It’s Never Over Until the Fat Lady Sings

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 5

25/1/14

From their kennel in Sheffield and led by their infamous arch goon, André “Donkey” Payette, into town came the Steeldogs, straining at the leash and barking their threats. With salivating jaws, growling countenances and tails which most certainly did not wag in a friendly manner, they snarled and snapped their way through the game with their usual brand of agitation, villainy and borderline criminality, perpetrating their behind the back cheap shots and spreading their particular variety of downright unpleasantness. But the officials refused to be intimidated and stood for no nonsense, handing out a staggering 56 PIMs including 3 x 10 misconducts and a game penalty to those dirty dogs.

The 1^st period turned out to be as one sided as a quiz competition between Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking and Alan Turing on one side and a team of punch drunk boxers on the other. Ineffective offense combined with a D which showed the resistance of a wet paper bag, the Dogs managed only 2 shots on Deans Skinns compared to Bison’s 18 on Dalibor Sedlar and left the ice at the first buzzer 0-4 to the bad. It had been a calamitous period for them.

It took Bison only 32 seconds to wake up goal judge Honest Pete and call him into action. Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds and Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in the slot. His shot went straight through Sedlar in an inglorious fashion (for the latter that is not the former) and it was 1-0 Bison.

Coach Payette’s first shift was greeted by a shout from the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. “Someone hit the donkey. Knock him down. It won’t be difficult.”

In the 3^rd minute Steve Duncombe was adjudged to be guilty of boarding. Some members of the crowd bayed for corporal punishment, but alas Meesrs Hogarth and Thompson were not empowered to dish out 50 lashes, a rap across the knuckles with a ruler or even a damned good trousers down spanking (enough said about that) and so into the slammer went Duncombe for what should have been a 2 minute spell of incarceration. It lasted only 6 seconds as Bison made the power play count and doubled their lead. Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long on the blueline. Sedlar was screened from the shooter and much have been horrified to see at the last second Long Ciaron’s shot find its way through the pipes off the post. The Czech had failed to check the shot. 2-0 Bison.

On 12 minutes it was 3-0 Bison. “Machine Gun” Melachrino fed Michael “Muzzy” Wales, who carried the puck forward and passed back to the Grandmaster lurking in the slot. A clever deke and backhanded shot across the line gave Karpov his 2^nd of the night.

Bison romped into a 4-0 lead on 15 minutes with free flowing pass and move attack which possessed the artistic merit of a Michaelangelo fresco, whereas, in contrast, the movement of the Dogs D was more akin to a scribble on the back of a fag packet. Long Ciaron sent Coach Sheppard on his way. Maple Leaf Doug’s pass across goal found Cuddly Joe Greener cutting in from the left wing. Joe roofed it with a degree of accuracy which would have impressed even Alan Francis (Alan who? Why the 18 times world horseshoe pitching champion of course).

The game was fast turning into a Shakespearean tragedy of King Lear proportions for the Dogs. Measure for measure, the Bison tempest had resulted in a comedy of errors in the Dogs D. The goaltender must have felt as betrayed as Julius Caesar. Had it been played in June you could have described the game as a midsummer night’s dream for Bison. It certainly was a winter’s tale for the Dogs. Their travelling support may have started the game as happy as the merry wives of Windsor, but now their mood was more Macbeth. But the game proved far from over, as shall unfold in this humble but hopefully “much admir’d” narrative.

The Dogs had to turn the game around. After such a one sided 1^st period this seemed as unlikely as Giant Haystacks (40 stone and 6’11”) dancing in the rôle of prima ballerina in a Bolshoi Ballet production of Swan Lake. They needed inspiration, motivation and an astute tactical plan from their donkey coach. They didn’t get it. He was in the box serving a 10 misconduct for some trademark pantomime villainy before the puck had even been dropped for the 2^nd period. Nevertheless, it seemed better for the Dogs that he was banged up and thereby reduced to the rôle of a mere observer of proceedings because they pulled 2 goals back in the 32^nd and 39^th minutes respectively. The first was set up by Bison old boy, Greg “Chubbs” Chambers and scored by the scary looking Lubomir Kohron (have you seen his profile picture on the Dogs’ web site?). The second was bagged by Ashley Calvert set up by Hirst and Chambers. In between the goals there was enough time for Lloyd Gibson to receive a 10 misconduct for mouthing off to the officials from the bench. Yes really. It was the Dogs third of the game, Lewis Bell having received their first at the end of the 1^st period. 

A far better period for the Dogs ended with them only 4-2 to the bad and every chance of clawing their way back from a seemingly hopeless position. Things got even better for them when on 45 minutes they made it a one goal game. Hirst, set up by Chambers, popped the puck in from in front of goal. Suddenly all was to play for and Bison nerves were jangling, especially a minute later when an apparent Dogs equaliser was expunged for net off moorings. Bison had to find something from somewhere to grab back the momentum and reverse the pendulum swing or all would be lost. Enter the Greener/Long/Sheppard combination which had bagged the previous Bison goal. Long Ciaron and Maple Leaf Doug combined to set up Cuddly Joe at the back door. Joe’s shot passed between Sedlar’s legs and deflected across the line off his skate. Oh woe indeed for the Czech backstopper. It was 5-3 to the home team and in the Bison ranks rapturous rejoicing and rhapsodic revelry radiated resplendently.

Shortly after Muzzy Wales and Andrew Hirst expressed their contrary views to each other in both a verbal and physical fashion.  Surely Mussolini and Chairman Mao could not have been further apart in opinion if the physical manifestation of their disagreement was anything to go by. Off to their respective naughty boy’s steps they went and a 4 on 4 ensued. Within a minute of their previous goal Bison snatched another. Reynolds passed forward to Greener from the D. Cuddly Joe set up Lumberjack Joe Rand who drifted in on goal and scored. 6-3 Bison. The Dogs’ D were now plumbing the depths. Bisons 6th goal had been a plum effort, scored with aplomb. The Doubting Thomases in the crowd were instantly transformed into Champagne Charlies. However, it was far from all over because before the 4 on 4 had run its course the Dogs had pulled another back. Duncombe and Haywood set up Edgars Bebris whose cross the goal wrist shot found the gap between goaltender and post.

6-4 and over 8 minutes remaining. Could the Dogs do a Lazarus? They gave themselves every chance with another goal on the power play on 58:06. After the mother of all melées in front of goal Lumberjack Joe Rand was called for a cross check. The 5 on 4 power play turned into a 6 on 4 as Sedlar was pulled and 6 seconds in Korhon fired in at the back door. Assists to Chambers and Wood. Suddenly a fracas of X-rated quality erupted. Everyone was involved. You could have thrown a lasso around them as they huddled together pushing and shoving. Players fell over. Players fell on top of players who had fallen over. Players fell on top of players who had fallen on top of players who had fallen over. It was bedlam. Speedway Girl, holder of the Deans Skinns Appreciation Society membership card no 001, rose angrily from her seat as she saw her favourite player being buried alive. Eventually it all calmed down and the only player to be penalised was Dogs’ D-man Steve Duncombe for cross checking. He didn’t like it and, on entering the box, threw a towel at one of the match officials. That was enough for the referee. A game misconduct was imposed. As Duncombe skated towards the bench he metamorphosed into Fatima Whitbread and threw his stick like a javelin towards the locker room, but there was to be no Olympic silver medal for him.

Back to the game. Bison, at 6-5 to the good, had just under 2 minutes to protect what was now a very slender lead. Sedlar came back for the face off and was immediately pulled. He must have felt like a yo-yo. The crowd was then treated to a pulsating final phase with the Dogs pressing forward desperately and Bison managing to miss no fewer than 4 empty net chances. Finally the buzzer sounded and in the Bison blocks there was multifarious merrymaking whereas in sharp contrast in the visitors’ enclosure it was misery and melancholy giving rise to malodourous mumblings and morose machinations.

Bison had bagged the points at the end of a very close game which should have seen them out of sight after a totally dominant 1^st. However, it’s never over until the fat lady sings and even a 4 goal lead can be thrown away in the blink of an eye. Hirst and Greener received the top banana awards. And a final word for referee Hogarth who survived being wiped out in a big hit in the 3^rd and then had to leave the game with a nasty cut to the hand. The men in stripes are made of stern stuff. We look forward to seeing Mr Hogarth back as soon as possible. Shakespeare was left to muse "all's well that ends well."