Hey Joes - I Heard You Shot the Lightning Down

I have it third hand that I have offended “certain players and their partners”, but who and how I have not been told, which is a shame as I would be quite happy to apologise to their faces if such complaints are genuine and justified. I have my doubts that they are genuine, as surely no-one could take offense at the stuff I write, which is so very clearly written in a light hearted vein, and is certainly nothing remotely like the vile personal stuff which is said on the ice between players. You won’t find any criticism or vitriol directed at any Bison player in my reports. If you have any views, positive or negative, please post up either on the blog or on the Forum post. I would be very interested to hear. But no trolls thanks. If you are offended by my match reports, may I respectfully suggest you DON‘T READ THEM. If you like my reports, then read on…………

Bison 5 Milton Keynes Lightning 0

29/9/2012

Strange headline. Not a Hendrix fan? Well you’ll have to Google “Hey Joe” then. The Joes in this case are Rand and Greener, who plundered 4 goals between them as Bison thrashed the MK Lightning 5-0. How hot is Bison’s current form? Well hotter than a shovelful of Captain Redbeard's Sharkbite Habanero Pepper Sauce (it really exists you know). And it was a second successive home shut out for Stonewall Stevie Lyle. Is there a way past this Welsh wall? Doesn’t look like it.

Right at the start of the 1^st period (after only 42 seconds to be precise) MK were caught cold, caught a cold, caught out, caught on the hop, caught napping and caught short, not to mention caught with their trousers down. Cuddly Joe Greener, put in by Coach Sheppard, saw his shot saved by goaltender Alex Mettam, but managed to stab in the rebound. The stadium erupted, Vesuvius style – well all except those in the away seats. 1-0 to Bison.

Lightning fell further behind in the 6^th minute. This time another Joe got his name on the score sheet – Lumberjack Joe Rand (he always wears checked shirts – the nickname’s officially approved by Mr. Rand himself by the way). It really was a masterclass of passing and movement. Greg “the Specs” Owen behind the goal line to Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, also behind the goal line, to Lumberjack Joe in front of the net. Bang. Joe’s one timer flew past Mettam for 2-0. The execution of the move would have impressed even Madame Guillotine. In fact, it could be described as a work of art. The trio certainly showed that they possess more artistic talent than Tracey Emin – I mean you wouldn’t catch Greg, Greg or Joe leaving their beds unmade would you? (Google “Tracey Emin unmade bed” if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Before the period had ended the diminutive match referee, Mr Evans (he must be a Welshman with a name like that so let’s call him Evans the Whistle) decided to flex his muscles. He stood on the ice several yards from the bench, pointed at Cuddly Joe Greener and insisted he come over the wall to be told off on the ice rather than skate a few yards further and talk to him across the wall. It smacked of petty officialdom. It rather backfired as Joe towered over Evans the Whistle and made it look as if our revered official might have been suffering from “small man syndrome”. To even matters up MK’s Grant McPherson received an identical reprimand shortly after.

The start of the 2^nd was delayed thanks to the goal judge (we all know who you are, BisonPete) not being at his post. He should have been sent to the penalty box for “delay of game”. Never mind he joined the party soon after and the game restarted in a lively fashion. An all Canadian altercation between Nick Poole and Lumberjack Joe Rand resulted in Nick being nicked for interference. As he languished in the box he saw his team very nearly score a short handed goal, but as the puck slid across the blue paint inches from the red line, there was Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds picking it up, cool as a cucumber, and snuffing out the danger.

Immediately afterwards Cuddly Joe Greener fell foul of the law once more and found himself in solitary for tripping. Having emerged from the house of correction a reformed character (that might be an exaggeration), he found himself on the MK blue line with everyone else up ice and Bison in possession of the puck. However, due to the traffic in front of him Lumberjack Joe was not able to deliver a telling pass. Instead he skated forward to find clear ice and sent a cross ice pass to Cuddly Joe, who steamed in on Mettam’s goal and hammered the puck towards the 5-hole. Had the Lightning netman possessed Hobbit sized feet, he might have been able to stop the shot, but he is no Bilbo Baggins and his feet are more akin in size to those of Gollum. Joe smashed the puck through the isosceles triangle that was Mettam’s 5-hole. 3-0 to Bison. Doug Sheppard with the further assist.

In the 28^th minute Bison surged further ahead. Greg “the Specs” Owen robbed the puck back on the forecheck enabling Greg “Chubbs” Chambers to deliver a perfect pass from the boards to Lumberjack Joe Rand unmarked in the slot. Joe hammered home for 4-0.

Bison’s chance of a second successive home shut out so nearly bit the dust 3 minutes into the 3^rd. Slovenian marksman, Blaz Emersic, formerly of the wonderfully named Rio Grande Killer Bees (yes really) found himself in on goal and, with some very clever stick handling, managed to beat Stonewall Stevie with a back hander. However, the net was adjudged to have moved off its moorings before the puck crossed the line as Emersic shoved a floored Lyle backwards onto the post and the goal was chalked off, much to the chagrin of the Lightning players, who argued their case with Evans the Whistle but to no avail.

Things then went from bad to worse for MK 2 minutes later as Bison bagged a 5^th. Once again we were treated to a piece of artistry from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers. Skating across goal from the left he looked likely to shoot but stayed his hand, drew the goaltender wide and passed back across the face of goal for Greg “the Specs” Owen. The goaltender seemed to be saying “There you go, Greg. I’ll leave you a nice wide gap between me and the post for you to shoot into. You deserve a goal”. Greg accepted the kind offer. His shot hurtled past the hapless netman faster than Rosa “Zazel” Richter in full flight. Who? Go on Google her –she was the first human cannon ball in 1877. It was a third assist of the game for Chubbs, who now has 9 points in 5 games (critics take note). The further assist went to Cam “Popeye” Wynn, who was enjoying a lot of ice time in the 3^rd due to the non appearance of Lumberjack Joe after a knock in the 2^nd. Well done Cam. Get well soon Joe.

Stonewall Stevie continued his quest for a shutout with some excellent goaltending. Brittle was in on Lyle, but Lyle proved not to be brittle and saved with his stick. Then Zatopeck shot from the blueline, but Stevie was not required to keep the puck out this time as it flew high into the netting above the glass. It looked like Zatopeck was shooting for the moon. “Come Fly With Me” blared from the rink speakers – coincidence?

As the clock ticked down someone had the audacity to “mess with the Tank”. Man mountain Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik received a high stick in the face from Leigh Jamieson. Blood was spilled, but there was no penalty at all, even though the officials were clearly aware of the bodily fluid on the ice as stewards Chris and Nasher were called on to remove the corpuscular material before play could be restarted.

Another splendid home win for Bison and a shutout and Man of the Match award for Stonewall Stevie Lyle, who has now gone 8 periods on home ice without having his defences breached and now boasts an amazing save percentage of .975 for the season. Goodness gracious and Cymru am Byth.