Lightning Strike Zaps Bison

Bison 2 Milton Keynes Lightning 3

16/3/13

Bison’s defeat in last night’s close encounter with the MK Lightning confirmed the Guildford Flames as back to back champions of the EPL. They are now mathematically impossible to catch. And in the spirit of goodwill and sportsmanship we say “well done” to the Flames team and their fair minded supporters. To the gloaters we say nothing at all. Anyway on to last night’s game……..

The 1^st period was a tight affair with only 13 shots on goal between the two teams. Bison looked to be playing at half speed. It was not surprising that the period ended goalless. The major incident of the period occurred in the 16^th minute when Bison old boy, Chris Wiggins, piled Zach Sullivan headfirst into the boards. It was an ugly challenge and the Bison crowd were incensed. Some shouted “Bring back hanging!”, whilst others, with a more realistic understanding of the punishments available to the officials, exhorted “Give him a game!”. And indeed referee Dave Cloutman concurred. He threw Wiggie out of the game, but not literally of course – now that would have been an entertaining spectacle i.e. the elderly, bespectacled and slightly overweight man in stripes hurling the 6’5” Wiggins through the bench door head first. “5 + game” said Clouts and Wiggie skated from the penalty box and saw himself through the door without the need for physical assistance from Clouts. Sully was helped to the locker room in considerable discomfort and it seemed a miracle as astounding as the parting of the Red Sea that he returned for the 2^nd period. Bison now had a 5 minute power play, but they could find no way past Alex Mettam in the MK net.

From the start of the 2^nd Bison appeared to have woken from their 1^st period slumbers and were playing with greater pace and determination. Lumberjack Joe Rand fired in a shot shot which was smothered, but the puck squirted loose to Carl “Scooter” Graham, who fired in slap shot, which was also smothered, but not frozen. There then ensued a monumental melée in front of the MK net. The area around Mettam’s crease became a seething mass of black and white clad hockey players challenging for the puck. It appeared that everyone including Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan’l Whiddon, Harry Hawke and Uncle Tom Cobley and all were in there stabbing, slashing, poking, thrusting, jabbing, tapping, nudging, scuffing and prodding at the puck. All we needed now was Tom Pearce’s grey mare to join the fray, but of course she wasn’t on the bench and couldn’t.

On 28 minutes Bison took the lead. Some good grinding in the corner by Lumberjack Joe Rand enabled Cuddly Joe Greener to feed Coach Sheppard. Maple Leaf Doug took the puck around the back of the goal, emerged the other side and looked to square it to Joe Rand who had reappeared in front of the net as if from Aladdin’s lamp. Just the other side of the glass was Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical). She may have been working out the mathematical probability of Bison scoring. With no goals from 5 shots on goal in the first period she would have calculated the probability of a goal as 0%. But there was no time for mental arithmetic as Maple Leaf Doug squeezed the puck through Alex Mettam’s 5-hole before Climbing Girl could say “Muhammed al-Khowârizmi” (Who the hell? Google him if you’ve never heard of him – I bet Climbing Girl has). Perhaps Mettam was expecting a centring pass to Rand. It was the coach’s 30^th goal of the season. Congratulations to him. 

Bison’s lead didn’t last long – a minute and a half in fact. I told you last week that the Man from MI5 had gone on holiday. Well it looked as if the Bison D had joined him as Ross Bowers and Connor Goode (no relation to Johnny B. Goode as far as I am aware) set up the evergreen Nicky Chinn in front of the net. Chinny in his shot and then, to add insult to injury, fell upon Stonewall Stevie Lyle and the two slid into the net. Alas 500 lbs of Welshmen and equipment was more than the net moorings could stand and off the goal moved, but after the puck had crossed the line so the goal was given. 1-1.

Bison restored their lead 2 minutes later with a goal from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, of which Picasso himself would have been proud. It was a work of sheer artistry and you could have hung it in the Tate. As he skated forward, even the away fans’ most disparaging partisan, suffering from a paucity in the magnanimous generosity department (mean and biased if you prefer), surely couldn’t help but admire the way his clever stick handling enabled him to glide past the MK D-man, who appeared as stationary as the Norwegian Blue from the Monty Python parrot sketch. Now in on Mettam, Chubbs bamboozled his opponent with an exquisite deke to beat the hapless netman. It was 2-1 Bison.

However, Bison were to gift a second equaliser with some slack defending within a minute, as if to say “Sorry we didn’t mean to retake the lead. Here’s another goal for you.” This time the scorer was Connor Goode with a snap shot in front of goal. Michael Farn and Nicky Chinn set him up. 2-2.

On 33 minutes Cuddly Joe Greener was adjudged to have high sticked Michael Farn and joined Chris Wiggins in the “chucked out of the game” club with a 5 + match (later commuted to a game penalty). It was now the Lightning’s turn to throw away a 5 minute power play. In fact on two occasions during the penalty kill slack defending by MK allowed Bison short handed goal opportunities. Firstly, Shoeless Joe Miller’s wrist shot was deflected away and then moments later Coach Sheppard found Chubbs Chambers at the back door but his shot was saved.

The 2^nd ended at 2-2, which was a little disappointing from the Bison perspective, as they had peppered Mettam’s goal with 20 shots, compared with only 9 on Stevie Lyle, but to their credit they had killed the 5 minute power play. To have gone in a goal or two behind as a result of the power play, which could easily have happened, would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the bottom of a parrot’s cage, bearing in mind the home team’s shots on goal dominance, but all square and with everything to play for it was.

Into the 3^rd we went and it would be the Lightning who would snatch the points with a 48^th minute deciding goal. Put in by Lewis Christie and Leigh Jamieson, Janne Jokila skated forward from the right wing and fired a wrist shot over Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s catcher and into the top corner of the net. As if someone had flicked a switch the mood amongst the Lightning faithful suddenly became elated, enthusiastic, excited, exuberant, euphoric and enraptured, whereas at the flick of the same switch the mood in the Bison camp had become dejected, despairing, despondent, dismal, doleful and distressed.

Bison pulled out all the stops to try and get back on level terms. All they needed from the game was one point to seal second place in the EPL, but the  Lightning D were proving as tough as a plug of chewing tobacco bought in some general store in the Klondike circa 1896. There was no way past Mettam. Once again the Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky was a target for rough stuff (every week this seems to be the case). First he was high sticked in the face and left lying on the ice by Ross Bowers, who escaped punishment entirely. The Howling Man of Block C was incensed. He had earlier shouted “Get down to Specsavers” at his favourite official, Dave Cloutman. And now he enunciated an incomprehensible tirade, doubtless including the same suggestion. Alas Mr. Cloutman had not been to Specsavers, didn’t see the incident, gave nothing and the Bison crowd were left dumfounded. 5 minutes later Lewis Christie “interfered with” the bruised and battered Jaro causing him to imitate Jules Léotard. Who? The man about whom the song was written – you know the one :-

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,

That daring young man on the flying trapeze.

Jules Léotard

This time Mr. Cloutman called it and Christie was invited to complete 2 minutes porridge. Alas for the Bison faithful, their team could not capitalise on the power play and in desperation pulled Lyle as the clock ticked down, but they still could not pick the MK padlock and so ended the game with a hard fought road win for the Lightning.