Wildcats More Fluffy Than Frightening

Bison 5 Swindon Wildcats 1

25/10/15

Both teams were looking for a 4 point weekend on the backs of victories the previous evening. Whereas Bison enjoyed a hard fought 3-2 road win at the Sheffield Steeldogs, the Cats were busy turning Guildford’s Gregg Rockman, leading save percentage goaltender in the EPL, into a chunk of Swiss cheese. The hapless netman faced 8 shots and let in 5 goals before being pulled, the Cats eventually running out impressive 7-4 winners. So who would grab the 2 points on offer to complete a 4 point weekend? It would be Bison in what turned out to be a surprisingly one sided game.

It didn’t look like it was going to be one sided in the 2^nd minute when the Cats took the lead in a 2 on 1 raid on the Bison net. Corey McEwan broke from centre ice drifted wide to the goaltender’s right to open up space and then squared the puck to Sam Bullas at the back door. A hung out to dry Tomas Hiadlovsky had no hope, no prayer, no chance and no salvation as Sam Bullas slammed the puck between goaltender and post. 0-1 Cats.

2 minutes later Ryan “You What” Watt hooked. A loud sonorous blast emanated from the referee’s whistle. “You can’t do that, old chap,” said the referee. “You must face the consequences of your actions and serve a custodial sentence”. Watt did his porridge as his team successfully defended the power play and only 8 seconds after he had emerged from the box, doubtless a reformed character full of contrition and with no intention of reoffending (oh really?), Bison levelled it. Long Ciaron Long’s shot was saved by Jordan Hedley, but, much to the unfortunate netminder’s chagrin, the puck spilled into the ice in front of him. The situation which developed as a consequence could be described as a chaotic ruckus, a turbulent hullabaloo or an uproarious brouhaha (yes that’s a real word) or even all three occurring at once. Someone had to get the puck in or away. Alas for Hedley and his frantic team mates it was Cuddly Joe Greener who had the last say as he forced the puck over the line for 1-1.

The Bison backers had to wait another 10 minutes to see their team snatch a go-ahead goal. Greener was involved in this one as well. He battled hard on the boards to keep the puck and then slid a pass towards the other wing where an unseen or possibly a seen but ignored by the Cats’ D Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, with a goal and a Man of the Match award from the previous evening at the Dogs’ kennel, was marauding forward with the velocity of a puma dosed up to the eyeballs on speed. He shot. Did the Jordan Hedley have the X factor to keep out Mogg’s effort? There was a “X” involved, but, sadly for the Cats’ faithful it was more X certificate than X factor as the puck bounced off Hedley’s shoulder and into the net. His attempt to provide the blocking power of a slab of granite, a steel reinforced door and a dietarily challenged man four feet wide all rolled into one had failed in a most ignominious fashion. He must have been as embarrassed as a man whose hair piece is carried off by a marauding golden eagle on a crowded beach. Another goal for Moggie and a red face for Hedley. 2-1 Bison.

The period ended with no further adjustments to the score board. It had been an even period with 27 shots equally shared (well almost – I mean if they were that would mean 13 and a half shots on goal each, but how can you have half a shot on goal? See footnote). It was actually 14-13 in Bison’s favour.

With a solitary goal separating the two sides it was there for the taking for whoever wanted it. And it appeared that it was Bison who did as they dominated P2, firing in 12 on target shots. According to the official stats, the Cats managed zero for the period. Really? I am sure I saw Hiadlovsky making saves. Maybe the man who counts the shots had fallen asleep. It wasn’t you Honest Pete, was it? Or maybe it was I who fell asleep and dreamed the Hiadlovsky saves.  Be that as it may I was certainly awake when Bison bagged another couple of goals to move into a commanding lead. The first came on 21 minutes and the scorer was Long Ciaron Long with a superb pick-your-spot snipe. Set up by Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, Long Ciaron broke forward and barrelled in on goal. The Cats’ D skating back in an attempt to catch and dispossess the generously bearded Bison forward moved no faster than a snail, even one pursued through the kitchen by a French chef armed with a sharp knife. Long Ciaron was not to be caught. He steadied himself and then fired low through the gap between the goaltender’s glove and the post. 3-1 Bison.

 6 minutes later it was 4-1. Lumberjack Joe Rand set up Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for a slap shot from just inside the blue line. Once again Hedley failed to engulf the puck but allowed it to rebound away from him and into a place of danger from where Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson bundled it in without so much as a bleat. Only Reynolds was awarded an assist. I have no idea why Rand wasn’t awarded one or even a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee. He deserved both.

Corey McEwan’s evening was about to end. His high stick caught Reynolds in the kisser and off he went with a 5 + game misconduct. Now the Cats had a 5 minute power play to defend. They stifled Bison’s efforts to score. The home team became as frustrated as a man whose plastic knife and fork had just snapped as he tried to eat a Pukka Pie on a bendy paper plate resting on his lap (been there?). There was no way through and the 5 minute power play came to an end without Hedley’s pipes being breached.

Consider the hard caramelised sugar topping of a crème brûlée. It is difficult to believe that this started out as a heap of white granulated sugar. At 1-4 to the bad and unable to test Hiadlovsky on a single occasion in the 2^nd, the Cats had to undergo a transformation of similar magnitude and turn into a team which looked like it wanted to win the game. However, although they did manage a handful of shots in P3, they ceded the majority of possession to the homesters and they remained more granulated than caramelised. Finally Bison grabbed an icing on the cake, cherry on top goal in the 54^th minute. They had their cake and ate it. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov drove towards goal and passed inside to Aaron “Billy” Connolly, who set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba at the back door. Miro fired in for 5-1 Bison.

Harry Houdini’s most extraordinary spectacle was undoubtedly the "Chinese Water Torture Cell." During his lifetime and for many years after, he was the only man to perform this escape or anything quite like it. In this trick he had to extract himself from a contraption resembling a fish tank. This was filled with water. Houdini with his feet manacled would then be lowered head first into the tank in full view of the audience. See below. It is difficult to imagine how he could possibly escape, but escape he did - every night. To get something from last night’s game the Cats now had to perform an escape of equal daring and seeming impossibility. All they need was 4 goals in less than 6 minutes. Well it wasn’t just seemingly impossible, it was actually impossible. They failed.

 

The final buzzer sounded, but not before we had not yet seen a final drama. This occurred in the final minute in the form of an outrageous altercation of the most virulent and vitriolic variety. What kicks these things off nobody who is not directly involved can say. And as I wasn’t, I can’t. All I can say is that I saw Cuddly Joe Greener exchanging views with the Cats’ bench in a forthright manner. Their confrontation suggested a lack of agreement over whatever issue they may have been discussing, just as surely as Karl Marx and Alan Sugar would fail to find common ground. Suddenly all hell broke loose as Cuddly Joe launched himself in a pugilistic fashion at the members of the bench. Then Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird joined in and so did Matt Selby and Carlo Finnucci. Neil Liddiard was seen to fall to the ice as if the recipient of a Mike Tyson haymaker. Had someone laid him out? When the dust settled all 5 miscreants found themselves in the house of correction, but almost certainly none of them emerged corrected.

Top Bananas were Jan Costal and Aaron “Billy” Connolly. They shoot horses, don’t they? Maybe they should have shot the visiting supporters to end their suffering. It must have been a dismal night for the Cats’ faithful.

Footnote : Could you have half a shot on goal if a slapshot is so ferociously hit that the puck splits in half, one half going wide and the other being saved by the goaltender?

Connolly Empty Netter Leaves the Librarians Feeling Empty

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 3

16/10/15

The Flames must hate Bison. They have lost 6 games in total this season and 4 of those have been inflicted by the Basingstoke ice men. Last night’s defeat was ignominious in the extreme with the Flames going in at the first buzzer 3-1 to the good and looking good and retaining a lead until the 54^th minute when a 2 goal blast in 20 seconds snatched it away from them. An empty netter drove the final nail into the Librarians’ coffin, as I shall relate, dear reader.

The game opened in extraordinary fashion for Matic Kralj, who played in the 2002-03 season in Lubbock, Texas for the Cotton Kings. Lubbock is where Buddy Holly came from – thought you’d like to know the connection. How do you pronounce his name? Kralj that is, not Holly. Well it’s certainly not Craldge. Just think of an aristocrat saying “Battle of the OK Coral”, but the last word as a single syllable with a long “a”. Am I going to write anything about the game or is it all going to be rubbish like this? Let’s move on…..

The game was in its infancy, indeed barely an embryo of a contest, when Kralj was called for interference. He served his time, emerged from the box and within 35 seconds he had a goal and an assist to his name. Had he punched someone immediately after the second goal he could have recorded the fastest Gordy Howe hat-trick (a goal, an assist and a fight) ever seen, but he declined to indulge in pugilism and so the Gordy hat-trick remained unscored. First the goal. It was a flowing break out move involving Tom Duggan and Matt Towe with Kralj finishing with a whipped wrist shot from the goaltender’s right. 1-0 Flames and only 2:21 on the clock.

On 2:48 things got worse for Bison. Kralj played with the puck behind the net looking for a pass. He fired the puck out in front of the net where Piatak snapped it in past a startled Tomas Hiadlovsky in the Bison goal. 2-0 Flames and black armbands were being donned by the naysayers in the Bison blocks.

A minute later Jez Lundin was adjudged to have elbowed and Ryan “You What” Watt roughed in reply. 2 minutes each in the can. Shortly after Bison were awarded a penalty shot when Paul Dixon did everything except murder Long Ciaron Long to prevent him getting off his shot in a break on goal. The penalty shot was missed and 0-2 it remained.

On 9 minutes Bison finally got some reward for their efforts. Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson received a pass from Aaron “Billy” Connolly behind the net. Stephen Wall, the Flames netman, must have thought that Tommo was looking for a Kralj style pass to someone in front of the net. He wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Shaun “The Sheep” lobbed the puck onto his back and, as confirmed to me by the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, a close observer of the incident, the puck pea rolled down Wall’s back and into the goal. Concession of a goal in this manner must have plunged Wall into a state of funereal perturbation. State of what? Ok. Made him unhappy. Perhaps not to the extent that he burst into tears and didn’t want to play any more. Perhaps he should have because worse was to come late in the game. This has been a shocking goal to concede and made the hapless netman look like a monkey. In the ranks of the Guildford faithful, who had travelled from the Library, mouths fell open, eyes opened wide and groans were emitted. In the Bison blocks the Rabble Rouser of Block A’s hair stood on end. It was 1-2.  

Bison pressed forward, but fairly ineffectually it has to be said. Their quest was not helped by their players serving 12 minutes worth of penalties in the period. A flurry of offences occurred in the 18^th minute - cross checking, roughing and slashing were committed by Danny Meyers and Joe Greener, the former the former and the latter the latter two. The two may have considered an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights because Mr. Hogarth was definitely proposing to infringe their human rights by removing their liberty, but in the end they both decided to go quietly into the custody of the penalty box to serve their time. The Flames were on the power play once more and this time they made it count. Round and round went the puck like a teddy bear in the garden until it reached the aforementioned Kralj, who slapped it in from the point. Lundin and Eriksson were declared assistants for the goal. 1-3 Flames and not looking good for Bison.

It was reported to me that Coach Sheppard went to the locker room less than pleased and one can only assume the hairdryer treatment was delivered. Bison had to stay out of the box and this they achieved for the next 15 minutes. What a difference. An early period goal would have been preferable and this they bagged in the 24^th minute on the power play. Lundin unceremoniously bundled Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack (see footnote) into the goal frame head first. The crowd leaped to their collective feet. “SEND HIM TO THE CHAIR!” implored some of the more radically minded spectators. And that is exactly what Mr. Hogarth did, notwithstanding that the chair in this case was the bench in the penalty box not an electric one as some may have wanted. The 5 on 4 bore fruit 20 seconds later. Set up by Cuddly Joe Greener, Long Ciaron slapped one in. Wall saved, but spilled the puck into the path of Watt, who stabbed it in for a dirty goal and 2-3.

Bison thought they had levelled it shortly after when Long took possession and bore down on goal. He shot, we heard a clunk. The crowd jumped to their feet, shouting “GOAL!” “IT’S IN!” “YAHOO!” and “HI KARUMBA!” but not all in the same sentence. But the goal light remained unilluminated and the referee’s hand remained unpointing towards the net. Had it come off the back stanchion and out? Many thought so, but not Ref Hogarth, so no goal.

We reached the end of P2 with Bison failing to get on level terms. Into P3 we passed. Could Bison come back? Only a solitary goal to the bad they were within touching distance of the Librarians, but by the time we reached the 53^rd minute it had been nearly 30 minutes since their last score and, although they had raised their game to new heights in P3, it just wasn’t happening in front of the net. The Man with 3 Ear-rings declared, “it will be a miracle if Bison win this.” The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs Shirt agreed. But what do they know about hockey? Very little it would seem because win the game is what Bison did. At the time, however, with Flames defending sometimes with a 3-man D, Bison chances looked dead and buried, Eleanor Rigby style. All we needed was Father McKenzie to conduct the service.

But then in a 20 second period straddling the 54^th minute there occurred something which nobody predicted, not even Nostradmus, with whom I conversed in the food bar in the second interval. (OK I made that up – everyone knows he’s been dead for 450 years). A pair of Bison goals turned the game on its head. First of all Cuddly Joe Greener scored on the turn, assisted by Long and Watt. 3-3. And then Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov set up Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for a shot from the slot. As the puck flew towards Wall, Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack got his twig in the way and tipped it. Wall, the epitome of a hapless netman, must have experienced feelings of unadulterated anguish, deflating despondency and melancholic morosity as the puck bounced off his glove, fell to the ice and rolled very slowly over the line. It was in and 4-3 Bison. What a turnaround. Ever heard of Hambone Willie Newbern? Of course you haven’t. He recorded a song called “Roll and Tumble Blues” in 1929, later recorded as “Rollin’ and Tumblin’” by a myriad of artists. I don’t mean Rembrandt, Picasso and Dali, but rather Cream, Bob Dylan and Cyndi Lauper, not to mention numerous others. Well rollin’ and tumblin’ exactly what we were now seeing. Bison were rollin’ all over the Flames, whose hopes of winning the game were tumblin’ towards oblivion. Obscure connection I hear you say. Well yes.

But, unlike paradise, all was not lost for the Flames. With 57:53 remaining Bison copped a very unwanted penalty – Karpov for holding. They would have to play 2 minutes of the 2:07 which remained of the game a man short.  That was about as undesirable as the scrapings from a grape treader’s toe nails. To make matters worse Wall was subsequently pulled to make it a final hurrah 6 on 4. However, the hoped for hurrah and huzzah turned into an undesirable, unwanted and unhoped for undoing. At least it was if you were a Guildford fan. Never say die Bison skipper Connolly scrapped for the puck in mid ice, gained possession and slid in an empty netter to put the result beyond doubt. 5-3 Bison. The visiting supporters were now suffering pain as surely as if someone was driving a knitting needle up their collective left nostril. In fact a number of them got up and left to start the long trudge back to the Library, doubtless to return their overdue books, with Tomas Hiadlovsky waving them bye-bye from his net (Cake Lady confirmed that). It was game over and all that remained was to award the top banana prizes to Kralj and Watt.

Footnote : Alan "Prairie Dog" Lack? Why the hell....? Go one Youtube "Prairie dog Alan".

Kurt the Scissors Cuts MK Down to Size

Bison 3 Milton Keynes Lightning 1

10/10/15

At Planet Ice last night a keenly contested contest was contested by contestants for the EPL top spot. The clinching goal came with 7 minutes remaining from Bison’s free scoring blueliner. No not Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, but Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, who this season has shaken off the cloak of “stay at home” by venturing forward into the rarefied atmosphere of the opponents’ defensive zone to bag vital goals. Who could forget his overtime winner against the Guildford Flames in the opening game of the regular season? His goal last night was effectively a game winner, serving to deflate Lightning at a time when their attempts to draw level were looking likely to bear fruit.  

The game opened in robust style with both goaltenders being tested early on. The deadlock was broken in the 3^rd minute and it was the visitors who snatched the lead. Markku Tartinen set up James Griffin, who scored with a long range wrist shot from the right wing. 1-0 Lightning.

Bison pressed forward for a levelling score, but Jordan Marr in the MK net was beginning to prove a formidable barrier, showing more the resistance of a steel reinforced bank vault door rather than a wet paper bag, even though he did have one or two nervous moments with spilled pucks. But there was to be no shutout for Marr and Bison blew open his door on 13 minutes. A shot from Long Ciaron Long was saved but pushed to Marr’s right into the path of Stuart “The Cat” Mogg. 100 odd years ago they weren’t very politically correct. Hence William Foulke, Sheffield United and England goalkeeper, who weighed around 20 stone, was universally known as “Fatty” Foulke. (Why not Google image him – you’ll be quite shocked at the sight of his seemingly unathletic form). Had Jordan Marr possessed corpulence comparable to Mr. Foulke, he could have blocked the goal completely, but alas he did not rejoice in the rotundity of the aforementioned dietarily challenged northern netman and all Mogg could see was a large expanse of empty net to shoot into. He rifled home to level it up at 1-1.

On 18 minutes Long Ciaron Long was adjudged to have delayed the game. “You’re going up the river for that,” said referee Pickett. “I would have liked to have sold you down the river, but I can’t.” Up the river? Down the river? See footnote. And so Lightning embarked on a power play to straddle P1/P2. If they could hammer home their advantage and shovel in a goal within the last 1:21 of the period they would take a 2-1 lead into the 1^st break and thereby put Bison on the back foot. There was indeed a goal, but, the merry band of drum beating, bugle blowing and raucously chanting Lightning fans, far from being elevated to a state of joyous nirvana and ecstatic gratification by the goal, were conversely plunged into a condition of darkest gloom and despairing malaise, as the goal which was scored on 19:27 was a Bison short handed goal. How did it happen? Read on, dear reader.

 

Play was broken up by Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds and the puck slipped to Lumberjack Joe Rand in mid ice. He skated forward at breakneck speed with Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly in support to his right against a solitary and rather lonely D-man. Had Joe and Billy been on the blue smarties? That must remain a matter of conjecture. What we can say for sure is that the pursuing D-men had not as they clearly showed no signs of hyperactivity in their attempts to catch the Bison pair. Next we saw an example of goaltender bamboozlement, a better one of which you are unlikely to witness. Joe looked across and looked across again at Billy, turned his body towards Billy, delayed and delayed again until, judging by his positioning and movement, goaltender Marr was left with no doubt that a cross ice pass was going to be the order of the day. Suddenly, from an acute angle, Joe whipped in a wrist shot which, as confirmed to me by the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, a close observer, flew in over the Marr shoulder. 2-1 Bison.

 

Back in 1967 that famous super group Cream recorded a song entitled “I’m so glad”, which contained the lyric “I’m so glad, I’m so glad, I’m glad, I’m glad, I’m glad.” This could have been written about the Bison backers, who showed they were not only “glad” but also “so glad” with a characteristic celebration of the goal. At best most had been hoping that Bison could kill the power play and end the period on level terms. But instead some 33 seconds later they shuffled off to purchase their hot dogs and other culinary delights at the food bar with their team enjoying an unexpected lead which they were never to lose.

We saw no goals in P2, which was hardly surprising as there weren’t any. The period was not without incident, however. On 34 minutes Alan Lack was adjudged guilty of a trip. Alas and alack Lack would lack his freedom for 2 minutes. Less than a minute later a confrontation between Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and an MK player (sorry I don’t know who that was) occurred within a milling melée of players behind the net. It wasn’t looking good on the accommodation of views front. The two seemed further apart in opinion than Martin Luther King and Nathan Bedford Forrest might have been on the subject of racial equality (Nathan who? Why the first Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan of course). When the officials broke it all up it was only Joe who copped a penalty for slashing and neither of the two anything for roughing. But of course the upshot of this was that there was another Bison man in the box and Bison were thus plunged into an Alamo style 5 on 3 defence for 1:11, which they achieved without the help of Davy Crocket. They also survived the 5 on 4 when Lack emerged a free man from the box to turn the numerical disadvantage into a solitary man.

Into P3 we ventured. MK searched for the ever elusive levelling score. They were beginning to become as frustrated as a broke and hungry down and out sitting opposite a street food stall in San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf as the smells from a sizzling cauldron of cioppino pervades his nostrils. (Cio what? A combination of crab, clams, shrimp, scallops, squid and mussels, all sourced from the Pacific Ocean, sautéed with fresh tomatoes in a wine sauce and served with toasted sourdough or French bread). I wouldn’t say that their lines were proving as ineffectual as a line composed of Homer Simpson, Ned Flanders and Krusty the Clown. They were passing and moving well and getting in their shots, but they could not find a way past Bison goaltender Tomas “no nickname yet” Hiadlovsky, who was enjoying a “man of the match” match, matching save for shot.

And then with 7 minutes remaining the locks of hope of the MK faithful were shorn by Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, causing them to fall limp and lank to the barbershop floor as he bagged a grade 1 goal. A face off in the MK defensive zone was won by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov or it could have been Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson. The puck squirted to Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson or it could have been Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov (I am not sure which way round it was), who fired the puck into the slot where Kurt was waiting to fire in a slap shot through traffic and it was 3-1 Bison. The goal could be described as a purple moment for Bison and had Prince, the Artist formerly known as Prince, the Purple One, Symbol, Squiggle or whatever he calls himself these days, been present and a Bison fan, he would have partied like it was 1999.

MK’s chances of winning the game now looked as if they’d been hammered flat with a sledgehammer, then run over by a 10 ton steamroller and finally put through granny’s mangle. There was still time for a comeback and Lightning attacked the Bison net with renewed vigour. Then with 1:25 remaining they pulled Marr for a 6 on 5, but still could find no way past the rock solid Hiadlovsky. Cuddly Joe Greener very nearly scored an empty netter in the dying seconds, but the shot was deflected as the buzzer sounded to call a halt to proceedings. Bison had won it to go level on points at the top of the EPL.

Footnote : “Up the river” – if you were convicted in a New York City court you would be sent up the Hudson River to Ossining State Prison , better known as Sing Sing. “Sold down the river”- before the abolition of slavery troublesome slaves in the North would be sold and transported down the Mississippi river to the much harder life on the cotton plantations of the south. Now you know.

Tigers Fall From Their Pedestal

Bison 6 Telford Tigers 4

2/10/15

What on earth has happened to the all conquering League and Cup double winning team from last season? They currently languish one of the bottom of the EPL with a record of 2 wins and 5 losses including their last 4 games. Have they been hit by the virus of complacency? Have other teams sussed them tactically? Are their goaltenders off the boil? It could be any of these and other factors as well. But don’t ask me. I don’t know anything about hockey. All I can tell you is that they came to Planet Ice last night and were hammered to infinity and beyond. A couple of P3 goals to reduce the end of P2 arrears from 2-6 to 4-6 ensured a rather flattering final score for the Tigers.

Bison seized the initiative early in P1 to snatch the lead on 1:24. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov’s shot from wide of the goal could not be frozen by Tigers’ netman Tom Murdy. There developed a frenzy in front of the goal, most unseemly and unsightly - a lawless turmoil, an unruly mob situation, a disorganised free-for-all and an anarchic rat’s nest all rolled into one as two sets of players became committed to sending the puck in opposite directions. The player who succeeded where all others failed was Ryan “You What” Watt. He forced the puck rather slowly over the line 1-0 Bison. Assists to Karpov and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg.

There were no further goals in the period but there was a bizarre incident on 15 minutes which had many people wondering whether the officials had the hang of the rules for icing. As soon as the whistle blew for icing against Bison, players and fans alike expressed their contrary opinions, particularly the Howling Man in Block C, who bellowed “That was hybrid icing”. As he did so his bald patch went from pink to cerise to purple, a sure sign that his and the officials’ opinions are not in unison. It ended with a cross the wall conference between Coach Sheppard and the officials, but alas the coach failed to convince and icing it was.

Bison began P2 in explosive style. It couldn’t have been most explosive if a dastardly saboteur had thrown a stick of dynamite onto the ice. Fortunately such a person did not seem to be present unless it had he who had sabotaged Doris the Zamboni necessitating the pressing into service of a rather tired looking back-up. A 2 goal blast in 16 seconds propelled the Bison backers into a state of joy, joviality and jocularity and the Tigers’ faithful into one of discontent, depression and disillusion. The first goal was set up by Mogg with a clever pass inside whilst under pressure on the boards. The pass found Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly with clear ice in front of him. He skated forward and fired in a wrist shot from the slot. 2-0 Bison. Lumberjack Joe Rand with the 2^nd assist.

Then 16 seconds later Alex Symonds and Alan Lack combined to send Karpov clear in a 2 on 1. The Czech chap didn’t need support as he fired home past the unfortunate and indeed unhappy gentleman who was Tom Murdy. 3-0 Bison. Murdy then became even more unfortunate and unhappy. Coach Watkins had seen enough and, somewhat harshly I thought, withdrew Murdy and put Sam Gospel in to plug the leaky goal. Alas the substitute stopper failed to protect the gaping hole which was the Tigers’ goal and another 3 goals had been bagged by Bison before the period had expired, as I shall relate, dear reader.

The Tigers had to do something to get back in the game and this they did a minute later. Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson was adjudged to have held his opponent. The referee pointed at him “It’s a spell of solitary for you, matey,” he said. In the ensuing power play Peter Szabo set up Maxim Birbraer for a slap shot from the slot and Phil Hill tipped it in. 3-1 Bison.

Bison responded with another 2 goal blast as the mid point of the period approached. A flurry of penalties gave Bison a 4 on 3. Karpov and Cuddly Joe Greener circulated the puck to Thompson wide of the net to the goaltender’s right. He looked for a pass, but decided to chance his arm instead. He fired towards goal and in in went off a Tiger’s stick. Was it the goaltender’s or a defenders? I know not. What I do know is that it was 4-1 Bison.

The last thing the Tigers needed to do now was to turn over the puck with careless stick handling and let Bison in again. That would have been as undesirable and walking into a dark alley and meeting and incurring the wrath of a homicidal maniac armed with a knuckleduster, a cut-throat razor and a butcher’s cleaver. But that’s exactly what happened a minute later. The former scenario not the latter of course. The puck was turned over to Karpov who launched a slap shot from the shot. The goaltender’s goose was cooked and I don’t mean he rubbed it with the oil, seasoned it with salt, sat the bird in a large roasting tin, covered it with a large piece of foil, scrunched up at the sides and placed it in the oven for an hour and a half on gas mark 6. The hapless Gospel failed to stop the rubber projectile and it sailed in past his ear and into the net. 5-1 Bison.

The Tigers desperately need a goal to keep their ever dwindling chances alive. They responded with one on the power play in the 33^rd minute. With a congested penalty box containing the cross checking Cuddly Joe Greener and Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and the slashing Sam Zajac, the Tigers took advantage of the 5 on 4. Dan Davies and Jason Silverthorn combined to set up Peter Szabo at the back door. 5-2 Bison.

At 1-5 in arrears the Tigers’ chances of winning the game had been disappearing fast. The 2-5 goal gave them a glimmer of hope. All they needed was another goal to reduce it to a 2 goal game with a whole period to play, which would have given them a straw to clutch and indeed a peg on which to hang their hat of hope and aspiration. But there was to be no goal and no straw to clutch and their hat remained unhung. In fact it was Bison who bagged another goal and in doing so trampled on the Tigers’ hat of hope. On 33 minutes Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds lobbed a shot from the slot through traffic and in 6-2 Bison. Watt and Karpov were designated assistants for the goal.

Replacement goaltender Gospel had now let in 3 goals in 9 minutes. Oh dear! His predecessor Murdy had let in 3 in 21 minutes. Were we to see a return of Murdy? The Tigers hadn’t brought a back-up back-up and so the hapless Gospel continued and Murdy remained pulled.

The period ended with no further scoring and P3 opened with the likelihood that Bison would look to close down the game. Things didn’t quite go the way Coach Sheppard had planned. Firstly the Tigers reduced the arrears to 3-6 in the 42 minute with a superbly deked goal from Dan Davies assisted by Bribraer and Hill and then an epidemic of penalty calls resulted in a total of 12 minutes of penalty box time for the home team and the need to defend a succession of 5 on 4s and 5 on 3s. This they did with some stout D work. However the Tigers did manage to snatch another in the 55^th minute, this a nice flowing and fast break through the Bison defensive zone involving Adam Taylor, Jason Silverthorn and Macauley Haywood, the latter sending a wrist shot between Hiadlovsky and goal frame. This set up a flurry of activity in the dying stages as the Tigers threw caution to the wind, pulling Gospel with 1:34 remaining. The 6 on 5 became a 6 on 4 with Cuddly Joe Greener sent into solitary for interference with 44 seconds remaining. But all to no avail. Bison held out until the final buzzer and almost made it 7-4 when Long Ciaron Long nearly scored with a difficult empty netter attempt. Strains of not so much “Goodbye Dolly Gray” but rather “Goodbye Telford Tigers could be heard. The Fat Lady was singing.

Top bananas were Tigers’ Dan Scott, as opposed to Scott Dann, who is a footballer, and Tomas Karpov with a 2 + 3 game for Bison against his former team.

And so to summarise. Anyone remember Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark? That great synthpop band from the 80s, whose name would be acronymed into OMD? Well there was nothing OMD about the Telford performance. It was more OMG. It had been a LOL performance on the D. They were lucky to escape with a respectable defeat IMHO. Back to the drawing board for Coach Watkins.