Miller Shoots Downs the Dogs

Bison 5 Sheffield Steeldogs 4 (shoot out)

29/12/13

It was ordained. In the stars. Bound to happen. Uncle Joe Miller rifled home a shoot out winner for Bison in his last game for the Basingstoke icemen. What a fitting way to end this lethal goalscorer and ever popular player’s 2½ season spell, which has yielded over 80 goals. 

Following on from their uncharacteristic blueline horror show at Swindon the previous evening when the Bison pipes were penetrated no fewer than 7 times, it looked as if they were going to continue where they had left off, as it took only a minute for the Steeldogs to snatch the lead. André Payette ground out the puck from the boards and passed inside to Lubomir Kohron, who fired in across Dean Skinns. 1-0 Steeldogs.

The lead was doubled on 8 minutes. An all Canadian battle for the puck on the boards between Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard and Greg “Chubbs” Chambers resulted in the latter taking possession of the puck and firing it to the top of the crease where Andrew Hirst lurked suspiciously. A clever deke and then shot straight through Deano’s 5-hole saw the puck cross the line. It was 2-0 Dogs and melancholic, but thankfully not alcoholic, despondency bordering on funereal perturbation flowed through the Bison blocks. Things were looking grim.

What could have been a final nail in the Bison coffin then occurred. With the unsavoury Craig Elliott serving time for high sticks, Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba shaped to take a slap shot from the blue line. As his stick hit the ice it broke in half and the puck squirted back to Kohron who was away. Marvellous Miroslav skated back and tried to recover. Both skaters slid to the ice. Some said it was a legal hip check, others, including the referee, said it was a trip. The call was made and Vantroba didn’t like it. He protested so strongly that he received a game penalty. The crowd didn’t like that at all. Some began to turn ugly. Others were ugly already. They howled their protest. All they needed were some pitchforks to wave to resemble a mob of angry villagers. But the decision was not going to be reversed and off went a furious Marvellous Miroslav, leaving Bison (with the injured Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds not icing) very thin on the blueline.

It could have been 0-3 moments later. The Dogs got the puck in the net, but the net had been pushed off its moorings by Aaron “Billy” Connolly and the goal was washed off. The Howling Man must have seen a Dogs’ infringement prior to the net coming off as he cranked up to full volume and let his considered opinion be known. All I caught were the words “You stupid idiot” and it must be a matter of speculation as to whom these words were addressed. Connolly served his time and then on his next shift he made the goal at the other end move (at least the net part) as he rifled in a wrist shot from the point on a delayed penalty. There was a sudden release of tension in the Bison blocks. Their reaction to the goal didn’t limply or apologetically ooze or dribble out, but very unapologetically jetted and indeed spewed forth in a projectile fashion. All appeared overjoyed. All that is apart from the Howling Man. He had begun a new rant about something the officials had missed immediately prior to the goal and continued it in the aftermath. His protest, although easily audible, was typically incomprehensible. He may have been enquiring whether or not referee Cloutman had been to Specsavers and, if so, suggesting that he return to the aforementioned emporium of optical correction for new glasses with thicker lenses. In fact, he may even have been offering to replace the lenses himself with the sawn off bottoms of Coke bottles. Never mind it was a goal and Bison were back in the game at 1-2. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov were awarded assists.

The 3^rd opened in the same way that the 1^st had i.e. with a Dogs goal. Lee Haywood fired in a wrist shot from the blue line (assisted by Duncombe and Calvert) and it was 1-3 Dogs. Things were not going well for Bison. Although not playing significantly worse than their guests, they were letting in avoidable goals and making life difficult for themselves. Could they come back? If they continued in the same vein, their task would be as difficult and sitting on a cornflake without crushing it. But the Bison backers needn’t have worried because on 26 minutes the Dogs were undone by a cat – Stuart “The Cat” Mogg to be precise. Jake Thackray once sang a song entitled “The Hole” (Youtube it – it’s a piece of musical comedy genius). When writing it he must have been inspired by the Dogs’ D because there was a bloody great hole in that, as Cuddly Joe Greener rifled a through pass to “The Cat”, who hammered forward, catching the Dogs in a 2 on 1 situation. As he raced towards goal with Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino in support, only a blackguard, cad or scoundrel of the most opprobrious kind would have accused the solitary D-man’s team mates of not trying their damndest to get back to snuff out Bison’s advantage. However, they just couldn’t. Mogg drew the D-man and then rifled an across the crease pass to Andy Melons who hammered in the puck with the accuracy of a bolt fired from the crossbow of William Tell. At 2-3 they were well and truly back in the game.

Bison pressed hard to level things up, but, as the period progressed, they seemed to run out of ideas with much dumping of the puck into the corners and endless grinding with no end product.

The 2^nd interval found the Bison backers in pensive mood. The Bespecatcled Youth and the Potty Man adjusted their specs. The Man from MI5 fiddled with the camera concealed in his bowtie. Oxobloke poured himself another cup of gravy from his Thermos flask (yes he really does drink gravy) and the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A furtively rubbed hair restorer into his polished pate. What were they all thinking? I have no idea.  

Bison had to step up their game, increase the pressure, turn the screw, force the Dogs back. This they did and it took only 3 minutes for them to level it and with the fastest power play goal seen at Planet Ice for many a year – only 4 seconds. André Payette, the Dogs’ player coach (agent provocateur, donkey, pie-face, pantomime villain, human wrecking ball, mean bastard - call him what you like he won’t care), fell foul of the law and was called for slashing and took a seat in the can. He must have been fuming as his penalty kill unit didn’t live up to its title. Goaltender Dalibor Sedlar must have been disappointed as Cuddly Joe Greener’s speculative wrist shot from the blueline went straight through him. Long Ciaron Long and Zach “Sully” Sullivan assisted. It was level at 3-3 and all to play for.

Alas for Bison the Dogs retook the lead 2 minutes later with an avoidable goal of their own. Ben Morgan’s blueline shot sqeezing in under Dean Skinn’s arm. The unsavoury Craig Elliot and Andrew Hirst picked up the assists.

Bison continued to press and levelled it up once more in the 52^nd minute with another powerplay goal. The eagle eyed Mr. Cloutman spotted the Dogs changing on an icing. Perhaps he had been to Specsavers in the interval, as the Howling Man had advised. Once again the Dogs’ penalty kill unit didn’t. Karpov set up Greener, whose shot was wickedly and cleverly deflected high and in by Long Ciaron Long for his 5^th goal in 4 games since rejoining Bison. Had any of the Bison backers been dressed as Victorian ladies, they would have burst their corsets in celebration I am sure. However, I saw no-one so attired. It was 4-4.

Bison threw the kitchen sink at the hapless Dogs, who were now hanging on for grim death. Things couldn’t have been hotter for the goaltender than if he had been languishing in a bath of Ring of Fire Red Pepper and Roasted Garlic Hot Sauce whilst sucking through a straw a cocktail of  Dinosaur Wango Tango Habanero Hot BBQ Sauce and Bee Sting Mango Passion Pepper Sauce (they all really exist you know). Could they hold on for the point and a chance of an overtime or shoot out win? Yes they could. The buzzer sounded with the Dogs thankful to have survived several blue paint scrambles and a period utterly dominated by Bison with a shot count of 15-3. 

There was no overtime decider and so into a penalty shoot out we went. The goaltenders comfortably saved from the first 5 shooters, so it was up to Uncle Joe Miller with the final shot. As he skated forward with intent and determination, the Bison crowd jumped to their feet and threatened to bring down the roof of Planet Ice like the ceiling in the Apollo theatre with the loudest noise heard since the eruption on Krakatoa in 1883. Joe didn’t pussyfoot around. From the goaltender’s right he rifled in a top shelfer to win the game. What a way to end his final game as a Bison player. It was a parting gift to a Bison crowd, for whom he had already done so much in his 2½ seasons. As for the Dogs, they also departed, back to their kennel with tails between their legs, but nevertheless with a point in the bag.