Manchester Mess

Bison 3 Manchester Phoenix 1

20/10/12

Anyone out there educated at Eton or Lancing College? I thought not. We, the Bison faithful, are good solid members of the proletariat or “plebs” as a prominent Tory politician might call us. So no-one will know the difference between an “Eton Mess” and a “Lancing Mess”. Maybe only Cake Lady. Well we saw neither of those scrumptious desserts at Planet Ice last night (not the sort of thing you can buy at the food bar), but we did sample a mess of a totally different variety – a Manchester Phoenix Mess. Gifting Bison two goals in the first period through blueline blunders, they never recovered and ended up yielding their EPL top spot to Bison.

It took Bison only a couple of minutes to open the scoring. Cuddly Joe Greener shot from the left wing. The puck deflected high into the air straight to Lumberjack Joe Rand without a Phoenix player near him. He brought the puck down, deked, feinted to shoot on the forehand and then as Fone flattened to the ice he dragged the puck back to find a gap between goalie and post as wide as a yawning hippopotamus. He slid in a backhander. Neatly done. In unison the Bison crowd leapt to their feet with arms victoriously raised aloft like a badly co-ordinated Mexican wave. They would have gladly hoisted a flag up a flagpole in celebration, but neither could be found.

When Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was sent to the slammer for tripping Bison found themselves defending the first power play of the game. This they did admirably denying Phoenix a single shot on goal. During the power play Tom Duggan bounced off the man mountain that is Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik and fell to the ice like a sack of King Edwards. Didn’t anyone tell him you don’t mess with the Tank?

Bison surged further ahead in the 12^th minute thanks to a woeful defensive error, which in the context of the game, was as undesirable for the Phoenix team as the scrapings from an offal butcher’s apron. The perpetrator of the misdemeanour was Ondrej Pozivil. His attempted pass out from the Phoenix D was topped, sending the puck slowly but invitingly straight to a lurking Lumberjack Joe Rand. Joe rifled the puck square to Coach Sheppard, who 5-holed the hapless Steve Fone. The unfortunate goaltender must have wished that he could be transported to a parallel universe where Phoenix have a better defense – both Bison goals had been avoidable.

Before the period ended there were three further incidents of note. Firstly a clash of sticks at a face off resulted in Joachim Flaten’s stick spinning high into the air, much to the amusement of the Man with 3 Earrings. “High sticks”, shouted the Bespectacled Youth optimistically. Secondly, Tomas the Tank managed to flatten Flaten with a massive hit. There seemed something rather unsporting about the hit, taking into account the difference in size of the two players (Flaten is a mere dwarf at 6’ and weighs 70lbs less than Fojtik), but what the hell – all’s fair in hockey and war. Finally, Greg “Chubbs” Chambers’s pass to Shoeless Joe Miller was poorly directed, but Joe managed to kick the puck back into the path of Chubbs – the classic one-two. A shout of “Who needs Lionel Messi?” was heard in Block C.

The 2^nd period started with another massive hit, this one by Carl “Scooter” Graham on Tom Duggan, followed almost immediately by a goal for the Phoenix. Bison were uncharacteristically caught on the hop and with their trousers down (OK I admit it’s rather difficult to hop with your trousers down). Richard Bentham squared for Bison old boy, Long Ciaron Long, all alone in front of goal. He foxed Stonewall Stevie Lyle in the Bison goal and slotted home to make it a one goal game at 2-1.

3 minutes later Bison came within a Rizla fag paper’s width of restoring their 2 goal lead, this time courtesy of the Gangster Line led by Tosh “The Godfather” Redmond. A strong forecheck by Jacob “Pretty Boy” Heron (a nickname officially approved by the man himself by the way) saw the puck squirt into the path of Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. He raced forward with such pace it looked like he was trying to get away from the FBI. He hammered in a slap shot. Fone thought he had saved it, but, as confirmed to me by Duracell Man, the puck went through him (not literally of course) and sizzled agonisingly towards the goal line before a Phoenix stick swept it clear. Bad luck Andy. This incident was immediately followed by a bundle in front of the Phoenix net with players of both sides pushing, shoving, nudging, jostling, bumping and jolting each other whilst slashing, stabbing, jabbing, prodding, poking, whacking and thwacking at the puck as it sat elusively in the blue paint. The Bison players and indeed a number of close observers in the crowd were convinced the puck had crossed the line including Kujo and Dibble. There were no opinions from Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert and Grubb, none of whom were at the game. (Go on Google the Trumpton firemen). Honest Pete, the goal judge, and the referee were not sure and couldn’t give the goal. 

Bison did restore their 2 goal advantage a couple of minutes later. With Long Ciaron Long having his freedom supressed for tripping, Bison came on strong on the power play hammering in 3 shots in the first 9 seconds, including 2 slap shots from Fojtik, all of which Fone saved. He could not, however, stop Coach Sheppard’s shot after 18 seconds of the power play. Set up by Greg “The Specs” Owen and Cuddly Joe Greener, Maple Leaf Doug hammered in a shot which Fone got a piece of but couldn’t stop. As the puck fizzed across the line for 3-1 Bison, such a barrage of noise erupted from the crowd that it wouldn’t surprise me if the emergency chemists in Basingstoke had a run on throat gargle later in the evening.

There was no further scoring in the 2^nd, but Pheonix surged forward from the start of the 3^rd in an attempt to salvage something from the game. Things were getting hot for Stevie Lyle in the Bison net. In fact, it couldn’t have been hotter than if he’d been clamped between the plates of a George Foreman toasted sandwich maker on full power. But Stevie lived up to his nickname of Stonewall and shut the icemen from Manchester out with a series of fine saves, blocks and catches. Try as they might, they couldn’t breach the Bison defences, despite significantly outshooting their hosts in the period. Bison also had their chances, in particular when “Machine Gun” Melachrino was in on goal again and shot, but saw Fone swallow the puck and then with Fone stranded behind the goal a risky pass across the empty net from one of his teammates just eluded Lumberjack Joe Rand as he lurked threateningly. Bison held firm and the game ended 3-1.

Man of the match for Bison was Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik with another fine performance on the blueline. For a man of his size (massive), he is nimble on his feet and has good positional sense, reads the game well, hits ferociously and distributes the puck well from the defensive zone. He may not be a goalscoring blueliner in the mould of Mindy Keiras and Marcel Petran, but he does his principal job superbly, as shown by Bison’s miserly goals against record since he has been here. An unsung hero well rewarded on the night.