Hat-trick Hero Hook can’t Halt Homesters’ Hurrah

Bison 5 Milton Keynes Lightning 4

2/9/15

Can anyone name 3 people called Milton, Keynes and Lightning? I can, so here goes. John Milton, English poet and author of Paradise Lost. John Maynard Keynes, economist whose ideas fundamentally affected the theory and practice of modern macroeconomics – you knew that didn’t you? Lightning is a bit more difficult. Let’s go for Lightning Hopkins, blues singer, guitarist and songwriter from Houston, Texas. What have these 3 people to do with last night’s game between the Basingstoke Bison and the Milton Keynes Lightning? Nothing at all. But do read on, dear reader, as you may find the following paragraphs more relevant.

The 1^st period ended scoreless, which was hardly surprising as the shot count was only 5 on each goal. It was, however, played in a robust competitive fashion, which inevitably ended up with 2 unsavoury incidents, both involving Grant McPherson. McPherson’s first pugilistic opponent was Cuddly Joe Greener, following the delivery of a snow shower by Glenn Billing on new Bison goaltender Tomas Hiadlovsky. The first mentioned pair seemed willing to go and indeed they did go but only to the penalty box without anything meaty being thrown. If the crowd wanted meat, and raw meat at that, they got it 5 minutes later when again McPherson, who seemed to want to fight the whole world, was involved in an unseemly altercation with Long Ciaron Long. Actual punches were thrown but the contest was over almost as soon as it had started and the pugilists were addressed by the referee. “I can’t send you to Wormwood Scrubs for 10 years for that unfortunately,” he said. “But I can send you to the penalty box for 2 minutes. Off you go then.”

There was nearly a short handed goal at the end of the period. With new Bison skipper, Aaron “Billy” Connolly, doing time, MK turned over the puck to Lumberjack Joe Rand, who barreled in on old teammate Dean Skinns in the MK net. Had Deano possessed the bulk of Uncle Bulgaria, he could have blocked the goal completely, but no Womble was Deano and he couldn’t. However, he did a great job of making himself as large as possible and Joe, trying to find the top corner, missed. 0-0 it remained and so ended the 1^st with nothing on the scoreboard. It had been a robust, rugged, rough and raunchy period, played boisterously, blusterously, belligerently and barbarously with fights but no goals. Were we to see the deadlock broken in P2? Yes we were.

Bison snatched the lead on 26 minutes. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov fed the puck to Stuart “The Cat” Mogg just inside the blue line. Moggie sent a wrist shot into the crowd of players obscuring the goaltender’s view, not expecting it to actually go in. But go in it did and it was 1-0 Bison. Moggie looked more surprised than anyone. The goal caused the Greek observer in Block F to exclaim “Είναι ένας στόχος”. (Stick that into Google Translator if you like).

MK laboured hard for an equaliser and, although they got one on 37 minutes, parity endured for a depressingly short period of time, as far as the MK faithful were concerned, as Bison struck back immediately. Let us deal with the MK goal first. Set up by Rene Jarolin, as opposed to Irene Janolin who may be his wife or grandma I don’t know, Leigh Jamieson shot through a screen of players and in for 1-1. But Bison came back immediately and scored their second go ahead goal only 20 seconds of playing time later. Don’t ask me to describe it, as I was still scribbling the details of the MK goal when it was scored. I was relying on the Man with 3 Ear-rings and Tony the Tiger to furnish me with a description of the goal, but neither could. Suffice it to say that the scorer was Long Ciaron Long assisted by J.J. Pitchley, the man with initials but no name, apart from his surname of course, and Cuddly Joe Greener. 2-1 Bison. The goal caused the Bison crowd to throw off the manacles of modesty as maniacal, if not mechanical, merriment made manifest.

MK were not to be kept down and leveled it once more on 42 minutes. Hook skated in, delayed his shot, picked his spot and then fired a wrist shot past Hiadlovsky. 2-2.

Bison went ahead again on 46 minutes. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds at full stretch brilliantly stopped the puck on the blue line thus preventing it from leaving the zone. He gave it to Karpov, who embarked on one of his characteristic round the back of the goal charges. The Czech chap emerged at the back door and tried a shot which Skinns saved with his pad. Whilst stroking his fluffy white cat, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, arch enemy of 007, reputedly said, “Good evening Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting you.” That’s where the similarity ends in this scenario because Deano didn’t have a fluffy white cat to stroke and he certainly wasn’t expecting Ryan “You What” Watt, who appeared at the back door to snap the puck home. 3-2 Bison, exactly the final score predicted by Teaboy, who was now praying for a cessation of scoring. He was to be disappointed.

On 50 minutes a double delay of game penalty was issued to Karpov and Clements. The incident was off the puck so I cannot comment with any degree of accuracy what actions the aforementioned errant duo indulged in to attract the ire of the referee. Mutual hectoring, jostling and slashing were mentioned by others, but by the time I swung my head around I was too late to observe any of these. Officialdom had observed inappropriate behaviour from these two, however, and to the box the miscreants went. MK took advantage of the additional space created by the ensuing 4 on 4 and caught Bison on the break as they were changing on the fly. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg came over the wall and frantically skated across to turn a 2 on 0 into a 2 on 1, but he couldn’t prevent Chamberlain from getting his shot off. Hiadlovsky turned it aside with his stick, but alas the puck went straight to Hook who hammered home for 3-3. Chamberlain was awarded the assist. Was that Neville Chamberlain, the Prime Minister who famously waved a piece of paper? No it was Bobby Chamberlain. 

Bison snatched the lead once more in the 52^nd minute with a power play goal. Ralfs Circenis, the man whose first name suggests that there are two of him, was tripped by Lewis Christie, who was glad that there was only one Ralfs Circenis or his job of stopping him/them would have been made doubly difficult. The referee may have not gone as far as calling Christie a “dastardly cad”, but he obviously thought he was one because he sent him to the penalty box to reflect upon his misdeed and start a spiritual journey on a path towards atonement and redemption. Alas for Christie he had only 4 seconds of reflection before Bison’s 4^th go ahead goal postponed his spiritual journey in that aforesaid place of atonement. Mogg and Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird combined and one of them (officially it was Mogg but the Man of Steel was convinced it was Baird) fired a shot goalwards. It was going high and wide until Lumberjack Joe Rand thrust his stick into the path of the puck and deflected it in. 4-3 Bison.

With 5 minutes remaining MK pegged it back once more. Marko Luomala drew Hiadlovsky, but, instead of shooting himself (not with a gun of course), he fired an across the crease pass to Lewis Hook at the back door. Hook didn’t hook his shot, but fired it through the gap and past the committed Slovak stopper to complete a well taken hat-trick. Well done to him. 4-4. It certainly was proving to be a ding dong encounter. Was there to be a winning goal or would the game end on parity, there being no facility for overtime or a shoot out in this “friendly” match. Yes there was and it was the home team who bagged it in the last minute, as I shall relate, dear reader.

The deadly combination of Mogg, Baird and Rand produced an almost carbon copy of Bison goal no. 4. Mogg slewed a pass across to his D buddy Baird, who fired in a slap shot towards goal. Just as Francisco Scaramanga was the “Man with the Golden Gun”, Rand is the man with the golden touch (golden redirect doesn’t sound right, does it?). As he did for his first goal he dangled his twig and deflected the Baird shot past a hapless Skinns. Skinns was skinned. 5-4 Bison and 50 seconds later it was all over.

Top bananas were Hook, scorer of a second successive hat-trick at Planet Ice, and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg with 3 points including a goal from the D. Well done to them.