Bison Do the Stinging as Bees Can Only Bumble

Bison 4 Bracknell Bees 0

31/1/15

The Bracknell Bees, who languish bottom of the EPL pile with a dismal record of 7 wins and 26 defeats so far this season and a chunderous run of 14 consecutive league road defeats, came to Planet Ice last night in hope of a change in their fortunes. Could the Bees resist a resurgent Bison? Allow me a small digression. Imagine a combination of shredded pousin, halloumi and chopped brède tompouce, seasoned with allspice and arrowroot, the whole being wrapped in filo pastry, then lightly brushed with linoleic sunflower oil before being placed in a pre heated oven at 350°F for 20 minutes until golden brown and crispy. Could this delicate culinary delight resist the crushing force of being sat on by the Rabble Rouser of Block A? No! And neither could the Bees resist the crushing force of a rampant Bison, who outshot the Bracknell bumblers by 38 to 20 and ran out comfortable 4-0 winners.

The goalless scoreline was consigned to the bin in the 6^th minute. From behind Bison’s blue line Declan Balmer served the puck to Long Ciaron Long, lurking Bison side of the red line. Long Ciaron skated forward along the boards all the way to the goal line and beyond. From behind the net he set up Cuddly Joe Greener idling at the top of the crease. The Greener stick met the puck and snapped it in. 1-0 Bison. The goal made the Bison backers jump for joy over the moon to infinity and beyond. Their celebrations went inter-stellar and were Jupeterian in magnitude. Some unwrapped Mars and Milky Way bars to celebrate. “The sky’s the limit,” they shouted. Was their team about to reach for the stars team and go where no man had gone before?

Bison continued to press, but could not increase their lead before the end of P1, despite dominating play. Never mind they went into the interval with a lead, which they never relinquished. And it didn’t take long on recommencement of hostilities for them to increase their lead and what a cracker of a set up pass to fashion the opportunity we saw. A shot from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba was wide of the mark. The Bees goaltender, Alex Mettam went behind his net and shot the puck around the boards, looking for a team mate. Alas for Mettam the puck went straight to Coach Doug Sheppard, who stopped it dead before rifling a diagonal pass, incredible in terms of speed, length and accuracy, straight to Long Ciaron Long at the back door. It appeared that Long Ciaron might have been the sufferer of undesirable malodorous qualities as there were no Bees wanting to get near him. He one timed a snap shot through the sizeable gap between netman and post and it was 2-0 Bison. He was warmly embraced by his team mates thus quashing the theory of malodor. The absence of Bees D-men to challenge him had been down merely to rank defending. Had the Bison crowd shot their bolt after the raucous manner with which the previous goal had been greeted? Fie and pish NO! Long Ciaron’s goal was greeted by an outburst of enthusiasm which propelled the hang the consequences Bison backers with their red raw larynxes to previously unattained heights of celebration.

So 2-0 to the good after 22 minutes and all was looking fine and dandy for Bison. Alas the game slowed and chances became few. It was not surprising, therefore, that the period was seen out with no further scoring.

Going into the 3^rd period Bison were well worth their 2-0 lead. However, such a lead is never comfortable and, as all hockey fans know, a couple of goals can be scored in a matter of seconds. Bison needed to regain the upper hand and turn that superiority into goals. This they did and it took them only 5 minutes to bag their third, a power play goal. On 44 minutes Josh Tetlow clipped Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, causing him to rotate in an unnatural fashion. “Oi! You can’t do that,” said the referee. “Take a trip to the box”. The dictionary definition of trip is “a journey, voyage or run made by a boat, train, bus or the like between two points”. In this case there was no vehicle involved, but Tetlow did voyage between two points, namely the ice and the penalty box bench. A minute into the 5 on 4 and it was 3-0 Bison. Scrapping for the puck behind the goal line, Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and Cuddly Joe Greener found Lumberjack Joe Rand, also behind the goal line. Rand took the puck out in front. Remember Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west? Of course you do. Benny Hill’s finest hour. If you recall, Ernie was done by the concrete hardened crust of a stale pork pie, thrown by Two Ton Ted from Teddington, which caught him in the eye. Well the Bees faithful must have been hoping that their D could show the same hard, resistant qualities of Ted’s stale pork pie’s crust, but alas they couldn’t. Far from it in fact. No-one at all challenged Rand and he was left free to pick his spot. Instead of feinting from the shock receiving no challenge, he fired the puck past a hideously exposed Mettam.

For their team to be 3-0 ahead and cruising wasn’t enough for the Bison backers. Their lust for blood had risen. They wanted a blood letting. They bayed for more blood to be spilled on the carpet. They wanted Bison to go for the jugular, sink their teeth into the Bracknell neck and bleed them white. Bloody hell! And only a minute after goal no. 3 they got the blood they were looking for. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds passed out of defence to Long Ciaron Long whose slap shot from the point was tipped in by the twig of Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. 4-0 Bison.

Bison’s 4th goal ensured that the Bees now stood as much chance of winning the game as someone had of living beyond the end of the week after annoying the Boston Strangler, Dr. Crippen and Jack the Ripper all at once.  All seemed lost. The Bees had lost control and lost their way. The struggle had been lost and winning the game was now a lost chance. The players looked like lost souls, lost in contemplation, while their fans had lost their faith, lost their tempers and some had even lost their marbles. Their team had lost out and looked like little boys lost. It was a lost cause.

The period was played out in much the same pattern of Bison dominance. As the minutes ticked away and the Bees looked ever increasingly unlikely to score, one of the Good Time Girls committed the cardinal sin of mentioning the dreaded “S” word. However, for some inexplicable reason the shut out was not jinxed by the utterance and Dean “Deano” Skinns had his clean sheet. The period ended and Bison were the victors in this rather one sided joust. Ivan Antonov was crowned best Bee and Long was elected Bison’s capital combatant.