Bison Win Cats’ Dog Fight

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 2 (shoot out)

10/11/18

It was a night of dramatic shootouts in the NIHL South. Bison shot down the Swindon Wildcats after a close exciting game, while the Bracknell Bees slumped to a penalties defeat at home to the Streatham Redhawks. Might the dastardly turncoats who deserted Bison to follow the Bees now think they jumped ship a trifle prematurely, as they wallow in their steaming cesspool of unspeakable treachery? Far be it from me to express an opinion. Anyway enough of that let’s get on to the excitement of the night, as Bison proved to those doubting deserting quislings that there is life after death.

Bison snatched a go ahead goal on 5:21 with a 5 on 3 power play goal. On 5:01 Tyler Plews, possibly named after Wat Tyler (who? See footnote 1), was dumfounded by the smart movement of Michal Klejna and sent him sprawling prostrate to the ice in a most ignominious fashion. 10 years on Devil’s Island would have been an appropriate punishment for Plews, but no only a 2 minute minor was the punishment. The Cats set about defending their goal in the ensuing 5 on 4 and were doing quite well until player/coach Aaron Nell perpetrated another trip. Surely a hanging offence this time? But no another 2 minute minor, which reduced the Cats to 3. They had 1:32 to keep the homesters out. Things were going well until with 5 seconds of the 5 on 3 remaining things went very badly. Adam Jones, not to be confused with Chris Jones or Sam Jones, who were playing for the Cats (common name it would appear), set up Alex Sampford for the shot. Renny Marr, not to be confused with Jordan Marr who plays for the Phantoms of course, made the save. But the puck spilled to the ice as loose as a goose. Back in 1984 Bonnie Tyler (no relation to Wat Tyler) told us she was holding out for a hero or was it a heron? One of the two. Well she told us that that hero or heron had to be strong, he had to be fast and he had to be fresh from the fight. Well the Bison hero (no herons were icing) in front of goal was Dangling Dick Bordowski. He satisfied two of Bonnie Tyler’s requirements – he was strong and fast but failed on the third as he hadn’t had a fight. No matter. He hammered the puck past Marr and it was 1-0 Bison.

The period played out with no further scoring. It had been quite an even contest and all to play for as we entered P2.  Bison’s advantage doubled after only 56 seconds of the reopening of proceedings. And this was a comedy goal, at least from the Cats perspective. As Bordowski crossed the puck from the left, Marr and star D-man Stevie Whitfield, his long locks flowing from the back of his helmet, giving him a girl-esque appearance, got in a chunderous mess with Whitfield falling onto and then lying on top of Marr and, thus pinned to the ice Marr was emasculated as an effective shot stopper. It was a moment of farcical clumsiness which Frank Spencer and Norman Wisdom would have had difficulty improving on. At the back door was Doc Cowley to dish out the medicine as he drove the puck into an unguarded net. 2-0 Bison. (Frank who? Norman who? See footnote 2). Incidentally at one stage I’m sure I hear a shout of “Get your hair cut,” directed at Mr. Whitfield – a throw back comment to the days of the 60s. Anyone else hear that?

But the Cats were not dead and buried. Indeed no. Cancel the undertakers. They (the Cats that is not the undertakers – see footnote 3) came back with a power play goal on 27:47. The 5 on 4 was occasioned by Sam Smith perpetrating a high stick offense. As he sat watching the proceedings from his hard bench he must have been horrified to see Bison get into a defensive pickle 1:24 later. They failed to control and clear the puck, allowing the Cats to pull off an impressive piece of Ooo Matron tic-tac-toe hockey which found Nell as ignored as a flasher on a naturist beach. He hammered the puck into the net. 2-1. Luc Johnson and Max Birbraer were declared as his assistants.

 

P2 finished and so far it had been a very even contest with 18 shots on goal apiece. Was P3 going to prove the decisive period? Well no not exactly. The Cats came back to equalise to force the game into overtime and we were treated to some more comedy moments. The first occurred early in the period with Birbraer falling over backwards and landing rear end first on the ice with arms and legs flailing in the air by a dead fly. “Give him a penguin,” someone shouted, but none were available.

OK it might have been a bit cruel to mock a professional hockey player as he makes himself look like a complete plonker, but yes we laughed. Couldn’t help it. Later the same Birbraer experienced another issue of inability to balance. Alas I was looking elsewhere at the time and missed this moment of great slapstick comedy, so I have had to rely on the Man with 3 Ear Rings for his account of the incident. Many thanks to him. Apparently the aforementioned Birbraer moved toward the Bison bench in a menacing fashion and delivering his considered opinion, laced with expletives, so one account would have it, concerning an accidental collision in the crease between Cowley and Marr, which had just occurred. He should have given his action some forethought. He clearly hadn’t bargained on coming up against Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, that well known pugilist of great renown. The latter pushed the former, who staggered backwards in a comical fashion, which, had it been executed in a film, would have won an Oscar.

And so two moments of great comedic value. Thanks Mr. Birbraer. In between times there was an equalising score for the Cats but not before Coach Nell had hammered the puck off the bar. The equalising score came on 54:37 with Sam Bullas whipping in a wrist shot. Nell and the comedic Birbraer were declared assistants to the scorer. 2-2.

The game lurched towards overtime with many a heart in many a mouth. Nell was unlucky again ringing one of the post late on. He must have thought there was a magnet in the puck. And then the Cats’ faithful thought they had scored as the net rippled, but went behind. As one they jumped from their seats, arms aloft with vociferous vocalisations vocalised vociferously. But no goal light came on and no flat netwardsly pointing Ref Matthews hand appeared. When they saw play continuing it must have been a bitter pill for them to swallow or at least it would have been had there been any available. No goal.

Finally regulation time ended and into overtime we went. There were no goals and so it was a nerve jangling, gut wrenching, edge of seat sitting, finger nail biting penalty shoot out to decide the game. Jan Kostal was first up. He shot and Alex “Mittens” Mettam saved. Then Michal Klejna whipped in a wrist shot to mar Marr’s evening. Pure comedy then followed with Chris Jones failing to even get a shot off as he fluffed it after an elaborate deke and the puck dribbled past the net unshot. Cowley missed. And so now it was all up to Coach Nell. He had rung the pipes twice already. Surely he couldn’t do it for a 3^rd time? Well yes he could and did. Bison win!

Top banana for the Cats was Marr. I might have elected Birbraer for 2 assists and 2 wonderful moments of huge comedic value. Klejna was top Bison. I might have been inclined to chose Mettam, who had another stellar evening. How anybody could have doubted this chap I don’t know.

Footnote 1 : Wat Tyler and Jack Straw were the leaders of the 1381 Peasants’ Revolt. Tyler marched a group of rebels from Canterbury to the capital to oppose the institution of a poll tax and demand economic and social reforms. During negotiations with King Richard himself at Smithfield a scuffle broke out and Tyler was wounded and taken to a hospital. He was later found, dragged back to Smithfield and decapitated. Blimey! That was a bit harsh. They don’t treat trade unionists like that these days.

Footnote 2 : For the benefit of readers under 50. Frank Spencer was of course the accident prone character played by in “Some mothers do ‘ave em”. Norman Wisdom was a British comic actor, most famous in the 50s and 60s, specialising in a hapless accident prone character.

 

Footnote 3 : The Undertakers were a “beat group” of the 60s, who enjoyed moderate success. They dressed as undertakers in black suits and top hats, but the publicity picture below suggests they were jolly people really.