Miller Shoots Downs the Dogs

Bison 5 Sheffield Steeldogs 4 (shoot out)

29/12/13

It was ordained. In the stars. Bound to happen. Uncle Joe Miller rifled home a shoot out winner for Bison in his last game for the Basingstoke icemen. What a fitting way to end this lethal goalscorer and ever popular player’s 2½ season spell, which has yielded over 80 goals. 

Following on from their uncharacteristic blueline horror show at Swindon the previous evening when the Bison pipes were penetrated no fewer than 7 times, it looked as if they were going to continue where they had left off, as it took only a minute for the Steeldogs to snatch the lead. André Payette ground out the puck from the boards and passed inside to Lubomir Kohron, who fired in across Dean Skinns. 1-0 Steeldogs.

The lead was doubled on 8 minutes. An all Canadian battle for the puck on the boards between Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard and Greg “Chubbs” Chambers resulted in the latter taking possession of the puck and firing it to the top of the crease where Andrew Hirst lurked suspiciously. A clever deke and then shot straight through Deano’s 5-hole saw the puck cross the line. It was 2-0 Dogs and melancholic, but thankfully not alcoholic, despondency bordering on funereal perturbation flowed through the Bison blocks. Things were looking grim.

What could have been a final nail in the Bison coffin then occurred. With the unsavoury Craig Elliott serving time for high sticks, Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba shaped to take a slap shot from the blue line. As his stick hit the ice it broke in half and the puck squirted back to Kohron who was away. Marvellous Miroslav skated back and tried to recover. Both skaters slid to the ice. Some said it was a legal hip check, others, including the referee, said it was a trip. The call was made and Vantroba didn’t like it. He protested so strongly that he received a game penalty. The crowd didn’t like that at all. Some began to turn ugly. Others were ugly already. They howled their protest. All they needed were some pitchforks to wave to resemble a mob of angry villagers. But the decision was not going to be reversed and off went a furious Marvellous Miroslav, leaving Bison (with the injured Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds not icing) very thin on the blueline.

It could have been 0-3 moments later. The Dogs got the puck in the net, but the net had been pushed off its moorings by Aaron “Billy” Connolly and the goal was washed off. The Howling Man must have seen a Dogs’ infringement prior to the net coming off as he cranked up to full volume and let his considered opinion be known. All I caught were the words “You stupid idiot” and it must be a matter of speculation as to whom these words were addressed. Connolly served his time and then on his next shift he made the goal at the other end move (at least the net part) as he rifled in a wrist shot from the point on a delayed penalty. There was a sudden release of tension in the Bison blocks. Their reaction to the goal didn’t limply or apologetically ooze or dribble out, but very unapologetically jetted and indeed spewed forth in a projectile fashion. All appeared overjoyed. All that is apart from the Howling Man. He had begun a new rant about something the officials had missed immediately prior to the goal and continued it in the aftermath. His protest, although easily audible, was typically incomprehensible. He may have been enquiring whether or not referee Cloutman had been to Specsavers and, if so, suggesting that he return to the aforementioned emporium of optical correction for new glasses with thicker lenses. In fact, he may even have been offering to replace the lenses himself with the sawn off bottoms of Coke bottles. Never mind it was a goal and Bison were back in the game at 1-2. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov were awarded assists.

The 3^rd opened in the same way that the 1^st had i.e. with a Dogs goal. Lee Haywood fired in a wrist shot from the blue line (assisted by Duncombe and Calvert) and it was 1-3 Dogs. Things were not going well for Bison. Although not playing significantly worse than their guests, they were letting in avoidable goals and making life difficult for themselves. Could they come back? If they continued in the same vein, their task would be as difficult and sitting on a cornflake without crushing it. But the Bison backers needn’t have worried because on 26 minutes the Dogs were undone by a cat – Stuart “The Cat” Mogg to be precise. Jake Thackray once sang a song entitled “The Hole” (Youtube it – it’s a piece of musical comedy genius). When writing it he must have been inspired by the Dogs’ D because there was a bloody great hole in that, as Cuddly Joe Greener rifled a through pass to “The Cat”, who hammered forward, catching the Dogs in a 2 on 1 situation. As he raced towards goal with Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino in support, only a blackguard, cad or scoundrel of the most opprobrious kind would have accused the solitary D-man’s team mates of not trying their damndest to get back to snuff out Bison’s advantage. However, they just couldn’t. Mogg drew the D-man and then rifled an across the crease pass to Andy Melons who hammered in the puck with the accuracy of a bolt fired from the crossbow of William Tell. At 2-3 they were well and truly back in the game.

Bison pressed hard to level things up, but, as the period progressed, they seemed to run out of ideas with much dumping of the puck into the corners and endless grinding with no end product.

The 2^nd interval found the Bison backers in pensive mood. The Bespecatcled Youth and the Potty Man adjusted their specs. The Man from MI5 fiddled with the camera concealed in his bowtie. Oxobloke poured himself another cup of gravy from his Thermos flask (yes he really does drink gravy) and the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A furtively rubbed hair restorer into his polished pate. What were they all thinking? I have no idea.  

Bison had to step up their game, increase the pressure, turn the screw, force the Dogs back. This they did and it took only 3 minutes for them to level it and with the fastest power play goal seen at Planet Ice for many a year – only 4 seconds. André Payette, the Dogs’ player coach (agent provocateur, donkey, pie-face, pantomime villain, human wrecking ball, mean bastard - call him what you like he won’t care), fell foul of the law and was called for slashing and took a seat in the can. He must have been fuming as his penalty kill unit didn’t live up to its title. Goaltender Dalibor Sedlar must have been disappointed as Cuddly Joe Greener’s speculative wrist shot from the blueline went straight through him. Long Ciaron Long and Zach “Sully” Sullivan assisted. It was level at 3-3 and all to play for.

Alas for Bison the Dogs retook the lead 2 minutes later with an avoidable goal of their own. Ben Morgan’s blueline shot sqeezing in under Dean Skinn’s arm. The unsavoury Craig Elliot and Andrew Hirst picked up the assists.

Bison continued to press and levelled it up once more in the 52^nd minute with another powerplay goal. The eagle eyed Mr. Cloutman spotted the Dogs changing on an icing. Perhaps he had been to Specsavers in the interval, as the Howling Man had advised. Once again the Dogs’ penalty kill unit didn’t. Karpov set up Greener, whose shot was wickedly and cleverly deflected high and in by Long Ciaron Long for his 5^th goal in 4 games since rejoining Bison. Had any of the Bison backers been dressed as Victorian ladies, they would have burst their corsets in celebration I am sure. However, I saw no-one so attired. It was 4-4.

Bison threw the kitchen sink at the hapless Dogs, who were now hanging on for grim death. Things couldn’t have been hotter for the goaltender than if he had been languishing in a bath of Ring of Fire Red Pepper and Roasted Garlic Hot Sauce whilst sucking through a straw a cocktail of  Dinosaur Wango Tango Habanero Hot BBQ Sauce and Bee Sting Mango Passion Pepper Sauce (they all really exist you know). Could they hold on for the point and a chance of an overtime or shoot out win? Yes they could. The buzzer sounded with the Dogs thankful to have survived several blue paint scrambles and a period utterly dominated by Bison with a shot count of 15-3. 

There was no overtime decider and so into a penalty shoot out we went. The goaltenders comfortably saved from the first 5 shooters, so it was up to Uncle Joe Miller with the final shot. As he skated forward with intent and determination, the Bison crowd jumped to their feet and threatened to bring down the roof of Planet Ice like the ceiling in the Apollo theatre with the loudest noise heard since the eruption on Krakatoa in 1883. Joe didn’t pussyfoot around. From the goaltender’s right he rifled in a top shelfer to win the game. What a way to end his final game as a Bison player. It was a parting gift to a Bison crowd, for whom he had already done so much in his 2½ seasons. As for the Dogs, they also departed, back to their kennel with tails between their legs, but nevertheless with a point in the bag.

Bison Bag the Bounty as Bees Bumble and Blunder

Bison 1 Bracknell Bees 0

21/12/13

It was a relatively quiet night at Planet Ice with both the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired Lady not in attendance and thus depriving their fellow fans of their considered opinions. Bison bagged the points in this Christmas prelude game, but this could not be described as champagne hockey unless you had consumed lots of the aforementioned alcoholic beverage before you passed judgement. It wasn’t a great performance by Bison, clearly suffering from the absence of injured Joe Rand, but the Bees, also with a number of scratches to be fair, looked pretty well as flat as a pukka pie which had been put through granny’s mangle. A shut out for Dean Skinns, but not one which he had to work very hard to achieve. Sure he stopped 21 on target shots, but they were routine saves by his standards and he wasn’t required to produce the heroics which we have been so used to seeing from him in recent weeks. To be brutally frank the Bees lines looked as ineffectual as one composed of Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Martha Longhurst.

 

The 1^st period saw Bison well on top, outshooting the Bees by 11-4, but with neither side giving the goal judges anything to do. The period was not, however, without incident, culminating in a flurry of penalties starting in the 13^th minute with the Bees called for too many men on the ice. 53 seconds into the 5 on 4 power play Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov was sent down the steps for high sticking, making it a 4 on 4, which was to become a 4 on 3 shortly afterwards following an opprobrious fracas of the most virulent variety. It began with a robust interchange on the boards behind the goal between Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds and Scott “The Turtle” Spearing, everybody’s favourite agitator. The whistle blew and the players drifted apart. Suddenly and for reasons known only to the two players, Spearing charged towards Reynolds intent on inflicting serious injury upon his person. He looked just about as angry as King Kong would look if he had had his last banana nicked by a naughty gibbon. Kurt stood his ground as the officials waded in and slapped a 2 roughing on the ratlike Spearing. The two were to clash again later in the game as I shall reveal.

Bison snatched the lead in the 28^th minute. Lukas Smital fell foul of the law. He slashed and was observed doing so. Incarceration beckoned for the hapless Czech. However, the kindly Uncle Joe Miller ensured that Smital did not serve his full sentence. A cross ice pass from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba set up his fellow blueliner Zach “Sully” Sullivan for the slapshot. All Alex Mettam wanted for Christmas was a shutout, but clearly he must have been naughty at some stage during the year as Santa didn’t grant his wish. Uncle Joe deflected Sully’s shot past the hapless netman and it was 1-0 Bison. The concession of the go behind goal caused the Bees’ faithful to become fraught with worry. Hair began turning grey and brows wrinkled. In contrast, the goal caused the Bison faithful to kick into touch, cast aside, consign to the garbage can and give the elbow to their reservations as they celebrated in a hearty, loud and raucous manner. Had any Australians been present they may have described the goal as bonzer, fair dinkum or a spiffy rip snorter. They would have patted their pet Joey and broken out a tinny or two in celebration. It was 1-0 Bison.

Shortly afterwards Bison were gifted 2 minutes of a 5 on 3. First of all Shaun Thompson was banged up for holding, then a bench penalty for delay of game was called on the hapless Bees for procrastination at the face off. Surely with a full 2 minutes available and outnumbering the Bees as heavily as Sitting Bull outnumbered Custer at the Battle of the Little Bighorn, Bison must score. Alas for the Bison backers, no. The Bees desperately defended the 5 on 3 and in the end the effect was the same as if the Bees had had an inexhaustible supply of fresh D-men to send onto the ice without the requirement to withdraw the tired ones, so that their defensive zone had become choc-a-bloc with a crowd of milling blueliners packed together like sardines, not to mention multiple Alex Mettam clones guarding the net. But in reality there was no legion of goaltender clones nor a battalion of sardine-esc blueliners, just one netman and 3 D-men, performing so effectively that Bison could find no way to score.

The period ended with the solitary goal separating the teams. We had seen a much improved performance from the Bees matching Bison shot for shot. Alas for them Dean Skinns had gobbled up all their goal attempts with the greatest of ease.

Bison came close to increasing their lead early in the 3^rd. Long Ciaron Long intercepted a wayward pass in the neutral zone and barrelled forward. The Bees blueliners bundled back like billy-o. You could not accuse them of behaving like slothful and lethargic devil-may-cares (is that a real word?). They tried their best but they couldn’t catch Long Ciaron. Their pursuit was as hopeless as if, mounted on a rusty foldaway shopping bike with flat tyres and a broken chain, they tried to pursue Sir Bradley Wiggins in full flight on a carbon fibre Pinarello Graal time trial bike. Alas for Bison it was at the end of Long’s shift and he looked pretty well done in. He could manage only a slap shot from range, which Mettam comfortably saved, before he exited over the wall to recuperate.

Shortly afterwards Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds took a puck to the face, renting his visor asunder and gashing his nose. The shooter at close range was Scott “The Turtle” Spearing, who clearly thought he was going to be called and almost certainly thrown out of the game, as he went to the fallen Bison blueliner and offered his condolences. Duracell Man was convinced that it was a stick to the face, but the officials thought otherwise, as Spearing received no penalty. As for Reynolds, he was patched up and continued in the game wearing scratched Carl “Scooter” Grahams’s helmet in substitution of his own. (NB Scooter was scratched not the helmet). Before play had restarted, Cuddly Joe Greener received a 10 unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, possibly for confronting Spearing, but I have to confess I did not see the incident. As for Spearing, he continued in the game, somewhat fortuitously many believed, but minutes later he might have wished he had not been on the ice as he muffed a 2 on 1 breakaway opportunity. He chose to shoot himself (not with a gun of course) rather than pass to his wide open team-mate at the back door. Skinns had the post covered and the puck sailed past the post and hit the side netting. “What a bad shot,” opinionated the Bespectacled Youth. And it was. It was a textbook example of how to waste a 2 on 1 opportunity, from which you should always score.  

Kurt “The Knife” was then called for slashing. Defending a 5 on 4, the last thing you need to do is commit another offence. That would be as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A coming home and finding that his eccentric butler has borrowed one of his Savile Row suits to use as an oily rag to clean the engine of  his Harley Davidson. However, that’s exactly what happened. Referee Cloutman saw Nicky Chinn clout a man (Pavel Stycek to be precise) and he slapped a 2 roughing + 10 misconduct on the angry Bison skipper. Bison now had 1:18 to defend a 5 on 3. This they did as effectively as the Bees had defended their 3 on 5 earlier in the game and the visitors were left regretting their failure to capitalise on a golden opportunity to get back on level terms. 

The clock was ticking down and with a minute left Alex Mettam was pulled from the net to allow a 6^th Bee to bumble around on the ice. All to no avail. Suddenly singing could be heard. Was it the Everly Brothers with a rendition of “Bye-bye, Love”? Or maybe the Bay City Rollers with “Bye-bye, Baby”. Thankfully not the latter. No it was the fat lady warblng “Bye-bye” to the visitors. The Bracknell Bees had tried to trace a precarious path to a venerable victory over the Basingstoke Bison, but their footsteps had faltered and now only a beating beckoned. The final buzzer sounded as Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov fired a speculative empty net chance high and wide and the points were in the bag for Bison. Rob Lamey for the Bees and Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds for Bison were adjudged top bananas. Often overlooked for the MoM award and maybe taken for granted, it was good to see Kurt bag the beers for yet another superb blueline performance from arguably the best British D-man in the EPL.

Swindon Santas Surrender

Swindon Wildcats 3 Bison 4

14/12/13

Anyone heard of the great 1940s swing jazz, jump bluesman Louis Jordan? If not Youtube him – he’s fun. Back in ’43 he recorded a song entitled “5 guys names Moe”. Apparently they were the greatest band around and the talk of Rhythm. Well Bison don’t have 5 guys named Moe but they do have 4 guys named Joe and last night it was they who were the talk of, not Rhythm Town, but the Link Centre. Uncle Joe Miller grabbed a hat-trick, Lumberjack Joe Rand and Cuddly Joe Miller weighed in with 3 assists between them and Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, returning to his old stamping ground for the first time, had another solid game on the blueline.

It was a pretty even first period with Bison outshooting the Cats, clad in appropriately festive Santa outfits (yes really), by 17-12. The visitors thought they had taken the lead in the 3^rd minute when Stonewall Stevie Lyle saved but couldn’t cover and the puck was popped in after a scramble. The whistle sounded a fraction of a second before the decisive moment. The referee might as well have been Mr. Magoo because Lyle’s prostrate body was in the way and, from the other side, he couldn’t see that the puck was still live. No goal. The Bespectacled Youth, a close observer from the 2^nd row, became very animated and indeed agitated. “That was so loose”, he repeated several times at high volume, but to no avail. The referee could not change his mind, even if he had wanted to, as he had already blown up (I don’t mean in an explosive way of course). Bison’s bad fortune turned to good fortune 3 minutes later when Jonas Hőőg hammered the puck against the post, the familiar clunking sound bringing “oohs” and “ahs” from the home fans and gasps of relief from the visiting ones.

On 8 minutes the Cats’ Coach Aldridge had his collar felt for a hook. Doubtless, he was contemplating how to pass the next 2 minutes banged up in solitary, but he needn’t have worried because he was only incarcerated for 13 seconds as Bison took advantage of the power play and bagged a goal. Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba fired in a slap shot from the blue line. Lyle saved but couldn’t hold. A scramble in front of the net ended when Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov poked in from Cuddly Joe Greener. It was 1-0 Bison. Bliss! The Basingstoke backers in the Bison block bubbled over boisterously.

The Cats levelled it with a power play goal of their own on 13 minutes. Bison’s convict was Michael “Muzzy” Wales, who is English, unlike Tottenham footballer of yesteryear, Mike England, who is Welsh. Confused? Muzzy went down the steps for a holding offence. Aku Pekkarinen, who is not Welsh, set up Adam Harding, who is. In came the slap shot. Bison netman, Dean Skinns, had a perfect view of it and yet it sailed in top shelf catcher side. Deano snapped his head backwards and clearly thought he should have done better. It wasn’t so much a Dexy’s Midnight Runners “Wo-oh-oh Geno”, but more a “Woe-oh-oh Deano.” However, he may have been being a bit hard on himself. He certainly pulled off another great performance on the night and stopped many efforts which lesser goaltenders would have let in. Deano is not the biggest by any stretch of the imagination, certainly bigger than Warwick Davies, but definitely smaller than Giant Haystacks. However, he is the living proof that, as they say, size doesn’t matter. What he lacks in stature and bulk he makes up for in agility and quick thinking.

We had to wait until the mid point of the 2^nd for another goal, scored again on the power play. Ryan Watt hooked and was sent down for 2 minutes of penal servitude, thankfully for Watty without hard labour. Bison skipper, Nicky Chinn, set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba for a slap shot. The shot was waywardly high. The covering Cats D-man tried to catch it but it bounced off his glove straight to the point and into the path of Uncle Joe Miller, who hammered a first time slap shot across Stevie Lyle and in at the far post. The goal caused the spirits of the Cats faithful to plummet as quickly as a parachutist who had forgotten to put on his parachute before exiting the plane. (OK strictly speaking he can’t be accurately described as a “parachutist” if he has no parachute). It was 2-1 Bison.

2 minutes later the Cats levelled it with the first even handed goal of the game. A slapshot came in and was deflected high into the air by Skinns. While the Bison backers were still shouting “Great save!” and “By Jove!” and similar exclamations, the puck fell to a marauding Cats forward who hammered it in for 2-2. I was convinced it was Jan Kostal who scored, but the goal was given to Hőőg with assists to Kostal and Aldridge. You might just as well have Mr. Magoo telling you about the game really.

2-2 at the buzzer and all to play for in the 3^rd. The period was to be dominated by Bison, firing in 16 on target shots against 8, as the short benched Cats began to tire. They snatched the lead for the 3^rd time in the game on 52 minutes. The move had the artistic qualities of a Marcel Marceau mime, but thankfully the Bison players didn’t have flowers sticking out of the tops of their helmets. It was a tic-tac-toe goal for the connoisseurs to savour – “a pretty goal” said the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, sitting in Block E. Lumberjack Joe Rand fired a cross ice pass from the boards to the back door where Cuddly Joe Greener fired a one timer back across the goal and into the path of Uncle Joe Miller. Joe’s snap shot found the gap between Lyle and goal frame and it was 3-2 Bison and 20 goals for the season for Joe. 

On 55 minutes Bison scored again. The architect of the goal was the Twinkle Toes Tomas Karpov, once described by Nicky Chinn as “a quick little bugger”. The skating and stick handling skills of the Czech “Grandmaster” are frequently breath-taking. 1930s bluesman Robert Johnson reputedly sold his soul to the Devil in return for insane guitar playing skills. Observing the way Karpov plays makes me wonder whether he had done the same in return for insane skating and stick handling skills. Let’s hope not. On this occasion, fed by Aaron “Billy” Connolly, he wriggled and jiggled, fiddled and juggled, struggled and smuggled his way through the D with sleight of hand and fleet of foot, but was forced behind the goal. He powered on, swung out the other side and then fired a slide rule pass to an incoming Uncle Joe Miller. The one timer finish was not only on the button, but also on the money and on the nose. It was 4-2 Bison and a hat-trick for Uncle Joe. (By the way anyone who says that Joe Miller would be giving less than his all since his January move to Telford was finalised obviously hasn’t been to the games. There is no lack of effort from Joe – he is as committed as he ever was and his well deserved hat-trick to add to his impressive season’s goal haul illustrated the point. By my calculations Joe needs only one more goal to reach the landmark of 80 for Bison in only 2½ seasons - a phenomenal scoring record by any standards. I am sure he will leave at the end of the month with the good wishes of all at Planet Ice for what he has done for the team, the goals he has scored and the games he has won).

A bizarre incident then occurred. A Cats player got his stick stuck in one of the rink doors. He had to let go as he skated by or the stick would have broken. The stick remained upright and waggled back and forth. The game continued with the stranded stick sticking out from the rink wall and looking forlorn. At the next break the referee took possession. He then appeared to have an attack of schizophrenia, in that he thought he was someone else. First of all he thought he was a player because he held the stick in such a way that it looked as if he was going to join the play. Then he thought he was Fatima Whitbread as he hurled the stick like a javelin onto the bench endangering the safety of the Cats’ back up goalie, Michael Crisp. Perhaps he should have called himself for “spearing” and sent himself to the box where he could have thought he was now Reggie Kray.

To the pessimists amongst the Cats faithful it looked all over at 2-4 to the bad. Time to get out their “The End is Nigh” sandwich boards. The optimists, on the other hand, were confident that their team could come back to win the game. In the end it was the sandwich board brigade who were vindicated. The “End” had indeed been “Nigh” as predicted. However, it was far from done and dusted, as only a minute later the Cats bagged another to make it a one goal game again. The goal scored by Jan Kostal with assists from Pekkarainen, who, as I mentioned before, is not Welsh, and Symonds, who is, was cloaked in controversy. The shot from a tight angle hit a part of the goal frame and flew away. Was it the bar? Was it the back stanchion? After consulting the goal judge and his linesmen, as well as hearing conflicting representations from a gaggle of players, the referee decided it was a good goal and the scoreboard clicked on to 3-4. 

Could the Cats snatch a 4^th and take the game into overtime or even a 4^th and a 5^th to win the game in regulation? It was a tense final 4 minutes. The clock ticked agonisingly down. With less than a minute to go the signal was given for Stonewall Stevie to leave his net to allow a 6^th skater to come on. However, just as he was on his way, Bison retook possession and he had to go back and make a save. With 6 seconds remaining Rand was called for a hook and it became a 6 on 4, but to no avail. Had Huddie Ledbetter (Google him) been standing by he would have burst into a rendition of “Goodnight Irene” at this stage. Alas he died in 1949 and couldn’t be present, so the fat lady had to sing it instead. It had been a close encounter peppered with exciting moments, but, unfortunately for the Swindon Santas, lacking in Christmas cheer.

Telford Enriched by Humbling Experience

Bison 5 Telford Tigers 1

7/12/13

The Telford Tigers, weighed down with their newly found bags of money, but unfortunately not scattering £50 notes before them, came to play their second game at Planet Ice on the back of 3 straight defeats against the Basingstoke icemen this season. They returned to Telford, richer for the experience of a comprehensive defeat with the strains of  “Money, money, money”, “Pricetag” and other related songs ringing in their ears. The music which blared from the Planet Ice speakers, was typically appropriate for the occasion. That man Bavvy is a naughty fellow. 

Bison opened the scoring in the 5^th minute. Danny “Iceberg” Ingoldsby (more about that nickname later) delivered a cross ice pass to Cuddly Joe Greener at the back door. Joe’s shot was saved by Sam Gospell, but the rebound straight to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in front of the net. There was no need for Karpov to play an 8 mover like the Blackburne shilling gambit (the what? OK I admit I’m reaching new heights of obscurity with this one. You’d better Google it). It was a one move checkmate - a snap shot to make it 1-0 Bison. The goal signalled the traditional teddy bear toss. Stuffed animals in plastic bags were hurled onto the ice, but not in the same quantity as at the recent Calgary Hitmen v Medicine Hat Tigers game where 26,000 were chucked. To better this the spectators at Planet Ice would have had to have thrown 30 each, which clearly wasn’t going to happen.

In the 8^th minute Miika Kiviranta found himself in trouble for hooking. The referee said, “You’re banged to rights. Go to the slammer for two minutes” or words to that effect and the Finnish fellow thought  his game had finished for 2 minutes. However, he was back out of the box only 13 seconds later as Bison took full advantage and romped into a 2-0 lead with a power play goal. Set up on the point by Aaron “Billie” Connolly, Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, fired the puck goalwards through traffic. In the traffic was Coach Sheppard who deflected the puck past the hapless netman and in. A burst of enthusiasm burst enthusiastically from the Bison backer. Amongst them was the mysterious  Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C. He wanted to transmit the score update back to his headquarters, but he had forgotten to bring his enigma machine to the game and couldn’t risk sending an unencrypted message.

Less than a minute later Mical Pavlu had his collar felt for interference. Could Bison bag another power play goal? Yes they could. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba lobbed in a shot, Gospell raised his catcher, but not high enough and the puck looped over his glove and in. The net bulged and so did Vantroba’s eyes. As he celebrated the look on his face was one of pure astonishment. Had the young Tigers goaltender lost sight of the puck? It looked like a horrendous error. Lumberjack Joe Rand was credited with the goal, but he later confirmed to me (cutting edge reporting here) that he had not touched the puck and had merely screened the goaltender and got out the way at the last second. Never mind it was 3-0 Bison. Greener and Karpov were awarded assists. Had the council been laying on a German week in Basingstoke the goal would have been greeted by the striking up of an oom-pah band flown in from Euskirchen and lederhosen clad men slapping their thighs, or possibly even each other’s (let’s not go there), and downing shots of schnapps. Thankfully they weren’t and at Planet Ice not only is there is no band of any description (an out of time occasional drummer doesn’t count) but also it’s far too cold to contemplate wearing leather shorts. The only slapping which went on involved the visiting fans, all 15 of them, slapping their own faces to make sure they were awake. It was 3-0 with barely 10 minutes gone. Such was their team’s poor defending it must have seemed like a bad dream.

Into the 2^nd we went and on 25 minutes The Tigers scored a power play goal of their own to reduce the arrears. Nathan Salem, set up by McKenzie and Bowley, got the puck over the line, some said off his shoulder, others said he batted it in out of the air, one (well the Howling Man actually) declared “he hand passed it in”. However it went in, the referee declared it a good goal and the Tigers were on the scoreboard. At only 2 goals to the bad they must have thought they were in with a chance of a come from behind win. Would they bring on their secret weapon Owen “The Terrier” Bennett (more about him later) to snatch a hat-trick and victory? To those who are familiar with Mr. Bennett’s style of play that seemed as likely as Her Majesty the Queen being spotted taking part in an axe throwing contest at a Hell’s Angels convention (Windsor Chapter of course).

Hopes of a comeback were set back in the 33^rd minute with the unfortunate Tigers netminder, Sam Gospel, suffering a further embarrassment. Soon to be a Tiger (alas) Uncle Joe Miller emphasised that he is not a Tiger yet, notwithstanding that he is actually up on the Tigers’ web site roster, albeit somewhat prematurely, with his 18^th goal of the season. From behind the goal line he set up Cuddly Joe Greener slightly wide/in front of the net. The latter Joe fluffed his shot, which went past the post and off the netting straight back to the former Joe. How could he score from behind the line? My attempts to clarify exactly what happened failed when I asked Bison TV’s own Alfred Hitchcock in the interval. He listened intently to my perceived version of events and then declared “No idea”. However, Duracell Man and Cake Lady, close observers of the action, provided the confirmation I required. Uncle Joe’s attempt to return the puck to Cuddly Joe for another shot hit the back of the goaltender and went in. Had an assist been awarded to Gospel it would have added further to the young netman’s anguish, but it was not.

Bison effectively wrapped up the game in the final minute of the period with a textbook example of how to take advantage of a 2 on 1 breakaway. With Nicky Chinn already in solitary for slashing the Tigers surrendered their man advantage when James Pease was called for tripping. Into the cells went Mr. Pease, a player of, shall we say, ample proportions who looks as if he has eaten all the peas as well as the pies. In the ensuing 4 on 4 the out-fought and out-thought Tigers D were suddenly caught out, not only out of position, but also out to lunch, out on a limb, out on their feet and out of control. It was outrageous. There seemed to be more holes in the D than in a colander, a Swiss cheese, Ena Sharples’s hair net and the brain of an ASBO toting chav put together. Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds, who had yet another superb game, broke forward in a 2 on 1 with Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino hammering forward in support, his long locks flowing from the back of his helmet. Kurt drew the goaltender and covering solitary D-man and then rifled a pass to Andy Melons, the only Bison man with 2 nicknames. The finish was superb – top shelf wrist shot which flew past Gospel blocker side. 5-1 Bison.

The Tigers’ chances of winning the game from this now seemingly hopeless position could not be accurately described as “here today, gone tomorrow”, like an X-factor one hit wonder or a politician, but rather “here today, gone today” or, as I write this report today, which yesterday would have been tomorrow and tomorrow yesterday, “there yesterday, gone yesterday.” Confused? I am.

There was no further scoring in the 3^rd, but the period, which started with Gospel being replaced by Declan Ryan in the Tigers’ net, was full of incident. At the halfway point James Smith decided to deliver a mid ice hit on Danny Ingoldsby. He was brought to a shuddering halt by the immovable Ingoldsby and suffered the further ignominy of bouncing off him and slumping to the ice like a sack of potatoes. You could say that Smith’s Titanic was to Ingoldsby’s iceberg.

A solitary voice was raised in Block C. “Bring on Bennett, bring on Bennett” implored the Man in The Charlestown Chiefs shirt. He was joined in the chant by the Man with 3 Ear-rings. Coach Watkins must have got the message because Owen the Terrier, aka Thugnificent, the enthusiastic but incompetent Tigers enforcer who seems to enjoy being beaten to a pulp by opposing enforcers including dirty dog André Payette, finally took to the ice with 3 minutes left for his first shift of the game to be greeted by a massive ovation from the Bison backers. We were all amazed to see he could actually skate and pass the puck. Highlight of his shift was a hit from Danny “The Iceberg” Ingoldsby, which sent the Terrier crashing to the ice. Thugnificent exited the ice after a minute with huge grin on his face. He was loving it. With 45 seconds remaining he was back on and actually drew a penalty when hit by Andy Melons and sent, as before, crashing to the ice. Melons was adjudged to have “interfered” with Owen the Terrier. It was a very worthwhile penalty. 18 seconds later the final buzzer sounded and away went the Tigers to count their money, but not their points.