Mettam’s Night of Shame

Bison 3 Bracknell Bees 1

21/9/13

“It was a game of two halves, Gary.” The parlance of a football manager. This was a game, not of two halves or even three thirds, but one of three goaltenders. Bison’s Dean Skinns and the Bees’ Tom Annetts both performed admirably, but, as for starting Bees goaltender, Alex Mettam, it was not so much a “Nightmare on Elm Street”, but a nightmare on Planet Ice, as he was pulled from the net at 0-3 with only 14 minutes gone. There is no doubting the guy’s ability. He finished top of the EPL save percentages chart last season, ahead even of Stevie Lyle for Heavens sake. But his big contract move to the Bees has not started well. You have to feel for the guy. However, Mettam is a class act and I have no doubt he will be back on top form soon.

Bison romped into the lead on 9 minutes. Cuddly Joe Greener carried the puck across the ice, but was knocked off balance and fell, not from grace but on his face, forwards, frontally and forlornly. The Bees failed to take possession of the loose puck, leaving Tim “The Mole” Burrows to steam in and rifle the puck top shelf past a despairing Mettam for an unassisted goal and 1-0 Bison. The enthusiastic crowd effervesced effervescently as they effused an effervescent enthusiasm. If the hapless netman, who in all fairness had been beaten by the sheer power of the shot on this occasion, was angry to have conceded, his night was about to descend to basement level and end in embarrassment, shame and ignominy. 4 minutes later the Bees were 0-3 in arrears and a pulled Mettam had to watch the remainder of the game from the bench. 

It was 2-0 on 10 minutes. Lumberjack Joe Rand set up Cameron “Popeye” Wynn with a drop pass. Cam carried the puck forwards and then unleashed a shot from the slot. Alas for Mettam the shot may have been stoppable, but not by him. Down in semi butterfly with one leg up and the other going down he could not stop the puck deflecting off his pad and squirting through the 5-hole. Supporters of “Popeye” Wynn, a very popular player amongst the Bison backers, showed their approbation in the most vigorous manner. It was a shame that Olive Oyl, Swee’Pee and Wimpy were not present to witness the goal. Well how could they be – they’re only cartoon characters.

On 14 minutes it was 3-0. Fed by Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba, Tomas “ Grandmaster” Karpov received the puck on the boards, skated forward and cut in towards goal. He charged forward like a puma in full flight (OK I know pumas don’t fly). The Bracknell D would have stopped him if they could, but alas, in relative terms, they could muster merely the speed of constipated tortoises. The Grandmaster released his shot, we heard a thud, on came the goal light – the puck had gone through Mettam, deflecting off his blocker.

With Bison in a commanding position, the supporters of the dumbledores from Bracknell became hagrid and wanted to snape their team (they’re all real words you know – look them up if you don’t believe me). Bees’ coach, Gareth Cox, immediately called a time out. It was looking ominous for Mettam and, as far as Cox was concerned, “I have had all I can stand. I can’t stands no more!”, as Popeye might have said. Mettam’s night was over. He suffered the ultimate netminder’s ignominy of being pulled from the net. Bison old boy Tom Annetts took over and, in justification of Cox’s decision, shut the Bison forwards out for the remainder of the game. However, the damage had been done and, at 0-3 down, the Bees’chances of winning the game looked all but smashed to smithereens as surely as an ASBO toting hooligan with a sledgehammer would shatter a 15^th century Ming vase.

Early in the 2^nd a Rand effort nearly crept in through Annetts’s skates, but came to rest at the foot of the post and was cleared. Had it gone in it would have been another goaltending embarrassment. The Man with 3 Earrings was moved to enquire, “Have they got a 3^rd goaltender?” Moments later at the other end, Bison netman, Dean Skinns, stopped a puck with his throat, unwisely but involuntarily, and went down in obvious discomfort. All were concerned, especially Speedway Girl, who holds the Deans Skinns Appreciation Society membership card number 001, as she rose from her seat with a look of worry etched into her features. “He doesn’t wear a throat guard,” said the Bespectacled Youth. “Why not?” asked the Man with 3 Earrings. “Because it restricts your movement and is uncomfortable, like a dog collar” said the Youth. “Life must be hell for vicars,” thought the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. Soon after Deano was up and able to carry on, his recovery greeted by a generous round of applause from all present. His throat may have been bruised, but his ability had not been impaired in any way as he proved when, shortly after, with Tosh Redmond in the box for hooking, he prevented Lukas Smital from scoring a short handed goal and then stopped Grant Rounding from rounding off a one on one with a wonderful splits save and catch, which drew gasps of approval from all. Rounding left the ice crestfallen and exhausted looking a broken man, sapped of energy and confidence. How were they going to find a way past the Bison backstopper?

On 30 minutes, Scott Spearing, second only to André Payette as everyone’s favourite pantomime villain, received a 2 + 10 misconduct for checking from behind and then airing his views, in the most polite manner I am sure, to the officials who had called the illegal check. Then came the highlight of the period for many - a most tremendous bone crunching body check from Carl “Scooter” Graham on Grant Rounding. The noise of the massive collision reverberated around Planet Ice as Graham hammered the hapless Bee against the boards. Such was the force of the check that it was surprising that Rounding was not reduced to the thickness of an After 8 mint. He may have looked a broken man before (see above). Now he was lucky not to actually be one.

A minute later Grandmaster Karpov, fed by Cuddly Joe Greener, hammered the puck just wide of the post, the puck ending up in the outside of the net. It appeared to have gone in, at least so the goal judge thought. His light shone out like a red warning beacon on a stormy night. However, 4-0 it wasn’t. The puck was retrieved and a face off ensued. 

Into the 3^rd we went and on 46 minutes Stuart “The Cat” Mogg nearly embarrassed Tom Annetts, who was attempting to harvest the puck behind his net. Mogg dispossessed him, but unfortunately lost his stick in the process and was unable to make anything more of his never say die effort. Moments later the Bees pulled one back through Bison alumnus, Oli Bronniman. Set up by Spearing and Thompson, Oli took a cross ice pass on the right wing and cut in towards goal. Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba moved across to cut him off, but could not prevent the Margate Marauder from delivering a powerful wrist shot, which flew between Skinns and post to bulge the net behind. It was 3-1. The Bison D had been caught with their trousers down, but thankfully only metaphorically speaking (hockey is family entertainment after all).

With 14 minutes of the final period to play and Annetts looking rock solid, to let the Bees back into the game was to the Bison faithful as undesirable as finding half a maggot in the apple you’re eating (think about it). However, Bison played a game of containment and, with Skinns also looking rock solid, never looked in danger of allowing the Bees to make it a one goal game and bring on a nerve jangling finale.

With just over a minute left, the Bees were forced to throw caution to the wind. Annetts hammered off to leave his net a yawning chasm and on came a 6^th skater. Could the Bees grab 2 late goals to force the game into overtime? That seemed as unlikely as a meths swilling vagrant with one leg and an eye patch, but alas no deodorant, being able to blend in with the guests in the Royal Enclosure at Ascot. And so it proved. However, Bracknell had to survive a couple of worrying moments.  First a lobbed shot failed to find the empty net and then Bison skipper Nicky Chinn miraculously wriggled his way through after appearing to have lost possession of the puck twice, but his diagonal pass had Aaron “Billy” Connolly stretching to reach it and he could only put the shot wide. That was virtually it. The fat lady was singing, but her regal rendition was rendered redundant by the raucous rumpus and riotous rejoicing and revelling of the rowdy rabble. Had Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Martha Longhurst been amongst the spectators, they would no doubt have wished to break out the milk stout in celebration (Who? You obviously didn’t watch Coronation Street in the ‘60s – Honest Pete did). 

Minnie (and Bobby), Ena and Martha (posted up just for Honest Pete)