Bison
7 Slough Jets 2
15/2/14
Do you know the
differences between a lesser spotted woodpecker, a willow tit and a wood
warbler. If you do, you’re clearly a
higher order ornithologist than me. Not difficult as I’m not one at all,
although I can just about tell the difference between a robin and an ostrich.
What relevance has this to last night’s game between Bison and the Slough Jets?
None at all. Except that if you likening Bison to a bird on last night’s
performance then you would choose that great bird of prey the Golden Eagle. In
contrast, the Jets were more akin to a sparrow and a weedy one at that. A more
one sided hockey game you couldn’t imagine and with a shot count of 57-9 against them
it was quite amazing that the Jets avoided being buried under an even greater
avalanche of goals. Their bacon was saved by a fine goaltending display in
periods 2 and 3 and a net which just would not stay on its moorings – naughty net.
Despite their
early domination it took Bison 9 minutes to open their account. It was a
cracking move, free flowing, fast and furious. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn passed
cross ice to Cuddly Joe Greener who passed forward to Long Ciaron Long. Cutting
in from the left, Long Ciaron found the net with a low wrist shot and it was
1-0 Bison.
Only a minute
later it was 2-0. Coach Sheppard and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov ground the puck
out from the boards and suddenly Aaron “Billy” Connolly was away and bearing in
on goaltender Andrej Vasiljevic. The hapless Russian could not prevent Billy
from deking and sliding the puck across the line. 2-0 Bison.
As the period
drew to a close there was a sudden explosion of goals, 3 in merely a minute and
a half, which had the visiting supporters hanging their heads in shame. Their
team’s capitulation was an embarrassment of cringe worthy proportions. Many of them doubtless wished they could be
borne away from that place of torment.
Goal number 3
was a scruffy affair. The Outlaw Muzzy Wales sent Grandmanster Karpov away
behind the net. He emerged the other side and his centring pass was eventually
forced over the line by Andy “Machinegun” Melachrino.
Goal number 4
was scored when Connolly slotted home a rebound form Lumberjack Joe Rand’s
shot. Matt “The Tank” Selby was adjudged the worthy recipient of the second
assist.
Goal number 5
saw Jets D work plumbing the depths, as I shall relate. But first I must advise
you that Cuddly Joe Greener had challenged Mindy Kieras to a duel by dropping
his gloves. The lethal Lithuanian, declined his challenge. Joe with gloves off and
posturing in a threatening manner was enough for the officials and he was sent
up the river to do 2 minutes’ worth of porridge in the slammer. 16 seconds into
the Jets’ power play, they carelessly turned over the puck mid ice and
Lumberjack Joe Rand was away. Joe’s progress forward was achieved with
artistry, acceleration, alacrity and agility. The D-men couldn’t keep up. By
comparison their movement looked slow, sleepy, slothful and sluggish. He deked
in front of net and slid the puck home for a short handed goal. It was 5-0
Bison. The goal detonated an explosion of hoopla and hullaballoo amongst the
Bison backers as they hurrah’d and huzzah’d their appreciation. In contrast
there were scenes of despair and depression amongst the Jets’ faithful as they
greeted the goal with disapproval and downright disappointment. As a
Mafia godfather might put it, the visitors’ aspirations of winning, thanks to
that 3 goal burst, were now sleeping with the fishes.
The period ended
with the Jets 5-0 to the bad and having been outshot by a staggering 24-1. Things
couldn’t have been hotter for the goaltender than if he had been hurled
headlong into a vat of Zakk Wylde's Berserker Shot To Hell Hot Sauce (it really
exists – Google it if you don’t believe me). Many coaches would have pulled him
at this point, but Coach Moran held faith with the Russian backstopper and his
faith was repaid as his hitherto hapless netman went on to prove almost as
impenetrable as the iron curtain with a display which earned him the Jets’ Top
Banana award. He faced 33 shots in periods 2 and 3 and was beaten only twice.
Well 4 times actually but more about that in a minute.
Early in P3
everyone in Planet Ice except the officials noticed that the Jets’ net had
moved off its moorings, but play continued. Mr Thompson had been staring straight
at the goal, but had failed to spot the dislodgement. He might just as well
have been Mister Magoo, Stevie Wonder or Louis Braille. Even the crowd shouting
“Net off moorings” failed to register the problem with the officials. The
Howling Man in particular had cranked himself up to a Richter scale protest,
but all to no avail. The play had moved up ice, but now the puck was back in
the Jets’ defensive zone. Suddenly from the point Karpov cracked an unstoppable
clapper. The slap shot flew into the net as straight as a bolt fired from
William Tell’s crossbow. On came the red light, up went the crowd. “No goal,”
said the officials. Only now had they noticed that the net had moved. The crowd
turned ugly. The Howling Man bellowed “How much are Slough paying you,
Thompson?” Mr. Thompson declined to comment.
That was to
prove the only time Bison managed to get the puck in the net in the period.
Despite being outshot by 17-4 in the period, it was the Jets who would score
the only goal of P2. This occurred in the 28th minute. A 2 on 1
breakaway. Waller sent Line and the follically challenged Matt Towalski away.
The latter finished top shelf from the wrist and the arrears had been reduced
to 1-5.
On 31 minutes
goaltender Vasiljevic was caught red handed moving the net off its moorings and
banged to rights. Rose went to the glasshouse to serve the penalty. During the
resultant power play the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired lady became
animated in the extreme. They raised their protests to the rafters in such a
rivet loosening fashion that the very structural integrity of Planet Ice was
threatened. What was their beef? The Jets had too many imports on the ice. Their
objection went unsustained.
The buzzer
signalled an end to P2 proceedings with the Jets having bagged the only goal of
the period. Could they come back from what had been a disastrous position at
the end of the 1st? They had looked down and out and had been
playing like a load of down and outs. Now at the end of the 2nd they
were merely 4 goals to the bad. Some though they could launch a revival. But I
cannot say from which planet these people were. Mars? Jupiter? Ork? (Only 40 +
year olds will remember Robin Williams as Mork from Ork). Realistically a
comeback just wasn’t going to happen, as long as Bison’s dominance continued
and so it proved.
3 minutes into
the final period it was 6-1. Chinn and Greener combined to set up Karpov. Tomas
twinkle toed through the Jets’ D as if they didn’t exist, deked and scored. Someone
opened the sluice gate and unrestrained merriment, frenzied celebration and
gloating jubilation gushed forth from the Bison blocks, leaving the Jets’ fans
to adopt feelings of torment and
melancholic perturbation.
5 minutes later
Bison fell foul of the net off moorings rule once again, this time whilst on a
power play with Kaminskas doing a stretch for slashing. Marvellous Miroslav
Vantroba fired in a slap shot from the point. The puck thudded against Vasiljevic’s
pad, but the rebound was picked up by Lumberjack Joe Rand in front of the
crease. He deked and Vasiljevic backed up, backed up and backed up. Eventually
the puck crossed the goal line, but by then the Russian miscreant had shifted the
net off and the goal was expunged. “Net off “ was what the referee said and consequently it was declared a bad goal. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt was moved to question
referee Cloutman’s sanity with a shout of “Clouts! Have you gone off your
moorings?”
On 55 minutes
the Jets bagged another. Matt Towalski, who sounds like an import but isn’t, set
up by Danny Rose, fired in a shot from wide left producing a fine pad save from
Dean Skinns. Alas the puck deflected wide right where Temple was lurking.
Shirley Temple? No Eddie Temple, but he looks almost as young. He hammered the
puck home, much to the annoyance of the Bison netman. Well why wouldn’t he be cross?
The Jets had miraculously scored 2 goals from nothing more than a handful of
shots on target, but Deano could have stopped neither. Nevertheless it was 6-2.
6-2 became 7-2
with the final score of the night on 58 minutes. The Outlaw Muzzy Wales put in
Grandmaster Karpov, who scored from close in. Let’s not gloss over the problems,
paper over the cracks or rake over the coals the Jets had been bowled over,
rolled over and knocked over. They looked hung over, and had had their chances
kicked over and their D run over, as Bison had jumped all over them until they
had keeled over. The party was over and the fat lady was singing Roy Orbison’s
“It’s Over”. Their performance, far from having the speed, manoeuvrability and
grace of a jet aeroplane had been more akin to Blériot’s monoplane, but, thanks
to a splendid goaltending display from Vasiljevic and the net repeatedly moving off its
moorings, they had managed to keep the score to a respectable level and
avoid an even worse trousers down spanking that they eventually received after being put
through the mangle in the 1st. Connolly was elected Bison’s Top
Banana.
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