It’s Never Over Until the Fat Lady Sings

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 5

25/1/14

From their kennel in Sheffield and led by their infamous arch goon, André “Donkey” Payette, into town came the Steeldogs, straining at the leash and barking their threats. With salivating jaws, growling countenances and tails which most certainly did not wag in a friendly manner, they snarled and snapped their way through the game with their usual brand of agitation, villainy and borderline criminality, perpetrating their behind the back cheap shots and spreading their particular variety of downright unpleasantness. But the officials refused to be intimidated and stood for no nonsense, handing out a staggering 56 PIMs including 3 x 10 misconducts and a game penalty to those dirty dogs.

The 1^st period turned out to be as one sided as a quiz competition between Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking and Alan Turing on one side and a team of punch drunk boxers on the other. Ineffective offense combined with a D which showed the resistance of a wet paper bag, the Dogs managed only 2 shots on Deans Skinns compared to Bison’s 18 on Dalibor Sedlar and left the ice at the first buzzer 0-4 to the bad. It had been a calamitous period for them.

It took Bison only 32 seconds to wake up goal judge Honest Pete and call him into action. Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds and Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in the slot. His shot went straight through Sedlar in an inglorious fashion (for the latter that is not the former) and it was 1-0 Bison.

Coach Payette’s first shift was greeted by a shout from the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. “Someone hit the donkey. Knock him down. It won’t be difficult.”

In the 3^rd minute Steve Duncombe was adjudged to be guilty of boarding. Some members of the crowd bayed for corporal punishment, but alas Meesrs Hogarth and Thompson were not empowered to dish out 50 lashes, a rap across the knuckles with a ruler or even a damned good trousers down spanking (enough said about that) and so into the slammer went Duncombe for what should have been a 2 minute spell of incarceration. It lasted only 6 seconds as Bison made the power play count and doubled their lead. Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long on the blueline. Sedlar was screened from the shooter and much have been horrified to see at the last second Long Ciaron’s shot find its way through the pipes off the post. The Czech had failed to check the shot. 2-0 Bison.

On 12 minutes it was 3-0 Bison. “Machine Gun” Melachrino fed Michael “Muzzy” Wales, who carried the puck forward and passed back to the Grandmaster lurking in the slot. A clever deke and backhanded shot across the line gave Karpov his 2^nd of the night.

Bison romped into a 4-0 lead on 15 minutes with free flowing pass and move attack which possessed the artistic merit of a Michaelangelo fresco, whereas, in contrast, the movement of the Dogs D was more akin to a scribble on the back of a fag packet. Long Ciaron sent Coach Sheppard on his way. Maple Leaf Doug’s pass across goal found Cuddly Joe Greener cutting in from the left wing. Joe roofed it with a degree of accuracy which would have impressed even Alan Francis (Alan who? Why the 18 times world horseshoe pitching champion of course).

The game was fast turning into a Shakespearean tragedy of King Lear proportions for the Dogs. Measure for measure, the Bison tempest had resulted in a comedy of errors in the Dogs D. The goaltender must have felt as betrayed as Julius Caesar. Had it been played in June you could have described the game as a midsummer night’s dream for Bison. It certainly was a winter’s tale for the Dogs. Their travelling support may have started the game as happy as the merry wives of Windsor, but now their mood was more Macbeth. But the game proved far from over, as shall unfold in this humble but hopefully “much admir’d” narrative.

The Dogs had to turn the game around. After such a one sided 1^st period this seemed as unlikely as Giant Haystacks (40 stone and 6’11”) dancing in the rôle of prima ballerina in a Bolshoi Ballet production of Swan Lake. They needed inspiration, motivation and an astute tactical plan from their donkey coach. They didn’t get it. He was in the box serving a 10 misconduct for some trademark pantomime villainy before the puck had even been dropped for the 2^nd period. Nevertheless, it seemed better for the Dogs that he was banged up and thereby reduced to the rôle of a mere observer of proceedings because they pulled 2 goals back in the 32^nd and 39^th minutes respectively. The first was set up by Bison old boy, Greg “Chubbs” Chambers and scored by the scary looking Lubomir Kohron (have you seen his profile picture on the Dogs’ web site?). The second was bagged by Ashley Calvert set up by Hirst and Chambers. In between the goals there was enough time for Lloyd Gibson to receive a 10 misconduct for mouthing off to the officials from the bench. Yes really. It was the Dogs third of the game, Lewis Bell having received their first at the end of the 1^st period. 

A far better period for the Dogs ended with them only 4-2 to the bad and every chance of clawing their way back from a seemingly hopeless position. Things got even better for them when on 45 minutes they made it a one goal game. Hirst, set up by Chambers, popped the puck in from in front of goal. Suddenly all was to play for and Bison nerves were jangling, especially a minute later when an apparent Dogs equaliser was expunged for net off moorings. Bison had to find something from somewhere to grab back the momentum and reverse the pendulum swing or all would be lost. Enter the Greener/Long/Sheppard combination which had bagged the previous Bison goal. Long Ciaron and Maple Leaf Doug combined to set up Cuddly Joe at the back door. Joe’s shot passed between Sedlar’s legs and deflected across the line off his skate. Oh woe indeed for the Czech backstopper. It was 5-3 to the home team and in the Bison ranks rapturous rejoicing and rhapsodic revelry radiated resplendently.

Shortly after Muzzy Wales and Andrew Hirst expressed their contrary views to each other in both a verbal and physical fashion.  Surely Mussolini and Chairman Mao could not have been further apart in opinion if the physical manifestation of their disagreement was anything to go by. Off to their respective naughty boy’s steps they went and a 4 on 4 ensued. Within a minute of their previous goal Bison snatched another. Reynolds passed forward to Greener from the D. Cuddly Joe set up Lumberjack Joe Rand who drifted in on goal and scored. 6-3 Bison. The Dogs’ D were now plumbing the depths. Bisons 6th goal had been a plum effort, scored with aplomb. The Doubting Thomases in the crowd were instantly transformed into Champagne Charlies. However, it was far from all over because before the 4 on 4 had run its course the Dogs had pulled another back. Duncombe and Haywood set up Edgars Bebris whose cross the goal wrist shot found the gap between goaltender and post.

6-4 and over 8 minutes remaining. Could the Dogs do a Lazarus? They gave themselves every chance with another goal on the power play on 58:06. After the mother of all melées in front of goal Lumberjack Joe Rand was called for a cross check. The 5 on 4 power play turned into a 6 on 4 as Sedlar was pulled and 6 seconds in Korhon fired in at the back door. Assists to Chambers and Wood. Suddenly a fracas of X-rated quality erupted. Everyone was involved. You could have thrown a lasso around them as they huddled together pushing and shoving. Players fell over. Players fell on top of players who had fallen over. Players fell on top of players who had fallen on top of players who had fallen over. It was bedlam. Speedway Girl, holder of the Deans Skinns Appreciation Society membership card no 001, rose angrily from her seat as she saw her favourite player being buried alive. Eventually it all calmed down and the only player to be penalised was Dogs’ D-man Steve Duncombe for cross checking. He didn’t like it and, on entering the box, threw a towel at one of the match officials. That was enough for the referee. A game misconduct was imposed. As Duncombe skated towards the bench he metamorphosed into Fatima Whitbread and threw his stick like a javelin towards the locker room, but there was to be no Olympic silver medal for him.

Back to the game. Bison, at 6-5 to the good, had just under 2 minutes to protect what was now a very slender lead. Sedlar came back for the face off and was immediately pulled. He must have felt like a yo-yo. The crowd was then treated to a pulsating final phase with the Dogs pressing forward desperately and Bison managing to miss no fewer than 4 empty net chances. Finally the buzzer sounded and in the Bison blocks there was multifarious merrymaking whereas in sharp contrast in the visitors’ enclosure it was misery and melancholy giving rise to malodourous mumblings and morose machinations.

Bison had bagged the points at the end of a very close game which should have seen them out of sight after a totally dominant 1^st. However, it’s never over until the fat lady sings and even a 4 goal lead can be thrown away in the blink of an eye. Hirst and Greener received the top banana awards. And a final word for referee Hogarth who survived being wiped out in a big hit in the 3^rd and then had to leave the game with a nasty cut to the hand. The men in stripes are made of stern stuff. We look forward to seeing Mr Hogarth back as soon as possible. Shakespeare was left to muse "all's well that ends well."

Skinns saves the day as Karpov hat trick fires Bison back to the top

Bison 5 Peterborough Phantoms 4

18/1/14

What a fantastic competitive league the EPL is. Anyone can beat anyone and frequently do. Why only last week lowly placed, albeit financially invigorated, Telford Tigers were recording a shock 4-2 road win over table topping Bison. At the same time bottom of the table Phantoms snuffed out the Guildford Flames by trouncing them 6-3 on their own ice. Could the Phantoms do it again? It didn’t seem likely. Surely Bison were going to prove too strong for them. However, as shall unfold in this narrative of what was to prove the most exciting game of the season at Planet Ice, they very nearly did.

The game had an explosive start. Not even Gypsy Rose Lee would have predicted what was about to happen. Hardly surprising really as she wasn’t a clairvoyant as her name might suggest. She was a Burlesque performer. Google image her if you dare. The Phantoms scored twice in the first minute and then romped even further ahead in the 3^rd minute.

Goal no. 1 on 38 seconds was scored by Erik Piatak, who took a pass from Luke Ferrara from behind the goal line and found the net with a wrist shot. James Ferrara was the further assistant to the goal. Goal no. 2 came on 51 seconds. Deadly Darius Pliskauskas set up by Declan Balmer and James Hutchinson put his foot on the gas and burst forward in typical Pliskauskas style. The Bison D-men couldn’t catch him, although they tried hard. However, such was Deadly Darius’s speed that the Bison D might just as well have been made up of malingerers, ne’er-do-wells, loungers, slouches, loafers, wastrels and deadbeats as the protection they provided for their goaltender was the same i.e. none at all. Pliskauskas fired in and it was 0-2 Phantoms. Goal no. 3 in the 3rd minute was a power play goal. Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird had been sent down for a high stick offence. In the ensuing power play Balmer and Piatak set up Marcel Petran to fire in one of his exocet style slap shots from the point. We heard a thud. Dean Skinns had got a piece of it with his pad. Alas for Deano the puck continued moving in a forwards motion (or backwards from his perspective) and crossed the line, albeit rather slowly. That didn’t matter - it was now 3-0 Phantoms. The Phantoms faithful cheered, were cheery, and displayed a cheerful demeanour. Well why not – they had reasons to be cheerful 1-2-3, as Ian Dury might have observed. As for the Bison backers, funereal perturbation and inconsolable defeatism set in. The gloomy expressions on their faces would have made Albert Tatlock look like a euphoric ecstatic. Could Bison come back from the dead? Well Lazarus managed it so why not Bison? At this stage, however, there did seem more likelihood of seeing John Lennon’s “semolina pilchards climbing up the Eiffel Tower” (what was he on when he wrote that line?).

Aaron “Billy” Connolly nearly had the puck in the net shortly after, but a stabbing, slashing, prodding, pushing, shoving goalmouth scramble ended with the referee’s whistle and a killed puck. The Phantoms players thought that Billy had been overzealous in his attempts to score. He disagreed and in the time it takes to say “abominable altercation of the most abhorrent assortment” there occurred an abominable altercation of the most abhorrent assortment. This culminated in Billy calling out the entire Phantoms bench to settle their verbal disagreement in a physical fashion. His offer was declined by all.

Bison opened their scoring account with a powerplay goal in the 8^th minute. Weldon had been called for a tripping offence and this escalated into a 2 + 10 misconduct for expressing his disappointment to the officials. 23 second in and Petran cross checked and found himself entering the institute of penal reform which is the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box. The Phantoms survived the 5 on 3, but not the 5 on 4 which ensued. They made a hash of an attempt to clear up ice. Cuddly Joe Greener blocked the way, snatched possession and set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, who netted after a rebound off Kamil Jarina, the Phantom’s hapless netman.

The clock ticked down. The last thing the Phantoms needed was the concession of a 2^nd goal before the period’s end, but that’s exactly what happened. Had Lance Corporal Jones been the Phantoms coach he would have shouted to his players, “Don’t panic! Don’t panic!” But he wasn’t and they did. With only 8 seconds remaining Long Ciaron Long forced the puck in unassisted and it was now a one goal game. How did it go in? I have no idea. Nor did all the observers I asked in the interval – Duracell Man, the Genial Brummie, the Bespectacled Youth, the Rabble Rouser of Block A, the Man from MI5, the Man with 3 Ear-rings…… No-one had a clue. But who cares? A goal it was and Bison went into the interval only 2-3 in arrears.

The 2^nd started as explosively as the 1^st with a brace of goals from Bison inside the 1^st minute to propel them from 2-3 to the bad to 4-3 to the good and record what may be the fastest 3 goal burst in the EPL this season – 3 in precisely a minute. The equalising score came 38 seconds in. Michael “Muzzy” Wales to Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov on the left wing. Karps accelerated forward, beat his man and lifted a wrist shot past the glove of Jarina. 3-3 became 4-3 only 13 seconds later. Set up by Bison skipper Nicky Chinn, Lumberjack Joe Rand rifled in a wrist shot from the right. Jarina was seemingly under fire from all angles. The visiting fans were incredulous. It was astonishingly bad to concede 3 goals in a minute to throw away their advantage. Had Chris Kamara been present, he might have been moved to describe it as “Unbelievable, Jeff”. But, believable it was because it had actually happened.

But the Phantoms did not capitulate and managed to level it up on 32 minutes with a power play goal of their own. With Zach “Sully” Sullivan a convict for interference, Petran took the puck around the back of the goal and squared across for an all on his own Marc Levers to score. The Beatles told us there were 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. Well there appeared to be just as many holes in the Bison D on this occasion. Luckily no-one was called upon to count them. It was 4-4 and 4-4 the period ended - a very creditable position for the Phantoms to be in, having been outshot by 20-6 in the period.

Into the 3^rd we went with all to play for. The Phantoms had endured a rocky period sinking from 3-0 to 3-4 and then coming back to 4-4. They were still in with just as much of a chance as Bison. Who would snatch the all important go ahead goal? It was Bison with what turned out to be a winning score in the 50^th minute. Greener passed inside to Karpov who top shelfed his wrist shot blocker side to complete his hat trick and make it 5-4 Bison. 

A minute later the hat trick hero was called for high sticks. The crowd turned ugly. They didn’t like the decision, which brought on a shouting contest on the fringes of Blocks B and C as the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired Lady, both of whom had been voicing their considered opinions at high volume all evening, competed to see who could deliver the loudest objection. The only difference between the two was the pitch of their voices. He started off in baritone but became more tenor as his protestation progressed and his vocal cords tightened. She was more mezzo-soprano bordering on pure soprano. It mattered not a jot as the decision was clearly not going to be reversed. 

The Phantoms continued to pile forwards and were having their best period. However, they couldn’t skin Dean Skinns despite testing him on 16 occasions. His biggest test came with 26 seconds remaining. With the Phantoms playing 6 on 5, Lumberjack Joe Rand was adjudged to have moved the net off its moorings. Initially a 2 minute penalty for delay of game was called, but the referee changed his mind and a penalty shot was awarded. The crowd didn’t like it and became ugly again. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, had the ideal means of eliminating the referee, who had suddenly become universally unpopular with the Bison crowd, but he couldn’t get close enough to use his garrotte watch. Deadly Darius Pliskauskas was to take the shot. It was all down to Dean Skinns. Ilya Bryzgalov, that very eccentric Russian goaltender, once described the universe as “humungous big”. These are hardly words you could accurately ascribe to Dean Skinns. According to the Bison web site, Deano is 5’6” and 120 lbs (that’s 8 stone 8 lbs for Heaven’s sake – surely not) and is akin to Lowry matchstick man under all that equipment. However, he must have appeared “humungous big” to Deadly Darius as he blocked the penalty shot. Celebration bordering on delirium and mental instability exploded from the Bison blocks, but no men in white coats were called to cart away the frenzied fans in strait jackets. Speedway Girl, holder of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society membership card number 001, was particularly euphoric.

Play restarted and the drama was not yet over. With only 8 seconds to go Deano saved the day again with a stop at the foot of his right hand post from Luke Ferrara. That was it. There was no time to call upon the fat lady nor indeed for the usual la-la-la-ing of “The Great Escape” by the Bison backers. The final buzzer sounded to terminate a pulsating game, which saw a splendid mascot performance by the Diminutive Enforcer. The win meant that Bison returned to zone zenith at the top of the EPL while a spirited Phantoms continued their Atlas existence propping up the pile, but surely one suspects, if they can perform like this, for not much longer.

Tigers’ Finnish Fellows Finish Bison

Bison 2 Telford Tigers 4

11/1/14

On a crazy night in the EPL when the top 3 all lost and the bottom 4 all won, Bison’s woeful loss at home to the financially reinvigorated Telford Tigers made for an atrabilious (yes it’s a real word) atmosphere at Planet Ice. However, it later transpired that the result mattered not a jot, mattered not one iota nor, for that matter, mattered in the slightest. Defeated Bison had maintained their top of the table position. But last night’s impressive performance by the Tigers, particularly from their Finnish imports Miika Kiviranta and Timo Kuuluvainen, sent a warning to the rest of the EPL – watch out.

The 1^st period was a relatively dull affair with Bison failing to put together the slick moves required to break the Telford D. As for the Tigers, they had plenty of shots, but most of them were woefully inaccurate with Dean Skinns in the Bison net called upon to stop only 4 on target efforts. The period was not, however, without incident. As early as the 4^th minute a pile up in front of the Bison goal ended with Dan Davies acquiring a 10 misconduct. 2 minutes later a 2 on 1 on the Bison goal saw Dean Skinns make a superb save from Rick Plant, but as he skated past the goal, Plant was planted into the boards by Joe Rand, who was called for checking from behind and given a 2 + 10.

Bison thought they had taken the lead in the 9^th minute. During a goal mouth mellée the referee lost sight of the puck and, so some amognst the Bison backers believed, lost his marbles as well. He thought the puck had been frozen and blew his whistle. But the puck was still live and was driven in by Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard. As the whistle had blown, the goal was washed off. It was still 0-0.

The 2^nd period saw the Tigers cease shooting at the sun and the moon and the stars up above or whatever it was they had been trying to hit in the 1^st period, and instead begin shooting at Dean Skinns. 14 shots they rained in on him and, unfortunately for Deano and the Bison backers, one went in. On 23 minutes Carl “Scooter” Graham was called for tripping. While he reclined in the box at Referee Cloutman’s pleasure, Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL (as I have already told you), had his liberty removed for a boarding offence. Bison had 41 seconds of a 5 on 3 to survive, which they did. However, before Baird could be granted his liberty, having done his time, the Tigers grabbed a goal. A slick move down the left involving Dan Davies and Scott McKenzie saw the latter finding Nathan Salem on the point. He skated in unopposed and fired a wrist shot past Skinns. The move may not have had the artistic merit of painting by van Gogh, but it certainly had much more than Damien Hirst’s half a sheep in a tank of Formaldehyde. Well what doesn’t? It was 1-0 Tigers. Atrabilious is the only word which could be used to accurately describe the dismal mood which the goal generated in the Bison blocks. And the Bison backers could have been made even more atrabilious 4 minutes later when former Bison favourite Uncle Joe Miller collected the puck on halfway, turned and found himself in on goal and 1 on 1 with Deano. His shot missed and 0-1 it remained.

Close to the end of the period an ugly and indeed opprobrious fracas occurred. Coach Sheppard, as adjudged by the officials, was guilty of a charging offence. The violence which consequently erupted between Michal Pavlu and Long Ciaron Long was not quite on a par with a mods v rockers confrontation on the beach at Margate circa 1965, insomuch as I didn’t see chains swung or razors wielded. However it was officially declared to be roughing and each went down the steps for 2 minutes.

The period ended with the Tigers enjoying a lead, despite a slightly improved performance from the home team, who managed 8 shots on Declan Ryan. He was proving to be a difficult man to beat and so when the Tigers scored again after a minute in the 3^rd it began looking very atrabilious for the table topping Bison. The Finnish Kiviranta finished well when he picked up a rebounded shot and slotted it past Skinns for 2-0 Tigers. Bliss, delight and elation were emotions ascribable to the Tigers' faithful at that moment, whereas their Bison counterparts were now experiencing gloom, doom, despondency, pain, anguish and sorrow. Marcus Maynard and Adam Walker were awarded assists.

Having been shut out at Telford last Sunday (I don’t mean they couldn’t get into the rink because it was locked up – you know what I’m talking about) and now having another blank score sheet for the first 2 periods in this game, a Bison recovery from 0-2 seemed as unlikely as the discovery of a previously unseen photograph of an paralytically intoxicated General Booth downing a yard of ale at a Salvation Army meeting. However, hockey is a funny game which can turn in seconds and indeed this one did – in 12 seconds to be precise. That was all the time it took for Bison to finally crack the rock that was Declan Ryan. Set up by Aaron “Billy” Connolly, Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba fired in a wrist shot from the point. In front of the net was Bison skipper Nicky Chinn, who got his stick in the way and deflected the puck into the roof of the net. The puck hit the net causing ripples to radiate out, as when a pebble is thrown into a calm mill pond, and then fell to the ice a spent force. The goal light was on, players arms were aloft and crowd were on their feet. It was 1-2 and there was hope.

Bison poured forward with a newly found vigour. The momentum was with them. But they had to beware of the attacking threat of the Tigers, particularly in the form of their Finnish imports Kiviranta and Kuuluvainen, who were looking a deadly pairing. To let their advantage slip now would have been as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A coming home and finding his eccentric butler using a bottle of his best vintage claret (perhaps a Château Lafitte ‘45) to swill out a chamber pot. But Bison did not beware and the Finnish fellows caught them with a quick break a little over a minute later. The former Finn fired in past Skinns from the latter Finn’s pass and the Tigers’ 2 goal advantage had been restored. Whereas the Tigers’ 2^nd goal had given the Bison backers feelings of sadness, sorrow and mild melancholia, this, their 3^rd goal, had them well and truly reaching for the Prozac to assuage their atrabilious feelings.

Then, 2 minutes later, it was the Tigers who let their advantage slip with a piece of carelessness. The puck broke loose to Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino, whose slap shot arrowed towards goal. No problem for Declan Ryan we thought as he raised his catcher and into the glove went the puck. Alas for the young netman the puck popped out again and looped rather tamely over his shoulder and in. Andy Melons’s unassisted goal made it 2-3 and everything to play for.

With 15 minutes remaining there was plenty of time for Bison to level it up and even snatch victory. It made for a very lively period with shots pouring in at both ends. In particular Melachrino impressed with some unbelievably fast breaks. He seems to be getting faster and faster week on week. The Man with 3 Ear-rings theorised that it was something to do with his hair. The longer it gets the faster he skates. The Sampson effect if you like. If he avoids a visit to the barber maybe Andy Melons will be but a blur by the end of the season.

The clock was ticking down and despite a few goal mouth scares the Tigers were holding firm. Bison needed to throw down the gauntlet and throw caution to the wind or they might just as well throw in the towel, not to mention throw in the sponge, there and then. Coach Sheppard called a time out. Out came the tactics board. We couldn’t hear what Maple Leaf Doug was saying, but it looked all good stuff as the players huddled round to hear his plan for snatching the all important levelling goal. Play resumed with Dean Skinns pulled from the net. Hopes ran high amongst the optimistic. Surely Coach Sheppard’s master plan must succeed? Well no actually. It backfired because within 16 seconds of the restart the Tigers sealed it with an empty net goal from Scott McKenzie assisted by Miller and Davies. Whereas before the goal the home fans were looking woebegone, now they reached new heights of wretchedness. Their hopes torn down, they tore at their clothes, tore their hair out and tore into their team. At 2-4 down with only 36 seconds remaining, the reappearance of Deano in the net indicated that the towel had been thrown in. The final buzzer sounded to indicate an end to proceedings and the end of an atrabilious (not that word again) evening for the Bison backers. The Tigers had bagged their 4^th win in a row and it had been an impressive performance achieved without the services of Owen Bennett being required (see previous reports).

Killer Karpov Turns the Screw

Bison 5 Manchester Phoenix 2

4/1/14

On Wednesday Bison had dramatically snatched the top spot in the EPL with a 4-3 win over the Guildford Flames at the Library, the winner coming from Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov only 20 seconds before the end of regular time. Now they faced nearest rivals the Manchester Phoenix in a top of the table showdown. A regulation win would push them 4 points clear of Phoenix. Re-enter Killer Karpov, the Grandmaster, Twinkle Toes Tommy – call him what you will. He was once again the hero with another 2 goal performance, which won him the Top Banana award and pushed Bison clear at the top. His current form is as sharp as the pointy end of a ship (OK “the bow” before any nautical people feel the need to write a letter of protest to Yachting Monthly).

It didn’t take long for Bison to surge into the lead – 4 minutes to be precise. An error in the Phoenix D resulted in Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino being handed the puck on a plate (not literally of course). He worked a position in front of the net and pulled the trigger. The goaltender saved, but handed the puck straight back to Andy Melons on another plate. This time he made no mistake as he swept it home on the backhand. It was 1-0 Bison.

Bison missed the opportunity of stamping their authority on the game and taking advantage of the absence of the virally infected Steve Fone, current no. 1 goaltender in the EPL. I don’t mean that there was no-one in the Phoenix net. There was. Paul Maudsley to be precise. An emergency draftee with no EPL experience, he must have been as terrified as if he had been swimming in treacle being pursued by an axe murderer. Only he can admit to or deny that. However, he acquitted himself well enough and kept Bison out for the remainder of the period.

Bison needed to step up a gear in the 2^nd. They had to put the Phoenix goal under much more pressure than they had in the 1^st. This they did and surged into a 4-0 lead with 3 goals in 4 minutes in the first half of the period, which had the Man with 3 Ear-Rings looking at the Phoenix bench, devoid of a back up goaltender, and jokingly enquiring of the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt, “have they got another nettie?” He knew they hadn’t. On 26 minutes Robin Kovar was called for a slash. Had the game been played 200 years ago, the offense might have been punished by transportation to the colonies. Thankfully it was not and so Kovar went to the box for 2 minutes rather than to Australia. In the resultant powerplay an attempted up-ice clearance was blocked by Cuddly Joe Greener. Long Ciaron Long picked it up and fired a pass inside to Aaron “Billy” Connolly, newly promoted to A-man to fill the vacancy left by Uncle Joe Miller. Billy arrowed the puck home for 2-0 Bison. Someone must have pushed the plunger because an explosion of celebration was suddenly detonated. The noise was akin to a ton of dynamite going up. Thankfully it didn’t or we’ve all have been blown sky high.

4 minutes later Bison slammed another powerplay goal to make it 3-0. Hand hooked and was carpeted. Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long for a shot, which came off the post and sat invitingly in the blue paint. Lumberjack Joe Rand reacted more quickly than the goaltender, reached his stick around like a giant mosquito proboscis and nudged the puck over the line.

If that wasn’t enough for the Phoenix fans to swallow they were well and truly biting the bullet a minute and a half later. They had to stomach a 4^th goal conceded. Once again Cuddly Joe Greener stopped a loose pass from leaving the zone and passed inside to set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov to add the final touch – a firm one timer snap shot into the net smashed in with the accuracy of a left hook delivered by Henry Cooper (‘Enry’s ‘ammer they used to call it). The goal caused the visiting fans to become morbid and morose, gloomy and glum. Their crests had fallen and their ardour dampened. 

Bison seemed to have the visitors’ card marked. Mark you, they could not afford to mark time. If the Phoenix marquee players could make their mark, they could mark the occasion by marking up a goal or two. Bison’s chances could be marked down and it would be full marks to Phoenix for a remarkable effort. But their fans had to wait until the 3^rd period to see a Lazarus style revival, as, by the end of the 2^nd, their team had mustered only 7 shots on target in 40 minutes of play so far. In the 2^nd interval Coach Hand must have handed his team a rocket up the rear or something equally discomfort inducing as they came out for the final period a changed team and one looking like it wanted to get into back the game and indeed emulate Lazarus.

A dim ray of Phoenix sunshine began to shine through the roof of Planet Ice only 2 minutes into the period. They had failed to take advantage of a power play opportunity early in the period with Coach Sheppard helping Mr. Cloutman with his enquiries. However, within seconds of the penalty being killed, Phoenix hammered in an even handed goal. Joe Graham set up Robin Kovar on the point for a slapshot, which was deflected in by our old friend Jaroslav Cesky, the Bouncing Czech. 1-4 became 2-4 on 49 minutes when McKinney and Cesky assisted Kovar to score. It was a bizarre chain of events which resulted in the goal with lots of players falling over, Keystone Cops style, and the area in front of Dean Skinns’s goal occupied by nearly as many bodies as there were in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, but thankfully on this occasion no-one was shot. For me to see how the puck was bundled in with so many obstructions would have required X-ray eyes, but what I did see was the referee signalling a goal and a goal it was. 2-4.

Could the visitors complete a come back? They certainly had the players to pull it off. At the end of the 2^nd and trailing 0-4 with a total of only 7 shots on target in 40 minutes of play, as I have already mentioned, such a revival had seemed as unlikely as Bobby Ewing coming back from the dead. But he did, emulating the aforementioned Lazarus. And they could. Tortuous doubts began to fill the tortured minds of the doubting Thomases amongst the Bison crowd, but it was another kind of Tomas who would shortly after put the result beyond doubt and the doubting Thomases out of their torture, as I shall shortly relate.

On 49 minutes and with Bison desperately defending a power play, Dean Skinns took a rocket propelled slap shot from Robert Schabel smack on the mask and crumpled to the ice with stars in his eyes and dickie birds circling his head. It looked grim and Speedway Girl, possessor of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society membership card number 001, looked very concerned as did we all. But Deano is made of stern stuff and, once the dickie birds had flown away he was ready to carry on as if nothing had happened.

Bison needed to return to scoring ways to kill off the Phoenix revival and prevent them from rising from the flames. The man of the moment was once again Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. An interchange between Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino and Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL (I have already told you that), set Killer Karpov up wide left. He skated forward with speed akin to an F1 race car on full throttle. By contrast the pursuing D could muster merely the speed of a mobility scooter with a flat battery. They were certainly not Johnny-on-the-spot, but looked like so many Johnny-come-latelies.  Had they gone off to the john? The goaltender must have felt as if he’d been sent a Dear John letter by his D. Karpov headed straight for goal and let loose his wrist shot. Had the goaltender been 6 feet wide and 4 feet high (and as a result rather strange looking) he could have blocked the shot. But he wasn’t and indeed couldn’t. The net bulged, the goal light came on, the referee pointed to the net with a flat hand. It was 5-2 Bison. The goal was met by an outburst of joyful conviviality amongst the Bison backers. Had they been ingesting banned substances to produce such a euphoric effect? Let’s hope not.

Bison’s 5th goal was the last straw for the visiting fans. All they had left were straws to clutch at. No need to take a straw poll. Their team had drawn the short straw and their chances of winning were now nothing more than straws in the wind. Their team had proved to be men of straw. The final buzzer sounded and Bison had purloined the points with a pulsating performance, pleasing to the partisan paying patrons of Planet Ice. The paracletes, if not the paraketes, of their protagonsits’ posse were left to pacify and provide a palliative prop to their pained pals. What the .....?

A final mention must go to Phoenix coach Tony Hand. Carl “Scooter” Graham had high sticked Liam Chong in the face and received a 5 + match with only 2:12 on the clock. Before the end of the period Coach Hand got Liam back on the ice for a token shift so that Graham’s penalty could be downgraded to a game, which ensured he does not miss the road game at Telford tonight. A fine example of sportsmanship and a generous gesture which wins friends amongst rival supporters. Perhaps the dirty Dogs of Sheffield might like to take note.