Did the Earth Move for you Conor Morris? No, But the Net Did

Bison 7 Invicta Dynamos 2

5/1/19

Do you believe in the paranormal? In particular telekinesis - the movement of a body by thought or willpower without the application of a physical force. Clearly Referee Evans does, as the Invicta net moved off its moorings so often without a single delay of game penalty call, particularly in the 3^rd period where two otherwise perfectly good goals were washed off. Mr. Evans must have believed that supernatural forces were at work. Perhaps Planet Ice is haunted by the spirits of goaltenders past. Or perhaps an unseen Uri Geller, spoon bender extraordinaire, was present. Eventually, Conor Morris, the kilted custodian for the Mos, was seen using the butt end of his stick to hammer the net down into its moorings as if to say “not my fault”. He needn’t have bothered. Anyway, to the game.

The Mos’ last 2 visits to Planet Ice ended with respectable defeats, both by 5-3. Were they going to be able to improve on this? By the end of the 1^st it was 1-1 and there may have been thoughts among the deluded of a Kentish win. It was Bison who snatched the lead. On 7:23 Michal Klejna picked up the puck and moved forward towards goal. He ripped a snipe. At stations on the London Underground where the platforms curve an announcement comes over on the tannoy when the trains arrive. “Mind the gap” is the instruction. This is to prevent people from plunging to a hideous doom between the edge of the platform and the train. Had Conor Morris in the Mos’ net received such an instruction, he may indeed have minded the gap between himself and the goal frame. However, he didn’t and didn’t. The puck flew into the goal net before Morris could move the net off its moorings. Klejna had fast-tracked forward firmly and faultlessly to finish with finesse and fortitude. 1-0 Bison.

On 10:07 Bison were called for a face off violation and Oscar Evans precipitated to the penalty box and, whilst there, he would embark on a journey to redemption on behalf of his team. A minute later Brandon Miles found Arran Strawson in front of gaol. I have told you before that Strawson is no man of straw and he was about to prove it. In 1980 Pat Benatar sang “♫ Hit me with your best shot ♫”. As Strawson raised his stick Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, the Bison custodian, knew a clapper was coming and would have preferred Strawson to hit him with his worst shot, maybe a fluffed broken stick shot with the puck dribbling to a Bison player, leading to a breakaway and a goal at the other end. However, Dan’s ideal scenario deluded happenstance and instead the puck flew past him and into the net. Oh botheration. One shot one goal. 1-1.

P1 drew to a close and it had been a disappointing one for the homesters, as, with a shot count, of 16-3, they should have been enjoying a considerable lead. However, they weren’t and things got much worse for them on 23:18 when Matt Foord and Louis Colvin combined to set up Harrison Lillis. He, the last named individual, whipped in a shot and it was unbelievably 2-1 Mos. There was no need for Morris to kick his net off as the goal had gone in at the other end.

Bison now found themselves in a chunderous situation. They had to be taking their chances or the deluded raving lunatics who had thought that a Mos’ win was on the cards would be shown to be perceptive sages, most wise and sagacious. Alas for them a 3 goal burst in 5 minutes exposed them as delusional fantasists wallowing in a sea of misplaced optimism. The first of these goals arrived on 25:38. A shot came in, but the pad of Morris proved equal to it. Alas for the kilted custodian, the puck spilled into the blue paint in front of him and a bundle developed. Players of both sides were pushing, shoving, nudging, jostling, bumping and jolting each other whilst slashing, stabbing, jabbing, prodding, poking, whacking and thwacking at the puck as it sat elusively in the blue paint. Finally Doc Cowley managed to force it over the line before Morris could move the net off its moorings and it was 2-2. Assistants were declared as George “Gordon” Norcliffe and Alex Sampford, but not immediately.

Goal number 3 for Bison occurred on 28:55. Cowley set up Jay King with a pass out in front from behind the goal line. The Caledonian D-man skated in unopposed. The Mos’ defending was as big a calamity as Calamity Jane herself – that’s her below. King slapped it past Morris before he could move the net off its moorings and it was 3-2 Bison. Gordon Norcliffe received the second assist.

This was more like it. Bison were at last making their dominance pay and on 30:44 advanced the score board to Home 4. You can catch a train, a cold, a fish, a criminal, a virus, a glimpse and up. In this case the puck ballooned high into the air as the Mos’ D attempted to clear it out of the zone. However, Chris Cooke was there reaching high to catch it, albeit not as high as S Club 7, who reached for the stars, and, throwing it down at his feet, he raised his stick and slapped the biscuit goalwards. In front of the net was Doc Cowley and he dangled his twig to lift the puck over Morris before the kilted custodian could move the net of its moorings. Sting told Roxanne she didn’t have to put on the red light. Honest Pete behind the goal was clearly not Roxanne as on came the red light to confirm the goal. 4-2 Bison. Morris was upset, fired the puck at the ref and got a 5 minute penalty and Anthony Leone let his views be known to the officials in a manner most inappropriate (Ooo Mrs) and was hurled from the game for an obscene gesture.

P2 ended with a most imbalanced shot count of 37-5, but a scoreline of only 4-2. Back in 1965 Stevie Wonder told his baby “everything is all right, uptight, out of sight” Bison needed to pile on the pressure in P3 and get out of sight themselves. And this they did, as I shall relate in the remainder of this humble account.

P3 opened and we had to wait only 2:19 for another goal. This time it was Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph to Doc Cowley, who provided the decisive pass. Pilot Officer Paul Petts skated in on goal, although without white silk scarf trailing behind him. He picked his spot and whipped a wrist shot past Morris before the kilted custodian had time to push the net off its moorings. 5-2 Bison.

36 seconds of play later it was 6-2. The provider in this case was Adam Jones with an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Coach Tait. The Coach’s shot hit the inside of Morris’s pad, emerged the other side and then time stood still as the puck trickled in a goalwards direction. Suddenly the goal light illuminated and a Vesuvius style volcanic eruption burst from the stands. Perhaps the referee was influenced by all this as out came his flat pointy hand, but from where I was the whole of the puck didn’t appear to have crossed the line and the immediate reaction of the Caledoninan net fellow indicated that he thought the same as he turned round and put his glove behind the puck. He would have been better off pushing the net off its moorings. The game sheet gave the goal to Jones with an assist to Tait, which might indicate that there are other places you can go other than these humble reports of mine in pursuit of inaccuracy.

On 46:24 Cowley and Lillis held each other in some sort of brotherly embrace, but Lillis had also slashed. Consequently when the penalties were doled out Bison went on the power play. During the course of this they managed to work a man over at the back door. That man over was Jones. He raised his stick and sent in an Ooo Mr. Rigsby clapper towards the open net. Netman Morris must have realised he was not going to be able to make himself larger and the goal frame sure wasn’t going to get any smaller. How could he stop Jones scoring? Why of course. He could push the net off its moorings. This he did as the puck flew into the net. In Agatha Christie’s “Murder in Mesopotamia” Louise Leidner is found dead, having been struck on the head with a blunt object. Could Colonel Mustard have done it in the library with a piece of lead piping? Not this time. Hercule Poirot was called in to investigate. But there was no need to call in the Belgian super sleuth to investigate the murder of Jones’s goal. Referee Evans was clearly the culprit. OK it may not have been murder, but it certainly was robbery on Morris’s part. A criminal gang composed of Dick Turpin, Jesse James and Bonnie and Clyde, masterminded by Professor Moriarty, could not have pulled off a more audacious larceny. Was Morris brought to account for his misdeed? No. Why not. Don’t ask me.

 

The washing off of the Jones goal made Bison even more determined to bag a 7^th and this they did on 57:48. Eliot Dewey to Oscar Evans (no relations to Ref Evans as far as I’m aware) and he set up Petts for his second. As the puck flew past Morris from Petts’s wrist shot, he was too late to move the net of its moorings and it was 7-2. “Must do better next time,” thought the kilted custodian and indeed he did shortly after with another goal washed off for net off. Would he finally receive a delay of game penalty? Not on your Nellie.

It mattered not a jot as the final buzzer sounded and Bison had run out comfortable winners. Top Banana for the men of Kent was Matt Foord, which was a little surprising as their Caledonian custodian Morris was surely deserving of the award for keeping the score down by means both fair and foul. It could have been a trousers down spanking otherwise. Doc Cowley skated away with the Bison beers.