Bewildered Bracknell Beeson Broken by Breathtaking Bison Blast

Bison 6 Bracknell Bees 2

12/1/18

Ooo what a night! Those who were present at Planet Ice last night were treated to a zim-zam-zaramango game full of Ooo Matron hockey, an avalanche of goals, some of which were of awesome spectacularity, a generous slice of rabble rousing and leg pulling from the usual source (you naughty man Bavi) and a rip roaring atmosphere, the likes of which you will not find at any other NIHL rink’ least of all The Hive. By the end of the evening Bison had doled out a veritable trousers down spanking to the visitors, leaving them squirming with embarrassment. However, those Beeson fans who had deserted the Bison colours in the summer, some of whom had decided it was a good idea to sit in their old Bison block, whether welcome or not, must have been thrilled by the experience of watching a purple pulsating encounter as they are now merely “supporters of hockey”.

Bison went on the offensive from the first puck drop, but it wasn’t until 14:19 that they managed to snatch a go ahead goal. Dangling Dick Bordowski set up Alex Sampford for a shot from the left wing. As the shot came in it looked as if Dean Skinns in the insects’ net had it covered, but his D had proved chunderous, blunderous and bunglesome because no-one had covered the movement of Doc Russ Cowley and an all alone Bison skipper executed a twig dangling near post tip in past Deano. 1-0 Bison.

Just over a minute later, namely on 15:35, the ever popular Scott Spearing was adjudged to have tripped. The Bison backers were hoping that 10 years in the Siberian salts mines would be doled out to Spearing, but Referee Matthews was not empowered to impose such a sentence, so it was 2 minutes in the House of Correction instead. Those present who thought that Spearing might be full of contrition for his hideous misdeed and emerge a reformed character had taken leave of their senses. Never mind. What did happen, however, was that Bison bagged a goal less than a minute into the PP. Michal Klejna set up Adam Jones for an Ooo Mr. Rigsby shot from the point. The puck rose from the ice, as a snake charmer’s cobra rising from its basket, and there in front of the net was George “Gordon” Norcliffe, ex Bee and one of the players the new coach didn’t want, to chop the puck down past an astonished Deano and metaphorically poke Coach Sheppard in the eye. 2-0 Bison.

A few minutes later P1 ended. It had been a fairly even period, but Bison were well ahead. The Bees had to pull a rabbit out of a hat or all would be lost. This they did with 2 goals inside 34 seconds at the start of P2. The first arrived on 21:57 with Zach Milton tapping in a rebounded shot. Assistants were identified as Tyler Vankleef and Ryan Sutton. Then on 22:31 Roman Malinik hammered a one timer past Mettam, having been set up by Vanya and Ivan, the Antonov twins, with a pass from behind the goal line. Aidan Doughty with the further assist. 2-2.

Blistering biriyanis we hadn’t seen that coming. The comeback put the Bees on the front foot and matters became a trifle uncomfortable on 29:19 for the “REAL” Bison fans when Adam Harding had his collar felt for hooking. Down the steps for a stretch he went. Now was the Bees’ chance. A power play goal would give them the lead. There was a goal, but not of a type from which the real Bees’ fans and the Cold War-esque Bison to Beeson defectors could derive any pleasure from as Bison scored it. With the 5 Bees skaters committed forward, Dangling Dick Bordowski seized possession of the puck on the boards and slewed a superb inch perfect stretch pass slicing through the Bees as decisively as a Samurai sword made of the finest tempered steel and freshly sharpened by an itinerant knife sharpener would slice though a slab of blancmange.

The puck found its way onto the stick tape of Doc Cowley all alone in mid ice. Back in 1955 Chuck Berry told us he was motorvatin’ over the hill when he saw Maybelline in a Coupe DeVille (that's one below) “doin' 'bout ninety-five”. He gave chase in his Ford V8 and was bumper to bumper with the Maybelline’s Cadillac. But the Ford got hot and “wouldn't do no mo” until it started to rain. The rainwater blew under his Chuck’s hood, cooled his motor down and he managed to catch Maybelline at the top of the hill doing 110. On full throttle, the Bees’ D may have caught Chuck and Maybelline, but they couldn’t catch the Doc. He approached goal and then doled out his medicine – a ripped snipe into the net. He had skinned Skinns. Deano was very upset and tried to kick the puck away but missed. 3-2 Bison.

 

If ever there was a goal to change the dynamic of a game that shortie was it. 5 minutes later Bison were back to a 2 goal advantage with a score from a very unlikely source. Bordowski to Cowley to Sam Smith on the blue line. With the accuracy of treble 20 dart thrown by Phil “The Power” Taylor, the young Welsh D-man whipped a superb long range shot past Deano and into the net for his first senior hockey goal. I hope for Deano’s sake he was screened, but I couldn’t see from my angle. If he wasn’t it was an Ooo Betty goal to concede coming from so far out. As Smith stood on his spot looking shocked, the crowd effervesced like a Steradent tablet plopped into a glass of water, into which you have dropped your dentures last thing at night. Had the jubilant Bison backers brought any daffodils, the national flower of Wales of course, they would have thrown them into the air in celebration, but alas not even Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, compatriot of Smith’s, had. Never mind. Cymru Am Byth. 4-2 Bison.

P2 ended and P3 opened. Could the Bees repeat what they did at the start of the 2^nd? Well actually no they couldn’t and worse still Bison delivered what effectively amounted to the killer blow on 41:20. Set up by unwanted Bee but very much wanted Bison, Gordon Norcliffe, Coach Tait fired in a shot which was blocked by Skinns. The puck flew high into the air. Would it stay there? If you think it might have done, you know nothing about Newton’s theory of gravity and you’ve never had an apple fall on your head. It didn’t, of course. Down it came and there was Michal Klejna on the door step to smash the biscuit past a by now despairing Deano. 5-2 Bison and with that the Bees’ chances of winning the game were now as likely as someone being able to swim the Channel, climb Everest and journey to the centre of the earth all in the same afternoon.

But the game was not over yet and while there were seconds on the clock, the Bees always had a chance. In fact, the first step in a possible revival was handed to them soon after with a penalty shot awarded as Ingoldsby was adjudged to have hooked back Mailinik. Vankleef stepped up to take the shot. Was it spaghetti western colossus Lee van Kleef (that’s him below)? No it was his namesake Tyler Vankleef. He had to outwit Mettam, but alas for Vankleef he employed insufficient jiggery pokery to score. The jigging was OK, but there was way too little pokery and he couldn’t get the puck past a Mettam who didn’t commit himself as he fronted up to Vankleef’s elaborate deke, and managed to block the puck low when the Canadian finally delivered his best shot. Perhaps Clint Eastwood would have made a better job of it. 5-2 it remained. It was in effect a last Bees Hurrah! But, as Vankleef had failed to score, the Bees’ fans were not able to shout “Hurrah!” Perhaps they shouted “Oh dashed hard cheddar, Vankleef”, but, if they did, I didn’t hear as the explosion of noise from the Bison blocks which greeted the Mettam save would have deafened even a deaf man.

Things were about to become funereally terminal for the Bees. On 55:26 Bison hammered a final nail into the coffin and the Bees’ chances were now on a mortuary slab wearing a toe tag. Bordowski picked out Doc Cowley with a from behind the net pass out in front and the Doc hammered home to complete his hat-trick and sign the death certificate of the Bees’ hopes. Sampford with an assist. 6-2 Bison.

It was all over bar the shouting and there was plenty of that inspired as always by a very naughty leg pulling announcer (yes you were very naughty Bavi). The final buzzer blared forth soon after ended a night of pulsating purpleness for Bison and one of Prozac popping wretchedness for the Bees. Make no mistake, dear reader, this had been a veritable flagellation.

Top bananas were elected. Dean Skinns took the Bees’s award. This was a little surprising as, although we still love Deano, this had not been his finest hour. Bavi should have taken the Bison award, but alas only a player can and it was hat-trick hero Doc Cowley who did. But it could have been anyone really – maybe Dangling Dick Bordowski with 4 assists, Smith with his first senior goal or Alex “Mittens” with another great custodian performance – let’s not forget he is another player Coach Sheppard didn’t want for the Beeson.

Footnote : Chuck Berry was an all time musical great, but he was a very naughty man. He served 3 jail terms for armed robbery (1944), transporting a minor (a 14 year old prostitute) across a state border (1962) and tax evasion (1979). He was also notoriously mean. He wouldn’t employ a backing band when on tour. Instead the local band would be drafted in without rehearsal at each town he played. His only instruction was “Watch my foot. When it comes down if you’re playin’ – stop. If you ain’t – start.”