Bison 3 Hull Pirates 1
8/10/16
After last
Saturday when a bunch of blokes from Sheffield turned up at Planet Ice
pretending to be hockey payers and said, “we’ll give you a game”, we were
hoping for something a trifle more, shall we say, competitive with the visit of
last night’s piratical opponents. After Bison had left the Steeldogs hanging
from the highest yardarm last week we expected was a bit more swashbuckle, a
bit more buccaneer, a bit more let’s swing on board your ship with cutlasses in
our teeth from the Hull Pirates. And that’s exactly what we got, although it
didn’t appear so at first with Bison pinning the Pirates down from the first
puck drop. In fact, it took two and a half minutes for the Pirates to take the
puck across the red line. However, they found their sea legs soon after and by
the end of the period had tested Tomas Hiadlovsky in the Bison net on 8
occasions. His counterpart in the piratical net, namely Jordan Marr, kept out
16 shots and was looking increasingly Berlin Wall-esque as he journeyed on a
path, not to redemption, but to the Man of the Match award. Bison’s 1st
period efforts can be summed up thus ….. though threatened, they thrashed
through the throbbing throng, then, thrillingly, thrust the thing thither –
thwack! – thus thoughtfully thwarting those thieving, thunderingly thickheaded
thugs, thereafter thoroughly thrown. My best use of alliteration ever. But what
does it mean? I have no idea myself. Let’s move on.
P2 opened and
Bison thought they had taken the lead soon after. A shot deflected high into
the air and then fell to earth like an Isaac Newton apple. On hand was
Dangerous Derek Roehl (pronounced rail, not roll, reel, real or royal by the
way) to hammer the puck into the net. Alas for Roehl the referee, who was to
enjoy a somewhat bizarre game with several odd decisions, only some of which I
have time to relate, dear reader, ruled the goal not a goal because of high
sticks. So still 0-0.
Bison continues
to press and Jordan Marr’s life became more and more charmed as the clock
ticked on. During a power play with Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack doing porridge,
Bison had more shots on goal than the Pirates and so nearly bagged a shortie
when René Jarolin and Desperate Dan Davies bypassed the D-man in a 2 on 1, but
the shot was saved, hit the post or went wide – sorry to be so vague. Suffice
it to say it didn’t go in. Surely Bison had to score soon. Well actually no –
it was the Pirates who bagged a goal in the 32nd minutes. In the
U.S. military “dereliction of duty” is a court martial offence. The first men
charged with such during World War II were Lieutenants Sincock and Balides, who
mistakenly dropped bombs on Zürich in Switzerland, which was, of course, a
neutral country, thinking it was Freiberg in Germany. The actions of the Bison
D were nowhere near as serious as bombing Zurich, but it could be said without
fear of contradiction that they were guilty of dereliction of duty as Lee
Bonner (don’t forget to spell his name with 2 x Ns) and the luxuriantly bearded
Jason Hewitt sent Andrej Themar away on a break. He slipped the Bison D-man,
cut inside to carve out a 1-on-1 with Hiadlovsky and scored. 1-0 Pirates.
Oh dear. Was
this going to be another heist of the century (see previous report)? The
position Bison now found themselves in was as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble
Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler sweeping up the
shattered remains of his 16th century Ming vase having used it for a
wicket in a game of indoor cricket. They had to get back into the game as soon
as possible and this they did with an unassisted goal, which actually was assisted.
Just over a minute after the piratical opener a shot from the point was tipped
in by Aaron “Billy” Connolly in an almost carbon copy of the goal he scored
last week against the Dogs. Whoever it was who fired in the shot was worthy of
an assist, but no-one, not even Tony Hand, came forward and said “it was me”
and so the goal was recorded for all time as unassisted. In 100 years’ time when
the game sheet is read the identity of the assistant will still be a mystery. Never
mind. It was 1-1 and all to play for.
P2 was proving a
much more even period than P1 and it would have been a fair reflection of play
for the teams to have returned to the locker rooms with a goal apiece at
cessation of P2 hostilities. However, Bison had other ideas and on 38:50 bagged
a go ahead goal, which had the artistic qualities of Rodin, Nureyev and
Picasso, but thankfully not with Rodin painting, Nureyev sculpting and Picasso
doing ballet. Jarolin broke up the left wing and received a pass from Connolly. Jarolin's pass across the face of the goal found Roehl, who cut inside in front of the goal and unleashed a top shelfer past Marr, who was by now screened by his own D-men and couldn't react as the puck sailed past his glove and into the net. There was nothing
that the Pirates’ D could have done about it. They might just as well have gone
off looking for Captain Kidd’s treasure instead (see footnote). 2-1 Bison.
Soon after the
period ended and shortly after that the period between periods ended so into
the 3rd period we passed. Referee Tim Pickett was about to enjoy his
finest hour. Ivan or Vanya Antonov (I didn’t see which one) shot, Marr saved, scooped the puck back with his stick, but it hit his pad and went in. The Pickett flat hand pointed emphatically towards
the net. The Antonov twins looked surprised. “It was a good goal,” Mr. Pickett must
have thought and then “actually no it wasn’t” and washed it off. Eh? He blew his whistle when the puck disappeared under Marr, thinking it to be frozen. But the puck squirted through and over the line. If he blew the whistle to stop play, why did he then indicate a goal? The words “ear”
and “pig’s” come to mind. Perhaps his namesake Wilson Pickett could have done a
better job. Never mind. Both the Antonovs continued to look surprised.
On 50 minutes,
however, we saw the Pickett flat hand once again and this time it was not retracted.
Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov won a face off in the Pirates’ defensive zone. The
puck came to Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer just inside the blue line. He sent in a
wrist shot, which, much to everyone’s surprise, flew unblocked into the goal
for 3-1 Bison. One can only assume that Marr was screened as the puck came from
a long way out. 3-1 Bison.
Shortly after we
were then treated to another rather odd refereeing decision. Rabbits’ Foot Joe
Baird lifted the puck into air. It followed a perfect arc as it rose and then
fell back to the ice beyond the red line, its trajectory uninterrupted by any
part of the Planet Ice structure. A blast from Mr. Pickett’s Acme Thunderer
stopped play as, in his view, the puck had hit the ceiling. Piffle! An
anguished cry of “Oi Pickett. What are you smokin’?” emanated from Block C. Mr.
Pickett didn’t enlighten us. It mattered not. A face off was being signaled.
And so we moved
into the final 3 minutes of the game. Imagine you are Dr. Hook and you’re
talking on the phone to Sylvia’s mother, trying to persuade her to put her
daughter on the line. The operator says, “40 cents more for the next 3
minutes.” But you haven’t got 40 cents more. You could describe your situation as
desperate. And by now the Pirates were in such a desperate situation. However, with
2:25 remaining the Pirates were thrown a lifeline. Roehl was adjudged to have
tripped Thamar. The Bison crowd were outraged. Their blood boiled just as
surely as the jolly swagman’s billy boiled by the billabong. Particularly
vociferous was the Howling Man in Block C. “What a dive,” was his considered
opinion and he proceeded to tell us several times over at full volume, as he turned
progressively more purple with every exclamation. However, Referee Pickett
rejoiced in a contrary opinion to the Howling Man’s and it was only his opinion
which mattered. So off to the house of correction went Dangerous Derek. The 5
on 4 soon became a 6 on 4 as the Pirates pulled their goaltender. It was a case
of cheerio Jordan Marr - an early tiffin for you old fruit. Bison held out and
even managed several empty net shots, none of which went in.
The final buzzer
sounded and the buccaneering boarders had been repelled. Top Bananas were goaltender
Marr for the Pirates and Dangerous Derek Roehl for Bison. Well done to both. Referee
Pickett did not get an award.
Footnote : Notorious pirate William Kidd was hanged
in 1701. He claimed to have buried a huge stash of treasure, but declined to
say where. Adventurers have been searching for Captain Kidd’s treasure for 300
years, but it has never been found. Was he having a laugh?
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