Sedlar Saves the Dogs from a Trousers Down Spanking

Bison 3 Sheffield Steeldogs 2

21/2/15

The Sheffield Steeldogs paid their third visit of the season to Planet Ice last night. 2 weeks ago they were outshot by 50-15 and slumped to an ignominious defeat by 6-1. Teaboy's pre-match prediction this time was a much closer 3-2, so what were we going to see? As it turned out the shot count was an almost equally unequal 60-37, but the difference this time was the Dogs’ goaltender, Dalibor Sedlar who played out of his skin and saved his team from a disaster of epic proportions. A disaster worse than the Great Fire of London 1666, the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 and the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 all rolled into one? Well no not really. At least no-one got burned, fell into a fissure or starved to death.

The 1^st period started in lively fashion and on 5 minutes Bison scored a goal which never was. We heard a sonorous clunk as a shot from Michael “Muzzy” Wales hit the post and slid along the goal line behind Sedlar. Honest Pete, the goal judge, jabbed his thumb down on the red button to light up the goal light and communicate by way of illumination that the puck had crossed the line. But he had made a mistake and admitted it to me later. I told you he was honest. The light went off. Referee Pickett had clearly seen that the puck had not crossed the line. The Bison backers, having seen the goal light go on, didn’t like the decision. Some lost their tempers and others lost their reason. Some lost their marbles and others lost the will to live.

Despite Bison’s early dominance, it was the Dogs who were to snatch the lead with a power play goal on 8 minutes. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, Bison’s balding blueliner, had been incarcerated in the house of correction which is the Barracuda Network Solutions penalty box for a trip. With only 4 seconds of the penalty remaining, Ben Morgan fed Lloyd Gibson who found acres of open ice to skate in on goal and set up a scramble at the back door. Suddenly from the melée we saw the puck sliding slowly but surely across the line from a jab by Lee Haywood. 1-0 Dogs.

On 10 minutes during another Bison assault, the Dogs’ net moved off its moorings. Had it done so by telekinesis? No. Sedlar had shifted it. The crowd didn’t like it and on the fringes of Blocks B and C both the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired Lady let their contrary opinions be known. Not contrary to each other’s of course, but contrary to the referee’s. They were united in their condemnation and their objections were delivered in a typical high volume but incomprehensible manner. The net was to move on several other occasions before the game had run its course as I shall relate, dear reader.

On 13 minutes the Dogs increased their lead through Lubomir Kohron. The Czech chap caught up a loose puck moving away from goal and in one sweeping movement he swivelled around like Jayne Torvil and let loose a wrist shot which beat Dean “Deano” Skinns for sheer pace. It was a spectacular goal. Tom Squires was elected the solitary assistant to the scorer on this occasion. 2-0 Dogs.

Moments later it should have been 1-2. As the puck entered the Dogs’ net it mysteriously moved off its moorings again. Had it been in the NHL the goal would have stood, but not in the EPL, despite referee Pickett having identified goaltender Sedlar as the moving force behind the displacement. The decision was no goal, but a 2 minute delay of game penalty to the Dogs. Bison were on the power play. Alas for the Dogs the 5 on 4 became a 5 on 3 with only 17 seconds of the power play gone. During a goalmouth scramble “Haywood stepped in to clear bodies from in front of the goal”, according to the Steeldogs website report. During his body clearing action the net moved off its moorings (again) and Haywood committed a check to the head. The referee blew his whistle. He addressed Haywood “You are a habitual criminal and have flagrantly and wantonly infringed the laws of the game. You must now suffer the consequences of your actions. You will serve a custodial sentence of 2 + 10 minutes in the penalty box, during which time you will have an opportunity to reflect upon your misdeed and emerge a reformed character ready to be of service to society.” Well he probably didn’t use those exact words, but off to the box went Haywood anyway.

Bison now had a 5 on 3. Could The Dogs 3 men keep out the Bison 5? Only a Walter Mitty fantasist, clutching at straws, mad as a hatter, living in cloud cuckoo land, having lost touch with reality and taken leave of his senses whilst dreaming a pipe dream, eating pie in the sky and throwing straws to the wind thought they could. And indeed they couldn’t. Bison swamped the Dogs’ goal and made their man advantage pay when Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino fired in at the back door. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba and Long Ciaron Long assisted. 1-2 Dogs. Imagine a Jamaican Yardie geared up to the eyeballs on ganja. The laid back mood such an individual might have displayed did not prevail in the Bison blocks. Exactly the opposite in fact. The goal caused them to become excited and animated in the extreme, just as if they had snorted a certain type of white powder . And I’m not talking about chalk dust.

There was no more scoring in the period, nor indeed in the second, thanks to the brilliance of Sedlar. He had had to stop 46 shots and had been found wanting on only a single occasion. P2 was not without incident, however. On one occasion Sedlar came way out of his crease to cover the puck. At this the Bespectacled Youth, expert on all goaltending matters, flew into an apoplectic rage, his face turning as purple as the Howling Man’s bald patch. “That’s delay of game,” he protested. “Outside the second crease.” No-one, least of all the officials, knew what he was shouting about. To add gravitas to his uttered opinion he added, “I’ve researched it!"

Bison entered P3 with a mountain to climb. Although trailing by a solitary goal, the rock solid Dalibor Sedlar must have resembled the north face of the Eiger to the Bison forwards. They were becoming as frustrated as an ASBO toting chav cast away on a desert island with no-one to annoy. Just as Arthur, the explosives “expert” from the Italian Job, managed to “blow the bloody doors off” the van (and much more), Bison needed to blow Sedlar’s doors off to convert their superiority into goals and that wasn’t looking likely to the curmudgeonlies, the naysayers, the gainsayers and glass half empty pessimists amongst the crowd. But their pessimism proved to be short lived as it was only a minute and a half into the period before Bison were to draw level. Vantroba fired in a shot on Sedlar. We heard a thud, as he pad saved. Alas for Sedlar the rebound went straight to Coach Sheppard, who drove it past the Czech chap for 2-2. To the Dogs’ fans the equalising goal was an unpleasant experience, a depressing blow, a woeful mishap, an unbridled calamity and an unfortunate contretemps, seasoned with annoyance and frustration and wrapped in a large tortilla of disappointment.

Shortly after an incident very similar to the one described above occurred. “Out of the second crease!” cried the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt as Sedlar covered the puck. To add credibility to his accusation he turned and pointed to the Bespectacled Youth and declared “He’s researched it.” Alas to no avail. No delay of game call was made.

On 46 minutes, Haywood was called for hooking. He was the player who had previously been called for head checking and clearly his spell in the box had not resulted in him emerging a reformed character ready to be of service to society, having reflected on his misdeed. The Dogs now had to present a rock solid defence against the power play. I would have liked the opportunity to compare that defending to a fine vintage claret, say a 1945 Château Laffite, poured from a Victorian cut glass decanter, but in truth it was more akin to a cloudy homebrew pale ale swilling round in a enamel mug with bits floating on top. Vantroba found Long Ciaron Long in acres of space and the latter rifled in what was to prove the winning goal with a wrist shot from the point. 3-2 Bison. Concession of the go behind goal must have made the Dogs fans want to reach for the Prozac. Their 2 goal lead had evaporated as surely as water on a red hot griddle.

Sedlar was pulled from the net at 1:11 remaining, but his counterpart Dean “Deano” Skinns made sure there was no breakthrough with two excellent saves in the dying seconds. The final buzzer sounded and it was all over. 3-2 Bison just as Teaboy had predicted (well done to him). As expected Sedlar took the Dogs’ man of the match award, while Bison’s top banana was Muzzy Wales, who is English, unlike ex Spurs footballer Mike England, who is Welsh. Confused? I am.