Tait Seals Bees’ Fate

Bison 4 Bracknell Bees 3 (shoot out)

9/3/19

Enough has been said about the Bison to Bees summer defections, so I will not revisit that in case, dear reader, you gain the impression that I am a twisted, gloating, inflammatory trouble maker. Suffice it to say we saw a cracking encounter at Planet Ice last night and one which resulted in a penalty shoot out win for the good guys (sorry musn’t make subjective comments) and bring the head to head to 4-1 in Bison’s favour, so far this season. How on earth could that happen? Well read on and you will find out.

P1 opened. On 8:02 an innocuous challenge by Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph was interpreted as a crime most unspeakable, iniquitous and abhorrent not to mention nefarious, abominable and villainous by Referee Matthews, who felt Ralph’s collar for boarding. 2 + 10 became 2 + 10 + 10 as Ralph gave air to his contrary opinion in the most vociferous manner and a misconduct and, as a consequence, game penalty was slapped upon him. Already lacking the services of 2 D-men with Cooke and Dewey absent from the bench, Bison now found themselves in a chunderous situation with Ralph’s exit leaving them with only 3 regular blueliners. It was as undesirable as the scrapings from a Equatorial fish gutter’s chopping block at the end of the hottest day of the year. (I was going to post a picture of that, but this is a family read and I didn't want to have children running screaming from their computer screens). To make matters worse Adam Jones was called for a cross check a minute later and Bison had a 5 on 3 to defend. They didn’t.

There would surely be an offside call as the Bees moved into the Bison defensive zone. But no. Not only Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles but also Blind Boy Fuller (who? see footnote) would have spotted that one. But not Mr. Cook. Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson found an all alone Josh Smith wide to the right of the Bison goal. He skated in, drew Alex “Mittens” Mettam down and slid the puck across the line at the back post. The Bison crowd were outraged. Their blood boiled just as surely as the jolly swagman’s billy boiled by the billabong. It was an outrageous lino-ing error. The goal stood. Thompson and Aidan Doughty was awarded assists. 0-1 Bees. Incidentally did you know Stevie Wonder’s real name is Steveland Judkins?

  

There was no further scoring in the 1^st, which ended 20 minutes of play after the initial puck drop – well why wouldn’t it? It had been a chunderous period for the homesters. Outplayed and outshot by the Bees by 13-6, things had to improve in the 2^nd or it would be curtains. Initially they didn’t, but then they did as I shall relate, dear reader.

The early part of the period saw a much improved Bison until 5:38 into it when the Bees scored. Oh bloody. The Bison defending was cringeworthy and cataclysmic cock-up of colossal classification, as the Bees broke up play, broke forward and broke the P2 deadlock with an unchallenged Josh Martin smacking in from in front of the net. Zach Milton and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg were awarded apples. That’s player slang for an assists you know - I wouldn’t want you to think that pink ladies were doled out to Milton and Moggie. 0-2 Bees and, had had Bonnie Tyler (real name Gaynor Hopkins by the way) been present and a Bison fan she would have started singing “It's a heartache. Nothing but a heartache.”

What had seemed an uphill struggle at 0-1 and outplayed at the end of 1^st now became a mountainous one. Could Bison stage a comeback from this chunderous position? Or would it be a Bay City Rollers-esque “Bye-bye, baby” scenario. That's them below - great fashion. What Bison badly needed was a goal to boost their confidence and give the Bees’ something to think about. Well, as it transpired, the Bay City Rollers were premature with their farewell and Bison scored not 1 or 2 but 3 goals before the period ended to snatch an unlikely lead and condemn the Bees to a P2 interval locker room roasting from Coach Sheppard.

Bison goal no.1 arrived on 32:01 with Tyler Vankleef (OK no more spaghetti western jokes) binned for a stick into the face of Alex Sampford, who, some observers said, shed blood as a result, but for reasons I cannot throw light upon, there was no match penalty for Vankleef, who would later score a goal and take 3 penalties in the shoot out when arguably he should not have been on the ice. Perish the thought that I should criticise the officials.

In the resultant 5 on 4, Bison bulged the net at last. Well only metaphorically speaking as it was a trickle across the line type of goal – a veritable dirty goal with a discordant and disorganised discombobulation in front of the crease. Netman Dean Skinns failed to make himself as impregnable as Hadrian’s wall and the puck trickled across the line, as I have already mentioned. The scorer was Michal Klejna and the apple recipients Ashley Tait and Adam Jones. 1-2 Bees.

That was all Bison needed. Imbued with a new confidence they hammered away at the visitors and were rewarded with an equalising score on 36:54. Adam Jones shot in a goalwards direction and there was Michal Klejna with a twig dangling redirect. Would Skinns manage to save it? He did, but, much to the netman’s chagrin, he proved to be a trifle rubberoid on this occasion and the puck bounced off him straight to Adam Harding, who slammed the biscuit into the net past Deano to render the hapless netman devoid of contentment. In the Bison blocks, some shouted “Holy cow!”, others “Holy mackerel!”, others still “Holy Guacamole!” 2-2.

But Bison were not finished yet and scored again only a minute later to make Coach Sheppard, just back from a 2 game suspension, wish it had been a 3 game suspension, which would have enabled him not to be there and witness this falling apart of his team and suffer a dagger blow to his heart as it was a player he didn’t want in the summer who scored the go ahead goal. That was Danny Ingoldsby. Taking a pass from Adam Jones he raced forward and fired in a wrist shot of great purpleness. 3-2 Bison. The Bison backers greeted the goal with vociferations illustrating their joy and enthusiasm. They whooped. They hollered. The yahoo’ed. They woo-hoo’d. They squealed like a pig. They screamed like a banshee. They brayed like a donkey. They howled like the Hound of the Baskerville. They war cried like Crazy Horse at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

The concession of yet another goal and one scored by a player they didn’t want (OK that’s the second time I’ve mentioned that – just making a point) propelled the Bees and their accompanying admirers in a downward direction to a new level of wretchedness, as they wallowed in opprobrium. However, the “supporters of hockey”, who watch the Bees but declare they are not Bees’ fans, must have been delighted to see a Ooo matron goal of such purple spectacularity crown an astonishing turnaround. Indeed they must have been inwardly rejoicing to witness a volte-face of eye opening unanticipatedness (OK I made that word up) from left field. 0-2 to the bad and looking like they were going to be on the receiving end of a beating more violent than a housewife flagellating a doormat (see below), Bison were now ahead, having delivered a spanking of their own in the form of a 3 goal salvo. P2 ended and Bison went to the locker room, doubtless to receive the acclamation of Coaches Tait and Redmond. The scenes in the Bees’ locker room can only be imagined, but delight, elation and jubilance are not words which could be used to describe the scene I am sure.

P3 opened and, although Bison won the shot count by 9-3, it was the Bees who bagged the only goal of the epoch. The scorer was Vankleef – you know that fellow who maybe shouldn’t have been on the ice at all. He rifled in a top shelfer across Mettam from a tight angle and it was 3-3. Josh Martin and Thompson were declared assistants to the scorer.

Into overtime we passed and a typical cat and mouse 5 minutes ended at 2 shots apiece but no goals, thus necessitating a penalty shoot out. 1-1 at the end of 3 shots apiece led to sudden death, the 7^th penalty of which saw Vankleef firing towards an empty net or at least it would have been had the shaft of Mettam’s stick not been in the way. The puck ricocheted off the netman’s lumber and away to oblivion, leaving Coach Tait to score and win the game for Bison. Tait had scored the previous penalty with a deke and slide across the line past a beached Deano, but this time he chose to whip it in top shelf and the game was won.

Top Bananas were elected. Ed Knaggs was top Bee and Adam Jones took the Bison award with a 3 assists Ooo Mr. Rigsby game.

Footnote : Fulton Allen aka Blind Boy Fuller (that’s him below playing a National steel guitar – OK could be a Dobro) was an amazing blues guitarist and singer who made a large number of recordings in the 1930s including “Big leg woman gets my pay”, “Meat shakin’ woman” and “Bye bye baby blues” (so that’s where the Bay City Rollers stole that one). He died tragically young aged 32.