Dogged Dangling Dick and Dangerous Deadly Doc Decide Duel

Bison 4 Streatham Redhawks 3 (OT)

26/1/19

It would appear that history can repeat itself – or rather nearly. Here’s what I said about the first Bison v Redhawks game at Planet Ice back in November, which also ended 4-3. “This was a cracking encounter, between two very evenly matched teams, swinging one way, then the other, then back again with the game being decided by an overtime clapper from Coach Ashley Tait.” The only difference last night was the decider was a snapper from Doc Cowley.

P1 was a very even affair and it would be the Redhawks who snatched a go ahead goal on 18:51. Leigh Jamieson fired a defence splitting pass to Rupert Quiney in front of goal. The puck cut through like a machete going through a slab of lard (has anyone ever used a machete to do that I wonder?) With long locks flowing from the back of his helmet, which could have elicited a shout of “Get your hair cut,” from the Howling Man in Block C, who has on previous occasions given the same advice to other players with girl-esque hair styles, Quiney cut a dash and cut a caper as he cut loose, slotting home 5-hole. Andreas Siagris with the second assist. 1-0 Redhawks.

That was it on the scoring front for P1. The Redhawks went in with a lead, albeit one as slender as a snake hipped and svelte person who is svelte and has snake hips. P2 opened and very soon the Redhawks’ lead disappeared as if it had never existed or, if it had, had been dissipated in a puff of smoke during a magic trick. The Bison leveller, achieved without the assistance of Tommy Cooper, David Blaine or Paul Daniels, arrived on 24:43. It was, however, achieved with the assistance of Redhawks’ D-man, Siagris, who dawdled on the Redhawks blue line looking for an extravagant pass to set another Redhawks’ attack on its way. Oh the impetuosity of youth. While he delayed, hesitated, procrastinated and lingered, which was quite an achievement as he managed to do all of these things at the same time, George “Gordon” Norcliffe pounced like a ferocious predator (see below) and snatched the puck off the Siagris stick tape. It was an audacious heist of which Dick Turpin would have been proud. At least Turpin had the decency to wear a mask so you knew what he was about, but not Gordon. He raced forward and before goaltender King could say “Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick”, although the likelihood is that he wouldn’t have wanted to say that anyway, Gordon ripped a top corner snipe past the glove of the hapless netman. 1-1. It was declared as an unassisted goal, although Siagris, whose dalliance had been of great assistance to Gordon, should have awarded an assist, whether he wanted it or not.

Bison now aspired to climb to a higher level and this they did by snatching the lead on 31:14. Bonnie Tyler told us she needed a hero and, had she been present last night, she would have got one, namely Coach Ashley Tait. Set up by Norcliffe and Jay King, the coach moved towards the Redhawks’ net. Significant quantities of velocity, rapidity, acceleration and momentum were involved in his progress. He looked to offload a pass to one of his two supporting team-mates, but there wasn’t one on. “Oh well I’ll just have to do all this on my own,” he thought. Whilst attempting a circumnavigation of the globe in 1937 iconic aviator Amelie Earhart (that's her below) disappeared without a trace. In a similar fashion goaltender King’s ability to stop the puck also disappeared without a trace at this moment as Tait backhanded though the King 5-hole. 2-1 Bison.

Disaster then befell Bison. On 36:09 Jay King was called for roughing. I must admit I did not see the incident and will have to presume it had something to do with the dictionary definition of rough, namely “having a coarse or uneven surface, as from projections, irregularities, or breaks; not smooth”, but I cannot say with any degree of certainty. Be that as it may, down the steps went King to do a stretch in the glasshouse. Halfway through the 5 on 4, a further Bison disaster occurred with Dangling Dick Bordowski scooping the puck over the glass. “You can’t do that,” said Referee Picket. “I’m feeling your collar, matey. Delay of game”. So up the river went Bordo to join King in the slammer. Bison had 1:08 to defend a 5 on 3. They failed. Set up by Jamieson and Michael Farn, both stalwarts of the old EPL Milton Keynes Lightning, Canadian Alex Roberts, who never played for the Milton Keynes Lightning, but did play at one time for the Flin Flon Bombers, whipped in a top shelf wrist shot. 2-2.

Bison came on strong in the last minute of the period hoping to restore their lead. The seconds were ticking down and another go ahead goal looked unlikely, even though they were hammering on King’s door, as opposed to Shakin’ Stevens’s door, which was green, of course. (The said gent is shown below). However with 2.3 seconds left the Bison backers were propelled to a state of Nirvana. The Redhawks D had done really well to baulk the homesters in a frantic last minute, but by now they were consumed with fatigue and also shellshocked from their exertions. As Bison wound up one more move the Streatham chaps were doomed. They offered as much resistance as a fortune cookie, on which is dropped an English to Mandarin dictionary from a height of ten feet. Michal Klejna had shaken off his coverers and was all alone at the back door. He unleashed a sizzling down on one knee snap shot, which flew past the goaltender with the velocity of a spring roll fired from a chopstick catapult. The puck would have flown all the way to Shanghai had it not been stopped by the net. (A chopstick what? OK you can’t buy them in the shops, but you could make one). Liam Morris and Coach Tait with the assists. 3-2 Bison and P2 over.

P3 opened and Bison could not repeat their scoring feats of P2. In fact, it would be the Redhawks who would level up the game late on. On 53:29 Bordowski was called for roughing. This was his 4^th penalty of the evening and it looked as if Ref Pickett had it in for Dangling Dick. The Redhawks powerplay was prosecuted with great gusto, putting massive pressure on the Bison goal. Bison survived, but not for long as 3 seconds after the expiry of the 5 on 4 Jamieson and Roberts combined to set up Ryan Webb (no relation to Janet Webb as far as I am aware – remember that generously proportioned lady on the Morcambe and Wise show?) Webb scored from close range and it was 3-3 with all to play for.

There were no more goals in P3, so into overtime we passed, but not for long. Only 12 seconds in fact. Bison won the face off and Dangling Dick took possession of the puck. He was forced wide to the boards. In 1963 The Beatles sang “I saw her standing there”. What a great song. “She was just 17, you know what I mean”. Well at least that’s older than Jerry Lee Lewis’s 13 year old wife Myra, who was also his cousin. (That's them below. Scandalous!)

Well Bordo saw, not the her in the Beatles song, nor Mrs Lewis, but Doc Cowley standing there in front of goal and, as far as the Doc was concerned, it was going to be “Goodnight Vienna”, “Goodnight, sweetheart” and “Goodnight John-Boy” for the men from the Smoke. The Doc dished out the medicine as he slammed the biscuit past King and it was all over. Had Charlie Chaplin, Mr Bates, John Cleese, John Steed, Prince Charles and Chris Eubank been present and Bison fans, they would have thrown their bowler hats in the air in celebration, but I didn’t spot any of those gentlemen or indeed any bowlers being thrown up to the rafters of Planet Ice, which is just as well as it may have caused the building to collapse.

The final curtain fell after Top Bananas were announced as Ziggy Beesley for the men from the Smoke and Liam Morris for Bison.