It's a Trousers Down Spanking for Hapless Phoenix

Bison 5 Manchester Phoenix 1

22/2/14

Having snatched EPL top spot from the Manchester Phoenix with a midweek downing of the dirty Dogs in Sheffield, Bison entertained Phoenix at Planet Ice last night. If they won they would give themselves an outside chance of the title. They had to achieve three objectives. Firstly, they had to win the game. Secondly, they had to win in regular time and thus deny Phoenix a point for an overtime game. Thirdly, they had to outplay their nearest rivals and give them such a trousers down spanking (a painful dose of corporal castigation to put it another way) which would serve to demoralise Phoenix in their title run in. All three boxes were well and truly ticked.

From the first puck drop Bison went for the throat like a rabid stoat and were much the better side in P1. It did, however, take them 16 minutes to find the net and when they did it was a comedy classic for hapless Phoenix netminder Steve Fone. Set up by Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds, Bison Skipper Nicky Chinn fired in a wrist shot. We heard a thud as Fone saved with his pad, but the puck deflected behind the goal line where Cuddly Joe Greener picked it up. With Fone forward of his net, Joe saw his opportunity. He lobbed the puck onto Fone’s back and into the goal it went. 1-0 Bison. If Planet Ice could be likened to the Sea of Tranquility before the goal, it was a case of “Houston we have lift off” when it was scored as the home fans universally reached for the stars, their Jupiterian celebrations erupting like a booster rocket to mark the Bison enterprise. Into a metaphorical outer space they went. To infinity and beyond. 

Only 25 seconds later it was 2-0. The Bespectacled Youth described the goal thus………..Wales served up apple sauce onto Andy Melons’s twig. He proved he was no grocery stick, as he wheeled in with salad flowing and at the hash marks he ripped a snipe and the biccie flew in top ched making the tendy look like Swiss. The twine bulged. He celly’d hard with his linies. Anyone fancy translating that? Leave your version in the comments section below. Otherwise see footnote.

The period ended and in the interval we all wondered if we were going to see more of the same in P2. Mystic Jo gazed into her crystal ball, Oxobloke gazed into his cup of Oxo and the Desperate Dan lookalike gazed wistfully towards the food bar thinking of cow pies. They were not to be disappointed as more of the same was exactly what we got. Bison went for the throat once again and very soon it was 3-0 as I shall relate.

On 22 minutes Bentham attracted the ire of officialdom by spooning the puck over the plexi. Judge Cloutman made the decision. There was no need for him to don robes and a wig. It was a summary trial and sentence with no appeal. To the penalty box for 2 minutes went the hapless Bentham. But alas Bison power played for only 32 seconds and then Nicky Chinn was hooked into the box for hooking. It was now 4 on 4 and the extra space thereby created enabled Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov to create a goal for Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino with skating and stick handling which exhibited qualities of speed, grace, sorcery and balance that would have impressed Usain Bolt, Margot Fonteyn, Merlin and the Great Blondin respectively (the Great who? Google him). It was a cameo of pure genius as the Czech picked up the puck in his own defensive zone from Rabbits Foot Joe Baird’s pass. As he skated forward we were treated to a dazzling display of foot and hand, combining power with subtlety, as he eluded challenge after challenge. He drew the goaltender and then squared a pass to Andy Melons who had a massive extent of unguarded net to fire into. 3-0 Bison. A crescendo of noise erupted in the Bison blocks. Some cried “Hip-pip!” Others answered “Hooray!” The Man with 3 Ear-rings shouted “Nanu-Nanu!” And the Howling Man? He just howled. 

The homesters surged further ahead in the 28^th minute. Long Ciaron Long was set up by Cuddly Joe Greener. Long Ciaron’s shot was saved by Fone, but the rebound went straight to Nicky Chinn, who roofed it. As the crowd showed their approbation, the Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, conveyed news of the goal to his friends, the Man from MI6 and the Man from the KGB, using his pen radio, borrowed from the Man from UNCLE.

Could it get any worse for the visitors? Yes it could, for, only 28 seconds later it was 5-0 and the executioner was once again the fleet footed ice conjurer Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. Tomas’s current form is hotter than a chilli pepper tindaloo cooked with extra chillies and laced with a dash of Chillipepper Pete's Liquid Fire Chilli Sauce. A hat-trick against the Dogs in midweek brought his season’s goal tally to 37 in league and cup. He was about to clock up goal number 38. Put in by Matt “The Tank” Selby and Andy Melons, Karpov surged forward on the breakaway. This was not the time to dawdle, amble, saunter, loaf around or tarry a while. He left the covering D men to do those things, as he accelerated, precipitated, hastened and hurried towards the goal. To catch him the D had to show pace, finesse, poise and tenacity. Instead we got ineptitude, lethargy, listlessness and torpidity as they floundered in the wake of the Bison forward. The D men failed, but could Fone stop the express train that is Tomas Karpov? No he couldn’t. The puck raced through his 5-hole to trigger another explosion of unrestrained celebration amongst the Bison backers, possibly tinged with a soupçon of disbelief at how easy a task it was proving. The Phoenix fans had hoped their D would be as solid as a rock. However, they had been caught between a rock and a hard place. Bison had rocked their boat and the Manchester men were now looking decidedly rocky. Their D simply hadn’t rocked up. The 5^th goal rocked them back on their heels and their fans, their hopes on the rocks, were beginning to go off their rockers. In contrast the Bison blocks were rocking.

The concession of goal number 5 prompted Coach Hand to call a time out in an attempt to steady the ship. They were in stormy waters and all at sea. They had to batten down the hatches or Bison would sail over the horizon, leaving the visitors to flounder in their wake, but, with ship wreck style defending, they were playing as if three sheets to the wind. They had to fire a shot across the Bison bows or their hopes would well and truly descend into Davy Jones’s locker. But their chances of winning from a well below decks position of 0-5 and drifting without a compass were realistically hanging from the highest yardarm.  They needed to shiver the Bison timbers and this they did. On 35 minutes Michal Psurny passed forward from the slot to Frankie Bakrlik in front of the net. He skinned Dean Skinns through the 5-hole and it was 1-5. Robin Kovar was announced as the second assistant to the goal.

 Before venturing further in this narrative, I must inform you of a scandalous incident which erupted shortly after the time out. Rabbits Foot Joe Baird’s check on Andy McKinney was not liked by the latter. Taking vigilante action, he, the aforementioned latter, bundled the aforementioned former to the ice from behind and, lying on top of him like a copulating turtle, hammered away at his adversary in a most dishonourable and uncivilised fashion. “2 + 2 + 2” was the punishment meted out to McKinney.

Back to the current action. Whatever it was that Coach Hand said obviously worked as no more pucks were put past Fone in the 2^nd. The period, which, like the 1^st, Bison had dominated, ended and into the 3^rd we went. The game went a little flat with Bison obviously feeling they had done enough and not wanting to throw their advantage away with suicidal offense. There was no further scoring and, as the clocked ticked down the Bison faithful la-la’ed the traditional “Great Escape” as they sprang to their feet like so many Jack-in-the-boxes (or is it more correctly Jacks-in-the-box or even Jacks-in-the-boxes? Quite frankly who cares?). The fat lady was now singing so loudly that she would have drowned out even the Howling Man, had he chosen to deliver one of his purple vein throbbing diatribes of objection. With Bison heading for a win, however, there was no need for him to broadcast any adverse views on the standard of officiating which he may have harboured and he remained silently content with the proceedings. The rest were noisily content.

Goal number 2 : Wales put a saucer pass onto Melanchrino’s stick. He proved he was no fill in player, as he skated in at speed and at the hash marks released a wrist shot that flew into the top corner of the net, making the goaltender look full of holes. The net bulged. He celebrated well with his line mates.