Bordowski Blasts Bison Back From the Dead

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 5 (OT)

24/11/18

So there was this geezer called Lazarus. And he was a bit off colour. His sisters sent word to Jesus to come and sort him out. But alas Lazarus was very off colour and by the time Jesus arrived he was told “too bleeding’ late, matey, the geezer’s croaked”. So they went to Lazarus’s tomb and Jesus shouted “Get your ass out here, Lazarus.” Well Lazarus didn’t have an ass in there so he came out himself – alive and kicking. It was a miracle. Had Lazarus been present at Planet Ice last night he would have been impressed at how Bison also came back from the dead to win the game against the Raiders after all had looked lost.

P1 opened and it turned out to be an epoch boasting a solitary goal. That arrived as early as 1:41, lulling Bison backers into a false sense of security I dare say. A fast breakout move developed. As the trio of Bison players, namely Paul Petts, Michal Klejna and Coach Ashley Tait tore apart the Raiders’ D, their dazzling movement could hardly be described as apathetic, torpid, phlegmatic or lethargic. Heavens no! They didn’t behave like a bunch of indolent sluggards, but did indeed hastened forward with tempo, momentum, rapidity, vivacity and velocity, displaying stick handling skills of the highest dexterity, adroitness and finesse. It was Ooo Matron stuff. The final across the crease pass by Klejna was banged home by Tait, who had proved he is no couch potato or even coach potato and had got forward at breakneck speed. 1-0 Bison. It was all wine and roses.

There were no more goals in the period and so we moved into P2. What could possibly go wrong? How about ….. everything. I will not chronicle the events in great detail except to say that the Raiders banged in 5 goals without reply in a 10 minute period, the scorers being Liam Chong, Juraj Huska, Callum Wells, Dan Scott and Brandon Ayliffe. At 1-4 the Man in The Charlestown Chiefs shirt had drained his bottle of Valium and was starting on his Prozac. By 1-5 to the Raiders that bottle was empty too. He asked the Che Guevara impersonator if he had any he could borrow. The latter replied “No amigo, but I have a gun if you wish to blow your brains out.” It was a very tempting offer.

So ended the period and rarely would you see a more one sided period with the Raiders totally dominant. A shot count of 17-8 and a 5 goal bag without reply bore witness to that. For the visitors it had been a ying and yang and yippiedeedoo epoch, surely one of the best they are likely to play all season. They must have believed they were on their way to a big win. What could possibly go wrong in P3? Well ….. everything. So don’t go away depressed, disappointed and defeated, dear Bison reader. You spirit will be lifted to previously unachieved heights of nirvana if you read on and allow me to regale you of the extraordinary events of the next 20 minutes playing time as well as a bit tacked on after.

One can only imagine the roasting delivered to the team by Coach Redmond in the interval. As P2 had unfolded he could be seen on the bench becoming increasingly animated, flushed, embarrassed and angry all in equal measure. His bald patch had gone from pink to red and there was a realistic danger of blood vessels being burst. Bison had 2 options as they came out for P3. They could go for damage limitation or they could go for the jugular. The latter course of option was chosen and we were treated to the most astonishing turnaround since Lazarus walked out of his cave and said, “what’s all the fuss about.” Mystic Jo said, "all we need is 5 goals." And she was right.

On 46:34 Bison finally managed to pull a goal back. Liam “Square Sausage” Morris set Dangling Dick Bordowski away on the right wing. He cut in and fired the puck across the goal. Suddenly the goal light was on, shining forth like a lighthouse beacon on a black night. Had it gone in off the goaltender, a defender or had Sean Kelly at the back door slammed it home? I cannot say. Bordo got the credit and it was 2-5. Surely a consolation. Well no as it proved.

Dangling Dick reared his ugly (well from a Raiders’ perspective) head again on 52:46. Raiders’ captain Aaron “Billy” Connolly had been sent to the slammer for holding the stick (presumably somebody else’s as holding your own stick is surely allowed, but, having said that, so perplexing are some of the rule interpretations by certain officials, who shall remain nameless to avoid me being the defendant in a libel action, that it wouldn’t surprise me if a player could be penalised for even that). 23 seconds into the 5 on 4 Morris and Alex Sampford combined to set up Dangling Dick. The Czech chap purply propelled the puck through the 5-hole of goaltender, Ben Clements and it was 3-5. Surely only a second consolation? Well no as it proved. Just over a minute later Bordo was to prove the undoing of the Raiders once more, as I shall relate, dear reader.

On 54:04 Dangling Dick dived on a depressingly disappointing, dilatory, dither to dispossess a dumkopf D-man in mid ice. He advanced in a netwards direction in a manner which could be described as presto, pronto, chop-chop, schnell and rápido and, as he approached the goal, there to him was revealed like a vision, the inviting 5-hole of Clements, through which he had driven the puck only 1:18 ago. Said 5-hole seemed as large as that of the Colossus of Rhodes (see below). Dick put lumber to rubber and the puck crossed the line to make it 4-5. Blimey! Surely they couldn’t, could they? Well maybe.

Bison continued to press, but, much to their chagrin, things went what could have been terminally pear shaped on 56:06 with a slashing call on Alex “Mittens” Mettam. “All we have to do is see the penalty out and then defend the goal even handed for the last 2 minutes –easy,” thought the Raiders’ bench. So they didn’t put themselves out on the power play, but kept it tight and successfully avoided a shortie.

Out of the box came Kelly, who had been banged up on Mettam’s behalf, to restore the 5 on 5 and now Bison had less than 2 minutes to save the game. The clock ran down and with only half a minute to go Mettam was dragged from the net, thankfully not by his beard. On came the extra skater and 10 seconds later it was all square as Sampford fired home a bobbling around puck with only 18 seconds left. 5-5 and this time the Raiders were reaching for Che Guevara’s gun. Klejna and Tait were recongnised as Sampford’s little helpers.

Had there been any members of the aristocracy amongst the Raiders’ contingent they might have described the goal which completed the comeback as “perfectly beastly” because, from the Raider’s perspective, that was what it was. Back in 1964 the Searchers reached No.1 in the Hit Parade singing, “Don’t throw your love away, no-no-no-no”. Well a throw away was exactly what we had seen, not of love, but of the game by the Raiders. By never mind they could still win it in overtime.

And so we moved into a 3 on 3 overtime period of 5 minutes or at least it would have been. Enter Dangling Dick to settle it after 1:04. Adam Jones fired an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Coach Tait, who in turn fired an Ooo Matron one to Dangling Dick. He blasted home to make it an Ooo Betty evening for the Raiders. In Block C well known Bison fans Dizzie Gillespie, Benny Hill, Samuel L. Jackson, Field Marshal Montgomery, Che Guevara and Frank Spencer threw their berets into the air in celebration. (OK so I stopped taking notes at 1-5, so all this is a made up tissue of lies).

Suffice it to say that Bison were the winners and the hoodoo of the Crinkly Haired Bees defector was finally broken – her other 2 attendances at Bison games have both resulted in Bison losses.

Top Bananas were declared to be Blahoslav Novak for the Raiders and of course Dangling Dick Bordowski for Bison. Never before in the field of sporting conflict had so much been owed by so many to so few – well actually only one – Dangling Dick Bordowski. What a player.