Hey Joes - I Heard You Shot the Lightning Down

I have it third hand that I have offended “certain players and their partners”, but who and how I have not been told, which is a shame as I would be quite happy to apologise to their faces if such complaints are genuine and justified. I have my doubts that they are genuine, as surely no-one could take offense at the stuff I write, which is so very clearly written in a light hearted vein, and is certainly nothing remotely like the vile personal stuff which is said on the ice between players. You won’t find any criticism or vitriol directed at any Bison player in my reports. If you have any views, positive or negative, please post up either on the blog or on the Forum post. I would be very interested to hear. But no trolls thanks. If you are offended by my match reports, may I respectfully suggest you DON‘T READ THEM. If you like my reports, then read on…………

Bison 5 Milton Keynes Lightning 0

29/9/2012

Strange headline. Not a Hendrix fan? Well you’ll have to Google “Hey Joe” then. The Joes in this case are Rand and Greener, who plundered 4 goals between them as Bison thrashed the MK Lightning 5-0. How hot is Bison’s current form? Well hotter than a shovelful of Captain Redbeard's Sharkbite Habanero Pepper Sauce (it really exists you know). And it was a second successive home shut out for Stonewall Stevie Lyle. Is there a way past this Welsh wall? Doesn’t look like it.

Right at the start of the 1^st period (after only 42 seconds to be precise) MK were caught cold, caught a cold, caught out, caught on the hop, caught napping and caught short, not to mention caught with their trousers down. Cuddly Joe Greener, put in by Coach Sheppard, saw his shot saved by goaltender Alex Mettam, but managed to stab in the rebound. The stadium erupted, Vesuvius style – well all except those in the away seats. 1-0 to Bison.

Lightning fell further behind in the 6^th minute. This time another Joe got his name on the score sheet – Lumberjack Joe Rand (he always wears checked shirts – the nickname’s officially approved by Mr. Rand himself by the way). It really was a masterclass of passing and movement. Greg “the Specs” Owen behind the goal line to Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, also behind the goal line, to Lumberjack Joe in front of the net. Bang. Joe’s one timer flew past Mettam for 2-0. The execution of the move would have impressed even Madame Guillotine. In fact, it could be described as a work of art. The trio certainly showed that they possess more artistic talent than Tracey Emin – I mean you wouldn’t catch Greg, Greg or Joe leaving their beds unmade would you? (Google “Tracey Emin unmade bed” if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Before the period had ended the diminutive match referee, Mr Evans (he must be a Welshman with a name like that so let’s call him Evans the Whistle) decided to flex his muscles. He stood on the ice several yards from the bench, pointed at Cuddly Joe Greener and insisted he come over the wall to be told off on the ice rather than skate a few yards further and talk to him across the wall. It smacked of petty officialdom. It rather backfired as Joe towered over Evans the Whistle and made it look as if our revered official might have been suffering from “small man syndrome”. To even matters up MK’s Grant McPherson received an identical reprimand shortly after.

The start of the 2^nd was delayed thanks to the goal judge (we all know who you are, BisonPete) not being at his post. He should have been sent to the penalty box for “delay of game”. Never mind he joined the party soon after and the game restarted in a lively fashion. An all Canadian altercation between Nick Poole and Lumberjack Joe Rand resulted in Nick being nicked for interference. As he languished in the box he saw his team very nearly score a short handed goal, but as the puck slid across the blue paint inches from the red line, there was Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds picking it up, cool as a cucumber, and snuffing out the danger.

Immediately afterwards Cuddly Joe Greener fell foul of the law once more and found himself in solitary for tripping. Having emerged from the house of correction a reformed character (that might be an exaggeration), he found himself on the MK blue line with everyone else up ice and Bison in possession of the puck. However, due to the traffic in front of him Lumberjack Joe was not able to deliver a telling pass. Instead he skated forward to find clear ice and sent a cross ice pass to Cuddly Joe, who steamed in on Mettam’s goal and hammered the puck towards the 5-hole. Had the Lightning netman possessed Hobbit sized feet, he might have been able to stop the shot, but he is no Bilbo Baggins and his feet are more akin in size to those of Gollum. Joe smashed the puck through the isosceles triangle that was Mettam’s 5-hole. 3-0 to Bison. Doug Sheppard with the further assist.

In the 28^th minute Bison surged further ahead. Greg “the Specs” Owen robbed the puck back on the forecheck enabling Greg “Chubbs” Chambers to deliver a perfect pass from the boards to Lumberjack Joe Rand unmarked in the slot. Joe hammered home for 4-0.

Bison’s chance of a second successive home shut out so nearly bit the dust 3 minutes into the 3^rd. Slovenian marksman, Blaz Emersic, formerly of the wonderfully named Rio Grande Killer Bees (yes really) found himself in on goal and, with some very clever stick handling, managed to beat Stonewall Stevie with a back hander. However, the net was adjudged to have moved off its moorings before the puck crossed the line as Emersic shoved a floored Lyle backwards onto the post and the goal was chalked off, much to the chagrin of the Lightning players, who argued their case with Evans the Whistle but to no avail.

Things then went from bad to worse for MK 2 minutes later as Bison bagged a 5^th. Once again we were treated to a piece of artistry from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers. Skating across goal from the left he looked likely to shoot but stayed his hand, drew the goaltender wide and passed back across the face of goal for Greg “the Specs” Owen. The goaltender seemed to be saying “There you go, Greg. I’ll leave you a nice wide gap between me and the post for you to shoot into. You deserve a goal”. Greg accepted the kind offer. His shot hurtled past the hapless netman faster than Rosa “Zazel” Richter in full flight. Who? Go on Google her –she was the first human cannon ball in 1877. It was a third assist of the game for Chubbs, who now has 9 points in 5 games (critics take note). The further assist went to Cam “Popeye” Wynn, who was enjoying a lot of ice time in the 3^rd due to the non appearance of Lumberjack Joe after a knock in the 2^nd. Well done Cam. Get well soon Joe.

Stonewall Stevie continued his quest for a shutout with some excellent goaltending. Brittle was in on Lyle, but Lyle proved not to be brittle and saved with his stick. Then Zatopeck shot from the blueline, but Stevie was not required to keep the puck out this time as it flew high into the netting above the glass. It looked like Zatopeck was shooting for the moon. “Come Fly With Me” blared from the rink speakers – coincidence?

As the clock ticked down someone had the audacity to “mess with the Tank”. Man mountain Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik received a high stick in the face from Leigh Jamieson. Blood was spilled, but there was no penalty at all, even though the officials were clearly aware of the bodily fluid on the ice as stewards Chris and Nasher were called on to remove the corpuscular material before play could be restarted.

Another splendid home win for Bison and a shutout and Man of the Match award for Stonewall Stevie Lyle, who has now gone 8 periods on home ice without having his defences breached and now boasts an amazing save percentage of .975 for the season. Goodness gracious and Cymru am Byth.

Miller Magic

Bison 4 Peterborough Phantoms 0

22/9/12

Were you there that night in Wolfie’s when Coach Sheppard announced the re-signing of Shoeless Joe Miller for Bison? I was there and I can tell you without risk of being accused of exaggeration (who me?) that the ovation Joe received from the assembled throng of Bison faithful threatened to take the roof off the building. Shep described Joe as a “natural goalscorer” and, if anyone needed confirmation of how good judge of a player he is, I hope they were at Planet ice last night when Man of the Match Joe hammered a hat-trick to scare the life out of the Phantoms. But it wasn’t only about Joe – it was a fine team performance.

The game began with a rather strange incident after 1:43. Chunky Joe Greener and Phantoms goaltender, Damien King went down on the ice and lay there together like a couple locked in a loving embrace, but Joe had cooked his goose, as far as the officials were concerned, and was called for interference. Into the penalty box he went to simmer for two minutes. Having served his porridge, Joe emerged from the box and within seconds had set up Bison’s first goal. The move proved a recipe for success with Chunky Joe as head chef. The puck sizzled across the ice from Joe’s stick like an egg on a hot griddle straight into the path of Doug Sheppard. Coach Sheppard bore down on goal with only one blueliner and a goaltender to beat. On the opposite wing Shoeless Joe Miller raced forward in support, tearing up the ice and ruining the Zamboni driver’s hard work. However Maple Leaf Doug didn’t need him and his unstoppable wrist shot found the net. A distinct PING! was heard. Had the puck gone in off the post or hit the stanchion at the back of the goal? I hadn’t been to Specsavers and couldn’t see. My attempt to clarify the situation in the interval failed as the Bearded Rabble Rouser, much closer to the action in Block A, could throw no light on the matter and proved as much use as a chocolate teapot. Who cares what it hit? 1-0 it was.

The game saw the return to Planet Ice of former Bison idol, Ondrej Lauko, the Slovak Sniper, who bagged no fewer than 100 goals in his two seasons at Bison. To celebrate his return the Gooner and his family (all three of them) wore Lauko shirts. They must have winced as Lauks received a different sort of welcome halfway through the period – a massive hit involving 254 lbs of muscle and bone in the form of Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik aka Tomas the Tank splatting him against the boards. Thankfully Ondrej survived the personal assault.

No sooner had the 2^nd period begun when Tom Norton was called for high sticking on Joe Rand. Into the slammer he went but for only 22 seconds as Bison made the power play count. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers’s shot was deflected into the path of Shoeless Joe, all alone at the back door. Joe made no mistake and it was Millertime once more. Joe Greener’s involvement in the game was bearing fruit with the award of his second assist.

A minute later, Shoeless Joe was sent “down the steps” for holding and in the resultant power play Coach Sheppard nearly bagged a short handed goal, chasing onto a long pass, which may indeed have been intended as a dump, controlling the puck at full stretch, but having his shot saved. Moments later the Bespectacled Youth shouted “His lid’s come off”. And so it had. Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds had lost his helmet and had no option but to leave the ice or receive a penalty for improper equipment. He was in the corner on the other side of the ice to the bench and had to skate faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo on full throttle to get off the ice as quickly as possible and allow a team mate on as the officials quite correctly permitted the game to continue.

On 34 minutes Greg “the Specs” Owen, a man who clearly has been to Specsavers, was unlucky to have a “goal” chalked off, the net moving of its moorings as he fired in his shot. That wasn’t the only time the net was off its moorings in the period. Earlier the goal had shifted off and Bison’s Caledonian Captain, Tosh Redmond, was attempting to put it back on with the action still continuing in the corner. However, Phantoms netman King didn’t like this and shoved it further adrift, ruining Tosh’s efforts and stopping play. He couldn’t be called for delay of game as the net was already off. You are not committing an offense by pushing a net off its moorings further off its moorings, so to speak.

Minutes later an extraordinary incident occurred. The slightly built Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, all 160 lbs of him, delivered a massive hit on James Ferrara, much to the astonishment of the crowd. Duracell Man confirmed to me that an elbow, unseen by the officials, was also involved – heavens above! Surely not Cam. He must have been upset by the Phantoms' No. 17. Just before the period ended Bison romped into a 3-0 lead. Chunky Joe Greener and Coach Sheppard combined to put Miller in the clear and Shoeless Joe rifled in a top shelf wrist shot.

Right at the start of the 3^rd Fojtik used his size and strength to block a Phantoms forward so effectively that I couldn’t see who it was. The incident amused the crowd, particularly the bespectacled Youth, who shouted some good advice to the Phantoms man – “Don’t mess with the Tank.” It is not clear whether the warning was heard, but indeed no-one did “mess with the Tank” thereafter.

Although the Phantoms came back strongly in the final period and succeeded in outshooting Bison, they could not find the net and it was, in fact, the home team who wrapped up the scoring in the 49^th minute. A slack pass out of defense was intercepted by Maple Leaf Doug. He fed Joe Miller, who fired in another of his unstoppable wrist shots. Damien King must have hoped that the frame of the goal had saved his bacon as he surely heard the sonorous PING! sound behind him – we all did. Alas for the hapless netman the puck had hit the underside of the bar and cannoned in. Shoeless Joe had completed a well deserved hat-trick.

Well what a night for the Bison faithful. Stonewall Stevie Lyle achieved Bison’s first shut out for two years, blocking, catching and deflecting no fewer than 33 shots. There were some hairy moments – you could say moments with more hair on them than on a Sphynx cat (you have to Google image that if you don’t know what I’m talking about), but Stonewall Stevie’s goal survived. And credit for the shutout must also go to the Genial Brummie and the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. How on earth? Well the last time Bison came close to a shutout was in February. With the clock ticking down towards 3 minutes to go and Bison leading the Bracknell Bees by 3-0, the Chiefs Man jinxed it all by mentioning the possibility of a shut out to the Genial Brummie. Within seconds the Bison goal was breached. This time, even though they thought about it as the clock ticked down, they said nothing. A lesson had been learned.

Bees Buzz but Bison Get the Nectar

Bison 4 Bracknell Bees 1

15/9/2012

Bearing in mind the strength of this season’s Bison bench and the rather unimpressive showing of the Bracknell Bees in the 4 TT, not to mention their two pre season defeats against Slough in the massively prestigious Berkshire Cycles Cup, many of the Bison faithful who poured into Planet Ice last night were expecting a game as unequal as an arm wrestling contest between Mike Tyson and Mr. Burns. However, the Bees showed spirit and fight (more about Scott “Turtle” Spearing in a minute) and matched Bison shot for shot in each period. Bison’s clinical finishing and another impressive performance from goaltender Stonewall Stevie Lyle were the differences.

The first major incident of the game occurred in the 8^th minute when Scott Spearing was called for a check to the head of Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. He received a 2 + 10 for the check and a further 10 misconduct for letting his views be known to the officials, possibly in the language of a Billingsgate fish porter. We didn’t hear anything in Block C. We just saw his mouth moving. The Bespectacled Youth thought that the referee should have thrown Spearing out of the game. Not literally of course – now that would have been an entertaining spectacle.

 

The Bees survived the power play, but fell behind in the 12th minute. A wonderful diagonal pass by Shoeless Joe Miller found Greg Chambers on the boards. Chubbs cut in from the left wing and sent an unstoppable wrist shot past Carl Ambler in the Bees’ net. 1-0 to Bison. Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds picked up the second assist.

The Bison lead lasted only a minute. A delayed penalty was called. The Bespectacled Youth communicated his disagreement with the decision by uttering an unprintable word. I turned around to remind him that such expletives were not permitted when suddenly it was a goal. I had committed the cardinal sin of taking my eye off the puck. I had to rely on the testimony of the Desperate Dan lookalike, the Genial Brummie and Duracell Man for a description of the goal. Apparently a Marcel Petran slap shot was deflected past Stonewall Stevie Lyle by Alan Lack, fortuitously finding the smallest of gaps between pad and post. 1-1.

A quick response was needed and it was Chunky Joe Greener who rose to the occasion like a soufflé in the oven at Gas mark 5. Joe and Bison player/coach Doug Sheppard cooked up a great move between them. Joe poached the puck on the forecheck, and served it up to Maple Leaf Doug, whose lightning pass found fellow Canadian Joe Rand steaming in at the back door. If goaltender Ambler had possessed the physical attributes of Erica Roe, streaker of great renown (go on Google image her – blokes only), he may have had a chance of blocking the goal entirely. Alas for Scrambler he did not and he could not. Joe’s one timer screamed past the hapless netman and into the net behind. The roar from the Bison crowd threatened to take the roof off the building. Thankfully it stayed put, thus obviating the need for extensive and indeed expensive structural repairs. 2-1 Bison.

In the 16^th minute referee Szucs was lucky to escape with his life as he was involuntarily involved in a massive body check by giant Czech blueliner, Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik, on Alan Lack. It must have been a terrifying moment for the man in the armbands as the best part of 450 lbs of humanity and hockey equipment hurtled towards him as he casually minded his own business on the boards. Fortunately the hapless official managed to avoid the main impact by squeezing his generous form out from under the players like toothpaste being ejected from a tube and Mr Szucs lived to make another call.

The second period opened in lively fashion with opportunities at both ends. After 3 minutes Maple leaf Doug was thrown into the can for hooking. Bison survived the resultant power play, but only just. Former Bison favourite, Marcel Petran, aka the Slovak Cannon, wound himself up to fire in one of his characteristic slap shots. He muffed the shot and somehow, defying the laws of physics, the puck shot behind him from the Bison blueline and had to be harvested by Petran’s own goaltender. Shortly afterwards Rob Lamey showed how it should be done and sent in a humdinger of a slapshot which Stonewall Stevie saved. Lamey was then involved in an incident of a rather different kind – another thunderous hit from Fojtik. 256 lbs of moving man mountain slammed Lamey against the boards with massive force threatening to reduce his body thickness to that of an Rizla fag paper. The noise of the impact was probably heard back in Bracknell. The crowd voiced their approval. Miraculously, Lamey survived.

Bison went further ahead in the 26^th minute. A face off in the Bees defensive zone was won by Greg “The Specs” Owen. The other Greg, “Chubbs” Chambers, spotted Alex Symonds free at the back door and found him with slide rule pass. The Welsh blueliner took possession of the puck and let loose a top shelf wrist shot which beat Scrambler all hands down. With a goal and now an assist all Chubbs needed for a Gordie Howe hat trick was a fight. Perhaps he could have invited Turtleman Spearing to join him in an unsavoury embroilment. The latter, however, having already attempted to murder “Machine Gun” Melachrino, had his sights set on others, as we shall see.

There was no further scoring in the second, but Bison were to seal the victory with a fourth goal half way through the 3^rd period. Prior to this, however, Spearing provoked Shoeless Joe Miller into some push and shove. 2 minutes each in the glasshouse for “delay of game” was the punishment – a rather strange call, but the encounter was way too docile to be called “roughing”.

Barely out of clink, the Turtleman was involved in another unsavoury altercation. He wasn’t exactly endearing himself to the Bison crowd with his agitator antics. In fact, he had become just about as undesirable with the Bison players and crowd as the scrapings from the inside of a Mongolian tram driver’s gauntlet. His chosen opponent this time was once again Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino, the man who he had tried to murder with a head check in the 1^st period. A hard hit and clinch on the boards by the red line attracted a 2 minute roughing penalty for each. On their way to the slammer the verbals obviously continued and suddenly down went the gloves and off came the helmets, but it turned out to be nothing more than posturing and Melachrino was shoved through the open door of the penalty box by the linesman before anything developed.

Bison’s victory was sealed in the 50^th minute with a 2 on 1 breakaway goal scored by Greg  Chambers. Put clear by Doug Sheppard, Chubbs hammered forward like there was no tomorrow. Perhaps he thought there wasn’t going to be a tomorrow, but actually it turned out that there was. Greg “The Specs” Owen steamed forward on the left wing in support, but Chubbs didn’t need him. He fired home a top shelf wrist shot for his second goal of the game. The net immediately came off its moorings and it looked as if Chubbs’s shot had caused it to do so, but in fact it was a Bees player who had nudged it off. Further assist to Fojtik.

With 2 goals, an assist and a fine performance Chubbs was the obvious choice for Bison’s man of the match. The Bees award went to Alan Lack, who maybe should have earned the award for nothing other than surviving a Fojtik body check never mind scoring the Bees only goal.