Stonewall Stevie Spoils the Bison Party

Bison 1 Swindon Wildcats 2

14/9/13

 

Was it the ghost of Jacob Marley complete with clanking chains who had returned to haunt Planet Ice? Or maybe a headless horseman or some other ghostly, ghastly apparition? No it was former Bison goaltender, Stonewall Stevie Lyle, who, apart from an embarrassing error failing to prevent the Bison goal, was a colossus of the net all night. The Wildcats are by no means a one man team, but, as he did last season for Bison, Lyle will undoubtedly win them a lot of games this season as he did last night. Well done to Stevie and the Cats who must be very pleased to start the season in winning form. 

The game started well for Bison, who took the lead after only 6 minutes. There was considerable dispute amongst the fans, to whom I spoke, as to who scored the goal. A player who I thought was Tomas Karpov skated across the goal and sent in a rather tame looking back handed shot towards the goal. The puck appeared to pea roll past Lyle between pad and post with another Bison player lurking at the back door. The scorer was announced as Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba with Karpov and Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrion picking up the assists. Did the back door man get a touch? Was it Vantroba who sent in the backhander? Why ask me? I have no idea. All I can say is that such was Stonewall Stevie’s embarrassment by being beaten by such a slow moving shot that he must have wished for the ice to open up and swallow him. Bearing in mind the state of the Planet Ice ice, that could have happened. To greet the goal the Bison backers bubbled over boisterously as if bonkers. Perhaps they really had gone bananas. Waving arms in the air, jumping up and down, shouting incoherently and hugging strangers. Are those the actions of the sane?

The game continued to ebb and flow, mainly at the Cat’s end, but the visitors certainly had their moments too. They almost bagged a shorthanded goal on 13 minutes. Coach Aldridge, having had his collar felt for elbows, was languishing in the box and watched as Jonas Höög, a man nearly as dangerous as Dangerous Brian, barrelled forward and produced a fine save from Skinns at the base of his right hand post. Moments later Marvelous Miroslav threatened to take of Lyle’s head with a vicious slap shot from the slot only to see the puck bounce off the netman and away.

The Cats returned the score to parity inside the last minute of the period. Sam Smith fed Henri Sandvik, who moved in on Skinns. Deano presumably thought that Sandvik was going to move to a shooting position in front of the net and came off his post to narrow the angle. Alas in doing so he left a gap, into which Sandvik shot. The goal caused ecstasy to circulate around the Wildcats block (not in pill form thankfully). Despite a shot count of 16 to 5 in Bison's favour for the period, the scores were level and in the interval the Bison fans raked over the coals, mostly satisfied that, although on level terms, Bison had dominated the 1^st period and should be able to produce more of the same in the 2^nd. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, mused as he chomped into his interval hot dog. Fortunately he had remembered to take the concealed cyanide capsule out of his mouth before he tucked in. (Oi! Let’s not go through all this again. I told you last season this man really exists).

The 2^nd period started badly and then went steadily downhill for Bison. In the 33^rd minute there was a scramble in front of the Bison net and some, mainly Wildcats players, thought that the puck had crossed the line. The Man with 3 Earrings told me that the goal light had actually come on. However, the officials said “No goal.” The Bespectacled Youth told me that the goal had been “washed off”, but I didn’t see anyone out there with mops and buckets of soapy water. Perhaps I misheard.

The turning point of the game occurred with a second Cats goal on 35 minutes. With Aaron “Billie” Connolly doing a stretch, the Cats carved open the Bison penalty kill unit, in which there appeared to be more holes than in Ena Sharples’s hair net. (If you weren’t a Corrie fan in the 60s/70s you might have to Google Ena or see below). Smith’s cross ice pass found Alex Symonds near the point with a huge gap between goaltender and post. He made no mistake. The Cats fans’ spirits elevated to a new level of nirvana. As for the Bison fans, some looked down in the mouth, others sat open mouthed.  Some put their hands on their heads, others hung their heads. Some cast their eyes Heavenwards, others cast their match programmes to the floor. Some bemoaned the Cats’ scoring feat, others merely shuffled their feet. A few may even have done all of those things.

 Ena Sharples

Bison almost restored parity a minute later when Lumberjack Joe Rand wriggled and jiggled his way through from a wing position to set himself up in front of the net, but Lyle saved his shot and also Joe’s second shot from the rebound. Moments later Cuddly Joe Greener was dumped on his posterior by a blatant shirt pull missed by the officials. Suddenly a familiar barrage of sound arose in Block C. The Howling man was giving vent to his views. Explosive anger - incandescent rage - apoplectic fury. Take your pick. The Howling Man was showing the attributes of all three as he attempted to acquaint the arbitrator with his assessment of the adjudication. All to no avail and the period terminated.

In the interval it was revealed that the winner of the lucky programme free pizza was none other than our old friend the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A. It was supposed to be “delivered to your seat”, but in direct contradiction of this promise his presence was demanded on the other side of the rink to take possession of the circular consumable. Did this qualify as a contravention of the Trades Descriptions Act? Maybe. We watched with interest as he made his way back to his seat carrying a square cardboard box containing the culinary delight which was his prize. The rink lights reflected off his polished pate and saliva dribbled from his mouth. On his triumphant return to the very seat to which the pizza should have been “delivered” he immediately acquired friends he never knew he had. The Bespectacled Youth and Mystic Matthew were two of the vultures who descended upon the hapless Rabble Rouser and the pizza was devoured in less time than it would take the Desperate Dan lookalike to consume a cow pie. By the time the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt arrived, it was too late – every last slice had been hoovered up.

Back to the hockey. No sooner had the 3^rd opened than Sam Smith was sent to the naughty boy’s step with a 10 misconduct, presumably for verbals to the officials. He watched on as his team nearly romped further ahead shortly after. Joe Baird lost possession of the puck to allow Bullas and Sandvik to break clear. It was a 2 on 0 and a certain score. Or was it? Well no because Skinns was determined not to be skinned and pulled off a superb spreadeagle save. To execute this the goaltender makes like a frog with a skate on each post and no 5-hole, leaving the shooter no option but to shoot high. The Bespectacled Youth, goaltender extraordinaire, tells me this is a very difficult manoeuvre to get spot on, but Deano managed it and, even better, gloved the shot.

Enter Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. Höög was away and in on Skinns, but was prevented from shooting by a Vantroba hook. In to the box he went and we were left wondering why no penalty shot had been awarded. 7 minutes later Vantroba won a challenge for the puck on the boards, facing back towards his own goal. He then swept round in an arc and, seeing his opportunity, headed towards goal, slicing through as easily as a Stanley knife would cut through a sheet of paper. His movement possessed the beauty, finesse and elegance of Canova’s Three Graces. As for the movement of the Cats’ D trying to stop him, well that possessed the beauty, finesse and elegance of Ena Sharples. Marvellous Miroslav was in on Lyle and rifled in his shot. As we have seen so often, Stevie had stayed on his feet, as Miro shot high. The shot cannoned away off his shoulder. The Man with 3 Earrings was moved to comment of Miro “And he’s a D-Man”.

The clock ticked down with the Cats resolutely defending their winning position. Bison pulled their goaltender but to no avail. Notwithstanding some hairy late moments for the Cats, Lyle was not to be beaten and the buzzer sounded to proclaim a fine Cats’ road win to open the season. The headbanger commented afterwards “Lyle might as well have left the ice for a cup of tea. We were never going to beat him.” It’s a pity he hadn’t as that would have left an empty net.

With no wedge of the Bearded Rabble Rouser’s pizza remaining, the Desperate Dan lookalike wanted to devour a cow pie to lift his spirits, but alas the Planet Ice food bar had run out. He would have to wait until he got home where the lady who feeds him cow pies could …………..feed him a cow pie.