Tigers Fall From Their Pedestal

Bison 6 Telford Tigers 4

2/10/15

What on earth has happened to the all conquering League and Cup double winning team from last season? They currently languish one of the bottom of the EPL with a record of 2 wins and 5 losses including their last 4 games. Have they been hit by the virus of complacency? Have other teams sussed them tactically? Are their goaltenders off the boil? It could be any of these and other factors as well. But don’t ask me. I don’t know anything about hockey. All I can tell you is that they came to Planet Ice last night and were hammered to infinity and beyond. A couple of P3 goals to reduce the end of P2 arrears from 2-6 to 4-6 ensured a rather flattering final score for the Tigers.

Bison seized the initiative early in P1 to snatch the lead on 1:24. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov’s shot from wide of the goal could not be frozen by Tigers’ netman Tom Murdy. There developed a frenzy in front of the goal, most unseemly and unsightly - a lawless turmoil, an unruly mob situation, a disorganised free-for-all and an anarchic rat’s nest all rolled into one as two sets of players became committed to sending the puck in opposite directions. The player who succeeded where all others failed was Ryan “You What” Watt. He forced the puck rather slowly over the line 1-0 Bison. Assists to Karpov and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg.

There were no further goals in the period but there was a bizarre incident on 15 minutes which had many people wondering whether the officials had the hang of the rules for icing. As soon as the whistle blew for icing against Bison, players and fans alike expressed their contrary opinions, particularly the Howling Man in Block C, who bellowed “That was hybrid icing”. As he did so his bald patch went from pink to cerise to purple, a sure sign that his and the officials’ opinions are not in unison. It ended with a cross the wall conference between Coach Sheppard and the officials, but alas the coach failed to convince and icing it was.

Bison began P2 in explosive style. It couldn’t have been most explosive if a dastardly saboteur had thrown a stick of dynamite onto the ice. Fortunately such a person did not seem to be present unless it had he who had sabotaged Doris the Zamboni necessitating the pressing into service of a rather tired looking back-up. A 2 goal blast in 16 seconds propelled the Bison backers into a state of joy, joviality and jocularity and the Tigers’ faithful into one of discontent, depression and disillusion. The first goal was set up by Mogg with a clever pass inside whilst under pressure on the boards. The pass found Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly with clear ice in front of him. He skated forward and fired in a wrist shot from the slot. 2-0 Bison. Lumberjack Joe Rand with the 2^nd assist.

Then 16 seconds later Alex Symonds and Alan Lack combined to send Karpov clear in a 2 on 1. The Czech chap didn’t need support as he fired home past the unfortunate and indeed unhappy gentleman who was Tom Murdy. 3-0 Bison. Murdy then became even more unfortunate and unhappy. Coach Watkins had seen enough and, somewhat harshly I thought, withdrew Murdy and put Sam Gospel in to plug the leaky goal. Alas the substitute stopper failed to protect the gaping hole which was the Tigers’ goal and another 3 goals had been bagged by Bison before the period had expired, as I shall relate, dear reader.

The Tigers had to do something to get back in the game and this they did a minute later. Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson was adjudged to have held his opponent. The referee pointed at him “It’s a spell of solitary for you, matey,” he said. In the ensuing power play Peter Szabo set up Maxim Birbraer for a slap shot from the slot and Phil Hill tipped it in. 3-1 Bison.

Bison responded with another 2 goal blast as the mid point of the period approached. A flurry of penalties gave Bison a 4 on 3. Karpov and Cuddly Joe Greener circulated the puck to Thompson wide of the net to the goaltender’s right. He looked for a pass, but decided to chance his arm instead. He fired towards goal and in in went off a Tiger’s stick. Was it the goaltender’s or a defenders? I know not. What I do know is that it was 4-1 Bison.

The last thing the Tigers needed to do now was to turn over the puck with careless stick handling and let Bison in again. That would have been as undesirable and walking into a dark alley and meeting and incurring the wrath of a homicidal maniac armed with a knuckleduster, a cut-throat razor and a butcher’s cleaver. But that’s exactly what happened a minute later. The former scenario not the latter of course. The puck was turned over to Karpov who launched a slap shot from the shot. The goaltender’s goose was cooked and I don’t mean he rubbed it with the oil, seasoned it with salt, sat the bird in a large roasting tin, covered it with a large piece of foil, scrunched up at the sides and placed it in the oven for an hour and a half on gas mark 6. The hapless Gospel failed to stop the rubber projectile and it sailed in past his ear and into the net. 5-1 Bison.

The Tigers desperately need a goal to keep their ever dwindling chances alive. They responded with one on the power play in the 33^rd minute. With a congested penalty box containing the cross checking Cuddly Joe Greener and Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and the slashing Sam Zajac, the Tigers took advantage of the 5 on 4. Dan Davies and Jason Silverthorn combined to set up Peter Szabo at the back door. 5-2 Bison.

At 1-5 in arrears the Tigers’ chances of winning the game had been disappearing fast. The 2-5 goal gave them a glimmer of hope. All they needed was another goal to reduce it to a 2 goal game with a whole period to play, which would have given them a straw to clutch and indeed a peg on which to hang their hat of hope and aspiration. But there was to be no goal and no straw to clutch and their hat remained unhung. In fact it was Bison who bagged another goal and in doing so trampled on the Tigers’ hat of hope. On 33 minutes Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds lobbed a shot from the slot through traffic and in 6-2 Bison. Watt and Karpov were designated assistants for the goal.

Replacement goaltender Gospel had now let in 3 goals in 9 minutes. Oh dear! His predecessor Murdy had let in 3 in 21 minutes. Were we to see a return of Murdy? The Tigers hadn’t brought a back-up back-up and so the hapless Gospel continued and Murdy remained pulled.

The period ended with no further scoring and P3 opened with the likelihood that Bison would look to close down the game. Things didn’t quite go the way Coach Sheppard had planned. Firstly the Tigers reduced the arrears to 3-6 in the 42 minute with a superbly deked goal from Dan Davies assisted by Bribraer and Hill and then an epidemic of penalty calls resulted in a total of 12 minutes of penalty box time for the home team and the need to defend a succession of 5 on 4s and 5 on 3s. This they did with some stout D work. However the Tigers did manage to snatch another in the 55^th minute, this a nice flowing and fast break through the Bison defensive zone involving Adam Taylor, Jason Silverthorn and Macauley Haywood, the latter sending a wrist shot between Hiadlovsky and goal frame. This set up a flurry of activity in the dying stages as the Tigers threw caution to the wind, pulling Gospel with 1:34 remaining. The 6 on 5 became a 6 on 4 with Cuddly Joe Greener sent into solitary for interference with 44 seconds remaining. But all to no avail. Bison held out until the final buzzer and almost made it 7-4 when Long Ciaron Long nearly scored with a difficult empty netter attempt. Strains of not so much “Goodbye Dolly Gray” but rather “Goodbye Telford Tigers could be heard. The Fat Lady was singing.

Top bananas were Tigers’ Dan Scott, as opposed to Scott Dann, who is a footballer, and Tomas Karpov with a 2 + 3 game for Bison against his former team.

And so to summarise. Anyone remember Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark? That great synthpop band from the 80s, whose name would be acronymed into OMD? Well there was nothing OMD about the Telford performance. It was more OMG. It had been a LOL performance on the D. They were lucky to escape with a respectable defeat IMHO. Back to the drawing board for Coach Watkins.