Bison 5 Swindon Wildcats 1
25/10/15
Both teams were
looking for a 4 point weekend on the backs of victories the previous evening.
Whereas Bison enjoyed a hard fought 3-2 road win at the Sheffield Steeldogs,
the Cats were busy turning Guildford’s Gregg Rockman, leading save percentage
goaltender in the EPL, into a chunk of Swiss cheese. The hapless netman faced 8
shots and let in 5 goals before being pulled, the Cats eventually running out impressive
7-4 winners. So who would grab the 2 points on offer to complete a 4 point
weekend? It would be Bison in what turned out to be a surprisingly one sided
game.
It didn’t look
like it was going to be one sided in the 2nd minute when the Cats
took the lead in a 2 on 1 raid on the Bison net. Corey McEwan broke from centre
ice drifted wide to the goaltender’s right to open up space and then squared
the puck to Sam Bullas at the back door. A hung out to dry Tomas Hiadlovsky had
no hope, no prayer, no chance and no salvation as Sam Bullas slammed the puck
between goaltender and post. 0-1 Cats.
2 minutes later
Ryan “You What” Watt hooked. A loud sonorous blast emanated from the referee’s
whistle. “You can’t do that, old chap,” said the referee. “You must face the
consequences of your actions and serve a custodial sentence”. Watt did his
porridge as his team successfully defended the power play and only 8 seconds
after he had emerged from the box, doubtless a reformed character full of
contrition and with no intention of reoffending (oh really?), Bison levelled
it. Long Ciaron Long’s shot was saved by Jordan Hedley, but, much to the
unfortunate netminder’s chagrin, the puck spilled into the ice in front of him.
The situation which developed as a consequence could be described as a chaotic
ruckus, a turbulent hullabaloo or an uproarious brouhaha (yes that’s a real
word) or even all three occurring at once. Someone had to get the puck in or
away. Alas for Hedley and his frantic team mates it was Cuddly Joe Greener who
had the last say as he forced the puck over the line for 1-1.
The Bison
backers had to wait another 10 minutes to see their team snatch a go-ahead
goal. Greener was involved in this one as well. He battled hard on the boards
to keep the puck and then slid a pass towards the other wing where an unseen or
possibly a seen but ignored by the Cats’ D Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, with a goal
and a Man of the Match award from the previous evening at the Dogs’ kennel, was
marauding forward with the velocity of a puma dosed up to the eyeballs on speed.
He shot. Did the Jordan Hedley have the X factor to keep out Mogg’s effort?
There was a “X” involved, but, sadly for the Cats’ faithful it was more X
certificate than X factor as the puck bounced off Hedley’s shoulder and into
the net. His attempt to provide the blocking power of a slab of granite, a
steel reinforced door and a dietarily challenged man four feet wide all rolled
into one had failed in a most ignominious fashion. He must have been as
embarrassed as a man whose hair piece is carried off by a marauding golden
eagle on a crowded beach. Another goal for Moggie and a red face for Hedley. 2-1
Bison.
The period ended
with no further adjustments to the score board. It had been an even period with
27 shots equally shared (well almost – I mean if they were that would mean 13
and a half shots on goal each, but how can you have half a shot on goal? See
footnote). It was actually 14-13 in Bison’s favour.
With a solitary
goal separating the two sides it was there for the taking for whoever wanted it.
And it appeared that it was Bison who did as they dominated P2, firing in 12 on
target shots. According to the official stats, the Cats managed zero for the
period. Really? I am sure I saw Hiadlovsky making saves. Maybe the man who counts
the shots had fallen asleep. It wasn’t you Honest Pete, was it? Or maybe it was
I who fell asleep and dreamed the Hiadlovsky saves. Be that as it may I was certainly awake when Bison
bagged another couple of goals to move into a commanding lead. The first came
on 21 minutes and the scorer was Long Ciaron Long with a superb pick-your-spot snipe.
Set up by Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, Long Ciaron broke forward and barrelled
in on goal. The Cats’ D skating back in an attempt to catch and dispossess the generously
bearded Bison forward moved no faster than a snail, even one pursued through
the kitchen by a French chef armed with a sharp knife. Long Ciaron was not to
be caught. He steadied himself and then fired low through the gap between the
goaltender’s glove and the post. 3-1 Bison.
6 minutes later it was 4-1. Lumberjack Joe
Rand set up Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for a slap shot from just inside the
blue line. Once again Hedley failed to engulf the puck but allowed it to
rebound away from him and into a place of danger from where Shaun “The Sheep”
Thompson bundled it in without so much as a bleat. Only Reynolds was awarded an
assist. I have no idea why Rand wasn’t awarded one or even a cup of Tim Horton’s
coffee. He deserved both.
Corey McEwan’s
evening was about to end. His high stick caught Reynolds in the kisser and off
he went with a 5 + game misconduct. Now the Cats had a 5 minute power play to
defend. They stifled Bison’s efforts to score. The home team became as frustrated
as a man whose plastic knife and fork had just snapped as he tried to eat a
Pukka Pie on a bendy paper plate resting on his lap (been there?). There was no
way through and the 5 minute power play came to an end without Hedley’s pipes
being breached.
Consider the
hard caramelised sugar topping of a crème brûlée. It is difficult to believe
that this started out as a heap of white granulated sugar. At 1-4 to the bad
and unable to test Hiadlovsky on a single occasion in the 2nd, the Cats
had to undergo a transformation of similar magnitude and turn into a team which
looked like it wanted to win the game. However, although they did manage a
handful of shots in P3, they ceded the majority of possession to the homesters
and they remained more granulated than caramelised. Finally Bison grabbed an icing
on the cake, cherry on top goal in the 54th minute. They had their
cake and ate it. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov drove towards goal and passed
inside to Aaron “Billy” Connolly, who set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba at
the back door. Miro fired in for 5-1 Bison.
Harry Houdini’s most
extraordinary spectacle was undoubtedly the "Chinese Water Torture
Cell." During his lifetime and for many years after, he was the only man
to perform this escape or anything quite like it. In this trick he had to
extract himself from a contraption resembling a fish tank. This was filled with
water. Houdini with his feet manacled would then be lowered head first into the
tank in full view of the audience. See below. It is difficult to imagine how he
could possibly escape, but escape he did - every night. To get something from
last night’s game the Cats now had to perform an escape of equal daring and
seeming impossibility. All they need was 4 goals in less than 6 minutes. Well
it wasn’t just seemingly impossible, it was actually impossible. They failed.
The final buzzer
sounded, but not before we had not yet seen a final drama. This occurred in the
final minute in the form of an outrageous altercation of the most virulent and vitriolic
variety. What kicks these things off nobody who is not directly involved can
say. And as I wasn’t, I can’t. All I can say is that I saw Cuddly Joe Greener
exchanging views with the Cats’ bench in a forthright manner. Their
confrontation suggested a lack of agreement over whatever issue they may have
been discussing, just as surely as Karl Marx and Alan Sugar would fail to find
common ground. Suddenly all hell broke loose as Cuddly Joe launched himself in
a pugilistic fashion at the members of the bench. Then Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird
joined in and so did Matt Selby and Carlo Finnucci. Neil Liddiard was seen to
fall to the ice as if the recipient of a Mike Tyson haymaker. Had someone laid
him out? When the dust settled all 5 miscreants found themselves in the house
of correction, but almost certainly none of them emerged corrected.
Top Bananas were
Jan Costal and Aaron “Billy” Connolly. They shoot horses, don’t they? Maybe
they should have shot the visiting supporters to end their suffering. It must
have been a dismal night for the Cats’ faithful.
Footnote : Could you have half a shot on goal if a
slapshot is so ferociously hit that the puck splits in half, one half going
wide and the other being saved by the goaltender?
No comments:
Post a Comment