Bison Bombs Obliterate Slough

Bison 6 Slough Jets 2

3/11/2012

Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough!

It isn't fit for humans now

So, rather unkindly in my view, wrote the late Poet Laureate, Sir John Betjeman. Last night at Planet Ice bombs did indeed fall on Slough, but not the type that Sir John envisaged. The Berkshire visitors were subjected to a 4 goal 2^nd period blitzkrieg including an explosive 76 second treble strike which propelled Bison into a game winning position.

The 1^st period ended scoreless, but was not without incident. Halfway through the period Adam Greener attempted to check Lumberjack Joe Rand, but the Canadian, like a slippery eel, managed to avoid the robust challenge of Greener who missed and checked himself into the boards. Joe had the better of Adam all night and this may well have been a catalyst for the malodorous incident which was to occur in the 2^nd period – more about that later.

Shortly after a Greg “Chubbs” Chambers shot struck the mask of Greg Rockman, who must have been thankful to Jacques Plante (Google him). We were then treated to a wonderful move from Greg “The Specs” Owen. It was sheer artistry, as he powered through the Slough defense like a Chindit hacking through the Burma jungle, although thankfully no machete was involved. He passed to Shoeless Joe Miller, whose snap shot was saved. Then the lethal Lithuanian, Mindy Kieras, blotted his copybook. The whistle blew for offside as Mindy was shaping up to take a slapshot. Rather than stay his hand he decided to shoot anyway, hitting Stonewall Stevie Lyle. “Are you deaf?” enquired the Howling Man of Mr. Kieras at full volume from Block C. Bison skipper Tony “Tosh” Redmond was quick to reprimand the wayward Lithuanian as was referee Szuchs.

The 2^nd period opened in lively fashion with Greg “The Specs” Owen again demonstrating that he has more artistry than Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst put together. This time he received a pinpoint pass from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers and, as he glided over the Jets’ blueline, he proved as elusive as a solitary strand of linguini drizzled in olive oil slipping through the prongs of a fork. Alas his wrist shot was gobbled up by goaltender Greg Rockman, who showed that he is worth his salt. However, the Jets’ D were about to show that they were as flaky as choux pastry and as full of holes as a Swiss cheese as Bison proved they can cut the mustard and jumped on the goal gravy train. They scrambled, battered and mashed the Slough D and poached 3 goals in less time than it would take to boil an egg. The first goal, a power play goal on 31 minutes was a sweet one for the Bison faithful and a sour one for the visiting fans. A delicious move between Owen and Miller set up Rand plumb in front of goal. Joe delivered a peach of a shot, so sweet it should have had a cherry on top. 1-0 to Bison.

A mere 27 seconds later it was 2-0. Set up by Cuddly Joe Greener and Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino, Coach Sheppard fire a low shot past the hapless Rockman. Only 49 seconds of play passed before it was 3-0. Tosh Redmond forced a turnover and Shoeless Joe Miller broke clear to rifle home a top shelfer. A time out called by the Jets, who were now wobbling like a Chivers jelly.

The period ended in spectacular style with a fight and a 4^th Bison goal. Adam Greener launched a seemingly unprovoked attack on Lumberjack Joe Rand at centre ice. Joe turtled (well why wouldn’t you?) whereupon the Jets blueliner stood over him and hammered his fists (at least 4 punches) into his prostrate form whilst an official tried to intervene. Greener appeared to cause more damage to himself than to Joe as he was later seen holding to his hand a bag of ice, which I would doubt was destined for his post-game Martini. The Bison faithful were appalled. “Bring back the birch” shouted the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. Fortunately for Greener Mr. Szuchs didn’t have the constitutional power to do so and the crowd had to be content with merely a 2 + 2 + 10 minute custodial sentence for Greener. Many felt that a game penalty would have been appropriate. During the resultant power play Bison stormed into a 4-0 lead. Their 5 forwards power play team made Slough pay, albeit in a rather comical fashion. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers delivered a slap shot from the point, but failed to connect in quite the manner he would have liked. The puck bobbled and bounced tamely through Rockman’s 5-hole deflecting off a stick on the way. Some thought that stick belonged to Joe Rand, who had crashed the net, but the goal was awarded to Chubbs with an assist from Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky. It is a shame that it was not possible to give an assist to Lumberjack Joe, whose presence can only have distracted and possibly also unsighted Rockman. Had the embarrassed goaltender been Captain Kirk, he would doubtless have wanted Scottie to beam him up to the Starship Enterprise and away from this misery.

And so into the 3^rd period. Slough finally chalked up a goal on 48 minutes. With Michael Wales doing time for a cross check, man mountain Frantisek Bakrlik, at 231 lbs, half a stone lighter than Adam Greener, but 7” taller, raced clear of a forward committed Bison power play unit and scored a short hander. The officials weren’t sure, but consulted Honest Pete, the goal judge, who confirmed that he had lit up. 4-1 it was. Soon after Bakrlik pushed Alex Symons into the boards and an unseemly brawl broke out. It was a scandalous confrontation of both the verbal and physical kind, which ended with both players going “down the steps”.

4 minutes later Bison restored their 4 goal advantage. Owen’s shot was saved by Rockman, but he could only spill the puck into the blue paint like a hot potato. Shoeless Joe Miller was on hand to drag the spud wide of the committed netman and rifle it home for 5-1. Rand and Owen picked up assists. Whilst still scribbling my notes the Jets scored again – only 25 seconds of play later. Don’t ask me to describe the goal, but I can tell you it was scored by the follicly challenged Matt Towlaski assisted by Michael Wales. At 2-5 could Slough come back, even at this late stage? To the glass half full Bison fans, this looked as unlikely as Rick Waller riding a Shetland pony to a win in the Epsom Derby and so it proved. It would be Bison coach, Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard, who would round off the scoring with less than 2 minutes on the clock. His first effort was muffed. But the puck went straight to Cesky, whose return pass was put in by the coach with the accuracy of a javelin thrown by Fatima Whitbread. The Bison crowd voiced their appreciation. Some shouted “YES”, others “GOAL”, maybe others “HURRAH!” (unlikely) or “BRAVO!” (very unlikely) or even “JOLLY HOCKEY STCIKS” (no). Suffice it to say, it all blended into a “wall of sound”, of which Phil Spector would have been proud (Google him if you like).

And so an impressive 6-2 win for Bison with much for the Bison faithful to cheer, not least the performance of new signing Jaroslav Cesky and 2 goals each for Miller and Sheppard. However, they were all pipped to the Man of the Match award by the admirable Lumberjack Joe Rand, who would later disclaim a Gordie Howe hat-trick (a goal, an assist and a fight) as he hadn’t thrown a punch during the unsavoury confrontation with Adam Greener.