Sedlar Saves the Dogs from a Trousers Down Spanking

Bison 3 Sheffield Steeldogs 2

21/2/15

The Sheffield Steeldogs paid their third visit of the season to Planet Ice last night. 2 weeks ago they were outshot by 50-15 and slumped to an ignominious defeat by 6-1. Teaboy's pre-match prediction this time was a much closer 3-2, so what were we going to see? As it turned out the shot count was an almost equally unequal 60-37, but the difference this time was the Dogs’ goaltender, Dalibor Sedlar who played out of his skin and saved his team from a disaster of epic proportions. A disaster worse than the Great Fire of London 1666, the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 and the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 all rolled into one? Well no not really. At least no-one got burned, fell into a fissure or starved to death.

The 1^st period started in lively fashion and on 5 minutes Bison scored a goal which never was. We heard a sonorous clunk as a shot from Michael “Muzzy” Wales hit the post and slid along the goal line behind Sedlar. Honest Pete, the goal judge, jabbed his thumb down on the red button to light up the goal light and communicate by way of illumination that the puck had crossed the line. But he had made a mistake and admitted it to me later. I told you he was honest. The light went off. Referee Pickett had clearly seen that the puck had not crossed the line. The Bison backers, having seen the goal light go on, didn’t like the decision. Some lost their tempers and others lost their reason. Some lost their marbles and others lost the will to live.

Despite Bison’s early dominance, it was the Dogs who were to snatch the lead with a power play goal on 8 minutes. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, Bison’s balding blueliner, had been incarcerated in the house of correction which is the Barracuda Network Solutions penalty box for a trip. With only 4 seconds of the penalty remaining, Ben Morgan fed Lloyd Gibson who found acres of open ice to skate in on goal and set up a scramble at the back door. Suddenly from the melée we saw the puck sliding slowly but surely across the line from a jab by Lee Haywood. 1-0 Dogs.

On 10 minutes during another Bison assault, the Dogs’ net moved off its moorings. Had it done so by telekinesis? No. Sedlar had shifted it. The crowd didn’t like it and on the fringes of Blocks B and C both the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired Lady let their contrary opinions be known. Not contrary to each other’s of course, but contrary to the referee’s. They were united in their condemnation and their objections were delivered in a typical high volume but incomprehensible manner. The net was to move on several other occasions before the game had run its course as I shall relate, dear reader.

On 13 minutes the Dogs increased their lead through Lubomir Kohron. The Czech chap caught up a loose puck moving away from goal and in one sweeping movement he swivelled around like Jayne Torvil and let loose a wrist shot which beat Dean “Deano” Skinns for sheer pace. It was a spectacular goal. Tom Squires was elected the solitary assistant to the scorer on this occasion. 2-0 Dogs.

Moments later it should have been 1-2. As the puck entered the Dogs’ net it mysteriously moved off its moorings again. Had it been in the NHL the goal would have stood, but not in the EPL, despite referee Pickett having identified goaltender Sedlar as the moving force behind the displacement. The decision was no goal, but a 2 minute delay of game penalty to the Dogs. Bison were on the power play. Alas for the Dogs the 5 on 4 became a 5 on 3 with only 17 seconds of the power play gone. During a goalmouth scramble “Haywood stepped in to clear bodies from in front of the goal”, according to the Steeldogs website report. During his body clearing action the net moved off its moorings (again) and Haywood committed a check to the head. The referee blew his whistle. He addressed Haywood “You are a habitual criminal and have flagrantly and wantonly infringed the laws of the game. You must now suffer the consequences of your actions. You will serve a custodial sentence of 2 + 10 minutes in the penalty box, during which time you will have an opportunity to reflect upon your misdeed and emerge a reformed character ready to be of service to society.” Well he probably didn’t use those exact words, but off to the box went Haywood anyway.

Bison now had a 5 on 3. Could The Dogs 3 men keep out the Bison 5? Only a Walter Mitty fantasist, clutching at straws, mad as a hatter, living in cloud cuckoo land, having lost touch with reality and taken leave of his senses whilst dreaming a pipe dream, eating pie in the sky and throwing straws to the wind thought they could. And indeed they couldn’t. Bison swamped the Dogs’ goal and made their man advantage pay when Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino fired in at the back door. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba and Long Ciaron Long assisted. 1-2 Dogs. Imagine a Jamaican Yardie geared up to the eyeballs on ganja. The laid back mood such an individual might have displayed did not prevail in the Bison blocks. Exactly the opposite in fact. The goal caused them to become excited and animated in the extreme, just as if they had snorted a certain type of white powder . And I’m not talking about chalk dust.

There was no more scoring in the period, nor indeed in the second, thanks to the brilliance of Sedlar. He had had to stop 46 shots and had been found wanting on only a single occasion. P2 was not without incident, however. On one occasion Sedlar came way out of his crease to cover the puck. At this the Bespectacled Youth, expert on all goaltending matters, flew into an apoplectic rage, his face turning as purple as the Howling Man’s bald patch. “That’s delay of game,” he protested. “Outside the second crease.” No-one, least of all the officials, knew what he was shouting about. To add gravitas to his uttered opinion he added, “I’ve researched it!"

Bison entered P3 with a mountain to climb. Although trailing by a solitary goal, the rock solid Dalibor Sedlar must have resembled the north face of the Eiger to the Bison forwards. They were becoming as frustrated as an ASBO toting chav cast away on a desert island with no-one to annoy. Just as Arthur, the explosives “expert” from the Italian Job, managed to “blow the bloody doors off” the van (and much more), Bison needed to blow Sedlar’s doors off to convert their superiority into goals and that wasn’t looking likely to the curmudgeonlies, the naysayers, the gainsayers and glass half empty pessimists amongst the crowd. But their pessimism proved to be short lived as it was only a minute and a half into the period before Bison were to draw level. Vantroba fired in a shot on Sedlar. We heard a thud, as he pad saved. Alas for Sedlar the rebound went straight to Coach Sheppard, who drove it past the Czech chap for 2-2. To the Dogs’ fans the equalising goal was an unpleasant experience, a depressing blow, a woeful mishap, an unbridled calamity and an unfortunate contretemps, seasoned with annoyance and frustration and wrapped in a large tortilla of disappointment.

Shortly after an incident very similar to the one described above occurred. “Out of the second crease!” cried the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt as Sedlar covered the puck. To add credibility to his accusation he turned and pointed to the Bespectacled Youth and declared “He’s researched it.” Alas to no avail. No delay of game call was made.

On 46 minutes, Haywood was called for hooking. He was the player who had previously been called for head checking and clearly his spell in the box had not resulted in him emerging a reformed character ready to be of service to society, having reflected on his misdeed. The Dogs now had to present a rock solid defence against the power play. I would have liked the opportunity to compare that defending to a fine vintage claret, say a 1945 Château Laffite, poured from a Victorian cut glass decanter, but in truth it was more akin to a cloudy homebrew pale ale swilling round in a enamel mug with bits floating on top. Vantroba found Long Ciaron Long in acres of space and the latter rifled in what was to prove the winning goal with a wrist shot from the point. 3-2 Bison. Concession of the go behind goal must have made the Dogs fans want to reach for the Prozac. Their 2 goal lead had evaporated as surely as water on a red hot griddle.

Sedlar was pulled from the net at 1:11 remaining, but his counterpart Dean “Deano” Skinns made sure there was no breakthrough with two excellent saves in the dying seconds. The final buzzer sounded and it was all over. 3-2 Bison just as Teaboy had predicted (well done to him). As expected Sedlar took the Dogs’ man of the match award, while Bison’s top banana was Muzzy Wales, who is English, unlike ex Spurs footballer Mike England, who is Welsh. Confused? I am.

Out of Tune Bees Drowned Out by Bison Concerto

Bison 5 Bracknell Bees 1

14/2/15

“We all live in a yellow submarine.” So sang the Beatles as they journeyed to Pepperland to free its peace loving folk from the Blue Meanies. Well the Bracknell Bees had no such conveyance and didn’t journey to Pepperland, but instead to Bisonland where there are thankfully no Blue Meanies. If they thought they could return to the Hive with 2 points in the bag, then they should have been singing “We all live in cloud cuckoo land”. They were outplayed, outmanoeuvred, outshot and out to lunch as Bison romped to a comfortable victory and, in doing so, fulfilled Mystic Jo’s pre match prediction of a 5-1 scoreline.

Our entertainment began even before the game had even started with mascot for the night, the Boy of Steel, goaltender extraordinaire and clearly no shrinking violet, coming out with the Bison team and milking the crowd in his own imitable arm waving style as the roar of the crowd rang in his ears. Long may he do so.

With the game only 12 seconds old Bison lost Aaron “Billy” Connolly. What looked like an innocuous check resulted in Billy going down and staying down as a crowd gathered around him. Shortly after he was able to leave the ice on wobbly legs supported by two colleagues. The word came that he had been taken to hospital where concussion was diagnosed. If this is correct, then this could mean the end of Billy’s season. A great shame for this never say die player.

Bison soldiered on without A-man Connolly and had the better of the early exchanges. It looked like only a matter of time before they got the crowd singing and indeed they took the lead on 6 minutes courtesy of Lumberjack Joe Rand. He and Bison skipper Nicky Chinn were involved in a 4 man scrap for the puck on the boards behind the goal. Lumberjack Joe emerged with it and skated out in front of goal. Joe Jackson once sang a song entitled “Look Sharp”. The Bees D didn’t look sharp at all. In fact, they looked as blunt as a worn down HB pencil. No-one bothered to challenge and Rand was able to beat the Bees’ goaltender, Tom Annetts, for speed as he lifted a wrist shot over the Annetts glove short side. 1-0 Bison. It was enough to make the Bison backers burst into a rendition of “Happy”, but I saw no would be Pharrell Williams impersonators present.

There were no more goals in the period, although Cuddly Joe Greener came close in a breakway, his shot being saved by Annetts, who denied him on this occasion, but who would see Cuddly Joe put 2 past him in the 2^nd as I shall shortly relate, dear reader.

Back in ’82 Joan Jett sang a song proclaiming “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll”. What a shame she wasn’t at Planet Ice last night. There would have been no need for her to instruct her baby to put another dime in the jukebox. It was pure rock ‘n’ roll hockey from Bison, which saw them rack up 4 unanswered goals in P2. Goal no. 2, scored after a minute of the opening of the period, came from a similar behind the goal scrap as goal No. 1. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba found Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard. He in turn found Cuddly Joe Greener who scrapped for it and then emerged from the boards to a position in front of goal with Long Ciaron Long in support. But Cuddly Joe didn’t need Long Ciaron as he fired past Annetts for 2-0 Bison. Had Neil Diamond been present and a Bees fan, he might have been tempted to burst into a rendition of “Song Sung Blue”.

Shortly after Bison thought they had scored again. A shot from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba rang the post and, according to Duracell Man, a close observer of the incident, the puck slid along the line and just over before Annetts fell on it, causing a melée of epic proportions. The goal light had come on, but then went off again and no goal was awarded. Still 2-0 Bison, but not for long.

On 22 minutes it really was 3-0 Bison. Coach Sheppard set up Cuddly Joe, who skated unchallenged by the two D-men in the vicinity and flicked the puck past Annetts at close range. In the Bison blocks unmelodic but very loud celebrations burst forth. It wasn’t a case of “Strawberry Fields Forever” (and I’m not talking about the Strawberry Fields in Bramley), but rather Bison forever.

A minute later a flare up flared up causing Referee Cloutman to stop the game by blowing his whistle as opposed to firing a flare. Incarceration for Greener and Turner for roughing were imposed resulting in a 4 on 4. During this the best chance fell to Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, who broke away only to see his shot saved by an alert Annetts.

Just before the half way mark Bison scored again. Remember “Hole in my shoe”? A hit for Traffic in 1967. Well there were no holes in shoes at Planet Ice, as far as I am aware, but there was a bloody great hole in the Bees’ D. “Popeye” Wynn found Ryan “You What?” Watt on the boards. He skated in looking for an opening. Suddenly he heard the tap-tap-tap-tap sound of a demented woodpecker. But it wasn’t a woodpecker, it was Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba skating over the blue line whilst tapping his stick on the ice to attract his team-mate’s attention. Watty’s perfect pass set up Miro for a slap shot. At the end of the Morcambe and Wise show each week Janet Webb, a lady of, shall we say, ample form, used to burst between Eric and Ernie and thank the audience for watching her show. Had the goaltender possessed the physical attributes of Janet he could have blocked the goal completely. But he didn’t and couldn’t and Miro’s clapper sailed past him to bulge the net. 4-0 Bison. The Bees backers looked glum and would have been entitled to sing “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”, but didn’t, as far as I am aware.

With 4 minutes of the period remaining Bison completed their P2 4 goal blast with another from Vantroba. “Popeye” Wynn won possession of the puck on the boards and fed Michael “Muzzy” Wales. His cross ice pass found Marvellous Miroslav steaming into the slot. The balding blueliner’s one timer flew past Annetts and it was 5-0 Bison. Remember Sir Cliff Richard entertaining the Wimbledon crowd in the rain in 1996 with a cappella (acappella if you prefer) singing of his famous songs? Well had the aforementioned knight of the realm been present last night, he may have launched himself into a rendition of “Congratulations”, but thankfully he was absent. What the crowd wanted was more hockey and more goals, not Sir Cliff.

Having been outplayed and outshot by 31-9 in the first 2 periods, it was clear that the Bees’ players were not singing off the same hymn sheet. They weren’t even playing all the right notes but in the wrong order. They had to find some sort of harmony and this they did with a much better P3, outshooting Bison by 14-9. The Beatles told us “All you need is love.” The Bees didn’t need love, but they did need a goal to give their fans something to sing about and have them twisting and shouting in the aisles. This came on 51 minutes. Ivan Antonov lost control of the puck in mid ice, but recovered, skated forward and then mishit a shot through Dean “Deano” Skinns’s 5-hole for an unassisted goal. Alas Speedway Girl, holder of membership card 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society, was absent, but, had she been present, she would have felt for Deano. Never mind he performed well overall and finished with an impressive game save percentage of 0.96 (why do we say “save percentage” when it’s always expressed as a decimal?)

As the end of P3 approached, the fat lady was practicing her scales. Now she was required to do her thing. Strains of “Goodnight Vienna” began to fill the Basingstoke Arena. But this was drowned out by the traditional rendition of “The Great Escape” emanating from the Bison blocks at high volume. The final buzzer sounded to bring an end to the proceedings.

Top Bananas were Dangerous Danny Ingoldsby, who had enjoyed a feisty game, putting himself about a bit, and Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba with a 2+1 game from the blue line. The crowd departing singing the praises of their heroes.

Steeldogs Lack Steel

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 1

7/2/15

Remember Wet Wet Wet? Amongst their many hits was a song entitled “Sweet Surrender”. At Planet Ice last night there was a surrender of sorts, but more of a sour one than a sweet one, as the Dogs capitulated and slumped to an ignominious defeat. Had they been able to find a white flag, they would have hoisted it, but none could be found and the punishment went unabated. The Dogs lost the game on the back of ill discipline with 40 minutes of penalties and shooting so “couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo” that they mustered only 15 shots on target in the whole game. In contrast Bison managed 50 and the differential of 35 shots is the greatest margin in the EPL this season.

Ill discipline? Surely not the Dogs. Yes the Dogs. It took only 3 seconds for them to get a call for penalty no.1. The unsavoury Craig Elliott cross checked. Referee Thompson said “Go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect £200”. Elliott did not advance to Trafalgar Square, nor was he assessed for street repairs, nor did he collect £10 for second prize in a beauty contest, but did indeed go directly to jail. Just over a minute into the power play Bison landed on Mayfair. Fed by Long Ciaron Long, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino dropped a pass to Aaron “Billy” Connolly and the latter beat Dalibor Sedlar in the Dog’s net with an accurately placed wrist shot. 1-0 Bison. Despite the absences of both the Howling Man and the vuvuzela toting member of Trio Polskie, the goal was greeted with a deafening crescendo of noise.

On 4 minutes indiscipline cost the Dogs another goal. We witnessed a seemingly unprovoked assault by Callum Pattison on Michael “Muzzy” Wales. The former cross checked the latter from behind, sending the aforesaid latter sprawling to the ice and then assaulted him as he adopted a turtle-esque bodily shape. “Oi, matey,” said Mr. Thompson, “that’s bang out of order” and instantly slapped a 2 + 10 on Pattison. Just over a minute into the 5 on 4 Cuddly Joe Greener was set up by “Billy” Connolly to fire in a slap shot from the point. Sedlar saved the effort, but failed to engulf the puck. Lumberjack Joe Rand managed to force the rebound over the line. On came the red light (not Roxanne’s) and there was the referee’s flat hand pointing netwards for all to see. The shining beacon of light with the referee’s gesture confirmed it was 2-0 Bison. Had there been present a bunch of Bison backing, bellicose, beefy  builders from Beacon Bottom they would have bellowed boisterously and bunged bricks into the air. Just as well they were absent.

On 12 minutes Greener was in on goal, but his shot was saved. He was then cross checked from behind and sent sprawling onto an already prostrate goaltender. “Interference,” bellowed Mr. Thompson. “2 minutes in the box for you, Cuddly Joe”. Penalty on Greener? What? Yes it was. Advantage to the Dogs. Or was it? Well no, as it proved, as inside a minute of the penalty Bison grabbed that ignominious goal of all goals - a shortie. The goal was made for Long Ciaron Long by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. In Wacky Races Professor Pat Pending’s Convert-a-car could transform itself to avoid or overcome obstacles. Tomas Karpov cannot do this, but on this occasion he had no need as the Dogs' D behaved as if it wasn’t there at all and provided no obstacle to block the Czech chap’s run on goal. There was a bit of a melée in front of goal, as Karpov slipped a pass to Long Ciaron, who forced it in. 3-0 Bison. At 3 goals to the bad, 2 power play goals and a shortie conceded, and only 13 minutes played, the Dogs were reeling like a 7 stone weakling hit by a humdinging  haymaker thrown by Mike Tyson.

Worse was to come. Indiscipline combined with Sedlar’s inability to make like an amoeba and extend his bodily form around pucks and thereby engulf shots once again cost the Dogs dear. With 49 seconds on the P1 clock remaining Bison bagged yet another power play goal, the Dogs having been called for too many imports on the ice. Set up by Rand, Long fired in a shot, which was saved, but, alas for the Dogs, the puck bounced away from the rubber-esque Sedlar straight to a lurking Greener, who fired in over the hapless netman’s pad. 4-0 Bison.

As the end of P1 buzzer sounded, the Dogs looked as shocked as a stripper who had popped out of a cake and found herself in the middle of a Salvation Army convention. The Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A bumped into Coach André Payette on the way back to his kennel and enquired in the politest possible way, as only he can,  how the coach thought it was going on a scale of 1 to 10. The coach declined to select a number and it is surprising that our old friend the Rabble Rouser is still alive as he was shot an “if looks could kill” look. As Payette didn’t, I’ll select some numbers. With a performance rating of 1, the Dogs were occupying 3rd place in a 2 team contest. They trailed 0-4 and they had been comprehensively outplayed and outshot by 18-7. Their chances of winning were now looking as dead as a highwayman dangling from a gallows on Tyburn Hill circa 1750. Payette’s own contribution had been comical. No wonder he looked both thunderous and chunderous. He is a shadow of the player he never was and his forays onto the ice now seem to last for 30 seconds at the most, during which time he stares at opponents, barges into them, taps them with his stick and engages in other acts of provocation, which are mostly ignored. Then he exits to the bench. Well why not? It’s tiring standing still for 30 seconds. We have to look elsewhere if we want to see speed skating and silky stick handling skills.

P2 opened and closed 20 minutes later without further scoring, but was again completely and utterly dominated by Bison. The shot count was 22-3 in their favour, but Sedlar was as good in this period as he had been poor in P1.

And so into the final period we passed. The Dogs at last bagged a goal on 44 minutes. With Long Ciaron banged up, in the slammer, doing choky and up the river all at once, an Ashley Calvert slap shot from the point found its way past Skinns. 4-1 Bison. The goal was set up by Andrew Hirst and Ben Morgan. Gestures of delight were seen and celebratory noises were heard emanating from the block housing those who had travelled from the frozen wastes of the north.

Could the Dogs launch a comeback from here? It didn’t look likely. They seemed to be playing without belief. Bison continued to power forward and their best chance to increase their lead before they actually did (see below) came in the 52nd minute when “Billy” Connolly set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba for a pile driver of a slap shot, which rang the goal frame. Bison hadn’t scored for 33 minutes, despite the Dogs’ best efforts to allow them to do so. Could they find a way past Sedlar, who, unlike his team-mates, was doing his best to keep Bison out? Eventually the thin red line (or more correctly black line), which was Dalibor Sedlar, was breached. On 53 minutes a giveaway allowed Karpov to barrel in on goal, deke and score unassisted. 5-1 Bison.

Shortly after Payette went after Ryan “You What” Watt, who, on this occasion, didn't fancy a punch up, which seems now to be Payette's only reamining hockey "skill". Watt wasn’t going to rise to the bait and held his stick out as the advancing and menacing Payette advanced menacingly. The officials stepped in and gave 2 slashing and 2 high sticks (attempted spearing would have sounded better in my view) penalties to Watt and a 2 cross checking penalty to Payette.

It seemed bizarre that the Dogs had ended up with a power play, but so they had. However, they could not take advantage and the 5 on 4 turned into a 4 on 4 when Janis Ozolins received a 2 + 10 for checking to the head a minute later. When Watt’s penalty ended Bison went on the power play for 1:06 and made it count with a minute of the game to play. Rand won a face off in the Dogs defensive zone. The puck broke to Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, who slotted in for 6-1 Bison. Had Charles Aznavour been present and a Bison fan he might have been moved to shout “Magnifique!” in recognition of “Popeye’s” cool finish and he may have even burst into a characteristically warbling rendition of “She”, but thankfully he wasn’t. The goal caused the Dogs faithful to instantly turn into Les Miserables. Their torture, heartache, sorrow, distress and wretchedness was to last only another minute before the Fat Lady burst into song to signal an end to their melancholy, suffering, gloom, worry and despair. Their captain Steve Duncombe, the best of a bad bunch, received the top banana award. Bison’s beers went to Aaron "Billy" Connolly. The Bearded Rabble Rouser's enquiry of Coach Payette remained unanswered.