Bison Cash in on Scott's Insanity

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 5 (OT)

28/12/19

Do teeth have skin? Of course they don’t. They have enamel. At least real ones do. Unlike the dentures that our favourite septuagenarian drops into a glass of water by his bed every night – eh Red Leader? I can throw no light on the origin of the expression “by the skin of your teeth”, but we all know what it means and those present at Planet Ice last night for the visit of the Raiders will know that this game truly was a skin of the teeth win, the equalising goal coming 3.8 seconds before the end of regulation time, which enabled Bison to snatch it in overtime. But I jump ahead, so let’s go all the way back to P1.

Bison needed to bang in a shedload of goals after their underperformance in recent matches with loads of shots, but very few goals. This they achieved, but they didn’t bank on having 5 knocked past them which made their task of winning the game a trifle difficult. Lady Jane Grey was Queen of England for only 9 days in 1553. The scoresheet remained blank for a very short period also, well not 9 days, but 3 minutes and 21 seconds to be precise. On 2:33 Tom Ralph was called for elbows. A shout of “Oi mate. Are you ‘avin’ a Turkish?” was directed at the referee from Block C. But no, Ref Matthews wasn’t having a Turkish and Ralph was thrown in the can. The men from the Smoke (well just outside the Smoke these days) took advantage when Oliver Alfie C. Baldock (that’s how he’s depicted on the game sheet – how odd) whipped in  a low shot past Alex “Mittens” Mettam, Sean Barry and Lukas Sladovsky assisting. 1-0 Raiders.

Bison surged forward in search of a leveller, but they were having no luck in front of the Raiders’ net, which was being admirably defended by Ethan James, who surely possesses the best hair in the NIHL – very Jimi Hendrix-esque, but longer (that’s him below – Hendrix that is, not James). Players and fans alike were becoming as frustrated as a flasher in an empty park. Eventually the Man in Charlestown Chiefs shirt cried in a manner most plaintiff, which illustrated his despair and anguish at the fact that the just expiring power play had not borne fruit, to Liam “Square Sausage” Morris as he dawdled on the puck at the point, “Have a shot”. Morris must have heard him, as have a shot was exactly what he did. Lurking close to the back door to redirect the puck past a startled James and into the stringbag was Sam Talbot. This resulted in the Man in the Chiefs shirt to cast aside his feelings of irritated vexation and adopt new ones of animated felicitation in common with those around him. Strangely enough the solitary assistant to Talbot was declared as Adam Harding, but it was definitely the Square Sausage who had taken the shot. Oh well never mind. 1-1.

And so at parity the period ended. The Raiders started the 2^nd in a wacko-the-diddle-o manner just as they had started the 1^st with a goal after 2 minutes. Sladovsky, assisted by Barry and Blahoslav Novak, fired in at close range 1-2 Raiders.

Bison stormed back in to level it once more on 28:27 with a zim-zam-zaramango power play strike. On 26:53 Daniel Fuller (no relation to Blind Boy Fuller, which of course he wouldn’t be as Blind Boy Fuller’s real name was Fulton Allen – you knew that didn’t you? That’s him below – Fulton not Dan that is) scooped the puck over the plexi. “Oi geezer,” said Ref Matthews in language that the London born Fuller would understand, “you’ve bleedin’ well delayed my game. Are you ‘avin’ a Turkish? I’m feelin’ your collar for that, me old china”. But just as Ref Matthews wasn’t having a Turkish when he sent Ralph to the box earlier, Fuller wasn’t having one now. It was a fair cop and down the steps went the errant fellow to reflect on his misdeed. It was to prove a costly misdemeanour as on 28:27 Sean Norris served up apple sauce (What? That’s hockey slang for delivering a saucer pass) from behind the goal to Alex Sampford in front. Bang. The net bulged, the goal light came on, arms went up, the Matthews pointy flat hand pointed flatly and netwardsly, Bison backers cheered, dogs barked and donkeys brayed. 2-2. Dangling Dick Bordowski with the second assist.

P2 ended with no more goals. P3 opened and it was to prove a veritable goal fest resulting from a cornucopia of purple plays at both ends of the ice – yes indeed a smorgasbord of entertainment. Bison seemed to have the momentum, but then disaster struck, perhaps not on the scale of the Great Fire of London (see below), the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 or the collapse of the Sint Servaasbrug bridge in Maastrict in 1275 (The what? Better Google that one). But a disaster nevertheless, as Jake Sylvester bagged a couple, the first assisted by Brandon Ayliffe and Eric Piatak, the second by Ayliffe and Fuller. 2-4 Raiders and Ooo Betty, Bison.

Things were looking grim for Bison. They were firing in enough shots, but were again failing to find the gaps between James and his goal frame. Then on 47:34 Baldock hooked. The dictionary definition of hook is “a curved or angular piece of metal or other hard substance for catching, pulling, holding, or suspending something”. Does this include the Baldock stick? Yes it does. At the time of the California gold rush of the 1840s Placerville in California became known as Hangtown, due to the propensity of the town judiciary to seek a swifter and more permanent punishment for offenders than would be achieved by a programme of conciliation, reformation and appeasement. Luckily for Baldock Ref Matthews belonged more in the latter camp than the former, maybe because he couldn’t find a rope, and off to the slammer went the miscreant for only a 2 minute stretch. As events transpired Baldock’s porridge didn’t last that long. On 47:34 Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones whipped home an Ooo Mr. Rigsby wrist shot from the slot. Assists were doled out to Michal Klejna and Norris. 3-4 Raiders.

Bison had at last seized the momentum, but in true Tantalus fashion, the cup was to be snatched from their lips once more only 2 minutes later when Sladowsky whipped in his second, Ayliffe and Dan Scott, who would later cost his team the game (I jump ahead), assisting. 3-5 Raiders. Ooo Matron for them, more Oooo Betty and back to the drawing board for Bison. The homesters needed to purple-ise (that’s not a real word by the way) their play or all would be lost.

The first step towards purpleness was achieved on 53:34 when Elliott Dewey’s speculative shot was tipped in by Klejna. Tait with the second assist, The deficit now reduced to 4-5. They now had 6 and a half minutes to find a leveller. This was Battle of Camerón stuff (Battle of what? See footnote 1). Well not quite as no-one died, but it was all hands on deck, all hands to the pump and all leave cancelled for the besieged Raiders. But Bison could find no way through and they entered the last chance saloon. With 1:19 remaining the signal to pull Mettam was made. Had the means deployed to pull the goaltender from the net had been proportional to the urgency to do so, a gang of muscle bound weight lifters would have rushed onto the ice to drag the netman kicking and screaming from the ice. But Mettam was no slouch and he raced unassisted to the bench with such speed that he that he would he have beaten Mark Cavendish in a sprint finish on the Champs Élysées. On came the extra skater for a final hurrah 6 on 5. Could Bison grab a goal and deliver a perfectly beastly kick in the unmentionables to the Raiders? Yes they could, but it was last gasp stuff to be sure as you will learn when you read the next paragraph, dear reader.

With only 3.8 seconds left on the clock the puck went as loose as a goose in front of the Raiders’ net. A scene of abject insanity ensued. It seemed like one big mad house with a bunch of deranged lunatics maniacally stabbing at the puck in a frantic and frenzied manner. Eventually Sampford forced the puck over the line for his second goal of the game and it was 5-5. Now it was the Bison crowd’s turn to lose their marbles as they instantly turned into a delirious mob of unhinged madmen (and women) wildly cheering and waving their arms in the air as if sanity had deserted them. Assists to Klejna and Harding.

And so into overtime we passed. It was to prove a monumental disaster for the Raiders all resulting from an act of violence of the most unspeakable ghastliness 37 seconds into the period. The perpetrator, who made Thug Behram, murderer of over 900 people (see footnote 2), look like a fluffy pussycat, was Dan Scott. He checked Liam Morris from behind in a most unpleasant fashion and sent him headlong into the boards, causing him a serious degree of discomfort. Blood gushed from Square Sausage’s head and he lay crumpled on the ice, a prostrate victim of the most beastly thuggery. As far as Scott was concerned, it was an act of monumental insanity (order the man a straitjacket). Ref Matthews doled out a 5 + game to Scott, meaning the Raiders would have to play the rest of the overtime period defending a 4 on 3. Could they hold out? Well actually no. It cost them the game, of course, but not straight away. The Raiders 3 and goaltender James redoubled their efforts into a Camerón style defense of their net. Bison nearly won it when Klejna fired a shot towards an empty net, but netman James threw out his arm and his glove swallowed up the puck like an amoeba ingesting a particle of food. The Raiders lived to fight another day. But not for long. On 62:29 the issue was settled. Bordowski slewed a cross ice pass to Norris with an entreaty to lay his lumber on the biscuit, although he probably didn’t actually say that. But Norris knew what was required and lay his lumber on the biscuit was exactly what he did. The puck flew past James, who had no hope of stopping it (Mind you he seemed to have no hope of stopping the Klejna effort but did). Out came the flat pointy hand of Ref Matthews for the last time of the evening. 6-5 Bison and game over. Bison had got out of jail, but it has to be said it was a jail of their own making.

Top bananas were elected. Unsurprisingly James copped the Raiders’ beers. Top Bison was Sam Talbot.

Footnote 1 : The Battle of Camerón 1863 was a 10 hour fight to the death between 65 French Foreign Legionnaires and 3,000 Mexicans. After 10 hours only 17 men were left to surrender. The commanding officer Captain D’Anjou’s wooden hand (see below) is the centrepiece of a solemn Legionnaire parade every year to commemorate the battle. The greatest honour which can be bestowed upon a Legionnaire is to be invited to carry the hand in its protective glass case at the parade

Footnote 2 : Thug Behram (that’s him below – looks quite innocuous really) was the notorious leader of the Thuggee cult active in India during the late 18th and early 19th centuries. He is reputed to have been involved in over 900 murders, mostly by strangulation. And yes that’s where the word “thug” comes from.