Not a Tale of Two Cities but a Tale of Two Netties

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 2

5/9/15

This was a story of two goaltenders. Import netman Tomas Hiadlovsky enjoyed a splendid evening protecting the Bison pipes with a series of fine saves and no fewer than four poke checks to take the puck away from startled forwards, his performance also including in a save from Erik Piatak which sent the hapless Slovak forward flying through the air in a most spectacular but unfortunate and undignified manner. At the other end Gregg Rockman suffered an excruciating evening, chalking up a save percentage of only 75%, conceding 5 goals from 20 on target shots including one which was banked in off him. Had Bison managed to pepper him with shots there could have been a cricket score. This may be the key to the Flames’ season. They have made some impressive signings, but in Rockman and Wall they have 2 good but not great goaltenders. A great goaltender can win you games. Average ones do not.

But the evening was not all doom and gloom for the visitors. In fact it started brightly as they snatched the lead on 3 minutes. Matt Towe fed Kevin Phillips, who skated past the covering D-man and 5-holed the unfortunate Tomas Hiadlovsky before he could react to the shot. 1-0 Flames. That turned out to be the high water mark for the Flames and, as the game progressed, their hopes and aspirations progressively drained away as surely as water leaves the bath when you pull the plug (unless your waste pipe is blocked of course).

The lead lasted for less than 2 minutes. The Bison leveller was a joy to behold, but, alas for the Flames faithful, one which came from the pages of the book of bad defending. Imagine sipping a Martini, shaken not stirred of course, as you recline on the deck of a super yacht moored in the harbour at Monaco on a hot August afternoon. The Guildford defending could not be likened to this. No. It was more akin to guzzling a half of stout as you shelter from torrential rain in a beaten up old caravan in a Barrow-in-Furness travellers’ encampment in mid November. What happened? J.J. Pitchley forced a turnover, skated forward, slipping the opposing D-man with a toe drag, and then fired in his shot, which was saved by Gregg Rockman, but spilled into the path of a marauding Alan Lack. Lack was not lacking in his ability to find the net past a shocked Rocky 1-1. The goal caused the Bison backers to want to embark on a wild week long bacchanalia. A week long what? The dictionary defines it as a drunken feast/orgy in honour of Bacchus, the god of wine.

There were to be no more goals in the 1^st period, but no sooner had the 2^nd opened than Bison had grabbed a lead which they were never surrendered. The goal was a tragedy, not a Shakespearean tragedy or even Greek tragedy, but a goaltending tragedy. Bison skipper Aaron “Billy Connolly scrapped for the puck in the corner, won it and found Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson. Tommo was behind the goal line, but saw a gap. The netman was not tight to his post and he suffered the ignominy of having the puck banked in off him. Intentional? Only Tommo could say. It mattered not a jot. Intentional or otherwise it was a red light moment as the goal light blazed forth like a beacon on a stormy night. 2-1 Bison with the goal timed at 20:15.

Exactly 2 minutes later it was 3-1. Not content with picking up an assist for the first goal, J.J. Pitchley now scored one. A face off in the Flames’ defensive zone to Rockman’s left was won by Long Ciaron Long. The puck squirted to the bespectacled Pitchley. Well I say bespectacled, but he wasn’t wearing his glasses at this moment. He must have been sporting contact lenses or we would have had a Mister Magoo situation on our hands. J.J. moved forward and fired home with perfect vision before the Flames D-men could challenge him.

The Flames were looking rocky and needed to haul themselves back into the game or all would be lost. Within a minute and a half they did just that, but it proved to be their last hurrah as Bison banged in another couple before the period expired. Let us deal with the Flames goal first. Matic Kralj, whose previous teams include the extravagantly named Rio Grande Valley Killer Bees and the Rocky Mountain Rage, slipped the puck to Matt Towe from behind the goal line. Towe fired in and it was 3-2.

The goal gave was a ray of hope to the visitors. They needed to keep it tight, but, much to the chagrin of their fans, they played it loose and paid the price. 2 goals in 36 seconds in the 28^th/29^th minutes sealed their fate. Bison’s 4^th goal was a spectacle to behold. Lumberjack Joe Rand surged forward under a challenge which prevented him from getting off a shot. However he did manage to keep possession, shrug off the D-man get the puck back to Long Ciaron Long in front of the net. Long Ciaron raised his stick high above his shoulders and brought it down in a long sweeping arc. Alas he hit the ice too far behind the puck and his twig snapped as the puck dribbled apologetically forward. Long Ciaron skated urgently towards the bench for replacement lumber. He needn’t have expended the energy. Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly turned on the puck and slappped it past Rockman from the slot. 4-2 Bison.

Bison’s 5^th goal must have had the rocky Rocky groaning with embarrassment. Ryan “You What” Watt scrapped for the puck in the corner, won it and supplied it to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. The Czech chap took the puck around the back of the net, emerged the other side and scored from an acute angle with a shot over Rocky’s shoulder. The goal resulted in an outburst of saturnalia in the Bison blocks. An outburst of what? The word Saturnalia is derived from the festival of Saturn, celebrated in December in ancient Rome - a time of unrestrained merrymaking. Now you know. The hapless goaltender looked down with disbelief at the puck sitting over the goal line. How could Karpov have forced it in from that position? He must have been as embarrassed as a man receiving a knighthood from the Queen who later discovers that his flies are undone. Well Rocky’s flies were not undone, but he had been undone. 5-2 Bison.

P2 played out with no further goals. During the interval we mused what the “J.J.” in J.J. Pitchley could stand for. Was it Jasper Jehosephat? Or maybe Josiah Jedidiah? Or maybe even Jupiter Juniper? Well, if it is any of these, it’s little wonder than he prefers “J.J.”.

P3 got under way. Were we to see a Flames revival or were Bison to surge even further ahead. Well we saw neither, but we did see the game turn ugly in the 54^th minute. Andy McKinney in possession of the puck in mid ice and looking for a pass was suddenly hit by Long Ciaron Long coming over the wall to start a shift. McKinney was looking the other way and Long Ciaron’s hit sent one of his gloves flying off and himself to the ice. Long was grabbed by one of the Flames (I didn’t see who that was), but all hell then broke loose as Danny Meyers steamed in. He looked as angry as a man whose Pukka Pie had just been carried off by a marauding eagle on Skegness sea front. (OK I know there aren’t any eagles on Skegness sea front, there are seagulls instead, but seagulls have webbed feet not claws so couldn’t carry off a Pukka Pie – bit of artistic license there). It was a classic third man in and Meyers had to go. Match penalty to him. Meyers skated from the penalty box to the locker room waving his arms as if trying to take off. If this was his intention he failed. A match penalty also to Long Ciaron for head checking. Things were getting feisty and it all boiled over again at the end of the game 6 minutes later, as I shall relate.

The final buzzer sounded and immediately a scrum behind the Bison goal, where the action had finished, developed. The on ice conference seemed to fail to produce agreement of any sort, just as surely as Osama bin Laden and Barrack Obama would struggle to attain a state of empathy and mutual appreciation and respect. Suddenly the verbals developed into pushing and shoving between Declan Balmer and Rupert Quiney. A greater escalation then ensued and punches were thrown. The two ended up falling to the ice. When it all broke up both payers skated directly off to their respective locker rooms. Quiney appeared to be in considerable discomfort as he left the ice to the tune of “Rupert the bear” and I heard an unconfirmed rumour that he had dislocated his shoulder when crashing to the ice. Let us hope not as that could put him out for several weeks. No penalties were dished out to the two pugilists on this occasion.

Men of the match were Tom Duggan and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, his second top banana award in successive matches. Well done to both.