Raiders' Raid Repulsed

23/11/14

The Anglo-Zanziba War of 1896 was the shortest war in history. It lasted for only 38 minutes. It started at 9:02 with a British naval bombardment of the palace of Sultan Khalid bin Barghash and ended at 9:40 when the white flag was hoisted up the palace flagpole. Last night at Planet Ice the game involving Bison and the Wightlink Raiders lasted longer than that (60 minutes of playing time to be precise), but the game could have been a lot shorter if Coach Jeremy Cornish had been able to find a white flag to hoist up the Wightlink flagpole. Bison were once again without a clutch of their best players and gave ice time to youngsters Hallum Wilson and Alex Sampford as well as icing back up goaltender, Dan Weller-Evans, but even a weakened bench proved way too strong for the Islanders.

Bison took only 5 minutes to execute a successful raid on the Raiders’ net. Set up by Grant Rounding and Rick “The Beard” Skene, Lumberjack Joe Rand found himself in on goal. A clever deke and a backhander past a committed goaltender Shannon Long and it was 1-0 Bison.

Rand and Rounding combined again for goal no.2 on 10 minutes. Rand sliced through the Raiders’ D using a combination of jiggery, pokery, sorcery, skulduggery, trickery and chicanery, although he probably didn’t realise he was utilising all these qualities at the same time. He passed to Rounding at the back door where there was a big gap between goaltender and post for Grant to fire home. 2-0 Bison. Aaron “Billy” Connolly was declared assistant no.2. It was a superbly executed move and one which must have been practiced in training. For Coach Sheppard it must have been a goal to die for, although thankfully he didn’t or at least not that I noticed.

The Raiders managed to reduce the arrears with less than a minute remaining on the P1 clock and what an unusual goal it was. Set up by Ben Paynter, Bison old boy, Jaroslav Cesky, fired in a shot from the slot, just as Craig Tribe was getting to one knee after being cross checked to the ice by Rick “The Beard” Skene. Tribe dangled his twig and managed to deflect the puck and send it bouncing past Dan Weller-Evans in the Bison net. 2-1.

Only a solitary goal in arrears, Coach Cornish must have told his Raiders in the first interval “Hey guys we’re still in this game”. But, just as a slate, whose fixing nail has rusted through, slides from the roof of a Victorian house to shatter on the pathway below, so the Raiders’ chances of getting something from the game slipped irretrievably to ground and smashed to smithereens in P2 when a rampant Bison slammed 6 goals without reply past a shell shocked Shannon Long.

Only 2 minutes into the period the slates began to slide off the Raiders’ roof. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino took the puck around the back of the goal and passed to Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. Miro’s slap shot was saved, but the rebound went straight to Cuddly Joe Greener, who took his time, picked his spot and wristed it in. 3-1 Bison.

On 24 minutes it was 4-1. Skene found Rounding on the wing. He spotted Rand inside and unmarked. The Raiders’ D seemed to have melted away more quickly than a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream in the oven at Gas Mark 8. Joe slammed a shot against the bar and in. “It went in bar south,” said the Bespectacled Youth, employing hockey jargon that few people understand.

On 26 minutes Bison surged further ahead with a power play goal, Aaron Edwards having had his collar felt for slashing. 23 seconds in and Vantroba passed inside from a wing position to an all alone Cameron “Popeye” Wynn. Cam skated in and backhanded past the goaltender. The Raiders’ penalty kill hadn’t. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg was awarded the second assist for the goal. 5-1 Bison.

On 30 minutes it was 6-1. Long Ciaron Long set up Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino for a back door snap shot. The Raiders were now reeling like a man who had been on a 3 day bender in the company of Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Glen Fiddich. But worse was to come because Bison hadn’t finished. 2 minutes later they bagged another. Grant Rounding robbed possession in mid ice, barrelled in on goal and sent in a vicious wrist shot which beat the goaltender for sheer pace. Matt “Bad News” Selby was awarded an assist on his return to the team after a nasty concussion. 7-1 Bison.

Talking of assists, Brendan Baird was awarded one for the 6^th Bison goal, much to the delight of one of the Good Time Girls, holder of membership card no.001 of the Brendan Baird Appreciation Society. Nearby the Bespectacled Youth asked “Has Grant Rounding got 2 goals?” “No. Grant’s got one and Rounding’s got one,” replied the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs Shirt.

And then ignominy of all ignominies. Goaltender Shannon Long, had to endure the shame, embarrassment, mortification and chagrin of conceding a goal to his own brother. Set up by Vantoba and Melachrino, Long Ciaron Long’s slap shot thudded against the pad of his brother, but alas for the hapless netman he could not deflect the puck away or kill it dead and it squirted past him and over the line. 8-1 Bison. The goal made the crowd want to sing. Some did. The aristocrat in Block A broke into a rendition of “Rule Britannia”, the cockney in Block C “Knees up Mother Brown” and the vicar in Block V “Jerusalem”.

Things were getting so hot for the goaltender that he must have felt he was sizzling on a griddle. Enough was enough for Coach Cornish and he decided to give the unfortunate Long a rest for the 3^rd period. In came another Bison old boy, Matt Colclough, but wearing someone else’s shirt. It was a good move as Colclough stopped 14 of 15 on target shots against him. As for the Raiders scoring machine, their lines were looking as ineffectual as a line composed of Lance Corporal Jones, Captain Mainwaring and Private Godfrey. They had managed only 5 shots on goal in the second and went one worse in the third – only 4. Luckily for them, Bison managed only a solitary goal in the final period enabling the Raiders to at least avoid the ignominy of a double figure goal defeat. The aforementioned solitary goal came in the 51^st minute with captain for the night Lumberjack Joe Rand completing a hat-trick against his old team with an audacious wraparound goal. Connolly and Rounding picked up the assists. The goal must have irked Mystic Jo, who may even have wanted to drive pins into a wax effigy of Lumberjack Joe in revenge. Why? Because she had predicted a final score of 8-1 and Joe had just spoiled that. Never mind – only a solitary goal out this time for Bison’s own Nostradamus. Pretty impressive.

There were now 9 minutes to play. Could the Raiders come back from this? They were only 8 goals in arrears. Alas, there seemed more likelihood of finding a recognisable piece of onion in a steak and onion Pukka Pie. And so it proved. The clock ticked down with no further scoring and the massacre was over. Craig Tribe was elected Top Banana for the Raiders and Grant Rounding with a 2+3 performance copped the Bison beers.