Telford Enriched by Humbling Experience

Bison 5 Telford Tigers 1

7/12/13

The Telford Tigers, weighed down with their newly found bags of money, but unfortunately not scattering £50 notes before them, came to play their second game at Planet Ice on the back of 3 straight defeats against the Basingstoke icemen this season. They returned to Telford, richer for the experience of a comprehensive defeat with the strains of  “Money, money, money”, “Pricetag” and other related songs ringing in their ears. The music which blared from the Planet Ice speakers, was typically appropriate for the occasion. That man Bavvy is a naughty fellow. 

Bison opened the scoring in the 5^th minute. Danny “Iceberg” Ingoldsby (more about that nickname later) delivered a cross ice pass to Cuddly Joe Greener at the back door. Joe’s shot was saved by Sam Gospell, but the rebound straight to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in front of the net. There was no need for Karpov to play an 8 mover like the Blackburne shilling gambit (the what? OK I admit I’m reaching new heights of obscurity with this one. You’d better Google it). It was a one move checkmate - a snap shot to make it 1-0 Bison. The goal signalled the traditional teddy bear toss. Stuffed animals in plastic bags were hurled onto the ice, but not in the same quantity as at the recent Calgary Hitmen v Medicine Hat Tigers game where 26,000 were chucked. To better this the spectators at Planet Ice would have had to have thrown 30 each, which clearly wasn’t going to happen.

In the 8^th minute Miika Kiviranta found himself in trouble for hooking. The referee said, “You’re banged to rights. Go to the slammer for two minutes” or words to that effect and the Finnish fellow thought  his game had finished for 2 minutes. However, he was back out of the box only 13 seconds later as Bison took full advantage and romped into a 2-0 lead with a power play goal. Set up on the point by Aaron “Billie” Connolly, Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, fired the puck goalwards through traffic. In the traffic was Coach Sheppard who deflected the puck past the hapless netman and in. A burst of enthusiasm burst enthusiastically from the Bison backer. Amongst them was the mysterious  Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C. He wanted to transmit the score update back to his headquarters, but he had forgotten to bring his enigma machine to the game and couldn’t risk sending an unencrypted message.

Less than a minute later Mical Pavlu had his collar felt for interference. Could Bison bag another power play goal? Yes they could. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba lobbed in a shot, Gospell raised his catcher, but not high enough and the puck looped over his glove and in. The net bulged and so did Vantroba’s eyes. As he celebrated the look on his face was one of pure astonishment. Had the young Tigers goaltender lost sight of the puck? It looked like a horrendous error. Lumberjack Joe Rand was credited with the goal, but he later confirmed to me (cutting edge reporting here) that he had not touched the puck and had merely screened the goaltender and got out the way at the last second. Never mind it was 3-0 Bison. Greener and Karpov were awarded assists. Had the council been laying on a German week in Basingstoke the goal would have been greeted by the striking up of an oom-pah band flown in from Euskirchen and lederhosen clad men slapping their thighs, or possibly even each other’s (let’s not go there), and downing shots of schnapps. Thankfully they weren’t and at Planet Ice not only is there is no band of any description (an out of time occasional drummer doesn’t count) but also it’s far too cold to contemplate wearing leather shorts. The only slapping which went on involved the visiting fans, all 15 of them, slapping their own faces to make sure they were awake. It was 3-0 with barely 10 minutes gone. Such was their team’s poor defending it must have seemed like a bad dream.

Into the 2^nd we went and on 25 minutes The Tigers scored a power play goal of their own to reduce the arrears. Nathan Salem, set up by McKenzie and Bowley, got the puck over the line, some said off his shoulder, others said he batted it in out of the air, one (well the Howling Man actually) declared “he hand passed it in”. However it went in, the referee declared it a good goal and the Tigers were on the scoreboard. At only 2 goals to the bad they must have thought they were in with a chance of a come from behind win. Would they bring on their secret weapon Owen “The Terrier” Bennett (more about him later) to snatch a hat-trick and victory? To those who are familiar with Mr. Bennett’s style of play that seemed as likely as Her Majesty the Queen being spotted taking part in an axe throwing contest at a Hell’s Angels convention (Windsor Chapter of course).

Hopes of a comeback were set back in the 33^rd minute with the unfortunate Tigers netminder, Sam Gospel, suffering a further embarrassment. Soon to be a Tiger (alas) Uncle Joe Miller emphasised that he is not a Tiger yet, notwithstanding that he is actually up on the Tigers’ web site roster, albeit somewhat prematurely, with his 18^th goal of the season. From behind the goal line he set up Cuddly Joe Greener slightly wide/in front of the net. The latter Joe fluffed his shot, which went past the post and off the netting straight back to the former Joe. How could he score from behind the line? My attempts to clarify exactly what happened failed when I asked Bison TV’s own Alfred Hitchcock in the interval. He listened intently to my perceived version of events and then declared “No idea”. However, Duracell Man and Cake Lady, close observers of the action, provided the confirmation I required. Uncle Joe’s attempt to return the puck to Cuddly Joe for another shot hit the back of the goaltender and went in. Had an assist been awarded to Gospel it would have added further to the young netman’s anguish, but it was not.

Bison effectively wrapped up the game in the final minute of the period with a textbook example of how to take advantage of a 2 on 1 breakaway. With Nicky Chinn already in solitary for slashing the Tigers surrendered their man advantage when James Pease was called for tripping. Into the cells went Mr. Pease, a player of, shall we say, ample proportions who looks as if he has eaten all the peas as well as the pies. In the ensuing 4 on 4 the out-fought and out-thought Tigers D were suddenly caught out, not only out of position, but also out to lunch, out on a limb, out on their feet and out of control. It was outrageous. There seemed to be more holes in the D than in a colander, a Swiss cheese, Ena Sharples’s hair net and the brain of an ASBO toting chav put together. Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds, who had yet another superb game, broke forward in a 2 on 1 with Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino hammering forward in support, his long locks flowing from the back of his helmet. Kurt drew the goaltender and covering solitary D-man and then rifled a pass to Andy Melons, the only Bison man with 2 nicknames. The finish was superb – top shelf wrist shot which flew past Gospel blocker side. 5-1 Bison.

The Tigers’ chances of winning the game from this now seemingly hopeless position could not be accurately described as “here today, gone tomorrow”, like an X-factor one hit wonder or a politician, but rather “here today, gone today” or, as I write this report today, which yesterday would have been tomorrow and tomorrow yesterday, “there yesterday, gone yesterday.” Confused? I am.

There was no further scoring in the 3^rd, but the period, which started with Gospel being replaced by Declan Ryan in the Tigers’ net, was full of incident. At the halfway point James Smith decided to deliver a mid ice hit on Danny Ingoldsby. He was brought to a shuddering halt by the immovable Ingoldsby and suffered the further ignominy of bouncing off him and slumping to the ice like a sack of potatoes. You could say that Smith’s Titanic was to Ingoldsby’s iceberg.

A solitary voice was raised in Block C. “Bring on Bennett, bring on Bennett” implored the Man in The Charlestown Chiefs shirt. He was joined in the chant by the Man with 3 Ear-rings. Coach Watkins must have got the message because Owen the Terrier, aka Thugnificent, the enthusiastic but incompetent Tigers enforcer who seems to enjoy being beaten to a pulp by opposing enforcers including dirty dog André Payette, finally took to the ice with 3 minutes left for his first shift of the game to be greeted by a massive ovation from the Bison backers. We were all amazed to see he could actually skate and pass the puck. Highlight of his shift was a hit from Danny “The Iceberg” Ingoldsby, which sent the Terrier crashing to the ice. Thugnificent exited the ice after a minute with huge grin on his face. He was loving it. With 45 seconds remaining he was back on and actually drew a penalty when hit by Andy Melons and sent, as before, crashing to the ice. Melons was adjudged to have “interfered” with Owen the Terrier. It was a very worthwhile penalty. 18 seconds later the final buzzer sounded and away went the Tigers to count their money, but not their points.