Dogged Dangling Dick and Dangerous Deadly Doc Decide Duel

Bison 4 Streatham Redhawks 3 (OT)

26/1/19

It would appear that history can repeat itself – or rather nearly. Here’s what I said about the first Bison v Redhawks game at Planet Ice back in November, which also ended 4-3. “This was a cracking encounter, between two very evenly matched teams, swinging one way, then the other, then back again with the game being decided by an overtime clapper from Coach Ashley Tait.” The only difference last night was the decider was a snapper from Doc Cowley.

P1 was a very even affair and it would be the Redhawks who snatched a go ahead goal on 18:51. Leigh Jamieson fired a defence splitting pass to Rupert Quiney in front of goal. The puck cut through like a machete going through a slab of lard (has anyone ever used a machete to do that I wonder?) With long locks flowing from the back of his helmet, which could have elicited a shout of “Get your hair cut,” from the Howling Man in Block C, who has on previous occasions given the same advice to other players with girl-esque hair styles, Quiney cut a dash and cut a caper as he cut loose, slotting home 5-hole. Andreas Siagris with the second assist. 1-0 Redhawks.

That was it on the scoring front for P1. The Redhawks went in with a lead, albeit one as slender as a snake hipped and svelte person who is svelte and has snake hips. P2 opened and very soon the Redhawks’ lead disappeared as if it had never existed or, if it had, had been dissipated in a puff of smoke during a magic trick. The Bison leveller, achieved without the assistance of Tommy Cooper, David Blaine or Paul Daniels, arrived on 24:43. It was, however, achieved with the assistance of Redhawks’ D-man, Siagris, who dawdled on the Redhawks blue line looking for an extravagant pass to set another Redhawks’ attack on its way. Oh the impetuosity of youth. While he delayed, hesitated, procrastinated and lingered, which was quite an achievement as he managed to do all of these things at the same time, George “Gordon” Norcliffe pounced like a ferocious predator (see below) and snatched the puck off the Siagris stick tape. It was an audacious heist of which Dick Turpin would have been proud. At least Turpin had the decency to wear a mask so you knew what he was about, but not Gordon. He raced forward and before goaltender King could say “Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick”, although the likelihood is that he wouldn’t have wanted to say that anyway, Gordon ripped a top corner snipe past the glove of the hapless netman. 1-1. It was declared as an unassisted goal, although Siagris, whose dalliance had been of great assistance to Gordon, should have awarded an assist, whether he wanted it or not.

Bison now aspired to climb to a higher level and this they did by snatching the lead on 31:14. Bonnie Tyler told us she needed a hero and, had she been present last night, she would have got one, namely Coach Ashley Tait. Set up by Norcliffe and Jay King, the coach moved towards the Redhawks’ net. Significant quantities of velocity, rapidity, acceleration and momentum were involved in his progress. He looked to offload a pass to one of his two supporting team-mates, but there wasn’t one on. “Oh well I’ll just have to do all this on my own,” he thought. Whilst attempting a circumnavigation of the globe in 1937 iconic aviator Amelie Earhart (that's her below) disappeared without a trace. In a similar fashion goaltender King’s ability to stop the puck also disappeared without a trace at this moment as Tait backhanded though the King 5-hole. 2-1 Bison.

Disaster then befell Bison. On 36:09 Jay King was called for roughing. I must admit I did not see the incident and will have to presume it had something to do with the dictionary definition of rough, namely “having a coarse or uneven surface, as from projections, irregularities, or breaks; not smooth”, but I cannot say with any degree of certainty. Be that as it may, down the steps went King to do a stretch in the glasshouse. Halfway through the 5 on 4, a further Bison disaster occurred with Dangling Dick Bordowski scooping the puck over the glass. “You can’t do that,” said Referee Picket. “I’m feeling your collar, matey. Delay of game”. So up the river went Bordo to join King in the slammer. Bison had 1:08 to defend a 5 on 3. They failed. Set up by Jamieson and Michael Farn, both stalwarts of the old EPL Milton Keynes Lightning, Canadian Alex Roberts, who never played for the Milton Keynes Lightning, but did play at one time for the Flin Flon Bombers, whipped in a top shelf wrist shot. 2-2.

Bison came on strong in the last minute of the period hoping to restore their lead. The seconds were ticking down and another go ahead goal looked unlikely, even though they were hammering on King’s door, as opposed to Shakin’ Stevens’s door, which was green, of course. (The said gent is shown below). However with 2.3 seconds left the Bison backers were propelled to a state of Nirvana. The Redhawks D had done really well to baulk the homesters in a frantic last minute, but by now they were consumed with fatigue and also shellshocked from their exertions. As Bison wound up one more move the Streatham chaps were doomed. They offered as much resistance as a fortune cookie, on which is dropped an English to Mandarin dictionary from a height of ten feet. Michal Klejna had shaken off his coverers and was all alone at the back door. He unleashed a sizzling down on one knee snap shot, which flew past the goaltender with the velocity of a spring roll fired from a chopstick catapult. The puck would have flown all the way to Shanghai had it not been stopped by the net. (A chopstick what? OK you can’t buy them in the shops, but you could make one). Liam Morris and Coach Tait with the assists. 3-2 Bison and P2 over.

P3 opened and Bison could not repeat their scoring feats of P2. In fact, it would be the Redhawks who would level up the game late on. On 53:29 Bordowski was called for roughing. This was his 4^th penalty of the evening and it looked as if Ref Pickett had it in for Dangling Dick. The Redhawks powerplay was prosecuted with great gusto, putting massive pressure on the Bison goal. Bison survived, but not for long as 3 seconds after the expiry of the 5 on 4 Jamieson and Roberts combined to set up Ryan Webb (no relation to Janet Webb as far as I am aware – remember that generously proportioned lady on the Morcambe and Wise show?) Webb scored from close range and it was 3-3 with all to play for.

There were no more goals in P3, so into overtime we passed, but not for long. Only 12 seconds in fact. Bison won the face off and Dangling Dick took possession of the puck. He was forced wide to the boards. In 1963 The Beatles sang “I saw her standing there”. What a great song. “She was just 17, you know what I mean”. Well at least that’s older than Jerry Lee Lewis’s 13 year old wife Myra, who was also his cousin. (That's them below. Scandalous!)

Well Bordo saw, not the her in the Beatles song, nor Mrs Lewis, but Doc Cowley standing there in front of goal and, as far as the Doc was concerned, it was going to be “Goodnight Vienna”, “Goodnight, sweetheart” and “Goodnight John-Boy” for the men from the Smoke. The Doc dished out the medicine as he slammed the biscuit past King and it was all over. Had Charlie Chaplin, Mr Bates, John Cleese, John Steed, Prince Charles and Chris Eubank been present and Bison fans, they would have thrown their bowler hats in the air in celebration, but I didn’t spot any of those gentlemen or indeed any bowlers being thrown up to the rafters of Planet Ice, which is just as well as it may have caused the building to collapse.

The final curtain fell after Top Bananas were announced as Ziggy Beesley for the men from the Smoke and Liam Morris for Bison.

Break Out the Haggis – Morris Hat-Trick Strikes Thunder

Bison 7 Milton Keynes Thunder 2

19/1/19

According to the Stranglers by 1977 there were no more heroes anymore – Leon Trotsky, dear old Lennie, the Great Elmyr, Sancho Panza and all the Shakespearoes - all gone. Well they were wrong because last night we hailed not only a Bison hero, namely Liam “Square Sausage” Morris with a hat-trick, but also 13 Thunder heroes, who, despite having only 11 skaters, made a game of it and were not disgraced.

However, the game started badly for the Thunder. Bison’s first attempt at goal yielded a goal. The said happenstance occurred on 2:22. Adam Harding sent Morris bursting over the blue line. Fleet of foot, keen of eye and sharp of brain he showed sleight of hand as he outsmarted everyone and suddenly clapped a low shot past Tom Annetts in the Thunder goal. The Annetts’ save percentage changed from “not applicable”, as he hadn’t faced a shot, to 0% in the wiggle of a stick, which must have made the former Bison netman a trifle angry. 1-0 Bison. Pilot Office Paul Petts with an “A” for the goal.

 If Bison thought the dike was going to break, they hadn’t bargained for the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the crack in the dike wall and saved Holland from flooding. OK there may not have been a little Dutch boy, but there was a resilient Thunder team who weren’t going to roll over. In fact on 7 minutes exactly they levelled it up with Gareth O’Flaherty firing in off the post from in front of the goal. Or was it Oliver Stone, as said the game sheet, which is frequently wrong? Rio Grinell-Parke with the second assist. 1-1.

Bison then went under a bit of pressure, but clawed their way back into the lead on 10:05. Hallam Wilson set up Jay King for a long range shot. The Caledonian D-man snapped his wrists and the puck flew in a netwards direction. Annetts may well have had the shot covered, but he didn’t bargain for the dangling twig of Oscar Evans. Rubber thwacked stick tape and the puck flew past a shocked Annetts, who lacked the physical magnitude to block the whole goal. 2-1 Bison.

The period ended with no further scoring and Thunder must have been pretty pleased with their performance. They had actually outshot Bison and trailed by a solitary score. But all that was to change in P2 as Bison powered forward, outshooting their guests by 17-3 and surging into a 5-1 lead.

Goal no.3 arrived on 23:12. Set up by Danny Ingoldsby and Oscar Evans, Hallam Wilson sliced through the Thunder D and flicked the puck past a despairing Annetts, who had been left cruelly exposed. “Why don’t you do something to help me?” was an oft repeated request by Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel, of course. In this case Annetts may well have said the same to his D, as they seemed to have done nothing to close Wilson down. 3-1 Bison and both Wilson and Evans now had a goal and an assist each. All they needed for a Gordie Howe hat-trick (a goal, an assist and a fight) was a fight. If they couldn’t find any Thunder players to fight they could have fought each other. They didn’t and the Gordie Howe hat-tricks remained unachieved.

On 35:58 it was 4-1. Receiving a pass from Wilson, Morris skated across the slot and with Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick accuracy he whipped a blistering biriyanis wrist shot under the blocker of Annetts. Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph with the second assist.

4-1 became 5-1 on 37:31. This time it was the Bison top line of Doc Cowley, Dangling Dick Bordowski and Alex Sampford which produced the goods with the third named fellow stabbing home the puck at the second attempt.

By now Annetts must have been in a state of advance melancholia. He had hoped that he was would be playing behind a defence which would prove as difficult penetrate as it would be to cut through the crust of a two-month-old British Rail pork pie using a plastic knife whilst balancing the pie on a paper plate as you stand in the corridor of a rickety train passing over uneven rail tracks. But, much to his chagrin, the scenario of resistance and solidity remained unachieved. The hapless goaltender’s evening of torture was about to end. The P2 ending buzzer sounded and when the teams came out for P3 it was announced that there had been a Thunder goaltending change. The new goaltender was ….. Tom Annetts. Eh? Had he been replaced by his twin brother, who by some weird happenstance had the same first name due to a lack of parental imagination? No it was clearly Jordan Lawday, who had taken over the custodian’s duties, but, despite much vociferation, which included squawking, howling, yammering, and possibly also barking, coupled with much gesticulation, which included pointing, waving, motioning and gesturing from the crowd, the error remained an error and Lawday played as Annetts.

Sadly for the new Thunder netman, who was either Lawday or Annetts playing in Lawday’s shirt (OK it was Lawday), he allowed 2 more goals on 9 shots to end with an even worse save percentage than the Annetts and doubtless joined him in a state of funereal perturbation. The first of those two goal breachings arrived on 43:43. Ralph fired a speculative puck forward over the Thunder blue line. Morris and a Thunder D-man, who I am unable to identify, which is just as well as I would have no desire to embarrass the poor fellow, chased after the biscuit. They precipitated forward like a couple of gold prospectors rushing to the Klondike circa 1897. Morris was clearly going to win the race, but would he be able to do anything with the puck once he reached it? Yes he could. He thrust out his stick one handed like the long sticky tongue of a frog preying on a passing fly. Lumber made contact with rubber and the puck slid past Lawday and into the net like an egg on a hot griddle. Oh lordy, Lawday. 6-1 Bison and a hat-trick for the Caledonian. Time to break out the haggis, neeps and tatties, not to mention a wee dram or two in celebtraion.

But Thunder were not done yet and on 54:46 introduced a soupçon of respectability to the scoreline (6-2 significantly more respectable than 6-1). Tomas Rubes found the top corner of Alex “Mittens” Mettam’s net from the slot. Assists to Alex Whyte and Ross Green, but not to Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum.

There then occurred something which had not previously occurred during the game. Referee Evans awarded Bison a power play, having ignored so much that had gone on before. Had he lost the pea in his Acme Thunderer? Did he have an appointment after the game for which he didn’t want to be late. We can only speculate. Anyway the unfortunate Rio Grinell-Parke was called for a monumental hit on Chris Cooke. “Boarding!” was the decision of the referee and by that he wasn’t referring to pieces of wood sawed thin, and of considerable length and breadth compared with their thickness, which can be used to create a structure such as a fence or a floor. Indeed no. Down the steps went the hapless chap and on to the 5 on 4 went Bison.

A minute into the power play and fruit was borne. Dangling Dick Bordowski didn’t bother with a deke or a dangle. He squared a pass to Morris from the left wing. Down came Morris’s stick to deliver a goal bound slap shot. Lawday was equal to the Morris clapper, but, much to the netman’s irritation, the puck rebounded straight to Harding, who fired it into the net and send Lawday into an advanced state of vexation. 7-2 Bison.

Just under 4 minutes remaining and 5 goals to the bad. Could Thunder stage a remarkable comeback and go on from here to win the game? There seemed as much chance of this as Nelson Mandela’s application for membership of the Soweto branch Ku Klux Klan being accepted and so it proved. The final buzzer sounded and it was all over.

Top Bananas were elected. Thunder’s main man was adjudged to have been Rio Grinell-Parke and Bison’s Liam Morris.

Bewildered Bracknell Beeson Broken by Breathtaking Bison Blast

Bison 6 Bracknell Bees 2

12/1/18

Ooo what a night! Those who were present at Planet Ice last night were treated to a zim-zam-zaramango game full of Ooo Matron hockey, an avalanche of goals, some of which were of awesome spectacularity, a generous slice of rabble rousing and leg pulling from the usual source (you naughty man Bavi) and a rip roaring atmosphere, the likes of which you will not find at any other NIHL rink’ least of all The Hive. By the end of the evening Bison had doled out a veritable trousers down spanking to the visitors, leaving them squirming with embarrassment. However, those Beeson fans who had deserted the Bison colours in the summer, some of whom had decided it was a good idea to sit in their old Bison block, whether welcome or not, must have been thrilled by the experience of watching a purple pulsating encounter as they are now merely “supporters of hockey”.

Bison went on the offensive from the first puck drop, but it wasn’t until 14:19 that they managed to snatch a go ahead goal. Dangling Dick Bordowski set up Alex Sampford for a shot from the left wing. As the shot came in it looked as if Dean Skinns in the insects’ net had it covered, but his D had proved chunderous, blunderous and bunglesome because no-one had covered the movement of Doc Russ Cowley and an all alone Bison skipper executed a twig dangling near post tip in past Deano. 1-0 Bison.

Just over a minute later, namely on 15:35, the ever popular Scott Spearing was adjudged to have tripped. The Bison backers were hoping that 10 years in the Siberian salts mines would be doled out to Spearing, but Referee Matthews was not empowered to impose such a sentence, so it was 2 minutes in the House of Correction instead. Those present who thought that Spearing might be full of contrition for his hideous misdeed and emerge a reformed character had taken leave of their senses. Never mind. What did happen, however, was that Bison bagged a goal less than a minute into the PP. Michal Klejna set up Adam Jones for an Ooo Mr. Rigsby shot from the point. The puck rose from the ice, as a snake charmer’s cobra rising from its basket, and there in front of the net was George “Gordon” Norcliffe, ex Bee and one of the players the new coach didn’t want, to chop the puck down past an astonished Deano and metaphorically poke Coach Sheppard in the eye. 2-0 Bison.

A few minutes later P1 ended. It had been a fairly even period, but Bison were well ahead. The Bees had to pull a rabbit out of a hat or all would be lost. This they did with 2 goals inside 34 seconds at the start of P2. The first arrived on 21:57 with Zach Milton tapping in a rebounded shot. Assistants were identified as Tyler Vankleef and Ryan Sutton. Then on 22:31 Roman Malinik hammered a one timer past Mettam, having been set up by Vanya and Ivan, the Antonov twins, with a pass from behind the goal line. Aidan Doughty with the further assist. 2-2.

Blistering biriyanis we hadn’t seen that coming. The comeback put the Bees on the front foot and matters became a trifle uncomfortable on 29:19 for the “REAL” Bison fans when Adam Harding had his collar felt for hooking. Down the steps for a stretch he went. Now was the Bees’ chance. A power play goal would give them the lead. There was a goal, but not of a type from which the real Bees’ fans and the Cold War-esque Bison to Beeson defectors could derive any pleasure from as Bison scored it. With the 5 Bees skaters committed forward, Dangling Dick Bordowski seized possession of the puck on the boards and slewed a superb inch perfect stretch pass slicing through the Bees as decisively as a Samurai sword made of the finest tempered steel and freshly sharpened by an itinerant knife sharpener would slice though a slab of blancmange.

The puck found its way onto the stick tape of Doc Cowley all alone in mid ice. Back in 1955 Chuck Berry told us he was motorvatin’ over the hill when he saw Maybelline in a Coupe DeVille (that's one below) “doin' 'bout ninety-five”. He gave chase in his Ford V8 and was bumper to bumper with the Maybelline’s Cadillac. But the Ford got hot and “wouldn't do no mo” until it started to rain. The rainwater blew under his Chuck’s hood, cooled his motor down and he managed to catch Maybelline at the top of the hill doing 110. On full throttle, the Bees’ D may have caught Chuck and Maybelline, but they couldn’t catch the Doc. He approached goal and then doled out his medicine – a ripped snipe into the net. He had skinned Skinns. Deano was very upset and tried to kick the puck away but missed. 3-2 Bison.

 

If ever there was a goal to change the dynamic of a game that shortie was it. 5 minutes later Bison were back to a 2 goal advantage with a score from a very unlikely source. Bordowski to Cowley to Sam Smith on the blue line. With the accuracy of treble 20 dart thrown by Phil “The Power” Taylor, the young Welsh D-man whipped a superb long range shot past Deano and into the net for his first senior hockey goal. I hope for Deano’s sake he was screened, but I couldn’t see from my angle. If he wasn’t it was an Ooo Betty goal to concede coming from so far out. As Smith stood on his spot looking shocked, the crowd effervesced like a Steradent tablet plopped into a glass of water, into which you have dropped your dentures last thing at night. Had the jubilant Bison backers brought any daffodils, the national flower of Wales of course, they would have thrown them into the air in celebration, but alas not even Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, compatriot of Smith’s, had. Never mind. Cymru Am Byth. 4-2 Bison.

P2 ended and P3 opened. Could the Bees repeat what they did at the start of the 2^nd? Well actually no they couldn’t and worse still Bison delivered what effectively amounted to the killer blow on 41:20. Set up by unwanted Bee but very much wanted Bison, Gordon Norcliffe, Coach Tait fired in a shot which was blocked by Skinns. The puck flew high into the air. Would it stay there? If you think it might have done, you know nothing about Newton’s theory of gravity and you’ve never had an apple fall on your head. It didn’t, of course. Down it came and there was Michal Klejna on the door step to smash the biscuit past a by now despairing Deano. 5-2 Bison and with that the Bees’ chances of winning the game were now as likely as someone being able to swim the Channel, climb Everest and journey to the centre of the earth all in the same afternoon.

But the game was not over yet and while there were seconds on the clock, the Bees always had a chance. In fact, the first step in a possible revival was handed to them soon after with a penalty shot awarded as Ingoldsby was adjudged to have hooked back Mailinik. Vankleef stepped up to take the shot. Was it spaghetti western colossus Lee van Kleef (that’s him below)? No it was his namesake Tyler Vankleef. He had to outwit Mettam, but alas for Vankleef he employed insufficient jiggery pokery to score. The jigging was OK, but there was way too little pokery and he couldn’t get the puck past a Mettam who didn’t commit himself as he fronted up to Vankleef’s elaborate deke, and managed to block the puck low when the Canadian finally delivered his best shot. Perhaps Clint Eastwood would have made a better job of it. 5-2 it remained. It was in effect a last Bees Hurrah! But, as Vankleef had failed to score, the Bees’ fans were not able to shout “Hurrah!” Perhaps they shouted “Oh dashed hard cheddar, Vankleef”, but, if they did, I didn’t hear as the explosion of noise from the Bison blocks which greeted the Mettam save would have deafened even a deaf man.

Things were about to become funereally terminal for the Bees. On 55:26 Bison hammered a final nail into the coffin and the Bees’ chances were now on a mortuary slab wearing a toe tag. Bordowski picked out Doc Cowley with a from behind the net pass out in front and the Doc hammered home to complete his hat-trick and sign the death certificate of the Bees’ hopes. Sampford with an assist. 6-2 Bison.

It was all over bar the shouting and there was plenty of that inspired as always by a very naughty leg pulling announcer (yes you were very naughty Bavi). The final buzzer blared forth soon after ended a night of pulsating purpleness for Bison and one of Prozac popping wretchedness for the Bees. Make no mistake, dear reader, this had been a veritable flagellation.

Top bananas were elected. Dean Skinns took the Bees’s award. This was a little surprising as, although we still love Deano, this had not been his finest hour. Bavi should have taken the Bison award, but alas only a player can and it was hat-trick hero Doc Cowley who did. But it could have been anyone really – maybe Dangling Dick Bordowski with 4 assists, Smith with his first senior goal or Alex “Mittens” with another great custodian performance – let’s not forget he is another player Coach Sheppard didn’t want for the Beeson.

Footnote : Chuck Berry was an all time musical great, but he was a very naughty man. He served 3 jail terms for armed robbery (1944), transporting a minor (a 14 year old prostitute) across a state border (1962) and tax evasion (1979). He was also notoriously mean. He wouldn’t employ a backing band when on tour. Instead the local band would be drafted in without rehearsal at each town he played. His only instruction was “Watch my foot. When it comes down if you’re playin’ – stop. If you ain’t – start.”