Connolly Kills Off Flames Revival

Bison 6 Guildford Flames 4

30/11/13

Bison recorded their 3^rd straight victory against the table topping Guildford Flames last night, but it was a nervy game, which saw the home team nearly squander a 4-0 advantage. At only 4-5 in arrears and with just under 2 minutes remaining, the Flames looked quite capable of completing an unlikely revival. However, Aaron “Billy” Connolly had other ideas, as we shall see.

Bison thought they had taken the lead in the 9^th minute. Guildford goaltender James Hadfield came out to poke check a dangerous pass down the slot, but, much to his horror, the puck hit Uncle Joe Miller’s skate and went in. On went the goal light, up went the Bison players’ arms in celebration. The Bison faithful thought it was a good goal, but the draconian referee said Joe had kicked it in and immediately declared it an illegitimate effort. Without further ado, ceremony or discussion, he caused it to be mercilessly obliterated from the records as if it had never happened. The cup had been snatched from Bison lips. Oh Tantalus!

Not to worry because on 16 minutes the aforementioned Uncle Joe Miller did legitimately make it 1-0 Bison. Coach Sheppard supplied the puck to Cuddly Joe Greener, whose behind the goal line pass into the area in front of the crease found Uncle Joe on his own. He made no mistake as he smacked the puck into the net. No-one shouted “Murder most foul”, but it certainly had been defending most foul as Joe had no-one within a country mile of him to make a challenge.

Just over a minute later it got even better for the Bison backers. A massive Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba slap shot missile from the blueline arrowed into the net over the goaltender’s shoulder for 2-0 Bison. Initially the goal scorer was announced as Rand from Chinn. I began to wonder if my eyesight was worse than I thought and was contemplating snatching the specs from the face of the Bespectacled Youth. However, the record was corrected to Vantroba from Chinn, which obviated the need for me to make an appointment at Specsavers.

Could it get any better for the Bison crowd? Well indeed it could and did because it took only another 22 seconds of play for their team to romp into a 3-0 lead. Cuddly Joe Greener picked up a loose puck and sent in a shot, which Hadfield could not engulf. The rebound went straight to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, who deked and slid the puck across the line past a floundering and no doubt despairing Hadfield. Scenes of self indulgent delectation erupted amongst the Bison backers. As for the visiting fans, concession of the goal must have caused their spirits to become as flat as a Pukka pie which had fallen under a steam roller.

3 goals in 94 seconds had the Flames reeling like drunken men, although I am sure no alcohol was actually involved. They had to tighten up or the game would slip irretrievably beyond their grasp. One can only imagine the interval talk which Coach Dixon must have delivered – a combination of reprimand and encouragement, lambasting and cajoling. However, his words obviously fell on deaf ears because no sooner had the 2^nd period opened when Cuddly Joe Greener made it 4-0. A shot from Zach “Sully” Sullivan was going wide of the post until Cuddly Joe managed to deflect it past the goaltender. At 4-0 Bison were beginning to smell of roses and everything was coming up roses for them. There was no need for the Bison faithful to don rose tinted specs because everything seemed a bed of roses for them, but not for the hapless Flames netman, James Hadfield, who was pulled from the net. Coach Dixon had seen enough. It was an embarrassing moment for Hadfield. Perhaps not so embarrassing that he wanted to run from the rink to live the solitary life of a hermit in the woods. Maybe the replacement goaltender, Mark Lee, wished that he would so that he could reclaim the starting netminder spot, but the fired Hadfield, shell shocked though he must have been, didn’t explode, but bit the bullet and took up his place on the bench out of the firing line.

Could the Flames come back from this seemingly hopeless position, especially against a goaltender who had completed 8 successive periods on home ice without conceding a single goal? There seemed more chance of political rehabilitation for an MP caught with his hands in the till and his trousers down, albeit not necessarily at the same time. However, as I shall relate, they very nearly did.

On 27 minutes the Flames eventually found a way past Dean Skinns. With Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, in the slammer for a slash, Paul Dixon and Rick Plant set up Tom Duggan to smack in a snap shot. The goal was the turning point that the Flames were looking for because Bison seemed to fade, perhaps with the thought at the back of their minds that a comeback from 1-4 was a possibility, particularly by a team as accomplished as the Flames. And indeed it wasn’t long before 1-4 became 2-4 with David Longstaff using his long staff to ram in a rebounded shot. Kvetan and Melicherik assisted.

Bison needed another goal to get back on track and indeed bagged one on the power play 4 minutes later. In the heat of battle behind the net Kvetan lost his helmet but continued to play before scooping up the displaced lid from the ice and reseating it on his head. Alas for the Slovak D-man an eagle eyed referee Cloutman had spotted the dislodgement and declared “illegal equipment”. (This is surely a misnomer because the helmet itself seemed to conform to all required standards - perhaps “improperly attired” might be a better description of such an offence, although that might conjure up images of cross dressing to some).

The Flames seemed have killed the penalty, but with seconds left and with Dean Skinns hammering on the ice like a demented woodpecker to warn of the expiration of the said penalty, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino aka Andy Melons (the only Bison player with 2 nicknames) produced a goal with speed and sorcery which would have impressed both Usain Bolt and Merlin. He picked up the puck on the left wing and glided forward at great pace, with momentum, in a hurry and lacking torpidity. The Flames D seemed as immobile as a herd of lethargic ruminating bovines as Andy Melons swept freely around the back of the goal, emerged wide at the back door and, swivelling round in an arc, sent a wrist shot through the narrowest of gaps between Lee and post. It was the score of the game and, with the goal light blazing like a beacon, we witnessed scenes of gladness bordering on madness amongst the Bison backers. Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds and Cam “Popeye” Wynn were adjudged to have assisted in the goal, timed at 38 minutes. It was 5-2.

Into the 3^rd we went. The Flames needed a stellar performance to have any hope of snatching anything from the game. They started on the right track with a goal on 44 minutes, Kvetan’s close range shot beating Skinns for sheer pace. Deano raised his catcher, but the puck flew past it. In hockey, as we know, 2 goals can be scored in the blink of an eye and so to concede this goal to bring the Flames back to 3-5 was as undesirable for Bison as finding a decomposing snail in your bottle of ginger beer (that really happened you know - Google the famous court case of Donoghue v Stevenson if you don’t believe me). It was a nerve jangling 3^rd period for the Bison backers, made very uncomfortable when, with just under 2 minutes left, the Flames made it a one goal game. Carl “Scooter” Graham, having lost his stick and having no option but to continue skating stickless, had his collar felt (a 2 + 10) for checking from behind as he planted himself on Plant and sent him crashing into the boards. With only 1 second of the penalty remaining, Longstaff, once again using his long staff, bagged his 2^nd of the night with Plant and Savage assisting. The goal plunged the Bison faithful into a state of mental anguish and torment of the most depressing and dismal variety. However, they needn’t have worried because with only a minute remaining and the Flames looking to pull their netman for a last hurrah, Aaron “Billy” Connolly, set up by Sheppard and Greener, fired in from close range to make it 6-4 Bison. The goal spelled death for the Flames’. Their chances of winning the game were now on a mortuary slab wearing a toe tag. Best to phone the undertaker, write the obituary, recite the eulogy and sing the dirge. As the cockneys would say, they were brown bread. They were pushing up the hockey daisies. The ghost had been well and truly given up. They had gone to meet their maker.