Blow on the Head Fails to Knock Sense into Ref Matthews

Bison 4 Bracknell Bees 2

1/11/14

Bison eventually triumphed, with some difficulty it has to be said, over bottom of the table Bracknell on a night which saw some of the most bizarre officiating seen at Planet Ice since Methuselah was a boy. A series of strange decisions or lack of them left home and away fans and players alike open mouthed in astonishment. On one occasion in P3 Coach Sheppard was called for slashing, an offence that only Referee Matthews had seen and the other 1,000 in the rink not. Maple Leaf Doug looked as shocked as a Nazi storm trooper impaled on Lance Corporal Jones’s bayonet (not that any ever were). Then on another occasion an offside was called without the puck even coming close to passing over the blueline. The final poor call was allowing the second Bracknell goal rifled in through a crowd of pushing, shoving, cross checking, interfering and otherwise infringing players assembled as a jostling gaggle in the blue paint in front of the Bison net. However, in the final analysis, it mattered not a jot as Bison bagged the points to consolidate their league position and gain revenge over the Bees for an unfortunate defeat when last at the Hive when a shortie by Lukas Smital with 10 seconds remaining thrust a dagger into the hearts of the Bison faithful.

P1 saw a stuttering Bison failing to penetrate a resolute Bees D. Despite outshooting the Bees by 10 to 6 in the period, they could find no way through a resolute Bees D backstopped by an impressive Alex Mettam. In fact it was the Bees who snatched the lead on 11 minutes with a power play goal from the dagger thrusting Smital. They showed how to take advantage of a 5 on 4 with a goal only 9 seconds into Declan Balmer’s 2 minute tripping minor. Ivan Antonov and Radek Hubacek combined to set up Smital, who smashed the puck home through the crowd. 1-0 Bees.

Bison spent the rest of the period a-huffing and a-puffing, but were unable to blow the beehive down and by the end of P1 Bison were left as frustrated as a man with a hair piece needing to go out on a windy day, but freshly out of Evostick. It had been a disappointing period for the home team and, in true Monty Python style, they must have hoped that it was going to be a case of  “And now for something completely different” in P2. However, the Bees continued to frustrate and it turned out to be more a case of “And now for something completely the same”.

As the period progressed the curmudgeonlies amongst the Bison backers began to believe that their team were not going to be able to salvage anything from the game and such negative thoughts mushroomed even further when the Bees were awarded a penalty shot in the 36^th minute. A mistake by Balmer gave possession of the puck to Hubacek, who barrelled in on goal and was brought down by the hapless and indeed desperate D-man before he could get his shot away. Penalty shot! Hubacek picked up the puck and swung wide to his left, then came in close and released his effort. Dean “Deano” Skinns became the instant hero, much to the delight of all including Speedway Girl, holder of membership card number 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society. Down in the splits, he made himself big enough to thwart Hubacek and the puck bounced away off his body. No goal.

Perhaps this proved to be the turning point in the game. From a position of gloom, doom and despondency, 0-1 to the bad and a penalty shot against, Bison jumped on the escalator to Paradise within 2 minutes. A pass out of defense from Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird found Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, who in turn fed Michael “Muzzy” Wales. Muzzy cut in from the right wing and unleashed a wrist shot which beat Mettam high blocker side. Level at 1-1. Now before I mention the next group of people, I would inform you that they really exist and, if you don’t believe me, Google their web site. O.K. so……. Had the Basingclog Morris Men been present they would have celebrated the goal by jumping to their feet with bells a-jinglin’ and dancing a stick dance to the tune of “The Jolly Weaver of Old Basing”. But alas they weren’t or, if they were, they were as incognito as the Man from MI5.

Now pegged back level it was the Bees who began to show their frustration or at least one of them, namely our old friend Ryan “You What?” Watt. He hooked. Had an aristocrat had been present he might have been moved to say of the offence, “I say that’s not cricket”. And he would have been right. It wasn’t cricket. It was hockey. Off to the box went Watt for the remaining 51 seconds of the period. The Bison power play came on strong, but three successive slap shots from the slot from Long Ciaron Long were all saved by Mettam. The Bees held out and P2 ended, but they still had over a minute of penalty kill to negotiate at the beginning of the 3^rd. They failed, as I shall relate, dear reader.

The beginning of the 3^rd saw a resumption of the onslaught. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba’s pass from the point found Lumberjack Joe Rand wide and to the left of the Bees’ goal. Joe took the puck, drifted across the crease unchallenged and swept past Mettam, who had come out to stab the puck away. This left a gap as wide as a yawning hippopotamus, who hadn’t slept for 3 days, at the back door. Joe swept the puck home and it was 2-1 Bison. Long Ciaron with the second assist.

It was nothing more than Bison deserved, having outshot the Bees at a rate of 2:1 thus far. But a solitary goal advantage ensures that the outcome of the game hangs by a gossamer thread and Bison needed to take advantage of their newfound confidence to put the game out of sight. They continued to press in a period which was to see 20 attempts on goal. The reward came in the 48^th minute.

Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba carried the puck across goal but couldn’t get a shot in. The Bespectacled Youth wondered whether he was so far forward that the blood had drained from his brain. We can only speculate. It mattered not because he set up Cuddly Joe Greener with a slap shot chance from the slot. As the puck raced towards goal, Long Ciaron Long dangled his twig and deflected it past a hapless Mettam. 3-1 Bison. The reaction of the Bison backers to the goal could almost be described as indescribable. At last – daylight between the teams.

Shortly before the goal was scored, Referee Matthews took an accidental stick to the face. Just as Two Ton Ted from Teddington’s bun was sent spinning from his hand by a strawberry flavoured yoghurt thrown by Ernie in “Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West”, so Mr Matthews’s helmet was sent spinning from his head by the upraised stick. The hapless official was able to continue shortly afterwards and we hoped that the knock on his head would improve his decision making, but alas it did not.

On 54 minutes Andrew “Machine Gun” Melachrino copped a 10 misconduct for expressing his views following the Coach Sheppard slashing (or rather not slashing) incident. This enraged the Howling Man and he, like Andy Melons, let his considered opinion be known, albeit out of earshot of Mr. Matthews. To describe the Howling Man as being a mild and polite critic of officialdom would be as big an understatement as “Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot were not very nice.” Any further description of his outburst is, therefore, unnecessary.

The Bees advanced to the last chance saloon, pulled their netminder, which ensured that their net no longer moved mysteriously off its moorings, as it had done on more than one occasion during the match. The 6 on 5 became a 6 on 4 when Declan Balmer was seen putting the unsavoury Scott Spearing in his place. He could have speared Spearing, but decided a right hook to the face was a more appropriate statement. Into the box he went. 24 seconds later it was 3-2 as the Bees scored a controversial goal, as described in the opening paragraph of this humble account.

To let the Bees in with a last gasp chance was as undesirable as the scrapings from the floor of a cheese processing plant (said scrapings are washed in chemicals, dried and ground up and used as cheese and onion crisp flavouring, so the Rabble Rouser of Block A reliably(?) informs me). A goal can be scored in the blink of an eye, as we know. Were Bison going to let the Bees level a game in which they had been outplayed and outshot by a considerable margin? Well no because, immediately from the restart won by Lumberjack Joe Rand, Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds fired the puck first time down the ice for an empty netter and 4-2 Bison. It wasn’t so much a case of “Oh my God. They’ve killed Kenny”, but more a case of “Oh my God. They’ve killed the Bracknell Bees”. With only 28 seconds remaining the Bees realised the game was over and back came Mettam thus increasing the possibility of more net off moorings incidents, but there was no need for this as the game came to a conclusion without further incident. 4-2 it ended and declared top bananas for their respective teams were Harvey Stead and Long Ciaron Long.

A final word for Mystic Jo, who had predicted a 3-2 win for Bison. Her prediction was ruined by the empty netter by Kurt “The Scissors”, who obviously hadn’t read the tealeaves himself. Perhaps he’s a teabag man.