Bison Express Back on Track

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 0

2/3/19

Anyone remember “Dallas”, the oil tycoon soap opera of the 70s, 80s and 90s? You know – J.R. (who remembers who shot him by the way?), Cliff Barnes, Sue Ellen and all that lot. At the end of season 8 Bobby Ewing died. Season 9 saw a fall in ratings, so they decided to bring back Bobby. How on earth? After all he was pushing up the daisies. So at the beginning of Season 10 Bobby steps out of the shower alive and well and Season 9 was wiped – Pamela had dreamt the whole thing. Well in a similar vein, when you consider last night’s dominant performance by the homesters against the blokes from the Smoke (actually Essex now), perhaps Bison’s recent run of bad results had all been a dream. Maybe Bobby Ewing stepped out of the shower in the Bison locker room and the 4 home games without a win just hadn’t happened.

 P1 opened and the Basingstoke icemen went straight for the jugular. However, it wasn’t until 9:00 that they finally bagged a goal. And it was to be a goal of great annoyance for goaltender Michael Gray. Doc Cowley and Liam “Square Sausage” Morris combined to set up Coach Ashley Tait, who delivered a clapper, which displayied the qualities of dynamism, ferocity and direction. Gray never saw it as he was screened. We heard a metallic clunk of rubber upon steel as the biscuit smote the goal frame. Alas for the hapless netman the puck bounced out, hit him on the back and went in. On came the goal light and it was 1-0 Bison. Gray displayed his annoyance (see below), remonstrating in a manner most vigorous with his D. Back in 1966 The Monkees urged us to take the last train to Clarksville. Had such transport been available to Gray, he would surely have taken it to escape from his inept D and his embarassment.

Things did not improve for the luckless custodian and, in fact, they got worse. On 11:07 Aaron “Billy” Connolly fell foul of the law. Ref Matthews felt Billy’s collar and down the steps he went for hooking. Bison on the power play and it took only 15 seconds for them make Billy regret his impetuous actions and seek to assuage his guilt by embarking on a journey of contrition and sacrifice in order to reach a state of mind characterised by enlightenment and tranquillity. But all that came later. Back to the now. Michal Klejna squared the puck to Coach Tait at the point. He delivered a clapper much like his goal scoring clapper. We saw it fly towards the net on the netman’s right. Gray may have had it covered, but he didn’t bargain for the intervention of Adam Harding, whose dangling twig deflected the puck across the ill-fated custodian and into the goal on the other side of him. 2-0 Bison.

On 13:12 Brandon Ayliffe delivered a crunching boarding challenge on Coach Tait, possibly fearful that he was going to deliver another clapper, even though he was at half way, on the boards and facing the wrong way. “2 + 10 for you, matey” said Ref Matthews and off to the slammer went the errant young man. There were those who thought that the sentence should have been 5 years in Strangeways. Ayliffe may have strange ways, but on this occasion he was not sent to Strangeways. Back in 1993 D;Ream told us "Things can only get better". Well that’s not strictly true, as the Raiders found out when, 24 seconds into the Ayliffe penalty, Connolly was called for another penalty, this time tripping. So 5 on 3. The Raiders defence stood firm for the duration of the 5 on 3, but couldn’t display the same robustness when 5 on 4. Bison’s 3^rd on 15:26 was a dirty goal, a mess of great magnitude, an anaesthetic goalmouth befuddlement. But never mind - they all count. The scorer was Klejna, who forced the biscuit over the line at the second attempt, much to the annoyance of Gray, whose grey day was becoming greyer by the minute and whose hair was turning grey as a result. Klejna’s scoring confederates were identified as Harding and Cowley.

The Raiders had to keep Bison out for the remainder off the period and, if possible, grab an arrears reducing score. Much to the very grave chagrin of their supporters, coach, equipment manager and stick boy, they failed on both counts and in the process plunged the aforementioned disciples into a cesspool of despair, depression, dejection and despondency causing them to adopt a state of morosity, malaise, morbidity and mourning. With only 48 seconds left on the clock, George “Gordon” Norcliffe made it 4-0. Behind the goal was Cowley. The Doc squared to Norcliffe who emerged from behind the goal line in a wide arc. Where was the Raiders” D? Nowhere to be seen. So much so that they might just as well have been cryogenically preserved cadavers, like Walt Disney (see footnote), as they displayed a similar degree of immobility. Norcliffe was left unopposed and wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He drove the puck goalwards. Gray’s efforts to stop the puck proved less than what was required. He got a piece of it, but a piece not large enough. As the puck dribbled slowly across the line he slammed his glove down onto it, but it was too late – the puck was over and the goal light was shining forth like a beacon on a stormy night. 4-0 Bison.

The buzzer blared forth to indicate a cessation of P1 hostilities. It had been an Ooo Matron period for Bison and an Ooo Betty one for the Raiders. The visitors had to do better in the ensuing 2 periods or it would be a cricket score or maybe even a croquet score. Tactical change number 1 was to pull Gray and thereby end his grey day. The new goaltender was Ben Clements, who was to fare far better than his hapless colleague custodian, as I shall relate, dear reader.

P2 looked like being scoreless as Clements provided Berlin Wall-esque resistance whereas his predecessor Gray appeared to have more holes in him that a Swiss cheese. Bison finally managed to burst the gates of the Clements fortress on 38:30 and it was yet another power play goal, their 3^rd out of 5 scored. The miscreant this time was the jutting chinned Jumping Jehosophat Pitchley. His folly scaled the heights of incredulity. It was straight from the pages of “Off the puck thuggery” by Donkey Payete - remember him? Of course we do. As Pilot Officer Paul Petts was leaving the ice with the puck miles away, Pitchley slammed into him, causing the infelicitous fellow to disappear from view behind the boards, thus obeying Newton’s theory of gravitation. As he was now out of sight from those in Blocks A, B, C and D, it must remain a matter of speculation as to whether the hapless victim’s fall to the ice was more in the manner of a rag doll or a sack of potatoes (see below). Had Petts said or done something which had upset J.J.? Or was he merely the wrong bloke in the wrong place at the wrong time? Only the protuberantly jawboned J.J. can provide an answer to that enigmatic conundrum. “Oi, geezer,” said Ref Matthews. “You’re bang out of order.” 2 + 10 for the bespectacled assailant.

In the ensuing power play the puck sizzled across the ice from Bison stick to Bison stick like an egg on a hot griddle. Klejna from behind the goal to Tait wide left. Doc Cowley was in the middle, having evaded the Raiders’ D, which was once again displaying the mobility of cryogenically preserved cadavers. The puck reached the Doc and he dished out the medicine (OK he’s not a medical doctor, he’s a PhD type of doctor so he doesn’t have anything to do with medicine but what the hell – it’s a good metaphor). The Doc hammered it into the net with a down on one knee snapper. It took him a while to get up from this position. Let’s hope this is not as a result of old age. 5-0 Bison.

And so into the final epoch we passed. As in P2 we were to witness only a solitary goal, but this was a goal of great purpleness scored by Liam Morris, a paragon of self control since returning from his lengthy ban – maybe he could teach Ryan Watt a thing or two - ooo that’s controversial. Once again the Raiders’ D proved a greater calamity than Calamity Jane herself. A centre ice pass from Klejna set Morris on his way. He slipped past a static D man as if he wasn’t there. Perhaps the D man wished he hadn’t been there. Now in on goal could the Caledonian marauder bamboozle the netman and score? Well I’ve already told you there was a goal, so yes he could. He drew the goaltender feinting (not fainting) to shoot on the backhand, but as Clements went down to the ice, Morris dragged the puck wide to the opposite side and slid it over the line past the beached whale-esque form of Clements. Jay King, another Scotsman, was identified as an assistant for the goal alongside Klejna, who ruined it as an all Scottish affair by not being Scottish, but who cares. Klejna was now on 1+4 for the night. 6-0 Bison.

The clock ticked down to 0:00 and the fat lady sang. Alex “Mittens” Mettam had his shut out, Bison had the points and the sun shone in Bisonland once more. Top bananas were elected. Clements with 25 saves from 27 shots was the worthy recipient of the Raiders’ accolade and the ice twirling, hat doffing Klejna took the Bison award.

Footnote : Actually, contrary to popular myth, Walt Disney’s body was not cryogenically preserved. When he died in 1966 he was cremated and his ashes interred at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California, thus making a future  revival rather difficult. Fake news.