Bison 3 Sheffield Steeldogs 0
1/10/16
Ever heard of
Mark Twain? Of course you have. But did you know his real name was Samuel
Clemens. It is said he picked up his pen name whilst working as a river pilot
on the Mississippi in the 1850s. To indicate a river depth of 2 fathoms the
pilots would shout “Mark twain”. How did they know the river depth – after all
it was years before the invention of sonar. Well they used to “plumb the
depths” by lowering a lead weight on the end of a rope over the side of the
boat down to the bottom of the river bed.
What relevance has this to last night’s game? It’s a tenuous connection
I admit, but perhaps not literally, but certainly colloquially, plumb the
depths was exactly what the Sheffield Steeldogs did at Planet Ice last night. Outshot
by an incredible score of 53-15, they succumbed to a rather flattering score of
only 3-0 thanks to their Man of the Match goaltender James Hadfield, who had to
endure the greatest bombardment since the Battle of Jutland. He ended up with a
save percentage of 94.34%.
We were unsure
as to what type of Steeldogs team we were going to see. Well the Dogs seem to
have shed their goon it up style of play. Of course André Payette has long
gone, but we were regaled with some heartening news a few weeks ago when it was
announced that the unsavoury Craig Elliott had hung up his skates – if only he
had been hung by the neck by an angry lynch mob of hockey purists instead. (If
you need any confirmation of how awful a player Elliott was see footnote 1). And
last night we were treated to the absence of Callum Pattison, serving a
suspension, a man who has racked up a gargantuan 684 PIMs in only 128 EPL
games. Let us, therefore, applaud a Dogs’ team which came with the intention of
playing hockey. Alas they failed, as I shall relate, dear reader. But before I
do I will quote from the Bearded Rabble Rouser’s report, which, although
written before the game, proved very accurate – “Byeson v Sherfield. Some
hockey stuff happened. Bison won by a country mile. Trevor writed some
preposterous waffle and we all went home happy.” Sports journalism of the
highest quality I am sure you will agree. You don’t need me, do you?
It didn’t take
Bison long to set the scoreboard ticking. On 5 minutes Dangerous Derek Roehl
set up Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for a shot. Said shot was saved by James Hadfield,
but, alas for the hapless netman, he failed to engulf the puck in an
amoeba-esque fashion and it spilled onto the ice in front of his goal. Johnny-on-the
spot was René Jarolin lurking suspiciously. He slid the puck over the line and it was 1-0
Bison. The crowd erupted while the actor from an itinerant Shakespearean troop
present in Block C was moved to utter “Felicitations. We has't scor'd and our
team winneth the encount'r”.
Bison continued
to press, but, despite their dominance, illustrated by a shot count of 18-3 in
P1, could not find a way past Hadfield after the Jarolin goal. The buzzer
sounded and off to the locker rooms the team went. Bison must have been very
pleased with their performance and the Dogs terrified of what might be awaiting
them in P2. They were right to be terrified as they were treated to more of the
same. A rampant Bison hammered 25 shots at the Hadfield net, while the Dogs
only managed to interrupt the slumbers of an underutilised Tomas Hiadlovsky on
3 occasions. So dominant were Bison that on one Dogs’ power play Bison’s 4 had
the Dogs 5 pinned in their own defensive zone for half the play. Eventually the
pressure told, so read on if you please.
On 32:30 Dogs’
skipper Ben Morgan was called for holding. “Get down the steps, matey,” or
words to that effect, said Referee Brooks and off to the glasshouse went Morgan.
The penalty expired and the Dogs’ stalwart defence had kept Bison out. However,
just as Morgan was skating back onto the ice, that iron curtain of resistance
cracked. Jarolin set up Jan “The Man” Jarabek for a shot from the slot. There
in front of the net was Aaron “Billy” Connolly. He thrust his stick in the path
of the flying puck and deflected it into the net past the shoulder of the
unfortunate Hadfield, who had no chance of reacting to the redirect. 2-0 Bison.
The outburst of approbation from the Bison blocks threatened to bring the roof
down. Bearing in mind the parlous structural state of the Planet Ice arena,
that could have happened.
The Dogs held
out for the rest of the period and were lucky when an all alone Long Ciaron
Long was set up with a chance close in to the netman’s right, but saw his wrist
shot ring the pipes. The net remained unbulged and the score remained 2-0. Bad
luck Long Ciaron.
Can you imagine
44,000,000 cowpats? Yes 44 million. That is what I estimate the quantity of
dung in the Augean stables to have been. 1,000 livestock lived in these
stables, which hadn’t been cleaned for 30 years. So at an average of 4 “movements”,
shall we call them, a day each that would be 44 million cowpats, give or take a
dozen or two. Hercules was given the task of cleaning the Augean stables in a
single day. He succeeded (see footnote 2), but, alas for the handful of Dogs’
faithful, who had made the trek from the frozen wastes of the North, their
team, faced with the equally monumental task of coming back from their hopeless
position of 0-2 to the bad and outshot by 8-41 in the first 2 periods, were
unable to emulate the Herculean success.
Into P3 we moved
and, although the Dogs’ P3 performance was a great improvement on their P1
& P2 performances, breaking down the Bison D was proving mission impossible
for them. Whichever players were on the ice at any one time seemed not to
matter in the slightest as the homesters looked as solid as the Rock of
Gibraltar, the Great Wall of China and the gates of Fort Knox all rolled into
one. And on the 7 occasions when the visitors did manage to have a pot at the
Bison goal there was the shutout bound Hiadlovsky to deny them.
Early in the 3rd period we were treated to a
cameo of violence from Dangerous Derek Roehl. He hammered into Tim Smith in
open ice. The coming together could be described as a bone crunching hit of the
most gargantuan variety. Smith looked as if he might require medical attention,
but I heard no cry of “Ooo Matron” emanating from him. Nevertheless he fell to
the ice in a crumpled heap. Roehl’s momentum took him over the prostrate form
of his victim and he crashed off the ice and through the bench door. Exactly
the sort of physical stuff we were looking forward to from Dangerous Derek when
his signing was announced. More of the same please.
The final nail
was driven into the Dogs’ coffin on 53:37. Reynolds shot from just inside the
blue line. Hadfield blocked it with his pad, but the puck went as loose as a goose
and the follically challenged Matt
Towlaski slid it across the line. 3-0 Bison. The aristocrat in Block A was
moved to shout, “I say. Jolly good show. You’ve had your chips, you canine
chappies.” Dan “The Specs” Lackey was appointed second lackey for the goal.
With goal no. 3 and only a few minutes to play, the Dogs’
chances of getting anything from the game plunged into oblivion in the same
manner that Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty had plunged headlong over
the precipice at the Reichenback Falls.
And so it proved and, with no more scoring in the period,
the one sided game ended. Unsurprisingly Hadfield was elected the Dogs’ who
else could it have been Top Banana and Connolly Bison’s.
Footnote 1: Craig Elliott played 263 games for the
Steeldogs. 18 goals – 55 assists – 758 PIMs.
Footnote 2: Hercules achieved his task by re-routing
the rivers Alpheus and Peneus to wash out the 44 million cow pats.
No comments:
Post a Comment