Owen and Chambers Terrify the Phantoms

Bison 5 Peterborough Phantoms 1

26/1/13

The game was played on the night after Burns Night and, had Robbie Burns had been amongst the crowd at Planet Ice last night, he might have likened the all-conquering, table topping Bison team to a haggis – that great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race (go on Google “Address to a Haggis” – I wonder if Tosh Redmond can recite it). Bison’s 2^nd period performance was certainly worthy of such a high accolade. What about the Peterborough Phantoms? Sad to say that in contrast their performance was more akin to a stone cold Pukka Pie with soggy pastry and a nondescript filling of mushy steak and kidney with no discernible kidney……or steak come to think of it. Robbie Burns, who died in 1796, long before Pukka pies were invented, would no doubt have been thankful that he never had to ingest a cold Pukka pie. Bison hero of the night was once again Greg “The Specs” Owen, who hammered a 2^nd period hat-trick to put the result beyond doubt.

The first period was a rather tepid affair and, despite firing in 14 shots on the Phantoms’ net, Bison couldn’t find the gaps around Damien King. However, in the 2^nd it was a different story. It was as if Bison had activated the “clinical finishing” button as they stuffed no fewer than 5 goals past a despairing King and by the end of the period it was not a case of “Good morning Vietnam”, but more one of “Goodnight Vienna”.

Goal no.1 was scored on 21 minutes. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers delivered a superb defense splitting long pass to his Bison namesake and soulmate Greg “The Specs” Owen. As the latter bore down on goal, goaltender King must have wished he was a puffer fish and able to inflate to fill the goal. Alas he was not. Owen feinted to shoot to the goaltender’s left, then dragged the puck back and delivered a backhander into the wide open space between goaltender and post which he had created with his clever deke. In celebration of the goal the Bison faithful immediately turned into a bunch of noisy, raving hooligans. If they had behaved this way in a shopping centre, they would have been issued with ASBOs for sure. 

Owen doubled his tally 3 minutes later with a back door tap in at the end of a tic-tac-toe move. “Chubbs” fired a cross ice pass to Shoeless Joe Miller. Instead of having a crack himself, Joe rifled a pass to Greg “The Specs” at the other post to tap in with a smart snap shot. As the puck flew past him and into the net the goaltender looked as shocked as if he had seen Jacob Marley’s ghost complete with clanking chains. (Not a Dickens reader? You’ll have to Google “Marley’s ghost” then).

On 26 minutes Bison stormed into a 3-0 lead with one of the best goals you are ever likely to see. The scorer was Jaroslav Cesky, the Bouncing Czech. It started in the Bison defensive zone. Phanotms D-man, Tom Norton, broke his stick whilst attempting a slap shot. The puck broke loose to Jaro who poked it forward over his own blue line then gave chase. He didn’t hang about, hang fire or let it all hang out. It was not the time to hang back, hang on, hang loose or let things hang in the balance. The goaltender had been hung out to dry, but he was determined to hang tough and hang on in there rather than hang up his skates or even hang himself. Jaro scored with an almost identical deke as Greg “The Specs” had employed, feinting to go right, then dragging back and sliding in the puck left. Hang it all - a truly wonderful unassisted goal. A pity you couldn’t frame it and hang it on the wall.

Tom Norton took possession of a new stick and was adjudged to have used it illegally just a couple of minutes later. A hooking call condemned him to spend 2 minutes in solitary, a sentence which was reduced, not for good behaviour, but because Bison scored on the power play. A long pass from the right wing by Cesky found Coach Sheppard in space in the slot with no Phantom to scare him. His movement was brisk, lively, rapid and urgent, not apathetic, dilatory, lethargic or ponderous. In other words he charged forward bloody quick. As deked and shaped to shoot, a close observer, namely Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical), was busy calculating the mathematical probability of a goal, taking into account (a) the angles between the lines of shots to the near post and the far post and a line drawn perpendicular to the goal line, (b) the distances to the aforementioned objects calculated using sines and cosines and (c) the velocity of the forthcoming shot. Did she have time to finish the mental processes necessary to apply the formulae and calculate the answer before Maple Leaf Doug decided how he was going to beat the goaltender? Of course she did. As Maple Leaf Doug lifted his backhander through the pipes, the Bison faithful piped up with a roar of approval louder than the loudest organ pipe in Westminster Abbey as if to say to the doubters, “put that in your pipe and smoke it.” Bison’s home form is piping hot at present. Surely there were more goals in the pipeline and it was the Phantoms’ D who would have to pay the piper.

Doubtless hedging his bets up to this point, Mystic Matthew now confidently predicted a Bison win. The Man with 3 Ear-rings said “It would be nice to have a shut out”, whereupon the Man whose Charlestown Chiefs shirt is in the wash glared at him and correctly surmised that, now he had said it, it wouldn’t happen. And it didn’t. Never mind.

Bison romped further ahead on 36 minutes as Greg “The Specs” completed his hat-trick. Set up by Miller and Chambers, Owen dragged the puck from behind the goal line and was one on one with the hapless netman. Was the latter confident of making the save or did he have a sense of foreboding? Only he will know. In the end it didn’t really matter how he felt because Greg “The Specs” scored anyway. 5-0 Bison. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, hadn’t had so much fun since he parachuted out of a helicopter with her Majesty the Queen at the London Olympics opening ceremony. (You didn’t really think it was Daniel Craig who made the jump, did you?)

The final period saw both goalies changed with Dan Lane taking to the ice for the whole of the third period and Connor Standing standing in for the last 10 minutes.

With 10 minutes remaining there broke out a malevolent affair of the most violent variety as Scotsman, Nicky “You What?” Watt, obviously wishing to celebrate Burns night in typical fashion for him, launched an assault on Greg Pick, who had unwisely slashed Jaro Cesky. The encounter proved to be a robust and indeed physical affair. Watty proved to be no “timorous beastie”, as Robbie Burns may have put it, as he pummelled Pick into submission. Into the box went the two pugilists for a 2+2 cool off.

The Phantoms rounded off the scoring in the 54^th minute with a James Ferrara slap shot goal to make it 5-1, the puck creeping under the right pad of Connor Standing and rebounding out of the goal to the confusion of many, but a goal it was. Assists went to Ondrej Lauko and Tom Norton.

Tom Carlon and Greg Owen picked up the Man of the Match awards (some beers rather than a haggis each) on a night when, for the third successive Saturday, Bison leapfrogged over the Guildford Flames to the top of the EPL. I am sure Robbie Burns would have approved.

Battling Phoenix Go Down in Flames

Bison 3 Manchester Phoenix 1

19/1/13

For the second Saturday in a row Bison leapfrogged over the Guildford Flames to the top of the EPL and the Manchester Phoenix played their part on both occasions. Last week, as Bison were eclipsing the Slough Jets by 4-1, Phoenix pulled down Flames’ trousers and gave them a jolly good spanking by 6-1. Last night with Guildford having a night off, Bison overcame a strong and spirited challenge from Phoenix to reclaim top banana spot and send their fans home with a warm glow inside or at least those fans who had consumed Pukka pies.

The game started in lively fashion, especially for new Bison signing, Nicky “You What?” Watt. At the start of his first shift he delivered a massive forechecking hit and then immediately broke forward with the puck, which had fortuitously fallen into his path, deked and shot, but just wide of the mark. 2 minutes later he was in the box for hooking. During the resultant power play a scramble in front of goal resulted in the net coming adrift. Referee Cloutman’s whistle blew well before a long range wrist shot ended up in the net, so no goal.

On 11 minutes a defensive blunder, as cataclysmic a disaster as the fall of Rome (OK I’m exaggerating a bit), let in Shoeless Joe Miller. As Joe bore down on goal, the Phoenix fans must have been wishing that their goaltender, Steve Fone, was the size of Mr. Blobby, so that he could have provided a more formidable obstacle in the goal. But let’s face it who would want Mr. Blobby as their goaltender – think of your team’s credibility. In the end it mattered not a jot as Joe’s shot struck the bar.

Phoenix were putting together some smart moves and the pressure finally paid off with 15 minutes on the clock. Michal Psurny held the puck behind the Bison goal line and then fired it to Luke Boothroyd lurking just goal side of the blueline. He raised his stick high above his shoulders and brought it down in a sweeping arc to hit the ice just as the puck arrived. The stick bent and immediately restaightened (OK I couldn’t actually see that from Block C) and sent the puck hurtling goalwards at incredible speed. Stonewall Stevie Lyle in the Bison net must have thought “I don’t want to be here”. But the matter was neither here nor there, as here, or rather there, was where he was, albeit that he might just as well have been not here nor there nor, in fact, anywhere because he couldn’t prevent the puck from finding the net. In fact, he probably never even saw it, so much of a humdinger was the shot. It was a spectacular goal and the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt felt moved to congratulate Boothroyd on his goal in the interval, but he warned the Phoenix D-man not to score any more. The warning was obviously heeded as he didn’t.

Shortly after we were treated to some nifty footwork from Bison old boy Liam Chong. He emerged from a centre ice challenge without his stick, but moving forward with the puck at his feet. He had no option but to dribble on and actually managed set a team mate for a shot. It was wonderful stuff from Liam – good to see him back to full fitness and back at Planet Ice once more. 

Two second period Bison goals and one in the 3^rd upset the apple cart and made the Phoenix challenge go pear shaped. Coach Sheppard and Cuddly Joe Greener proved they were no lemons as they squeezed the juice out of the visitors to set each other up with plum opportunities and turn Phoenix faces as red as tomatoes. Shep’s goal was the bread and butter equaliser, Cuddly Joe’s provided the icing on the cake and Shoeless Joe Miller the cherry on top with his 3^rd period strike. Bison, with a feast of goals, were having their cake and eating it. 

The equaliser on 35 minutes saw Greg “The Specs” Owen exit from the dungeon of incarceration that is the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box and immediately get back into the thick of the action, making a thorough nuisance of himself. Some first rate never say die scrapping for the puck behind the goal line helped Cuddly Joe Greener set Coach Sheppard on his way. Maple Leaf Doug passed behind the goal and then circled out in front with no-one challenging him. He picked his spot and drove in an unstoppable wrist shot which sneaked under Steve Fone’s arm  blocker side (so the Bespectacled Youth observed), for 1-1. Some of the spectators immediately texted, tweeted or Facebook messaged the good news to their friends and family. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, relayed the score back to his controllers using the transmitter concealed in his bow tie, but no one noticed. Look I told you last week this man really exists. OK?

Bison took the lead in the 38^th minute, taking advantage of a 5 on 3 power play with both Ondrej Pozivil and Michal Psurny banged up, the latter rather luckily for only a 2 minute minor, as his high stick gashed Lumberjack Joe Rand's tongue, enabling him to "speak with forked tongue". With only a solitary second left on the 5 on 3 (you can’t cut it much finer than that), Cuddly Joe Greener shovelled in the puck at the back post from a pass by Coach Sheppard. It appeared to deflect off Fone’s pad as it looped over the leg of the hapless netman and plopped back down onto the ice netside. 2-1 Bison. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers with the second assist.

The final period saw a much livelier Bison, undoubtedly galvanised by their two 2^nd period goals, but Phoenix were by no means out of it. Tony Hand, their legendary player/coach, seemed to be constantly on the ice as he continued to urge his team forwards. It was truly end to end stuff. Bari McKenzie found himself between a rock and a hard place in the 50^th minute when a bit of push and shove in front of the Bison net found him playing the part of the filling in a Greener/Watt sandwich. It could have been fatal for the fellow, but thankfully it wasn’t.

On 53 minutes Bison surged into a game winning 3-1 lead. An interchange between Alex Symonds and the Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky, set Shoeless Joe Miller racing across the face of goal to put himself in on Fone. As Joe bore down on goal, the Phoenix goaltender must have appeared as formidable an obstruction in his goal as Big Sue, the subject of Lucien Freud’s painting “Benefits Supervisor Asleep” (Google that, but be prepared for a shock). However with some clever deking he made Steve look as effective at goal blocking as one of L.S. Lowry’s matchstick men, as he backhanded the puck over the line. If there were any members of the aristocracy present (unlikely) they may have described the goal as spiffing, spanking, top drawer, bonzer, wizard or capital. What ho? To the rest of us it was just a bloody good goal.

The clock ticked down to the final buzzer with no more goals but with much goalmouth action. It had been a pulsating game with much to be admired from two of the top EPL teams. Phoenix must be sick of the sight of Bison with a 0-5 record against them this season. Tom Duggan was their top banana, Shoeless Joe Miller Bison’s.

Bison Jet Back to Top Spot

Bison 4 Slough Jets 1

12/1/13

With news of a catastrophic Guildford Flames defeat by 6-1 at the hands of the Manchester Phoenix, the mood at Planet Ice last night was one of deep joy, as Stanley Unwin might have described it. Bison had reclaimed top spot in the EPL with a stick it to the man win over the Slough Jets.

The Jets proved to be spirited opponents and had clearly not come to just make up the numbers. In fact, they took the lead in the 4^th minute when a clever interchange between James Hutchinson and Aaron Connolly set up Michael Wales all alone near the point. He had only Stonewall Stevie Lyle to beat – easier said than done, but he did so, sending a wicked wrist shot over Lyle’s shoulder and into the net via the bar. Brilliance was followed by comedy, for, as Mr. Wales skated along the boards with arms aloft to celebrate the goal his legs went from under him and he fell flat on his face. If one had to use aircraft analogies the goal had the power and grace of Concorde, but the celebration was more akin to Blériot’s monoplane.

Despite some fast flowing play from both teams and numerous chances, not to mention a few heart stopping scrambles in front of the net, the score remained at 0-1 at the period’s termination. Flash Harry, a hockey virgin sitting in Block C was impressed with the form of Stonewall Stevie Lyle. “Your goalie has kept you in it”, he said. By the end of the game he was referring to Bison as “we”. A convert?

Within 3 minutes of the start of the 2^nd Bison were level with a goal not too dissimilar from the first. This time it was Coach Sheppard and Cuddly Joe Greener doing the spadework and Bison skipper, Tony “Tosh” Redmond, steaming in faster than the 9.45 to Waterloo to fire in an unstoppable wrist shot from virtually the identical spot from which Wales had scored. The Bison faithful must have been relieved as it was clear from conversations in the interval that they thought their team needed to step up their game or all would be lost. Step it up they had. It was lucky that the crowd did not stamp their feet in rhythmic unison to celebrate the goal or we could have had a Tacoma Narrows Bridge style collapse of Planet Ice. If you’ve never seen the footage, Youtube it and then ask Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical) to write you out the formulae for resonant frequency and aeroelastic flutter (bet she can).

The Jets had a chance to retake the lead only a minute later when Deadly Darius Pliskauskas, the lethal Lithuanian, found himself with a point blank back door opportunity. He couldn’t miss. Planting the puck in the net seemed easier than hitting an elephant at 5 paces. But actually it wasn’t because……….he missed. And that miss proved costly as it ensured that Bison retained the momentum, continued to press and managed to take the lead for the first time in the game on 33 minutes. The highly tattooed Alex Symonds fed ex Jets player, Cuddly Joe Greener, who clearly believes that the grass is greener on the other side, and he set up Coach Sheppard in front of the net. Maple Leaf Doug drove in a forehand shot, which deflected off the goaltender’s stick and into the net. 2-1 Bison. As Joe’s brother, Adam, still with the Jets, came off the ice, the Bespectacled Youth, a close observer of Greener’s failure to prevent the goal, offered a sympathetic “Unlucky, Adam. You tried your best.” The elder and heavier, but shorter and less skilful of the two Greener brothers took exception to the remark and uttered an unprintable expletive at the Youth, pointing directly at him to indicate that his card was marked. Clearly the no swearing rule doesn't apply to players.

The period finally ended and it had been an excellent period of hockey with both teams coming very close on a number of occasions. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt remarked that he had never seen so many blue paint scrambles. The Rabble Rouser of Block A described how a Mindy Kieras shot had seemed to hit both posts and the bar before dropping into the crease. It had been a frantic period full of OOOs and Ahs from the crowd. The Man from MI5 observing incognito from Block C needed a drink to calm his nerves, but alas the Planet Ice refreshments counter could not serve him a Martini (shaken not stirred). You think I’ve made this bloke up, don’t you? Rest assured he really exists, but obviously I can’t reveal his identity. If I did, he might stab me with his poison tipped umbrella.

And so into the 3^rd we went. The next score was going to be crucial. Much to the delight of the Bison crowd it was their team who bagged it to propel Bison into a 3-1 lead only a minute into the period. Shoeless Joe Miller fed Greg “Chubbs” Chambers. Chubbs found the other Greg, Greg “The Specs” Owen, who deked Greg Rockman in the Jets’ net (we had Gregs coming out of our ears) and attempted a backhander which Rockman saved. But the rebound fell to Greg “The Specs” for a second attempt. Had he possessed the physical form of Pavarotti, Rockman would have had a chance of blocking the goal completely. But he did not. (Neither could he sing operatic tenor. At least I don’t think he can, but then I have never heard him burst into song during a game). Rockman was down, but not quite out, as he provided a formidable block at low level, forcing Greg “The Specs” to lift the puck over his prostrate form and high into the net whilst falling to the ice himself. Spec-tacular stuff for sure.

Bison were now in the ascendancy and it took only another 4 minutes for them to capitalise with their 4^th goal of the game. If it were possible to award 2 assist points for a goal, then Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky deserved them for his involvement in this one. Receiving the puck from Zach Sullivan, he cut in on goal. He moved forward with the grace of Margot Fonteyn, the speed of Usain Bolt, the manual dexterity of Andrés Segovia and the determination of Phil “The Power” Taylor to hit a treble 20. His quicksilver movement outstripped the leaden legged Jets D. Bison’s mercurial golden boy had created for himself a chrome plated opportunity with brass knobs on thanks to his iron resolve. He steeled himself for the shot and fired one in. Rockman saved it, but Jaro picked up the rebounded puck, carried it around the back of the goal and emerged at the back door. He rifled an across the crease pass to a lurking Coach Sheppard and Maple Leaf Doug buried the chance for his second of the game and 4-1 Bison. 

Could the shell shocked Jets come back from this? With Bison on top of their game and growing in confidence all the time, surely there was more chance of the Howling Man, who incidentally had an uncharacteristically quiet game, swimming the Channel, climbing Everest and journeying to the centre of the earth all in the same afternoon. And so it proved. The score remained at 4-1 and there was no comeback. Bison had snatched back the EPL top spot.