Owen and Chambers Terrify the Phantoms

Bison 5 Peterborough Phantoms 1

26/1/13

The game was played on the night after Burns Night and, had Robbie Burns had been amongst the crowd at Planet Ice last night, he might have likened the all-conquering, table topping Bison team to a haggis – that great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race (go on Google “Address to a Haggis” – I wonder if Tosh Redmond can recite it). Bison’s 2^nd period performance was certainly worthy of such a high accolade. What about the Peterborough Phantoms? Sad to say that in contrast their performance was more akin to a stone cold Pukka Pie with soggy pastry and a nondescript filling of mushy steak and kidney with no discernible kidney……or steak come to think of it. Robbie Burns, who died in 1796, long before Pukka pies were invented, would no doubt have been thankful that he never had to ingest a cold Pukka pie. Bison hero of the night was once again Greg “The Specs” Owen, who hammered a 2^nd period hat-trick to put the result beyond doubt.

The first period was a rather tepid affair and, despite firing in 14 shots on the Phantoms’ net, Bison couldn’t find the gaps around Damien King. However, in the 2^nd it was a different story. It was as if Bison had activated the “clinical finishing” button as they stuffed no fewer than 5 goals past a despairing King and by the end of the period it was not a case of “Good morning Vietnam”, but more one of “Goodnight Vienna”.

Goal no.1 was scored on 21 minutes. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers delivered a superb defense splitting long pass to his Bison namesake and soulmate Greg “The Specs” Owen. As the latter bore down on goal, goaltender King must have wished he was a puffer fish and able to inflate to fill the goal. Alas he was not. Owen feinted to shoot to the goaltender’s left, then dragged the puck back and delivered a backhander into the wide open space between goaltender and post which he had created with his clever deke. In celebration of the goal the Bison faithful immediately turned into a bunch of noisy, raving hooligans. If they had behaved this way in a shopping centre, they would have been issued with ASBOs for sure. 

Owen doubled his tally 3 minutes later with a back door tap in at the end of a tic-tac-toe move. “Chubbs” fired a cross ice pass to Shoeless Joe Miller. Instead of having a crack himself, Joe rifled a pass to Greg “The Specs” at the other post to tap in with a smart snap shot. As the puck flew past him and into the net the goaltender looked as shocked as if he had seen Jacob Marley’s ghost complete with clanking chains. (Not a Dickens reader? You’ll have to Google “Marley’s ghost” then).

On 26 minutes Bison stormed into a 3-0 lead with one of the best goals you are ever likely to see. The scorer was Jaroslav Cesky, the Bouncing Czech. It started in the Bison defensive zone. Phanotms D-man, Tom Norton, broke his stick whilst attempting a slap shot. The puck broke loose to Jaro who poked it forward over his own blue line then gave chase. He didn’t hang about, hang fire or let it all hang out. It was not the time to hang back, hang on, hang loose or let things hang in the balance. The goaltender had been hung out to dry, but he was determined to hang tough and hang on in there rather than hang up his skates or even hang himself. Jaro scored with an almost identical deke as Greg “The Specs” had employed, feinting to go right, then dragging back and sliding in the puck left. Hang it all - a truly wonderful unassisted goal. A pity you couldn’t frame it and hang it on the wall.

Tom Norton took possession of a new stick and was adjudged to have used it illegally just a couple of minutes later. A hooking call condemned him to spend 2 minutes in solitary, a sentence which was reduced, not for good behaviour, but because Bison scored on the power play. A long pass from the right wing by Cesky found Coach Sheppard in space in the slot with no Phantom to scare him. His movement was brisk, lively, rapid and urgent, not apathetic, dilatory, lethargic or ponderous. In other words he charged forward bloody quick. As deked and shaped to shoot, a close observer, namely Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical), was busy calculating the mathematical probability of a goal, taking into account (a) the angles between the lines of shots to the near post and the far post and a line drawn perpendicular to the goal line, (b) the distances to the aforementioned objects calculated using sines and cosines and (c) the velocity of the forthcoming shot. Did she have time to finish the mental processes necessary to apply the formulae and calculate the answer before Maple Leaf Doug decided how he was going to beat the goaltender? Of course she did. As Maple Leaf Doug lifted his backhander through the pipes, the Bison faithful piped up with a roar of approval louder than the loudest organ pipe in Westminster Abbey as if to say to the doubters, “put that in your pipe and smoke it.” Bison’s home form is piping hot at present. Surely there were more goals in the pipeline and it was the Phantoms’ D who would have to pay the piper.

Doubtless hedging his bets up to this point, Mystic Matthew now confidently predicted a Bison win. The Man with 3 Ear-rings said “It would be nice to have a shut out”, whereupon the Man whose Charlestown Chiefs shirt is in the wash glared at him and correctly surmised that, now he had said it, it wouldn’t happen. And it didn’t. Never mind.

Bison romped further ahead on 36 minutes as Greg “The Specs” completed his hat-trick. Set up by Miller and Chambers, Owen dragged the puck from behind the goal line and was one on one with the hapless netman. Was the latter confident of making the save or did he have a sense of foreboding? Only he will know. In the end it didn’t really matter how he felt because Greg “The Specs” scored anyway. 5-0 Bison. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, hadn’t had so much fun since he parachuted out of a helicopter with her Majesty the Queen at the London Olympics opening ceremony. (You didn’t really think it was Daniel Craig who made the jump, did you?)

The final period saw both goalies changed with Dan Lane taking to the ice for the whole of the third period and Connor Standing standing in for the last 10 minutes.

With 10 minutes remaining there broke out a malevolent affair of the most violent variety as Scotsman, Nicky “You What?” Watt, obviously wishing to celebrate Burns night in typical fashion for him, launched an assault on Greg Pick, who had unwisely slashed Jaro Cesky. The encounter proved to be a robust and indeed physical affair. Watty proved to be no “timorous beastie”, as Robbie Burns may have put it, as he pummelled Pick into submission. Into the box went the two pugilists for a 2+2 cool off.

The Phantoms rounded off the scoring in the 54^th minute with a James Ferrara slap shot goal to make it 5-1, the puck creeping under the right pad of Connor Standing and rebounding out of the goal to the confusion of many, but a goal it was. Assists went to Ondrej Lauko and Tom Norton.

Tom Carlon and Greg Owen picked up the Man of the Match awards (some beers rather than a haggis each) on a night when, for the third successive Saturday, Bison leapfrogged over the Guildford Flames to the top of the EPL. I am sure Robbie Burns would have approved.