeing him coming in this somewhat aggressive manner, doubtless with the intention of knocking his bally block off, which could have resulted in extreme discomfiture to him, the aforementioned former. So he, the former, threw his arms around the said latter in what looked like a loving embrace and prevented him, the previously three times mentioned latter, from delivering a meaty blow of any sort. In a sideshow Josh Kelly and Mason Webster came together, doubtless to discuss the events of the game. Alas the blood lust of the crowd remained unfulfilled as neither smote the other. Down the steps went all 4 and, as Morris has initiated the undesirable embroilment with the aforementioned cross check, the Raiders went another on power play and made it count once more.

Back in 2014 Courtney Barnett, a left handed minstrel from Hobart (that’s her below playing a Fender Jaguar), told us she liked, amongst other things, Christopher Walken and pickles from the jar. Well, had she been at the game she would have been very gratified to see, not Christopher Walken, but a pickle, albeit not an edible one and certainly not one from a jar. The pickle was an almighty blue paint scramble in front of the Bison net with Connolly managing to stab the puck across the line. Sean Barry and Lukas Sladkovsky assisted. Ooo Betty. 3-2 Bison and the Raiders now very much back into it.

Bison had to snatch back the initiative and this they did with another Ooo Mr. Rigsby goal from Jones on 38:29. The sequence of events all started with Sladkovsky having his collar felt for kneeing on 37:43. “Oi, geezer. You can’t do that,” may have been the thoughts of Referee Belfitt, although I doubt whether he used that precise turn of phrase as he ordered the errant Czech chap down the steps. Play proceeded with a 5 on 4 power play for Bison. Then in an act most ill-advised a mere 20 seconds later, Dan Scott committed a slash. “I say, old bean. That was a trifle mischievous,” said Ref Belfitt or at least, if he didn’t, he should have. But it mattered not a jot what he said as the result was a spell of choky for Scott and a 5 on 3 to Bison. Could the Riders hold out? Yes they could. But alas for them only for 26 seconds and then they fell headlong into the cesspit of disappointment, in which they swirled around unable to hide or assuage their despondency, as Jones slapped one along the deck and through the Gray 5-hole. Assists to Harding and Klejna. 4-2 Bison.

At the end of P2 Aaron Connolly was given a match penalty for a high stick into the face of Ryan Sutton. This was surely accidental, knowing Billy as we do, but rules is rules, blood had been spilled and off went Billy to the locker room to reflect on his misfortune. As Sutton returned to the ice in P3, the penalty was downgraded to a game. The early tiffin dished out to Billy was good news for Bison as he had scored both the Raiders’ goals and was looking by far their best player.

And so we passed into P3, By now it was dark outside (of course it was), but such had been the delays in P2 while the officials engaged in a mass debate amongst themselves as they discussed the veritable cornucopia of rule violations which they had seen, not seen and invented that it appeared that the sun would be rising before we left the rink and the fast food outlets, where one can enjoy a smorgasbord of culinary delights after the game, would all be shut. Could we get through P3 without delays on a par the UK with leaving the EU? Well actually yes we could. There were only 4 penalty calls in the period and no mass brawls.

On 50:25 Ollie Baldock was sent to the Tower for a trip. A minute into the ensuing power play Bison made it 5-2. Klejna and Tait indulged in an interchange most purple, which so bamboozled the Raiders’ D that they lost awareness of Morris’s presence on the ice. He appeared suddenly in front of goal, as if from Aladdin’s lamp, to take the final pass and smash the puck in a Holy Guacamole fashion past the hapless, hopeless and luckless Gray, who managed to be all three things at the same time. Gray, beaten again glove side and clearly suffering from a paucity of magnanimousness (yes that is a real word) and feeling unwilling to share in Morris’s elation at having scored his second of the game with a congratulatory comment or gesture, skated away from his breached net and smote the ice with his stick in a manner most violent, thus indicating his mood of exasperation and indignance. 5-2 Bison.

But it was not quite game over, as on 56:19 the Raiders bagged another courtesy of Jake Sylvester with Novak and Barry assisting. 5-3 Bison and the Raiders back in with a shout. But, alas for them, not much of a shout as Bison restored their 3 goal advantage a mere 15 seconds later with Harding, set up by a behind the net pass from Marek Malinsky, snapping in from in front of the net. The Raiders’ D had once again gone missing, possibly on a quest elsewhere to look for the lost city of Atlantis or maybe Captain Kidd’s hidden treasure in the Caribbean or even to find the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas. Wherever they were they weren’t in front of their net protecting Gray, who was left with as much protection as a wet paper bag would have provided and who by now must have been swimming in a sea of abject dejection. 6-3 Bison.

Shortly after the fat lady sang out and brought the proceedingss to an end. Top Bananas were elected – Sean Barry for the Raiders and Adam Jones for Bison, but it could have been Morris, also with 2 goals, or Klejna with 4 assists. As we trudged away from the rink we were elated to see that the sun hadn’t come up and the fast food outlets were still open for business.