Watt's Shoot Out Winner Wrecks the Pirates' Quest

Bison 3 Hull Pirates 2 (shoot out)

26/9/15

Last night saw the first visit of the EPL newbies the Hull Pirates to Basingstoke. So far this season they have sailed on stormy waters with 4 straight losses, culminating in last weekend’s disaster which brought 2 heavy defeats and the shipping of 17 goals. Everyone expected a performance more Captain Pugwash than Blackbeard from the Pirates and most were predicting a flagship performance from the Bison buccaneers. But things don’t always go the way we expect and what we actually saw was the seaweed green shirted Pirates swinging onboard the good ship Planet Ice with razor sharp cutlasses clamped between their teeth and very nearly taking the ship. Their prize was a game point and it took a penalty shoot out winner from Ryan “You What?” Watt to snatch the win for Bison. 

P1 was played out goalless, but was not without incident. Bison just about edged it, outshooting their nautical opponents by 11-7, but failing to find passage past Hull goaltender, Jon Baston, who grew in stature from cabin boy to captain as the game progressed and was to finish with a save percentage of 0.94 (why is it that save “percentages” are expressed as a fraction?).

Midway through the period a scramble at the Pirates’ net gave rise to an unseemly altercation between Alan Lack and Dominic Osman, which developed into a fists flying disagreement akin to a press gang rumble in the streets of Victorian Portsmouth. When it all broke up referee Picket addressed the scrappers. “I can’t make you walk the plank for that, but I can send you to down into the brig.” And to the brig they went, Osman for a 2 minute penalty and Lack for a 2 + 2. The upshot of it was a piratical power play. The Pirates were unable to take advantage and no sooner had the penalties expired than they were called for too many shipmates on the ice. In the ensuing power play Bison also failed to hoist their goal flag up the mast and 0-0 it remained.

P1 ended and Bison had played like a load of landlubbers. They needed to come about or their quest for treasure would flounder like a bilge rat in a keg of rum. However, P2 saw much the same as P1 with the difference of a couple of goals. The first score occurred as early as 1:28 in the period. Bison D-men Stuart “The Cat” Mogg and Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba combined to set up a chance for Lumberjack Joe Rand. Vantoba’s long pass from defence sent Rand on his way clear of the Pirates’ D. In on goal, he fainted to shoot forehand to commit the goaltender, then deked and slid the puck across the line off his backhand. 1-0 Bison. The goal made the Bison backers want to splice the mainbrace, but no grog could be found.

Were the Pirates’ timbers were beginning to creak at last? The Bison backers expected their team to hammer home their advantage and sail over the horizon, but this didn’t happen. In fact, far worse, the Pirates levelled it on 31 minutes with a power play goal. Once again Alan Lack fell foul of the provost for holding an opponent’s stick. It wasn’t a spell in the crow’s nest without a rum ration for the hapless Lack, but instead a spell in the penalty box. The Pirates took advantage and a well worked goal breached the Bison defences. Mario Mjelleli (what a strange name) set up Jonathon Kirk (I wonder if he will one day be promoted to team captain), for a slap shot from the slot. As he raised his stick the parrot on his shoulder said “SHOOT!” And shoot he did. The puck whistled past Bison netman Tomas Hiadlovsky and it was 1-1. The goal was greeted by a cacophony of noise from the band of cut-throats in the away supporters’ block. What they needed was a shanty man to lead them in a rip-roaring heave away haul away shanty. Even if there had been one present he would have been drowned out by shouts of “Thar she blows”. It’s amazing how much noise 8 people can make. Goaltender Baston received the second assist for the goal. Shiver me timbers!

The equalising goal was a shot across the bows for Bison. They weren’t going to have it all their own way. Far from getting themselves into stormy waters the Pirates were holding their own. The Jolly Roger was still up the flagpole and flapping in the salty aired breeze.

The period played out with no further scoring and Bison went into below decks at the second buzzer ruing missed opportunities. They had to and did indeed step up their game in P3, but not before falling behind 2 minutes into the period. Lee Bonner broke forward and supplied a pass to the back door for Craig Thurston to fire home. Unbelievably it was 1-2 Pirates with Mjalleli receiving the second assist.

Bison’s evening was descending into Davy Jones’s locker. Their players were now looking like a load of pressed men who didn’t want to be there. For them concession of the goal was as undesirable as finding a bilge rat in your kitbag. There was no option but to go for the blunderbuss approach. As the period progressed the Pirates goal was peppered with shots (22 to be precise). There were press gang style mellées in the Hull crease and netman Baston was pulling off some astonishing saves. At the same time he was giving up a load of rebounds, but bad luck dictated that there were no Bison players on hand to sweep the rebounds home and Baston’s shipmates cleared the danger every time. For Bison the task of finding a way past him seemed more difficult than finding Captain Kidd’s lost treasure. Bison desperately needed a goal to throw their chances a lifeline. It had to be all hands on deck. This was no job for powder monkeys and cabin boys.

And soon it was land ahoy for Bison. On 51 minutes Kirk was called for delay of game. “You deserve to be keelhauled or flogged with a cat o’ nine tails for that”, said referee Pickett. (See footnote). Fortunately for Kirk it wasn’t the cat, but instead a spell in the bilges. Unfortunately for Kirk and his crew it was all square less than a minute later. Watt found Long Ciaron Long, who speared a long cross ice pass to the back door and all alone Cuddly Joe Greener squeezed in a shot from a tight angle. It had been shipwreck defending from the Pirates and they had failed to batten down the hatches. The goal made the Bison backers want to shower Cuddly Joe with pieces of eight and dance the sailor’s hornpipe but I saw no-one doing such things. 2-2.

That was the end of regulation time scoring, so into a nerve jangling period of 3 on 3 overtime we passed. Bison dominated possession, but failed to put any of their 6 on target shots into the cargo net behind Baston. And so to a penalty shoot out to decide whose colours would be hoisted up the winners’ mast. The first round of 3 each ended 2-2 with Rand and Long for Bison and Mjelleli and Thurston for the Pirates scoring. Highlight of this first round was an extraordinary save from Laine by Hiadlovski who made like a frog and seemed to save with the inside of his leg. The next 5 attempts were all saved or missed. Up stepped Ryan “You What” Watt for his attempt. If he scored it would be man overboard for the Pirates’ hopes. He swung forward in swashbuckling style and slotted home with a cheeky backhander. Blistering barnacles! Bison had hauled down the Jolly Roger and the audacious privateers from Hull had been made to sling their hammocks. They had to be content with the taking on board of a point, earned with an outstanding goaltender display and a very encouraging “avast there me hearties” performance. Baston was elected their top banana and Lack Bison’s.

Footnote : In the Victorian Navy errant sailors would be flogged with a hideous weapon of flagellation – the cat o’ nine tails. A typical cat was made up of nine knotted thongs of cotton cord, about 2 1⁄2 feet long, designed to lacerate the skin and cause intense pain. The expression “not enough room to swing a cat” refers to the cat o’ nine tales, not your moggie.

A Night of Slap Shots and Rhetorical Questions

Bison 6 Manchester Phoenix 2

19/9/15

With 2 wins out of 2 on the opening weekend of the regular season the Phoenix came from the frozen wastes of the north (or to be more precise north Wales) to Planet Ice to take on Bison. Could they continue their good early season form? Could they overcome a short bench, lacking most importantly their top import Stanislav Gron, who most recently was a point and a half a game man playing in the Italian league for Cortina (I bet he doesn’t drive one). Or would Bison bring them back down to earth?

Early exchanges favoured Bison. Could they drive home their advantage with a goal? Yes the could. In the 15^th minute Robin Kovar was adjudged to have tripped.  It was useless for Kovar to expect the sort of forgiveness which would have been forthcoming had Mother Teresa of Calcutta been officiating. No. The referee was Stephen Matthews who was more akin to Hanging Judge Jeffries than Mother Teresa and off to the box went the hapless Czech chap. Would his misdeed cost his team dear? It did. Half a minute into the penalty a cross ice pass from Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long for a slapshot. A well struck slapshot delivered at pace from within the blue line should give the goaltender no time to react. To save the shot he must make himself as large as possible. Alas artificial inflation is not a possibility, so he must rely on his positioning forward of the goal line, if safe to do so, and his stance and his solidity of physical form. In this case Steven Fone, the Phoenix netman, not only lacked positioning, but also stance and solidity. The puck flew past his head and into the net. 1-0 Bison.

Could Phoenix snatch an equaliser? Yes they could. With less than a minute remaining in P1 they levelled it. James Archer broke forward and was challenged by Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird, who lost out as he lost his footing, lost control and possibly even lost his marbles. He fell to the ice, but fortuitously between Archer and the goal. He remained prostrate providing a formidable block to a low shot. But would Archer shoot low? No he wouldn’t. He cleverly lifted the puck over his recumbent opponent and found the smallest of gaps between the post and goaltender. 1-1.

Early in the 2^nd Bison survived 54 seconds of a 5 on 3 and nearly scored a shortie in the ensuing 5 on 4 as J.J. Pitchley broke forward in a determined deed of do or die derring do and set up Lumberjack Joe Rand for a shot which Fone saved.

It wouldn’t be until the 30^th minute that we saw the scoreboard click on. A delayed penalty call on Jacob Heron came to nought. When the play went dead Referee Matthews, who enjoyed a game most enigmatic, perplexing and confusing, at least to the to the Bison backers, pointed at Heron. He may have spoken to the perpetrator of the sinful deed in a biblical fashion thus. “Thou shalt not hook. Ye must pay the wages of sin. Get thee behind me Satan. Get thee into the penalty box.” I bear testament that Jacob made the exodus from the game to suffer his fire and brimstone punishment with the patience of Job and hoping to emerge a good Samaritan having reaped what he had sown. His stay in the box lasted less than the life of Methuselah, less than 2 minutes in fact, when a slap shot from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba was deflected in by Tomas “Grandmaster”  Karpov. 2-1 Bison.   

The seconds ticked away with the Bison backers feeling satisfied that their team had snatched back a one goal advantage, this achieved without their skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly who had gone to hospital after a 1^st period clash with Mark Thomas which had seen him fall face first to the ice. 11 seconds remained. Was that going to be that for the period? No. What happened next would have taxed the combined predictive powers of Mystic Jo, Nostradamus, Paul the psychic octopus (remember him?) and Ginny the psychic penguin. Fed by Alan Lack, Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson saw off a robust challenge, kept possession of the puck, turned back and fired a cross ice pass into the path of Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer. The Bison D-man had already raised his stick before the puck arrived. He brought it down in a sweeping ark and blasted his slap shot from just inside the blue line past an astonished Fone. 3-1 Bison. The goal was timed at 39:50.

Fone was about to become even more astonished. Straight from the face off won by Long Ciaron Long the puck broke to Cuddly Joe Greener on the right wing. He skated forward and sent in a speculative lobbed shot. Fone raised his catcher, but, much to his very grave chagrin, not high enough and the puck sailed over the top and into the net for a major Oooo Betty moment for the hapless Mancunian (actually he’s from Rotherham). It mattered not a jot where the telephonically named goaltender was born it was 4-1 Bison. Never mind Victor Meldrew, it was Fone who was saying, “I don’t believe it.” The goal was timed at 39:56.

At 1-4 to the bad, short benched, without their best import forward and visibly tiring it looked like an Armageddon situation for the visitors from the frozen wastes of the north. Could they get back into the game with an early P3 goal? Yes they could. On 40:35 Michal Satek and Robin Kovar set up Mark Thomas to slap one in from the point. 4-2 Bison.

Bison’s 4^th goal blew Teaboy’s prediction of 3-2 out of the window, out of the water and out of sight. At this juncture Mystic Jo was spot on at 4-2. But were there to be more goals which would result in her prediction going to be blown skywards, blown away and blown to kingdom come? Yes there were. And guess who got it right? Was it Nostradamus? Or Paul, the psychic octopus? Or Ginny the psychic penguin? No none of these. It was the Bespectacled Youth with a pre match prophesy of 6-2. 6-2 it was to end, as I shall relate dear reader.

Having just given away the final score my next rhetorical question is irrelevant, but, as I love posing rhetorical questions (have you noticed?), I’ll pose it anyway. Could Phoenix stage a comeback? At the end of the 2^nd this seems as unlikely as seeing Her Majesty the Queen getting stuck into a plate of jellied eels down the Old Kent Road. However, the visiting icemen continued to press and a power play opportunity came their way 1 minute after their goal. The dictionary defines “boarding” variously, but including “a structure of boards, as in a fence or a floor……the act of a person who boards a ship, train or an aeroplane……the act of taking up residence in a lodging house.” What we saw was none of these, but what we did see was Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer shoving a Phoenix player headlong into the boards. “I define that as boarding,” said the referee and the Bison blueliner was invited to board in the penalty box for 2 minutes. Could  Phoenix make the 5 on 4 count? No. And in fact they nearly fell behind to a shortie, Long Ciaron Long’s centring pass bypassing Fone and hitting Cuddly Joe Greener on the skate in front of the empty net and deflecting away from the goal before he had time to react.

On 49 minutes up went Referee Mathhews’s arm. Why? It was delayed penalty call on Jacob Heron who had slashed and broken his stick in the process. He continued to skate stickless, his broken stick leaving him with a metaphorical smoking gun. He would, however, stick to his task and hoped to provide at least a stickless obstacle bigger than a stick insect to Joe Greener. But he failed to stick it to the man and Joe slewed a cross ice stick it in the net pass into the path of Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, who did indeed stick in in the net by means of an unstoppable slap shot. 5-2 Bison.

Could Phoenix rise from the flames? Or at least bag another goal to make the scoreline more respectable? Alas for their small bunch of loyal followers, they couldn’t. They nearly did in the 58^th minute when Hiadlovsky came a-wandering out of his goal to shoot the puck out from the Bison defensive zone. The puck was shot straight back into his empty net, but the “goal” was expunged from the records (or at least it would have been had it been recorded in the first place) for offside, there being a Phoenix presence the wrong side of the blue line.

Could Bison add insult to injury and go further ahead? They could. In the final minute Karpov set up Alan Lack, who was to be anointed Bison’s top banana, for a tap in in front of goal. 6-2 Bison. Who was man of the match for Phoenix? James Archer. And who is the master of the rhetorical question? Shall I tell you? Or shall I leave you to decide that one?

Reynolds Bags an Overtime Winner to Snatch the Points for Bison

Bison 3 Guildford Flames 2 (OT)

12/9/15

On Friday Ryan “You What” Watt underwent an amazing metamorphosis. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds cut off his long locks of 2 years’ growth for donation to the Little Princess Trust (their main aim is to provide real-hair wigs for children who have suffered hair loss through poor health), and raised a lot of money in the process. A fantastic gesture from the man who no longer resembles the Wild Man of Borneo. But were we going to see the Sampson effect on Watty? Not on you nellie. He produced a typical gritty, determined battling performance, not to mention a goal and an assist and it was fitting that these two players combined to bag the winning overtime goal.

The 1^st period started well for the hosts and they snatched the lead on 10 minutes. Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly combined with Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov on the left wing centre ice. Suddenly Kaprov speared a superb cross ice pass to the opposite wing. Before I proceed any further with a description of the goal I must ask if you believe in conspiracy theories? JFK, 911, the Moon landing and all that? Well for a conspiracy to happen there has to be secret communication between two or more people. There was clearly no conspiracy of any sort in the Flames defence, as I saw no evidence of communication, secret or otherwise, at all. The right hand didn’t seem to know what the left was doing let alone talking to it in a conspiratorial fashion. Why? Because there was no-one at all to challenge Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson as he skated in over the blue line. He lifted his stick and slapped the puck low and true through Rockman’s less than rock solid form. 1-0 Bison.

The Flames started to give as good as they got as the period wore on and levelled it on 15 minutes. A slick passing movement down the middle was finished off by Jens Eriksson, who found a gap between Hiadlovsky and the goal frame. There were no voting forms involved. It was not an election, but a dictatorial declaration by the referee that Matic Kralj and Matt Towe should be awarded assists for the goal. 1-1.

With 1:04 of the period remaining Bison were handed a power play opportunity as Jez Lundin clattered into the back of Tomas Karpov. It was a case of one strike and you’re out for the strike down. There was no point in Lundin threatening to go on strike. He was forced to strike a path to the penalty box. Strike a light! Could Bison strike gold with the power play? Alas no and with only 10 seconds remaining they lost a man themselves, not overboard, but to the house of correction where dwelt the aforementioned miscreant Lundin. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba was adjudged guilty of roughing. “You think that was within the rules?” asked the referee. “I should flippin’ co-co.” So off to the slammer went the follically challenged blueliner to join his nefarious opponent in a spot of contrite reflection. The 4 on 4 produced no reward for either side nor did the minute of Flames power play early in the 2^nd when Lundin emerged from the box, doubtless a reformed character.

However, only a minute or so later Bison retook the lead on 22 minutes. Karpov carried the puck forward and fluffed his shot, but kept possession. He turned back and fired an inch perfect cross ice pass into the path of Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, who was steaming in over the blue line as if there was no tomorrow. Perhaps he thought there wasn’t going to be a tomorrow, but, if he did, he was mistaken, clearly so as you are reading this report today, it having been posted up tomorrow, which today of course is today, but would have been tomorrow yesterday. Confused? I am. Marvellous Miro fired in a slapshot which was going wide until Ryan “You What?” Watt diverted it towards the net. What happened next? Let’s not hold back, pull our punches, be diplomatic, hide our light behind a bushel, employ euphemisms or let him off the hook. Flames’ netman Gregg Rockman’s efforts to keep the puck out on this occasion can only be described as shocking and surely short of what was required. As confirmed to me by Laura the Explorer, a close observer of the incident, he jammed his stick down and only succeeded in sweeping the puck into the net rather than away from it. It was an Oooo Betty moment for Rocky, a goal for Watty and an assist each to Bison’s eastern Europeans. 2-1 Bison.

At the half way point in the period and indeed the game, as indeed such are coincidental, the Flames had a superb opportunity to get back on level terms. A defence splitting pass saw Eriksson in on goal. He raced over the blue line and was shaping up to shoot when goaltender Tomas Hiadlovsky produced an extraordinary diving poke check to knock the puck off his stick. Eriksson must have been as shocked as a man who had just had an iron dropped on a protruding part of his anatomy. (Big toe was what I had in mind. I am not sure what you were thinking of). The save brought gasps of admiration, appreciation, adoration and approbation from the Bison backers and groans of dismay, disenchantment, disillusion and disappointment from the Flames’ fans. 2-1 it remained and there were no more goals in the period.

Into the 3^rd we passed. The balance off play shifted towards the visitors, but they could not find a way past Hiadlovsky who continued to stop everything shot at him – we were quickly acquiring the impression that he could have stopped a bullet. He even have time to go on a few heart stopping walkabouts under pressure behind his net to confidently shoot the puck around the boards or pass it out inch perfect to a team mate. The clocked ticked down and Bison backers were wondering whether their team could hold out against a determined Flames team who were having the better of the final period. And indeed the visiting icemen got their reward with 5 minutes remaining. Successive shots from Matic Kralj and Ben Campbell were kept out by Hiadlovsky, but he could not block the third by Kevin Phillips. 2-2 and all to play for.

And so with no further scoring in regulation time we passed into a period of overtime with the new rules of 3 on 3 and only one import on the ice at any one time. Coach Sheppard decided to retain Hiadlovsky in goal and why wouldn’t he – the netman had had a superb game characterised by that spectacular diving poke check to foil Eriksson, as mentioned above. This meant that all 3 of their skaters had to be British. This should not present a problem as Bison have arguably the strongest in depth British roster contingent in the EPL.  This was the crowd’s first taste of 3 on 3 and very nerve wracking it proved to be with so much space on the ice and every opportunity to get caught with trousers down. And trousers were caught down, but, much to the delight of the Bison backers, Bison trousers remained up and it was Flames trousers which were caught down, as I shall relate, dear reader.

Bison’s third line change resulted in a 3 man line of Baird, Reynolds and Watt, which looked a trifle defensive. Not the case as it proved. Watt scrapped for the puck and gained possession in mid ice. He fired it across the ice to a marauding Reynolds, skating forward over the blue line and in on goal. Kurt “The Scissors” was so far forward some thought there was a danger of him passing out in the rarefied atmosphere of his opponents’ defensive zone, an area he frequents infrequently. However, he retained his consciousness and, as he bore down on goal, goaltender Rockman must have been seized with paroxysms of anxiety, his mind awash with unuttered rhetorical questions concerning the outcome of the encounter, the most important of which must have been "can I keep the puck out?" Alas for Rocky the answer to the question was no. Kurt “The Scissors” skated in and roofed the puck for the winning goal. The party of fishermen from Grimsby in Block F wanted to break into song to celebrate the goal, but they couldn’t make up their minds between “Swing low sweet halibut”, “Sweet sole music”, “If I had a haddock” and “Over the Rainbow Trout” so they remained silent. (Cod Almighty I’ve gone off on a red herring there). Never mind them, the Bison backers lifted the roof. The fat lady was belting it out and the points were in the bag.

And so it came to the award of the Man of the Match or rather Men of the Match beers. Ben Campbell was elected Top Banana for the Flames and for Bison. For me Tomas Hiadlovsky was the stand out performer for Bison, but it was Tomas Karpov who sniped the alcoholic beverages. There is no doubt, however, that the Slovak stonewall stopper will receive many MoM awards before the season is over.

Not a Tale of Two Cities but a Tale of Two Netties

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 2

5/9/15

This was a story of two goaltenders. Import netman Tomas Hiadlovsky enjoyed a splendid evening protecting the Bison pipes with a series of fine saves and no fewer than four poke checks to take the puck away from startled forwards, his performance also including in a save from Erik Piatak which sent the hapless Slovak forward flying through the air in a most spectacular but unfortunate and undignified manner. At the other end Gregg Rockman suffered an excruciating evening, chalking up a save percentage of only 75%, conceding 5 goals from 20 on target shots including one which was banked in off him. Had Bison managed to pepper him with shots there could have been a cricket score. This may be the key to the Flames’ season. They have made some impressive signings, but in Rockman and Wall they have 2 good but not great goaltenders. A great goaltender can win you games. Average ones do not.

But the evening was not all doom and gloom for the visitors. In fact it started brightly as they snatched the lead on 3 minutes. Matt Towe fed Kevin Phillips, who skated past the covering D-man and 5-holed the unfortunate Tomas Hiadlovsky before he could react to the shot. 1-0 Flames. That turned out to be the high water mark for the Flames and, as the game progressed, their hopes and aspirations progressively drained away as surely as water leaves the bath when you pull the plug (unless your waste pipe is blocked of course).

The lead lasted for less than 2 minutes. The Bison leveller was a joy to behold, but, alas for the Flames faithful, one which came from the pages of the book of bad defending. Imagine sipping a Martini, shaken not stirred of course, as you recline on the deck of a super yacht moored in the harbour at Monaco on a hot August afternoon. The Guildford defending could not be likened to this. No. It was more akin to guzzling a half of stout as you shelter from torrential rain in a beaten up old caravan in a Barrow-in-Furness travellers’ encampment in mid November. What happened? J.J. Pitchley forced a turnover, skated forward, slipping the opposing D-man with a toe drag, and then fired in his shot, which was saved by Gregg Rockman, but spilled into the path of a marauding Alan Lack. Lack was not lacking in his ability to find the net past a shocked Rocky 1-1. The goal caused the Bison backers to want to embark on a wild week long bacchanalia. A week long what? The dictionary defines it as a drunken feast/orgy in honour of Bacchus, the god of wine.

There were to be no more goals in the 1^st period, but no sooner had the 2^nd opened than Bison had grabbed a lead which they were never surrendered. The goal was a tragedy, not a Shakespearean tragedy or even Greek tragedy, but a goaltending tragedy. Bison skipper Aaron “Billy Connolly scrapped for the puck in the corner, won it and found Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson. Tommo was behind the goal line, but saw a gap. The netman was not tight to his post and he suffered the ignominy of having the puck banked in off him. Intentional? Only Tommo could say. It mattered not a jot. Intentional or otherwise it was a red light moment as the goal light blazed forth like a beacon on a stormy night. 2-1 Bison with the goal timed at 20:15.

Exactly 2 minutes later it was 3-1. Not content with picking up an assist for the first goal, J.J. Pitchley now scored one. A face off in the Flames’ defensive zone to Rockman’s left was won by Long Ciaron Long. The puck squirted to the bespectacled Pitchley. Well I say bespectacled, but he wasn’t wearing his glasses at this moment. He must have been sporting contact lenses or we would have had a Mister Magoo situation on our hands. J.J. moved forward and fired home with perfect vision before the Flames D-men could challenge him.

The Flames were looking rocky and needed to haul themselves back into the game or all would be lost. Within a minute and a half they did just that, but it proved to be their last hurrah as Bison banged in another couple before the period expired. Let us deal with the Flames goal first. Matic Kralj, whose previous teams include the extravagantly named Rio Grande Valley Killer Bees and the Rocky Mountain Rage, slipped the puck to Matt Towe from behind the goal line. Towe fired in and it was 3-2.

The goal gave was a ray of hope to the visitors. They needed to keep it tight, but, much to the chagrin of their fans, they played it loose and paid the price. 2 goals in 36 seconds in the 28^th/29^th minutes sealed their fate. Bison’s 4^th goal was a spectacle to behold. Lumberjack Joe Rand surged forward under a challenge which prevented him from getting off a shot. However he did manage to keep possession, shrug off the D-man get the puck back to Long Ciaron Long in front of the net. Long Ciaron raised his stick high above his shoulders and brought it down in a long sweeping arc. Alas he hit the ice too far behind the puck and his twig snapped as the puck dribbled apologetically forward. Long Ciaron skated urgently towards the bench for replacement lumber. He needn’t have expended the energy. Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly turned on the puck and slappped it past Rockman from the slot. 4-2 Bison.

Bison’s 5^th goal must have had the rocky Rocky groaning with embarrassment. Ryan “You What” Watt scrapped for the puck in the corner, won it and supplied it to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. The Czech chap took the puck around the back of the net, emerged the other side and scored from an acute angle with a shot over Rocky’s shoulder. The goal resulted in an outburst of saturnalia in the Bison blocks. An outburst of what? The word Saturnalia is derived from the festival of Saturn, celebrated in December in ancient Rome - a time of unrestrained merrymaking. Now you know. The hapless goaltender looked down with disbelief at the puck sitting over the goal line. How could Karpov have forced it in from that position? He must have been as embarrassed as a man receiving a knighthood from the Queen who later discovers that his flies are undone. Well Rocky’s flies were not undone, but he had been undone. 5-2 Bison.

P2 played out with no further goals. During the interval we mused what the “J.J.” in J.J. Pitchley could stand for. Was it Jasper Jehosephat? Or maybe Josiah Jedidiah? Or maybe even Jupiter Juniper? Well, if it is any of these, it’s little wonder than he prefers “J.J.”.

P3 got under way. Were we to see a Flames revival or were Bison to surge even further ahead. Well we saw neither, but we did see the game turn ugly in the 54^th minute. Andy McKinney in possession of the puck in mid ice and looking for a pass was suddenly hit by Long Ciaron Long coming over the wall to start a shift. McKinney was looking the other way and Long Ciaron’s hit sent one of his gloves flying off and himself to the ice. Long was grabbed by one of the Flames (I didn’t see who that was), but all hell then broke loose as Danny Meyers steamed in. He looked as angry as a man whose Pukka Pie had just been carried off by a marauding eagle on Skegness sea front. (OK I know there aren’t any eagles on Skegness sea front, there are seagulls instead, but seagulls have webbed feet not claws so couldn’t carry off a Pukka Pie – bit of artistic license there). It was a classic third man in and Meyers had to go. Match penalty to him. Meyers skated from the penalty box to the locker room waving his arms as if trying to take off. If this was his intention he failed. A match penalty also to Long Ciaron for head checking. Things were getting feisty and it all boiled over again at the end of the game 6 minutes later, as I shall relate.

The final buzzer sounded and immediately a scrum behind the Bison goal, where the action had finished, developed. The on ice conference seemed to fail to produce agreement of any sort, just as surely as Osama bin Laden and Barrack Obama would struggle to attain a state of empathy and mutual appreciation and respect. Suddenly the verbals developed into pushing and shoving between Declan Balmer and Rupert Quiney. A greater escalation then ensued and punches were thrown. The two ended up falling to the ice. When it all broke up both payers skated directly off to their respective locker rooms. Quiney appeared to be in considerable discomfort as he left the ice to the tune of “Rupert the bear” and I heard an unconfirmed rumour that he had dislocated his shoulder when crashing to the ice. Let us hope not as that could put him out for several weeks. No penalties were dished out to the two pugilists on this occasion.

Men of the match were Tom Duggan and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, his second top banana award in successive matches. Well done to both.