Popeye Wynn Steals Shep’s Hat-trick Thunder

Bison 6 Swindon Wildcats 3

24/3/13

Shoeless Joe Miller grabbed a brace and Coach Doug Sheppard a hat-trick, but hero of the night was 18 year old Cameron “Popeye” Wynn with his first goal of the season. It was met by an eruption of enthusiasm from the Bison faithful and players so vociferous that the very rivets of the steel girders of Planet Ice were shaken loose. Cam also bagged the Man of the Match award – a crate of beer which he is now legally entitled to drink. With the Bracknell Bees also winning their last home game, Bison’s victory means they will face Wildcats twice next weekend to decide who makes the trip to Coventry for the EPL playoffs.

The 1^st period was all Bison. It looked like only one team had turned up as the home team,  outshooting their guests by 14 to 1, stormed into a 3-0 lead. The first was chalked up on 5 minutes. Set up by Carl “Scooter” Graham and Lumberjack Joe Rand, Shoeless Joe Miller sent in what looked nothing more innocuous than a speculative lobbed wrist shot. Alas goaltender and Bison old boy Dean Skinns failed to pick it and the puck plopped into the net blocker side. Had there been any members of the aristocracy amongst the Wildcats contingent they might have described the goal as “perfectly beastly” because, from Deano’s perspective, that was what it was.

Shortly after something upset the Howling Man. It was not obvious what that was, but he proceeded to deliver his considered opinion with a torrent of incomprehensible protestation whilst pointing in the general direction of the Bison net. During the tirade his vocal chords tightened up and his voice shot up an octave. It all came to nothing as usual. How dull would our Block C season have been without Howling man’s rants.

On 10 minutes it was 2-0 Bison. Another Bison old boy, Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik aka “The Tank” turned over possession of the puck to Coach Sheppard, who had Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky, in support. Their movement towards goal could hardly be described as apathetic, torpid, indolent, phlegmatic or lethargic. No they didn’t behave like a pair of sluggards, but did indeed hastened forward with tempo, momentum, rapidity, vivacity and velocity. In a hurry you might say. An interchange between the two ended with Maple Leaf Doug firing under Skinns’s left pad before he could slam it to the ice in butterfly. Another perfectly beastly goal for Deano to let in.

A minute later Cuddly Joe Greener was in on goal, but was stopped from scoring by a Jonas Höög hook. “Penalty shot” shouted some members of the crowd, but referee Matthews rejoiced in a contrary opinion and he felt that a 2 minute minor for Höög was sufficient punishment. Bison didn’t need the award of a penalty shot for, with only 10 seconds of the power play unexpired, they scored. The Cats found themselves wide open at the back as Cesky and Greener set up Miller in the slot. Shoeless Joe fired in past the covering D-man through Skinns’s 5-hole. Deano sure was having a perfectly beastly night.

Then someone flicked a switch and out came a totally different Wildcats team for the 2^nd period. It was as if the team who had played in the 1^st had been left in the locker room and a new one had iced in the 2^nd. Of course that’s nonsense as the spatially challenged visitors’ locker rooms just wouldn’t have comfortably accommodated 30-odd players, nor even 30 odd players. Matching Bison shot for shot they clawed back from 0-3 to 2-3, but rather spoiled it all by conceding a goal with only 30 seconds of the period remaining. Their first goal came on 21 minutes with only their on target second shot of the game. With Greg “Chubbs” Chambers sent down the steps for a rather obvious holding offense, the ever dangerous Aaron Nell found the net with a long range wrist shot. Höög and Matias Perkkio assisted. Then on 38 minutes Ryan Aldridge set up Perkkio with a diagonal pass from the right wing and the fickle Cats faithful fans saw their fabled Finnish forward firmly and faultlessly finish with finesse and fortitude. Eh? He scored. In between times Cameron “Popeye” Wynn had so nearly opened his account. A 2 on 1 breakaway with Miller ended with Popeye’s shot being saved. After the Cats’ second goal, Popeye had another chance. Sweeping majestically across the ice like Jayne Torvil (maybe we ought to say Christopher Dean on second thoughts) Cam shot, but on this occasion Skinns was not skinned and produced another save. Was Cam ever going to score? Of course he was – see below.

With only 30 seconds of the period remaining Miller forced a turnover and set Rand and Wynn away in a 2 on 1. Lumberjack Joe delayed and delayed and delayed and delayed until he had forced Skinns to commit totally and then he arrowed the perfect pass to Popeye at the back door. The goaltender had left a gap between himself and the post, almost as wide as the gap between Terry Thomas’s front teeth. Through that gap Cam hammered the puck. His finish was composed and cool headed, calm and canny, considered and calculated. The illumination of the goal light was the signal for an explosion of joyous jubilation in the Bison blocks as the assembled vociferated their approbation with exclamations of ecstatic glee, euphoric felicity and blissful elation, elevating them to a place characterized by oblivion to pain, worry and anguish. They had reached an unprecedented level of nirvana. And so we presume had Cam – what a night for him. And with that Bison went in at the buzzer 4-2 ahead.

Bison were presented with an early power play opportunity in the 3^rd. With Paul Swindlehurst behind bars Bison took full advantage. Greg “The Specs” Owen set up Cesky, whose slap shot from the slot was deflected past Skinns by Coach Sheppard for his second goal of the night. 5-2 Bison. Sporting his play off beard the coach is looking a bit like Greg “The Specs” at the moment, albeit without the specs and flat cap.

Disaster struck a minute later with the Cats chalking up a short handed goal (only 7 seconds into the penalty). Jonas Höög broke clear. It was like poetry in motion. His movement could be likened to a Shakespeare sonnet copied onto the finest parchment with a Montblanc fountain pen. In contrast the movement of the Bison D on this occasion was more akin to a shopping list scribbled on the back of an envelope with a leaky biro. As Höög bore down on Stonewall Stevie Lyle, the Bison faithful might have wished that their goaltender possessed the bulk of Mr. Creosote (whatever you do don’t Youtube him), so that he could block the goal entirely, but, thankfully, he fell well short on this front (come on - just think of the team’s credibility with Mr. Creosote as your backstopper). Höög found a gap and fired in for 5-3.

The scoring on the night was wrapped up in the 48^th minute. Some typically aggressive forechecking from Lumberjack Joe Rand behind the Cats’ goal line enabled Cuddly Joe Greener to set up Coach Sheppard in front of the net. Maple Leaf Doug hammered in to complete his hat-trick and round off a perfectly beastly evening for Skinns. After their 2^nd period revival, where they had looked capable of going on to win the game, the Cats must have felt as if they had had their faces slapped, their brows beaten, their knuckles rapped, their toes trodden on, their noses tweaked, their backsides kicked, their pony tails yanked, their eyes poked and their wrists slapped. And what a night for Man of the Match and goalscorer Cameron “Popeye” Wynn. As Winston Churchill might have said ...... if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, this was Cameron Wynn's finest hour.

Lightning Strike Zaps Bison

Bison 2 Milton Keynes Lightning 3

16/3/13

Bison’s defeat in last night’s close encounter with the MK Lightning confirmed the Guildford Flames as back to back champions of the EPL. They are now mathematically impossible to catch. And in the spirit of goodwill and sportsmanship we say “well done” to the Flames team and their fair minded supporters. To the gloaters we say nothing at all. Anyway on to last night’s game……..

The 1^st period was a tight affair with only 13 shots on goal between the two teams. Bison looked to be playing at half speed. It was not surprising that the period ended goalless. The major incident of the period occurred in the 16^th minute when Bison old boy, Chris Wiggins, piled Zach Sullivan headfirst into the boards. It was an ugly challenge and the Bison crowd were incensed. Some shouted “Bring back hanging!”, whilst others, with a more realistic understanding of the punishments available to the officials, exhorted “Give him a game!”. And indeed referee Dave Cloutman concurred. He threw Wiggie out of the game, but not literally of course – now that would have been an entertaining spectacle i.e. the elderly, bespectacled and slightly overweight man in stripes hurling the 6’5” Wiggins through the bench door head first. “5 + game” said Clouts and Wiggie skated from the penalty box and saw himself through the door without the need for physical assistance from Clouts. Sully was helped to the locker room in considerable discomfort and it seemed a miracle as astounding as the parting of the Red Sea that he returned for the 2^nd period. Bison now had a 5 minute power play, but they could find no way past Alex Mettam in the MK net.

From the start of the 2^nd Bison appeared to have woken from their 1^st period slumbers and were playing with greater pace and determination. Lumberjack Joe Rand fired in a shot shot which was smothered, but the puck squirted loose to Carl “Scooter” Graham, who fired in slap shot, which was also smothered, but not frozen. There then ensued a monumental melée in front of the MK net. The area around Mettam’s crease became a seething mass of black and white clad hockey players challenging for the puck. It appeared that everyone including Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan’l Whiddon, Harry Hawke and Uncle Tom Cobley and all were in there stabbing, slashing, poking, thrusting, jabbing, tapping, nudging, scuffing and prodding at the puck. All we needed now was Tom Pearce’s grey mare to join the fray, but of course she wasn’t on the bench and couldn’t.

On 28 minutes Bison took the lead. Some good grinding in the corner by Lumberjack Joe Rand enabled Cuddly Joe Greener to feed Coach Sheppard. Maple Leaf Doug took the puck around the back of the goal, emerged the other side and looked to square it to Joe Rand who had reappeared in front of the net as if from Aladdin’s lamp. Just the other side of the glass was Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical). She may have been working out the mathematical probability of Bison scoring. With no goals from 5 shots on goal in the first period she would have calculated the probability of a goal as 0%. But there was no time for mental arithmetic as Maple Leaf Doug squeezed the puck through Alex Mettam’s 5-hole before Climbing Girl could say “Muhammed al-Khowârizmi” (Who the hell? Google him if you’ve never heard of him – I bet Climbing Girl has). Perhaps Mettam was expecting a centring pass to Rand. It was the coach’s 30^th goal of the season. Congratulations to him. 

Bison’s lead didn’t last long – a minute and a half in fact. I told you last week that the Man from MI5 had gone on holiday. Well it looked as if the Bison D had joined him as Ross Bowers and Connor Goode (no relation to Johnny B. Goode as far as I am aware) set up the evergreen Nicky Chinn in front of the net. Chinny in his shot and then, to add insult to injury, fell upon Stonewall Stevie Lyle and the two slid into the net. Alas 500 lbs of Welshmen and equipment was more than the net moorings could stand and off the goal moved, but after the puck had crossed the line so the goal was given. 1-1.

Bison restored their lead 2 minutes later with a goal from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, of which Picasso himself would have been proud. It was a work of sheer artistry and you could have hung it in the Tate. As he skated forward, even the away fans’ most disparaging partisan, suffering from a paucity in the magnanimous generosity department (mean and biased if you prefer), surely couldn’t help but admire the way his clever stick handling enabled him to glide past the MK D-man, who appeared as stationary as the Norwegian Blue from the Monty Python parrot sketch. Now in on Mettam, Chubbs bamboozled his opponent with an exquisite deke to beat the hapless netman. It was 2-1 Bison.

However, Bison were to gift a second equaliser with some slack defending within a minute, as if to say “Sorry we didn’t mean to retake the lead. Here’s another goal for you.” This time the scorer was Connor Goode with a snap shot in front of goal. Michael Farn and Nicky Chinn set him up. 2-2.

On 33 minutes Cuddly Joe Greener was adjudged to have high sticked Michael Farn and joined Chris Wiggins in the “chucked out of the game” club with a 5 + match (later commuted to a game penalty). It was now the Lightning’s turn to throw away a 5 minute power play. In fact on two occasions during the penalty kill slack defending by MK allowed Bison short handed goal opportunities. Firstly, Shoeless Joe Miller’s wrist shot was deflected away and then moments later Coach Sheppard found Chubbs Chambers at the back door but his shot was saved.

The 2^nd ended at 2-2, which was a little disappointing from the Bison perspective, as they had peppered Mettam’s goal with 20 shots, compared with only 9 on Stevie Lyle, but to their credit they had killed the 5 minute power play. To have gone in a goal or two behind as a result of the power play, which could easily have happened, would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the bottom of a parrot’s cage, bearing in mind the home team’s shots on goal dominance, but all square and with everything to play for it was.

Into the 3^rd we went and it would be the Lightning who would snatch the points with a 48^th minute deciding goal. Put in by Lewis Christie and Leigh Jamieson, Janne Jokila skated forward from the right wing and fired a wrist shot over Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s catcher and into the top corner of the net. As if someone had flicked a switch the mood amongst the Lightning faithful suddenly became elated, enthusiastic, excited, exuberant, euphoric and enraptured, whereas at the flick of the same switch the mood in the Bison camp had become dejected, despairing, despondent, dismal, doleful and distressed.

Bison pulled out all the stops to try and get back on level terms. All they needed from the game was one point to seal second place in the EPL, but the  Lightning D were proving as tough as a plug of chewing tobacco bought in some general store in the Klondike circa 1896. There was no way past Mettam. Once again the Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky was a target for rough stuff (every week this seems to be the case). First he was high sticked in the face and left lying on the ice by Ross Bowers, who escaped punishment entirely. The Howling Man of Block C was incensed. He had earlier shouted “Get down to Specsavers” at his favourite official, Dave Cloutman. And now he enunciated an incomprehensible tirade, doubtless including the same suggestion. Alas Mr. Cloutman had not been to Specsavers, didn’t see the incident, gave nothing and the Bison crowd were left dumfounded. 5 minutes later Lewis Christie “interfered with” the bruised and battered Jaro causing him to imitate Jules Léotard. Who? The man about whom the song was written – you know the one :-

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,

That daring young man on the flying trapeze.

Jules Léotard

This time Mr. Cloutman called it and Christie was invited to complete 2 minutes porridge. Alas for the Bison faithful, their team could not capitalise on the power play and in desperation pulled Lyle as the clock ticked down, but they still could not pick the MK padlock and so ended the game with a hard fought road win for the Lightning.

Not On Our Ice

Bison 4 Guildford Flames 2

9/3/13

The Guildford Flames came to Planet Ice last night seeking a win that would have clinched their second successive EPL title. However, Bison had other ideas and slammed the door in their faces with a polite “Not on our ice you don’t.” The Flames may be odds on to be crowned champions once again, but they don’t seem to be able to win at Planet Ice. Suffering their 6^th successive EPL defeat in Basingstoke, they will have to be content with waiting another day to take the pennant. 

The crowd were treated to a tough, physical, competitive and exciting game - a contest of blood and guts, blood and iron and blood and thunder. Bison blood was up and they were determined to spill the Flames’ blood on the carpet. There was no bad blood between the teams, but right from the first puck drop Bison smelled blood and sweated blood to give the Flames a bloody nose. And we even had some blood when Greg “Chubbs” Chambers drew blood from Nathan Rempel near the end of the 2^nd and was initially given a match penalty, which caused the blood of some of the Bison faithful to boil and the blood of others to run cold.

It took Bison 7 minutes to draw first blood (OK enough “blood” for this report). A miscontrolled puck flew high into the air and was caught by Greg “The Specs” Owen. He saw a clear path to goal and, dropping the puck in front of him, skated forward with it. When he saw the whites of netman Mark Lee’s eyes he let loose a wrist shot. If Tommy Walsh had been the Flames goaltender he could have quickly built a brick wall to block the goal completely (actually I’m not sure he does brickwork). Lee has no such abilities nor did he have the time to do so and Owen’s shot flew past him for an unassisted goal and 1-0 Bison.

There was no further scoring in the period, but not for the want of trying with both teams giving their all to ensure that the scoreboard operator didn’t drop off. However, it didn’t take long for Bison to increase their lead with the 2^nd period underway. And it was the crowd’s favourite – a short handed goal. Shoeless Joe Miller was adjudged to have hooked. The Flames faithful spectating in great numbers might have thought that the punishment for Joe’s misdemeanour should have been more appropriately a sentence of 2 years breaking rocks on the chain gang. However, it is not within the power of the men in stripes to impose such a draconian punishment and Joe ended up with a 2 minute holiday sitting on a comfy bench enjoying the spectacle of his team’s penalty kill and celebrating a short handed goal. With the Flames’ 5 men committed up ice, the puck broke to Greg “The Specs”. He powered forward clear of the field and fired in a shot which Lee saved, but couldn’t freeze. On hand was Cuddly Joe Greener to force the puck home. It was 2-0 Bison.

Shortly after the Bison faithful were treated to a wonderful cameo of never say die determination from back from injury Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. Down on the ice and apparently out of the play he hooked the puck at full stretch into the path of a team mate.

With the game approaching the halfway stage, the Bison goal remained intact, despite the Flames nibbling away at it and hoping Stonewall Stevie Lyle would end up with egg on his face and make the hitherto gloatingly jubilant Bison supporters eat humble pie. D-man David Savage, no couch potato when it comes to chipping in goals for his team, had the Flames crowd eating out of his hand as he scored with a plum effort. It was a peach of a back hander, delivered blind, which sent the puck sizzling into the net like a whirling mini pizza. Not so much “dish of the day” it certainly was “goal of the game” on my menu and a provided a great moment for the Flames fans to take away at the end of the game.

It was now those Flames fans who were the gloatingly jubilant ones. With their team only a goal away from parity, they could sense a comeback. However, within 3 minutes the cup of optimism was to be wrenched from their lips in no uncertain terms with a goal scored with panache, aplomb, flamboyance, style, swagger, verve and élan to reanimated the Bison crowd and impregnate them with a revived feeling of optimism to replace the one of unease and concern which had been slowly creeping in to cloud their consciousness. It was a “Joe” goal, set up by Lumberkack Joe Rand and scored by Shoeless Joe Miller. Rand battled on the boards, broke clear and sent a peach (OK no more food analogies) of a long pass diagonally across the ice to Shoeless Joe steaming in from the right wing and bearing down on Mark Lee unopposed. Had Lee possessed magical powers he could have done something like making Joe’s stick disappear in a puff of smoke. But he didn’t and he couldn’t or maybe he did have, but the spell just didn’t work. Suffice it to say that he could do nothing to stop the unstoppable – a top shelf wrist shot which threated to break the net. “Goodbye, goodbye, we’re leaving you, skiddlydye. Goodbye, we wish a fond goodbye, fa-ta-ta-ta-ta, fa-ta-ta-ta”. So sang Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. It might just as well have been sung by the Flames D because they appeared to have left the game, hanging a furious Lee out to dry. He showed his displeasure by way of a tantrum of which a “terrible two” would have been proud.

The turning point of the game came shortly afterwards and straddled the 2^nd and 3^rd periods. On the stroke of 37 minutes Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was given a 5 + match penalty for high sticking fellow Canadian Nathan Rempel, handing Bison a 5 minute power play to defend. To make matters worse, Cuddly Joe Greener had his collar felt for charging in the final minute of the period, handing 2 minutes of a 5 on 3 to the visitors. To concede now would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the bottom of Tutenkhamun’s sarcophagus, but a combination of resolute, organised defense, good fortune and a lack of ability to make it count from the Flames saw Bison snuff out the power play completely and they even had time to conjure up another short handed goal opportunity as Owen broke away but saw his shot saved. Had the Man from MI5 been present he would have appreciated Bison’s iron curtain style power play kill, but alas he was on holiday. His vacation destination has to remain a secret of course.

The Flames did eventually manage to return the game to a one goaler on 53 minutes when Paul Dixon skated across goal and fired in a wrist shot unassisted. It was 3-2 and now Bison had a nervy final 7 minutes to hold on.

With 2 minutes to go after some excellent grinding in the corner had killed valuable time to further frustrate the Flames’ efforts to grab that all important levelling score, tempers flared and Greener and Rempel exchanged pushes and shoves, but not punches without gloves, so the officials let it go. As the seconds ticked down and with the fat lady busy practicing arpeggios, Lee was pulled from the net to give the Flames a 6 on 5. Somebody lost count and with 8 seconds to go the referee pointed out to the Flames that they had 7 men on the ice just before a face off. One of them skated off, the puck was dropped. Calamity for the visitors. It broke to Coach Sheppard. A few strides forward to give himself a clear sight of goal and there was the net gaping open like a yawning hippopotamus, the Grand Canyon, the mouth of a wide mouthed frog or any other wide open object you might care to mention. Maple Leaf Doug made no mistake as he slid the puck home for 4-2 Bison. Had any members of the aristocracy been present, they may have shown their enthusiasm for the goal by shouting “What a spiffing score, old fruit”. But the Bison crowd appears to be made up principally of solid members of the proletariat and no such utterance was heard.

Suffice it to say that the fat lady was now required to sing. It was game over, but, much to the delight of the Bison faithful, not title decided.